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Discussion Starter #1
What kind of standards do you have for partners, and what kind of relationship/partnership would you say is your "ideal" one? :happy:

In particular, would you say you're perfectionist, especially re: how kind/moral a partner is?

I'm 20 going on 21 and I've never had a proper boyfriend, though I've had my fair share of offers and (hope this doesn't sound arrogant) am reasonably physically attractive, very social and so on. Maybe I'm being too perfectionist here. I feel like young relationships - at least before 25/you want to get married - do have benefits, but these are outweighed by the downsides of getting emotionally caught up in something when you should really be focusing on your career and studies and travelling and whatnot. I want a long-term, meaningful, stable relationship that could potentially go somewhere, and even though I'm not religious and the opposite of asexual I could quite easily not have sex before marriage. Even if I were ready for one, which I keep putting off, most guys my age seem to want "let's see where this takes us" relationships which seem to me like they are mostly about sex.

Also, I tend to prefer guys around my age, and even though I love meeting new people I've not really met many guys in my age range whose "morality/kindness" match up to my standards. I'm a really nice person myself (one of those "almost too nice people" at times, again without sounding arrogant I hope) so I don't want to date someone who's not like that, as I could potentially get taken advantage of.

Is it normal to be this fussy as an ENFJ? Thoughts? :tongue:
 

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What kind of standards do you have for partners, and what kind of relationship/partnership would you say is your "ideal" one? :happy:

In particular, would you say you're perfectionist, especially re: how kind/moral a partner is?

I'm 20 going on 21 and I've never had a proper boyfriend, though I've had my fair share of offers and (hope this doesn't sound arrogant) am reasonably physically attractive, very social and so on. Maybe I'm being too perfectionist here. I feel like young relationships - at least before 25/you want to get married - do have benefits, but these are outweighed by the downsides of getting emotionally caught up in something when you should really be focusing on your career and studies and travelling and whatnot. I want a long-term, meaningful, stable relationship that could potentially go somewhere, and even though I'm not religious and the opposite of asexual I could quite easily not have sex before marriage. Even if I were ready for one, which I keep putting off, most guys my age seem to want "let's see where this takes us" relationships which seem to me like they are mostly about sex.

Also, I tend to prefer guys around my age, and even though I love meeting new people I've not really met many guys in my age range whose "morality/kindness" match up to my standards. I'm a really nice person myself (one of those "almost too nice people" at times, again without sounding arrogant I hope) so I don't want to date someone who's not like that, as I could potentially get taken advantage of.

Is it normal to be this fussy as an ENFJ? Thoughts? :tongue:
I'm not an ENFJ. But values matter. And life goals matter.

fwiw. I never had sex before marriage, neither did he and we certainly don't regret that...all the memories in our bodies are of each other. And I agree with you about avoiding shallow sex based relationships. We got married at 23/24 and spent seven years prechildren enjoying each other and the world and our careers....

/2cents
 

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Discussion Starter #3
I'm not an ENFJ. But values matter. And life goals matter.

fwiw. I never had sex before marriage, neither did he and we certainly don't regret that...all the memories in our bodies are of each other. And I agree with you about avoiding shallow sex based relationships. We got married at 23/24 and spent seven years prechildren enjoying each other and the world and our careers....

/2cents
Thanks :) Glad to hear it worked out so well for you.

Yeah, that's true. I generally hear that people who've abstained and not had shallow "fling" type relationships don't regret it - I'm just worried if being so fussy will considerably cut my chances of finding a partner, even a long-term partner, in what's a very "shallow" society. Also, I'm kind of in the "middle ground" of not wanting to sleep with someone before I get married, but not being deeply religious either (I'm Universal Unitarian but not a Christian or something), and unfortunately barely any secular guys seem willing to wait :confused:
 

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Thanks :) Glad to hear it worked out so well for you.

Yeah, that's true. I generally hear that people who've abstained and not had shallow "fling" type relationships don't regret it - I'm just worried if being so fussy will considerably cut my chances of finding a partner, even a long-term partner, in what's a very "shallow" society. Also, I'm kind of in the "middle ground" of not wanting to sleep with someone before I get married, but not being deeply religious either (I'm Universal Unitarian but not a Christian or something), and unfortunately barely any secular guys seem willing to wait :confused:
I have extremely high standards for dating, I am not willing to compromise like the overwhelming majority. And they compromise badly, it is depressing.

I have found that ENFJs in general have very high standards. But keep in mind our primary cognitive function is External Feeling, which focuses on giving relationships to establish harmony.

I read on an ENFJ blueprint that "ENFJs have a hard time with finding partners because they don't understand egoism and self-interest." I also read that ENFJs are the type that look for "win-win" scenarios in relationships.....and from what I have seen on this site most other people don't even know what that means.
 

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Hmm.....*takes notes*
 
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We just had a conversation about this so of course I couldn't avoid posting in this thread, trigger warning for intense feels. ;)

A lot of the things you say are reasonable and resonate well with me, wanting a serious and intense relationship and not settling for less than you deserve are all good goals but (and here's where type 2 and 6 start clashing) sometimes life doesn't always go according to plans and while I'm a forward-thinking planner and I have extremely high expectations for myself and the people in my life, love, intensity, connections, the right person at the right time, all matter a lot more to me. Having personal values like saving your virginity for marriage are all valid and i respect that but that doesn't make them any more serious or deep that different ones nor I think that everyone under the age of 25 doesn't think about marriage (I even did when I was about 16-18, with my then partner) or that being married/not having sex is what makes a relationship serious. Sometimes age doesn't mean a thing either, I've met the love of my life on PerC and he's slightly younger than I am and we have different life experience levels yet a lot of things in common in many aspects of our lives as well and our levels of maturity match perfectly. I always feel weird when people claim that they want their partner to have a certain personality type or religion or physical attributes or career because, while we can daydream about specific traits and look for similar values and that helps us figure out what we want, life's not like that. He's everything I've ever wanted and more but does that mean that everything always goes according to plan, that there aren't any issues ever or struggles (like distance) to deal with? No. Sometimes our communication styles or the meaning we give to things are so completely different and that's amazing too because you grow through conflict, you grow through dialog, you grow through understanding and as long as there's love, as long as you want to be someone with all of your heart, nothing's unfixable. So keeping lists of "ideal attributes" you need in a partner, being too specific, too strict and untrusting... it can be a really negative thing and kill the romance. I did that to a degree but I was always aware that mental lists are nothing but guidelines to balance out a stormy heart and sometimes you just have to let life teach you the way, sure you want to control it to an extent, but loosening the grip is never gonna be a decision you'll regret in the future.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
I have extremely high standards for dating, I am not willing to compromise like the overwhelming majority. And they compromise badly, it is depressing.

I have found that ENFJs in general have very high standards. But keep in mind our primary cognitive function is External Feeling, which focuses on giving relationships to establish harmony.

I read on an ENFJ blueprint that "ENFJs have a hard time with finding partners because they don't understand egoism and self-interest." I also read that ENFJs are the type that look for "win-win" scenarios in relationships.....and from what I have seen on this site most other people don't even know what that means.
Yeah. I think our society promotes relationships as better than being single too much nowadays, with the end effect being that people often stay in relationships that aren't what either party really want (e.g. one partner really wants to get married and the other just wants to "see where this takes us" and isn't sure.)

I have a lot of close friends, which keeps my Fe happy, I guess. I definitely feel like I don't want to be in a relationship that isn't "harmonious." IMO, it's better to be single than compromising too much.

That's true. The attitude in society to even friendships nowadays is often pretty selfish. I'd want a win-win relationship, but of course finding someone else who wants that is not necessarily easy.

Nihom said:
Hmm.....*takes notes*
As an INFJ, do you have similar relationship standards to us, or do you mean that you're interested in ENFJs? :tongue:

Karma said:
We just had a conversation about this so of course I couldn't avoid posting in this thread, trigger warning for intense feels. ;)

A lot of the things you say are reasonable and resonate well with me, wanting a serious and intense relationship and not settling for less than you deserve are all good goals but (and here's where type 2 and 6 start clashing) sometimes life doesn't always go according to plans and while I'm a forward-thinking planner and I have extremely high expectations for myself and the people in my life, love, intensity, connections, the right person at the right time, all matter a lot more to me. Having personal values like saving your virginity for marriage are all valid and i respect that but that doesn't make them any more serious or deep that different ones nor I think that everyone under the age of 25 doesn't think about marriage (I even did when I was about 16-18, with my then partner) or that being married/not having sex is what makes a relationship serious. Sometimes age doesn't mean a thing either, I've met the love of my life on PerC and he's slightly younger than I am and we have different life experience levels yet a lot of things in common in many aspects of our lives as well and our levels of maturity match perfectly. I always feel weird when people claim that they want their partner to have a certain personality type or religion or physical attributes or career because, while we can daydream about specific traits and look for similar values and that helps us figure out what we want, life's not like that. He's everything I've ever wanted and more but does that mean that everything always goes according to plan, that there aren't any issues ever or struggles (like distance) to deal with? No. Sometimes our communication styles or the meaning we give to things are so completely different and that's amazing too because you grow through conflict, you grow through dialog, you grow through understanding and as long as there's love, as long as you want to be someone with all of your heart, nothing's unfixable. So keeping lists of "ideal attributes" you need in a partner, being too specific, too strict and untrusting... it can be a really negative thing and kill the romance. I did that to a degree but I was always aware that mental lists are nothing but guidelines to balance out a stormy heart and sometimes you just have to let life teach you the way, sure you want to control it to an extent, but loosening the grip is never gonna be a decision you'll regret in the future.
Interesting post. I have to disagree that "loosening the grip," as you put it, is never a decision anyone regrets, though - I'm glad to hear that it worked out for you, but I've seen examples around me of how it sometimes doesn't as well as how it does (and relationships are kind of an opportunity choice - if you're with someone wrong, you're not only both investing valuable time/energy into it but also missing out on the possible chance to meet and be with someone you do work with). I guess one has to figure out if it's worth it or not (probably not worth it over a serious dealbreaker like that someone's very selfish, but probably worth it if your tastes in music completely disagree). And, yeah, obviously stuff like wanting someone with a specific career is a bit too fussy IMO, but similar values definitely aren't something I'd compromise on :)
 

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I didn't have a proper relationship until I was 24, just a bunch of silly affairs to satisfy my need for new highs and thrills ...this was when I was a crazy teenager, and thankfully it didn't last long :)

I think fussy is such an ugly word, and that there is indeed waaay too much pressure put on people to be in a relationship...hence many relationships seem so forced,like a desperate search for filling the emptiness and loneliness inside.

What I believe is that relationships only make real sense when you find someone you connect with on all levels, and that everybody deserves a beautiful spiritual connection with the right person :)

I never felt such a spiritual "click" before my current relationship, which I don't think makes me "fussy" or "picky" or any nonsense like that, but a sane person in an insane world - why would I want to be with somebody that doesn't feel right? Settling for less would mean being inauthnetic and disrespectful both to myself and the other person, and I deserve much better than that :)
 

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Yeah. I think our society promotes relationships as better than being single too much nowadays, with the end effect being that people often stay in relationships that aren't what either party really want (e.g. one partner really wants to get married and the other just wants to "see where this takes us" and isn't sure.)

I have a lot of close friends, which keeps my Fe happy, I guess. I definitely feel like I don't want to be in a relationship that isn't "harmonious." IMO, it's better to be single than compromising too much.

That's true. The attitude in society to even friendships nowadays is often pretty selfish. I'd want a win-win relationship, but of course finding someone else who wants that is not necessarily easy.



As an INFJ, do you have similar relationship standards to us, or do you mean that you're interested in ENFJs? :tongue:
I do have high standards, but I'm not selective by type since type is more of an intellectual exercise for me than anything else. I kind of have this dreamy, idealized vision that everything will somehow all work out. I expect to meet the right person eventually (Some mystical Ni "know" moment) and, with proper effort and work, that things will work out. I've made it 32 years so far, but I'm a patient person.

It's .....probably naive of all things for my to think this way, but it's where I'm at.
 

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Interesting post. I have to disagree that "loosening the grip," as you put it, is never a decision anyone regrets, though - I'm glad to hear that it worked out for you, but I've seen examples around me of how it sometimes doesn't as well as how it does (and relationships are kind of an opportunity choice - if you're with someone wrong, you're not only both investing valuable time/energy into it but also missing out on the possible chance to meet and be with someone you do work with). I guess one has to figure out if it's worth it or not (probably not worth it over a serious dealbreaker like that someone's very selfish, but probably worth it if your tastes in music completely disagree). And, yeah, obviously stuff like wanting someone with a specific career is a bit too fussy IMO, but similar values definitely aren't something I'd compromise on :)
Careful, by "loosening your grip", I didn't mean toss your standards out of the window, I have high standards and he fits them all. :) Maybe it's just an ENFJ thing but to me it's kind of obvious that we all need to have specific ideas of what we're looking for and what we don't tolerate and I even make mental lists of potential red flags or things I wouldn't be able to stand but that doesn't mean that we have to go overboard with our expectations. Of course having matching values is extremely important and I could never be with someone I find morally repulsive or even questionable but I've learned that minor details and stereotypes (like age or "purity" as you've mentioned them) are something that ends up not mattering at all since people are often way more complex than the ideas we build in our minds and exploring them while building strong and lasting connections is quite wonderful. Being fussy is good but love trumps a lot.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
I didn't have a proper relationship until I was 24, just a bunch of silly affairs to satisfy my need for new highs and thrills ...this was when I was a crazy teenager, and thankfully it didn't last long :)

I think fussy is such an ugly word, and that there is indeed waaay too much pressure put on people to be in a relationship...hence many relationships seem so forced,like a desperate search for filling the emptiness and loneliness inside.

What I believe is that relationships only make real sense when you find someone you connect with on all levels, and that everybody deserves a beautiful spiritual connection with the right person :)

I never felt such a spiritual "click" before my current relationship, which I don't think makes me "fussy" or "picky" or any nonsense like that, but a sane person in an insane world - why would I want to be with somebody that doesn't feel right? Settling for less would mean being inauthnetic and disrespectful both to myself and the other person, and I deserve much better than that :)
Great advice, thanks - wish I could thank this post twice :) Yeah, there's someone out there for everyone, and, being really sociable, I'm not too worried about not meeting a guy who doesn't meet my standards. I was just wondering what everyone else thought of them. Couldn't think of a better word than "fussy," but you're right, it is ugly.

You're right, it is unfair to your partner as well as you if you aren't a good fit for each other. Even if it's mainly you who doesn't feel a "connection," then you're stringing them on at best.

How do you know that you're connected "on all levels"? I have really clicked with some guys before, but not enough to make me want to date them. Or do you mean the kind of Ni "you just know" thing as Nihom described? :)

Nihom said:
I do have high standards, but I'm not selective by type since type is more of an intellectual exercise for me than anything else. I kind of have this dreamy, idealized vision that everything will somehow all work out. I expect to meet the right person eventually (Some mystical Ni "know" moment) and, with proper effort and work, that things will work out. I've made it 32 years so far, but I'm a patient person.

It's .....probably naive of all things for my to think this way, but it's where I'm at.
Yeah, same here. I honestly don't want to be that MBTI-fussy :laughing:

I don't think you're naive for dreaming. You seem like a really decent person TBH :) I would just say make sure you're meeting loads of new people (although I appreciate that might be harder as an introvert) to improve your chances of finding someone who meets your requirements (and for whom you meet hers too).

Xyra said:
I totally date based on type, it is so much easier. I find it very disconcerting of investing so much of myself into a relationship when those certain values and qualities might not even be there from the beginning. I look for INFPs, ENFJs, and INFJs (I prefer this type for now).
Interesting, why INFJs? :)

I wouldn't say I date on type, but there are some personality traits more common in people of that type which might meant that I'd never consider anyone of that type (without intending to "blacklist" the particular type). For example, I probably won't ever date an INTJ, as though I'm very "rational" most of the INTJ guys I've met have been very "cold" and that's not a personality trait I want in a partner.
 

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INFJ's and ENFJ's are sister types, and it easy being around them for me and I do learn a lot too. I really like INFPs for the emotional part of relationships, but there are practical concerns of my for a long-term relationship. I have never dated an ENFJ girl before.

I wouldn't date an INTJ girl either. I did once (before I knew about MBTI) and she was cold and distant and very dark.

This is a radical notion, but I think that there is a chance that Instinctual Subtypes might play into dating as maybe more of an important part. I am friends with an ENFJ girl whose dominant is Self-Preservation and inferior is Intimate (One-to-One), and mine are in the opposite stack and that matters a lot. We even have all the same hobbies and interests, but there is something disenchanting dealing with that.
 

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@Fleurelle - yes, I guess it could be described as "just knowing"...that feeling when you feel like you've known someone forever, like they fit just perfectly and everything makes perfect sense and feels like destiny :) It's nothing that can be described in objective terms, and it remains strong despite any possible undesirable characteristics in one's partner or roadbumps in the relationship :) Or at least that is how I experience it :)
 

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Discussion Starter #15
INFJ's and ENFJ's are sister types, and it easy being around them for me and I do learn a lot too. I really like INFPs for the emotional part of relationships, but there are practical concerns of my for a long-term relationship. I have never dated an ENFJ girl before.

I wouldn't date an INTJ girl either. I did once (before I knew about MBTI) and she was cold and distant and very dark.

This is a radical notion, but I think that there is a chance that Instinctual Subtypes might play into dating as maybe more of an important part. I am friends with an ENFJ girl whose dominant is Self-Preservation and inferior is Intimate (One-to-One), and mine are in the opposite stack and that matters a lot. We even have all the same hobbies and interests, but there is something disenchanting dealing with that.
Ah, good point :)

Yeah, I actually get on quite well with INTJ women, but (perhaps to women being socialised to be "friendlier" than men) I find it hard to even be friends with INTJ guys most of the time. They just seem rather cold and self-centred, at least the ones I've met.

I don't know much about instinctual subtypes, explain please? :)
@shakti: Oh, that sounds amazing! Hope I get to feel like that one day. Thanks for your advice again :)
 

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Find the order of preference:

Sexual Instinctual Subtype
The Drive for Closeness, Intimacy and One to One Bonds
The Instinctual Subtypes Test suggests that your strongest drive is for deep and intimate bonds, indicating that you may be a Sexual or One-to-One Subtype. This instinctual drive is probably unconscious, but it nevertheless directs your decision-making and preoccupations. You can experience this drive mildly or intensely, and you can embrace it or act totally against it. Either way, this strategy or Instinct is all-pervasive, powerfully influencing your values and the manner in which you interact with others.
As a Sexual Instinctual Subtype, you primarily focus your attention on your passions, intimate relationships and degree of closeness with significant others, whether a lover, parent, child, sibling, friend or co-worker. Your desire is to be matched and to have affinity, wholeness and a deep bond with a special someone—wherever you go, whatever you do. Your greatest fear is of invalidation, and you become anxious when you feel undesirable, unworthy and disconnected. You may find that you are preoccupied with a continual search for your other half, for someone or something who matches you and gives meaning to your existence. Whether abstaining or promiscuous, you usually focus on the search for twinship and your ‘other half’ to feel whole and complete. Your playful and imaginative sense of humor may conceal your underlying fear of being incomplete.
Being strong and/or beautiful to attract specific others is always on your mind. It is very important to create intimacy and the security of one-to-one relationships to have the power to influence. In general, you tend to think about finding meaning in life and especially in relationships, frequently asking yourself, “What am I?” and “What do I mean to you?”. You are willing to make sacrifices for intimate relationships to ensure connection. Your energy is high, intense, penetrating and lyrical, with a sense of vibration.
If your dominant Instinctual Subtype drive is Sexual, you may find that in your communications with others, you tend to seek excitement and intensity, and often discuss the people, places and things you feel passionate about and the meaning attached to them.

Social Instinctual Subtype
The Drive for Others, Community and Prestige
The Instinctual Subtypes Test suggests that your 2nd strongest drive is for others, groups and community, indicating that you may be a Social Subtype. This instinctual drive is probably unconscious, but it nevertheless directs your decision-making and preoccupations. You can experience this drive mildly or intensely, and you can embrace it or act totally against it. Either way, this strategy or Instinct is all-pervasive, powerfully influencing your values and the manner in which you interact with others.
As a Social Instinctual Subtype, you primarily focus your attention on your role, place or position within any group. Your desire is to belong and to be socially accepted by others. Your greatest fear is of alienation, and you feel anxious when you are unwelcome or excluded by others. You may find that you are preoccupied with thoughts about what other people think and feel and about group interactions. Whether friendly and outgoing or anti-social and withdrawn, you usually focus on how you relate to others and how others relate to one another. Your engaging sense of humor may conceal your social anxiety.
Finding your place and knowing your role or position is always on your mind. It is very important for you to be liked and to feel valued by others. In general, you tend to think about fitting in, frequently asking yourself, “Who am I?”, “Who am I with?” and “How am I perceived by others?”. Service-oriented, you are willing to make sacrifices for the group, to accommodate the needs of others to ensure status. You want to be valued for your contributions, participation and cooperation. Your energy is personable and cooperative, but can appear superficial, as it is usually split between the needs of the individual and the needs of the group.
If your dominant Instinctual Subtype drive is Social, you may find that in your communications with others, you want to hear a quick interview/overview to catch up and then tend to discuss current events and people who are not present.

Self-Preservation Instinctual Subtype
The Drive for Resources, Safety and Security
The Instinctual Subtypes Test suggests that your 3rd strongest drive is for personal survival and a sense of well-being, indicating that you may be a Self-Preserving Subtype. This primal, instinctual drive is probably unconscious, but it nevertheless directs your decision-making and preoccupations. You can experience this drive mildly or intensely, and you can embrace it or act totally against it. Either way, this strategy or Instinct is all-pervasive, powerfully influencing your values and the manner in which you interact with others.
As a Self-Preserving Instinctual Subtype, you primarily focus your attention on your body and your surroundings. Your desire is to meet your basic needs for food, shelter, protection and resources. Your greatest fear is of annihilation, and you feel anxious when your bodily needs are not met. You may find that you are preoccupied with what can go wrong or what might endanger you. Whether overly cautious or self-destructive, you usually focus on what will make you feel safe, secure and comfortable. Your ironic sense of humor may conceal your more reserved and serious nature.
Being able to cope with life and stressful circumstances is always on your mind. It is very important to aggressively go after what you want, and protect and defend what you have. In general, you tend to think about the needs and concerns of your body, frequently asking yourself, “How am I” and “Am I secure?” You are willing to make sacrifices for your physical comfort and your future well-being. Your energy is conserved for your personal use, to have what you need when you need it.
If your dominant Instinctual Subtype drive is Self-Preserving, you may find that in your communications with others, you tend to be practical and often discuss issues of safety and security, physical health, money or food.
 

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Find the order of preference:

Sexual Instinctual Subtype
The Drive for Closeness, Intimacy and One to One Bonds
The Instinctual Subtypes Test suggests that your strongest drive is for deep and intimate bonds, indicating that you may be a Sexual or One-to-One Subtype. This instinctual drive is probably unconscious, but it nevertheless directs your decision-making and preoccupations. You can experience this drive mildly or intensely, and you can embrace it or act totally against it. Either way, this strategy or Instinct is all-pervasive, powerfully influencing your values and the manner in which you interact with others.
As a Sexual Instinctual Subtype, you primarily focus your attention on your passions, intimate relationships and degree of closeness with significant others, whether a lover, parent, child, sibling, friend or co-worker. Your desire is to be matched and to have affinity, wholeness and a deep bond with a special someone—wherever you go, whatever you do. Your greatest fear is of invalidation, and you become anxious when you feel undesirable, unworthy and disconnected. You may find that you are preoccupied with a continual search for your other half, for someone or something who matches you and gives meaning to your existence. Whether abstaining or promiscuous, you usually focus on the search for twinship and your ‘other half’ to feel whole and complete. Your playful and imaginative sense of humor may conceal your underlying fear of being incomplete.
Being strong and/or beautiful to attract specific others is always on your mind. It is very important to create intimacy and the security of one-to-one relationships to have the power to influence. In general, you tend to think about finding meaning in life and especially in relationships, frequently asking yourself, “What am I?” and “What do I mean to you?”. You are willing to make sacrifices for intimate relationships to ensure connection. Your energy is high, intense, penetrating and lyrical, with a sense of vibration.
If your dominant Instinctual Subtype drive is Sexual, you may find that in your communications with others, you tend to seek excitement and intensity, and often discuss the people, places and things you feel passionate about and the meaning attached to them.

Social Instinctual Subtype
The Drive for Others, Community and Prestige
The Instinctual Subtypes Test suggests that your 2nd strongest drive is for others, groups and community, indicating that you may be a Social Subtype. This instinctual drive is probably unconscious, but it nevertheless directs your decision-making and preoccupations. You can experience this drive mildly or intensely, and you can embrace it or act totally against it. Either way, this strategy or Instinct is all-pervasive, powerfully influencing your values and the manner in which you interact with others.
As a Social Instinctual Subtype, you primarily focus your attention on your role, place or position within any group. Your desire is to belong and to be socially accepted by others. Your greatest fear is of alienation, and you feel anxious when you are unwelcome or excluded by others. You may find that you are preoccupied with thoughts about what other people think and feel and about group interactions. Whether friendly and outgoing or anti-social and withdrawn, you usually focus on how you relate to others and how others relate to one another. Your engaging sense of humor may conceal your social anxiety.
Finding your place and knowing your role or position is always on your mind. It is very important for you to be liked and to feel valued by others. In general, you tend to think about fitting in, frequently asking yourself, “Who am I?”, “Who am I with?” and “How am I perceived by others?”. Service-oriented, you are willing to make sacrifices for the group, to accommodate the needs of others to ensure status. You want to be valued for your contributions, participation and cooperation. Your energy is personable and cooperative, but can appear superficial, as it is usually split between the needs of the individual and the needs of the group.
If your dominant Instinctual Subtype drive is Social, you may find that in your communications with others, you want to hear a quick interview/overview to catch up and then tend to discuss current events and people who are not present.

Self-Preservation Instinctual Subtype
The Drive for Resources, Safety and Security
The Instinctual Subtypes Test suggests that your 3rd strongest drive is for personal survival and a sense of well-being, indicating that you may be a Self-Preserving Subtype. This primal, instinctual drive is probably unconscious, but it nevertheless directs your decision-making and preoccupations. You can experience this drive mildly or intensely, and you can embrace it or act totally against it. Either way, this strategy or Instinct is all-pervasive, powerfully influencing your values and the manner in which you interact with others.
As a Self-Preserving Instinctual Subtype, you primarily focus your attention on your body and your surroundings. Your desire is to meet your basic needs for food, shelter, protection and resources. Your greatest fear is of annihilation, and you feel anxious when your bodily needs are not met. You may find that you are preoccupied with what can go wrong or what might endanger you. Whether overly cautious or self-destructive, you usually focus on what will make you feel safe, secure and comfortable. Your ironic sense of humor may conceal your more reserved and serious nature.
Being able to cope with life and stressful circumstances is always on your mind. It is very important to aggressively go after what you want, and protect and defend what you have. In general, you tend to think about the needs and concerns of your body, frequently asking yourself, “How am I” and “Am I secure?” You are willing to make sacrifices for your physical comfort and your future well-being. Your energy is conserved for your personal use, to have what you need when you need it.
If your dominant Instinctual Subtype drive is Self-Preserving, you may find that in your communications with others, you tend to be practical and often discuss issues of safety and security, physical health, money or food.
 

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Ah, good point :)

Yeah, I actually get on quite well with INTJ women, but (perhaps to women being socialised to be "friendlier" than men) I find it hard to even be friends with INTJ guys most of the time. They just seem rather cold and self-centred, at least the ones I've met.

I don't know much about instinctual subtypes, explain please? :)
@shakti: Oh, that sounds amazing! Hope I get to feel like that one day. Thanks for your advice again :)
Nope. It is not just you. They are like that. Cold and selfish but that is something that in most cases helped them to become successful in whatever they are doing.
-Ob.
 
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Discussion Starter #19
Nope. It is not just you. They are like that. Cold and selfish but that is something that in most cases helped them to become successful in whatever they are doing.
-Ob.
Good point. Although a lot of the ones I've met haven't been particularly successful TBH...
 

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Good point. Although a lot of the ones I've met haven't been particularly successful TBH...
How old were they? I am talking 40+ here. My preferred dating material age group ;-)
-ob.
 
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