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They were together for 8 months and have been broken up for over 3...

So i met her about 3 weeks ago and we went on several unofficial dates but yeah she asked if i liked her i said yes she said yes.. but she is still caught up on her ex.. She says she doesn't want to start a relationship if there is a chance she would leave me for him later on...

I asked her if i was her backup plan and she said obviously no but yeah..:dry:

Have you fellow ENFP's had ex problems? How can i help her get over her ex?
 

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Nope, I leave past relationships in the past. That even goes for ex's that I've worked with or remained friends with. While lingering feelings did come up at times, I never acted on them and I never wanted to get involved with an ex. Too many other fish in the sea to get hung up on one I already threw back.
 

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Have you fellow ENFP's had ex problems?
If I had a very deep, meaningful, long relationship with someone, it can take me years to fully get over them. I have an ex that I dated 7 years ago, and if he wouldn't have ever met his wife, and if the religious difference that broke us up in the first place wasn't there, if we let ourselves... we'd probably fall right back in love even after all this time... that's how strong the chemistry was. Luckily, we are both mature, upright individuals who are now in love with other people, and were able to shift (over several years) our romantic love into a comfortable platonic love. The person that I love right now is an ex (haha) and even after 5 months of being apart, I'm zero percent over him.


How can i help her get over her ex?
DON'T! If their breakup is less than 6 months old, beware! This is prime rebound time and I know that I've felt the desire to have intimacy with someone (anyone!) after a breakup. I'm not saying that she doesn't have feelings for you, but at this time her feelings are probably in a state of flux. There is nothing you can do to help her get over her ex that wouldn't spell disaster in the future. Give her time and space right now. Don't chase her. When she's ready, if she truly does like you, she'll start chasing you.
 

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If I commit to someone, I usually have a hard time letting go once it ends. My advice to you, my friend... ruuuuuuun a thousand miles in the other direction, lol. She says you're not the back-up plan, but uhhhhhh... there is no evidence to prove otherwise. I've been a back-up plan before, and it's not fun. If she's still hung up on somebody else, bump that. You do not need that extra stress. Seriously, don't torture yourself. There are tons of other fun, cute, available ENFPs around ;) Don't get stuck on the one that's not emotionally available. Vulnerable does not equal available... just saying :p In short, just leave it alone and don't look back... even if she comes crawling back within a couple of days, weeks, or even months. I would give her at least a year... just my opinion.
 

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I never really fully get over someone either. If I loved them once, there will always be a part of me that loves them.

The only thing you can do right now is support her. She's probably very confused and still has many lingering feelings. Even now, after two years, I haven't fully gotten over my first relationship. Shifting from romance to a quiet friendly love is one of the most difficult tasks for me. Just support her and give her some space, and eventually she will realize you've been there the whole time and perhaps reciprocate your feelings. Good luck! You can do it!
 

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I'm usually pretty good at getting over people, but then there's the one who I struggle to let go of. Like @pinkoctopus, I can't just eradicate that "I was actually in love you" feeling. To make matters worse, that ex is in town for the next fortnight. Its a strange one because I feel attracted to other people and it's been a while since we broke up (about 19 odd months). Regardless I accept whilst I'm single, if she's around, she'll have this effect on me.

If she broke up recently, well rebounding is a danger, but really just help her realise that yesterday is gone and you're here right now. If the situation with her ex is not feasible, then she'll move on when she realises it.
 

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It's not as easy as it sounds to just let go, especially if we invest our hearts into said X. There needs to be a healing period, sometimes this healing takes longer for 1 than it would for another, although regardless i can't imagine an ENFP who has invested love to heal really quickly, our core Fi isn't wired that way, or that's how it feels anyway. We love deeply , those effects just don't disappear over night. I don't think there is anything you can do to speed up that process, it has to happen naturally.
 

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I wouldn't get back with my ex if he were the last man on Earth. But there's always a healing time after a relationship and it sounds like this girl hasn't finished yet.
 

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Sounds like she's using him as an excuse. She says yes she likes you, yet, she'd drop you in a heart beat.. She's giving clear signals that she's not taking this relationship seriously, and doesn't seem to have the guts to be honest about how she truly feels.

If I were to say that to someone (and tell the guy I'm dating my ex is my excuse to not be in a relationship with the guy), I'm relieving myself from the guilt of subtly rejecting someone by gently letting them know I don't see long-term potential.

Once I decide to date and move on from an ex, I move on. Dating is all about having fun with learning about someone new, and really delving into their intrapersonal worlds. If she's not doing that, something's off. I enjoy the excitement of the newness of experiences of learning something about someone, sorta like.. falling in love! (You're WORTH more than excuses!!).
 

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It's hard to forget a person when I really commit in the relationship, but it's always a better choice to leave the past, in past itself.
 
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As my other ENFP friend says,

Strict "return to sender" if the product is damaged. In this case, it's easier to cut your losses and move on.

I find this happens a lot to younger women and also if there isn't enough "attraction" and "fun" built up. You're reminding her of a past relationship, unintentionally but still doing it.

What you have to do is break her out of her frame of mind and lead her. Show her you know how to have a good time, you're fun to talk to, engaging, etc. You may be an INTJ, but you also know how to have fun. Don't sell yourself short.
 

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Strict "return to sender" if the product is damaged. In this case, it's easier to cut your losses and move on.
Only partly true in my opinon. Continue to pursue, but keep in mind it will most likely be short term. Keep an eye out for other options as you don't want to pass up on a more promising opportunity.

Just because it seems that the relationship will most likely not work out doesn't mean you have to dump her right then and there. Stick around and see how things progress. Might change for the better and you can reaasses.
 
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Only partly true in my opinon. Continue to pursue, but keep in mind it will most likely be short term. Keep an eye out for other options as you don't want to pass up on a more promising opportunity.

Just because it seems that the relationship will most likely not work out doesn't mean you have to dump her right then and there. Stick around and see how things progress. Might change for the better and you can reaasses.
Good points, just be careful of the friend zone!
 
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