Personality Cafe banner
Cancel

ENFP confused about ISFP and INTJ.

6474 Views 30 Replies 12 Participants Last post by  Hurricane Ditka, 
M
I'm an ENFP who's dating an ISFP. His best friend is an INTJ. The ISFP I'm with has always been not very happy with who he was, and he's always tried to shape himself into what is essentially an INTJ. I first met him a year ago, and within a few days of knowing him, I had feelings for him. Of course, at this time, he seemed to be an INTJ. As I got to know him, his emotions got more apparent, and I started to see him as what was an INFJ (I was not really into personality types at this time, and so I never actually knew for sure what I thought his type was.) Now we've been together for two months, and it's very apparent that he's an ISFP. But there's also a lot missing from our relationship. He thinks my abstract thoughts are weird and uninteresting and he says the fact that I'm always in the future is my greatest flaw. As an ENFP and a natural shapeshifter, I take on the form of an ENFJ around him (so that I'm his perfect match) and then I'm everything he needs and it makes me happy to know I'm fulfilling his needs. But sometimes I think I need more that him being happy to make me happy. Sometimes I genuinely need to feel happy.

His best friend is an INTJ. He has a hard time talking about his own feelings, but he's always there to help me with mine. He's a pessimist and I'm an optimist. He brings me back down to earth when my imagination takes me too far. He understands the way I think and thinks it's brilliant. He brings logic to every situation to make me feel better and I help him understand his emotions. He once told me I was a good person, one of the best he's ever met. One night I was with the ISFP and I told him I loved the full moon. He nodded and said okay. The next day I told the INTJ I loved the full moon. Buy the INTJ asked me why. I told him it was because it was the full moon was honest and truthful, all of it was there for the world to see. He smiled at me and looked at me with amazement. He told me that was beautiful.*

Now I'm confused. I still like the ISFP, but I can't help but feel like the INTJ is much better for me. I'd hate to seem like a typical ENFP, waiting for somebody for months and finally once I get them, I want their best friend. Can anybody shed some light on the situation and help me figure out what to do?
See less See more
Reply
Save
Like
  • Like
Reactions: 2
1 - 20 of 31 Posts
A
I'm an ENFP girl, I just broke up with an ISFP male. He also couldn't keep up with my thought patterns/processes, had no interest in thinking about the future and wanted to just focus on each day at a time. He didn't want to discuss anything remotely academic/intellectual. I felt I had to dumb myself down constantly when talking to him to make him feel comfortable, but that made me feel uncomfortable the longer I did it. At first I thought he was an INFJ so I didn't hold back my ENFP-ness in front of him, I was expecting to understand me well and when this didn't happen I realised he's an ISFP. I broke up with him because, due to his desire to live in the present moment and I think also laziness, he chooses to be unemployed so never had enough money to see me. We were only together for about 6 weeks officially, but I met him back in October.

I think ENFPs can be the perfect partner for others and when I was younger I was more willing to sacrifice parts of myself to make things work with people if they met minimum criteria (similar morals, found them attractive, loyal, some similar interests etc). I have settled for far less than I deserve because of this tendency, so I recently decided I want to aim higher and rather than adapting to others, I just want to find someone who stimulates all parts of my brain and personality and who understands me and never tells me I am 'overanalysing' things all the time - my ISFP said this constantly, and I've noticed this is something S-types tend to say to me but N-types never do. Next person I date I want them to be an INFX because I think that would work well.

If you feel the ISFP is lacking in depth and not enough for you, then it's probably a sign you're not a good match. That's doesn't necessarily mean you should date his best friend though, I question the morals of the INTJ if he is moving in on his best friend's gf. I wouldn't bother with someone like that personally (as our morals clearly wouldn't be compatible and it would cause trust issues).
See less See more
Reply
Save
Like
  • Like
Reactions: 4
B
As much as I understand you (my BF is an INTJ), I also think it is wrong (and kinda weird) for you to bond so much with HIS best friend and let yourself fall in love with him. Break up with your ISFP if the relationship isn't good, but find yourself another INTJ, as breaking up with him to go out with his best friend is kinda cruel, don't you think? :-/
Reply
Save
Like
  • Like
Reactions: 2
L
Give yourself sometime. You still haven't got any concrete reason for breaking up with ISFP male first of all, so even if you do, he will think that you're insincere. And pairing up with his best friend wouldn't at all be a good idea. Try to distance yourself from that INTJ guy, I know it's hard but it's better from ever aspect. Neither your ISFP male will suspect you or he'll think you're disloyal, neither you'll feel bad. And if you don't like your ISFP male, then tell that to him, but it won't be a good idea to pair up with his best friend imho.
Reply
Save
Like
M
Assassin said:
I think ENFPs can be the perfect partner for others and when I was younger I was more willing to sacrifice parts of myself to make things work with people if they met minimum criteria (similar morals, found them attractive, loyal, some similar interests etc). I have settled for far less than I deserve because of this tendency, so I recently decided I want to aim higher and rather than adapting to others, I just want to find someone who stimulates all parts of my brain and personality and who understands me and never tells me I am 'overanalysing' things all the time .
Click to expand...
I love this part of the post =) The most amazing relationship is one you can be exactly who you are. And good for you, not settling. :) There has to be that level of connection thou, going and coming. And for this reason i can't judge the OP for feeling a strong bond with this guy. I don't believe we can actually control that chemestry. We have choices, and if we choose to explore that intense chemestry we shouldn't have to apologize for it. ( assuming everyone is single ). Nothing here lead me to believe this guy was moving in on his bf. All i read was they were more compatiable. We can still get compliments from people who aren't romantically moving in on us. I'm sure this guy is equally aware that they share some kind of connection. When its on, its on. IDK, personally i would find it hard to disconnect myself away from something/someone that was making me feel like i was understood on so many levels. The ultimate goal for both these types is to feel understood, and if/ when we find that, we want to hold on forever ; ) The same can be said with friendships.
See less See more
Reply
Save
Like
  • Like
Reactions: 2
M
marmaladeskies said:
I'm an ENFP who's dating an ISFP. His best friend is an INTJ. The ISFP I'm with has always been not very happy with who he was, and he's always tried to shape himself into what is essentially an INTJ. I first met him a year ago, and within a few days of knowing him, I had feelings for him. Of course, at this time, he seemed to be an INTJ. As I got to know him, his emotions got more apparent, and I started to see him as what was an INFJ (I was not really into personality types at this time, and so I never actually knew for sure what I thought his type was.) Now we've been together for two months, and it's very apparent that he's an ISFP. But there's also a lot missing from our relationship. He thinks my abstract thoughts are weird and uninteresting and he says the fact that I'm always in the future is my greatest flaw. As an ENFP and a natural shapeshifter, I take on the form of an ENFJ around him (so that I'm his perfect match) and then I'm everything he needs and it makes me happy to know I'm fulfilling his needs. But sometimes I think I need more that him being happy to make me happy. Sometimes I genuinely need to feel happy.

His best friend is an INTJ. He has a hard time talking about his own feelings, but he's always there to help me with mine. He's a pessimist and I'm an optimist. He brings me back down to earth when my imagination takes me too far. He understands the way I think and thinks it's brilliant. He brings logic to every situation to make me feel better and I help him understand his emotions. He once told me I was a good person, one of the best he's ever met. One night I was with the ISFP and I told him I loved the full moon. He nodded and said okay. The next day I told the INTJ I loved the full moon. Buy the INTJ asked me why. I told him it was because it was the full moon was honest and truthful, all of it was there for the world to see. He smiled at me and looked at me with amazement. He told me that was beautiful.*

Now I'm confused. I still like the ISFP, but I can't help but feel like the INTJ is much better for me. I'd hate to seem like a typical ENFP, waiting for somebody for months and finally once I get them, I want their best friend. Can anybody shed some light on the situation and help me figure out what to do?
Click to expand...
I don't think its common for people to find a better connection with the bf, and maybe it isn't. Do well control with whom our heart and mind connects with. I'm not convinced of that. It makes more sense to me logically if we finds ourselves havi g communication issues, regardless of type, its time to move on. It's unfortunate that this guy happens to be in your inner circle, although i don't think you should disconnect from him for that reason only. Maybe you could distance yourself some until your Ex has time to heal. I would put a time limit on that though, life goes on :) Good luck, don't settle, get em , some ENFP claim to wait there whole lives to be understood.
Reply
Save
Like
M
Woah woah woah. How did what I say get taken so out of context? My INTJ friend has not been flirting with me, nor have I been flirting with him. I have no feelings for him, if I did my situation wouldn't be confusing for me at all. What's troubling me is that my boyfriend is really wrong for me, and that his best friend is much better for me than he is. And what I'm asking is what to do about it, how to strengthen the compatibility between my boyfriend and I?
Reply
Save
Like
B
marmaladeskies said:
What's troubling me is that my boyfriend is really wrong for me, and that his best friend is much better for me than he is.
Click to expand...
This sentence says a lot. The contrast of the platonic INTJ relationship has shown you the weakness of your current romantic relationship.

You aren't going to change someone's temperament. This ISFP will never enjoy having those deep, dreamy kinds of conversations about abstract possibilities like an N-dominant will. You can't change that. You won't be able to make him as logical as an INTJ either. Respect him for what he is, and you for what you are, and consider that maybe this relationship isn't what you want (and should therefore end it).
Reply
Save
Like
  • Like
Reactions: 2
M
marmaladeskies said:
Woah woah woah. How did what I say get taken so out of context? My INTJ friend has not been flirting with me, nor have I been flirting with him. I have no feelings for him, if I did my situation wouldn't be confusing for me at all. What's troubling me is that my boyfriend is really wrong for me, and that his best friend is much better for me than he is. And what I'm asking is what to do about it, how to strengthen the compatibility between my boyfriend and I?
Click to expand...
Do you think its possible to create compatibility betwen two people, or is it something that comes natural.. I choose to beleive we don't create it, it is there or it isn't. If your boyfriend isn't giving you want you need with ease, or what comes natural, then trying to create it may appear fake. It would be like saying " I may or maynot feel this way about you, but for the sake of us getting along, i may have to change who i am/ and/or my thought process in order to do that ". I think 2 people can compromise, although they shouldn't have to alter or modify in order to connect.

I didn't make a correlation between you and this other guy flirting, not at all. And its o.k that you feel connected with him. I did make the connection between you feeling strongly this bf is not a good match for you. I also can see that the other guy feels for you, a better match, a better connection. It is what it is :)
Reply
Save
Like
T
liza_200 said:
You still haven't got any concrete reason for breaking up with ISFP male first of all
Click to expand...
I'm sorry, but I have to disagree with this part...
She's not married to the guy so I think after this amount of time if she sees the incompatibility then she should break it off. You will agree that she shouldn't settle... (Which is a NF anthem)

I think she would have a better relationship with a ISTJ, INTJ,INFJ or INFP. The ISTJs are great as a shadow to a ENFP in a lot of relationships and still has that intellectual compatibility that she may be looking for. So I don't knock the guy just because he's a S-type.... But the rest of your statement I agree with. :proud:
Reply
Save
Like
  • Like
Reactions: 2
B
marmaladeskies said:
And what I'm asking is what to do about it, how to strengthen the compatibility between my boyfriend and I?
Click to expand...
That may be hard when you are on such different planets when it comes to personality types. Him being so literal and practical and not interested in inutitive stuff at all. When you have these doubts so early in the relationship and there really is no chemistry there, it's better to end it sooner than later..

The day I met my boyfriend (seven years ago) we just had this instant chemistry (it felt like we had known eachother for ages), we're best friends and he just understand me better than anyone else (and he says I'm the only one who understands him). You deserve to experience the same thing with someone :) When you have a better chemistry with other guys than with your boyfriend it seems like it's a less than perfect relationship, don't you think?

I agree with @The King Of Dreams that INTJ, INFJ, ISTJ and possibly the INFP are the best personality type candidates for a relationship with an ENFP (generally, that is). You will find someone in the future that you have a better chemistry with than the ISFP you are dating now, for sure!
See less See more
Reply
Save
Like
  • Like
Reactions: 2
lactosecat
"What's troubling me is that my boyfriend is really wrong for me, and that his best friend is much better for me than he is."
........... I don't get why you are staying with him when you find another person whom you aren't romantically attracted to more "better for you"

I actually think the solution is pretty obvious here. You don't feel like you are compatible with him... so there's no "spark" really. Why force yourself into this relationship when something like a "spark" in a relationship is something that is naturally developed?
You're better off with others who can mingle with you better for a long term relationship. Don't adapt yourself just for another human being. How long are you planning to play this off? Doesn't it tire you? -_-
Reply
Save
Like
  • Like
Reactions: 2
L
The King Of Dreams said:
I'm sorry, but I have to disagree with this part...
She's not married to the guy so I think after this amount of time if she sees the incompatibility then she should break it off. You will agree that she shouldn't settle... (Which is a NF anthem)
Click to expand...
Well, I agree with you. But you see, she's already attracted to that INTJ male. And now if she suddenly breaks off out of no where giving him the reason that he's incompatible, then he has got many chances to misunderstand or suspect that she's breaking off because she is attracted to some other male or maybe his own best friend. A lot of questions will arise in his mind if she gives him this reason. It might sound fair to her but unfair to him cause all these days she didn't say any such thing to him then why all of a sudden now? Well, that's natural to think in that way. He will misunderstand her thoughts. It's a good reason to her, but not to him.So for that, she needs a proper concrete reason which will sound logical to him,so that he doesn't misunderstands her further and for that she needs time.
Reply
Save
Like
  • Like
Reactions: 1
T
I may sound cruel but here are the facts


From the point of view of an INTJ, I think it will not work for you if you choose the INTJ. Because INTJs are very loyal and appreciate the friendship very much. It looks to me like betrayal.
Reply
Save
Like
  • Like
Reactions: 1
T
I may sound cruel but here are the facts


From the point of view of an INTJ, I think it will not work for you if you choose the INTJ. Because INTJs are very loyal and appreciate the friendship very much. It looks to me like betrayal.
Reply
Save
Like
K
marmaladeskies said:
Now we've been together for two months, and it's very apparent that he's an ISFP. But there's also a lot missing from our relationship. He thinks my abstract thoughts are weird and uninteresting and he says the fact that I'm always in the future is my greatest flaw. As an ENFP and a natural shapeshifter, I take on the form of an ENFJ around him (so that I'm his perfect match) and then I'm everything he needs and it makes me happy to know I'm fulfilling his needs. But sometimes I think I need more that him being happy to make me happy. Sometimes I genuinely need to feel happy.
Click to expand...
Wow, I relate to this part SO MUCH! I also grew close to a guy (who I have always assumed was an INFJ) However, after reading this, and thinking of my own experiences with him....I think he is actually an ISFP. I even started acting like an ENFJ around him in attempt at making myself more 'perfect' for him. Unfortunately, after a while, this made me very frustrated and even angry. I think I may have even took this out on him- which wasn't fair at all.

Assassin said:
I'm an ENFP girl, I just broke up with an ISFP male. He also couldn't keep up with my thought patterns/processes, had no interest in thinking about the future and wanted to just focus on each day at a time. He didn't want to discuss anything remotely academic/intellectual. I felt I had to dumb myself down constantly when talking to him to make him feel comfortable, but that made me feel uncomfortable the longer I did it. At first I thought he was an INFJ so I didn't hold back my ENFP-ness in front of him, I was expecting to understand me well and when this didn't happen I realised he's an ISFP. I broke up with him because, due to his desire to live in the present moment and I think also laziness, he chooses to be unemployed so never had enough money to see me. We were only together for about 6 weeks officially, but I met him back in October.

I think ENFPs can be the perfect partner for others and when I was younger I was more willing to sacrifice parts of myself to make things work with people if they met minimum criteria (similar morals, found them attractive, loyal, some similar interests etc). I have settled for far less than I deserve because of this tendency, so I recently decided I want to aim higher and rather than adapting to others, I just want to find someone who stimulates all parts of my brain and personality and who understands me and never tells me I am 'overanalysing' things all the time - my ISFP said this constantly, and I've noticed this is something S-types tend to say to me but N-types never do. Next person I date I want them to be an INFX because I think that would work well.
Click to expand...
This is exactly how I feel at the moment with my ISFP 'crush' (although, I think this is fading....fast)

MuChApArAdOx said:
I love this part of the post =) The most amazing relationship is one you can be exactly who you are. And good for you, not settling. :) There has to be that level of connection thou, going and coming. And for this reason i can't judge the OP for feeling a strong bond with this guy. I don't believe we can actually control that chemestry. We have choices, and if we choose to explore that intense chemestry we shouldn't have to apologize for it. ( assuming everyone is single ). Nothing here lead me to believe this guy was moving in on his bf. All i read was they were more compatiable. We can still get compliments from people who aren't romantically moving in on us. I'm sure this guy is equally aware that they share some kind of connection. When its on, its on. IDK, personally i would find it hard to disconnect myself away from something/someone that was making me feel like i was understood on so many levels. The ultimate goal for both these types is to feel understood, and if/ when we find that, we want to hold on forever ; ) The same can be said with friendships.
Click to expand...
So very true! :happy:

I think it really is important for us ENFPs to feel that we can truly be ourselves with our partners. Otherwise, you put yourself at risk of becoming bitter and resentful....and trust me, that's not a healthy place to be (I tend to switch to scary, unhealthy ISTJ mode at this point :frustrating:)

It's a difficult situation- and I agree with others who point out that the friendship between the two men is going to complicate matters further. However, having said this- you really shouldn't stay in a relationship is you are unhappy. nobody should feel that they have to act or behave differently in order for a relationship to work.
See less See more
Reply
Save
Like
  • Like
Reactions: 1
T
liza_200 said:
Well, I agree with you. But you see, she's already attracted to that INTJ male. And now if she suddenly breaks off out of no where giving him the reason that he's incompatible, then he has got many chances to misunderstand or suspect that she's breaking off because she is attracted to some other male or maybe his own best friend. A lot of questions will arise in his mind if she gives him this reason. It might sound fair to her but unfair to him cause all these days she didn't say any such thing to him then why all of a sudden now? Well, that's natural to think in that way. He will misunderstand her thoughts. It's a good reason to her, but not to him.So for that, she needs a proper concrete reason which will sound logical to him,so that he doesn't misunderstands her further and for that she needs time.
Click to expand...
So I'm guessing the "it's not you, it's me" argument won't work in this situation, then? LOL
Reply
Save
Like
M
What the worst part of all is, this connection you guys are talking about? He says he feels like he has a connection to me he's never had with anybody else, and that it grows more and more every day.
And I do still have really strong feelings for him. If I break up with him, I'll miss him a lot. I still do want to be with him, it's just that there's a lot of miscommunication. Plus- I don't want to hurt him.
Reply
Save
Like
A
marmaladeskies said:
What the worst part of all is, this connection you guys are talking about? He says he feels like he has a connection to me he's never had with anybody else, and that it grows more and more every day.
And I do still have really strong feelings for him. If I break up with him, I'll miss him a lot. I still do want to be with him, it's just that there's a lot of miscommunication. Plus- I don't want to hurt him.
Click to expand...
I think most personality types can feel that they have that connection with ENFPs because we're so understanding and accepting and forgiving of a huge variety of people. It's a lot harder for us to find that in someone else.
Reply
Save
Like
L
The King Of Dreams said:
So I'm guessing the "it's not you, it's me" argument won't work in this situation, then? LOL
Click to expand...
Elaborate it please!

marmaladeskies said:
What the worst part of all is, this connection you guys are talking about? He says he feels like he has a connection to me he's never had with anybody else, and that it grows more and more every day.
And I do still have really strong feelings for him. If I break up with him, I'll miss him a lot. I still do want to be with him, it's just that there's a lot of miscommunication. Plus- I don't want to hurt him.
Click to expand...
Then why are you even thinking about that INTJ guy? Control yourself. You can't have two people at once, neither situation will agree with this, nor your mind nor those two men.
Reply
Save
Like
1 - 20 of 31 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Personality Cafe
A forum community dedicated to all ranges of personality types and people. Come join the discussion about health, behavior, care, testing, personality types, and more!
Full Forum Listing
Explore Our Forums
INFP Forum - The Idealists INFJ Forum - The Protectors INTP Forum - The Thinkers INTJ Forum - The Scientists Sex and Relationships
Top