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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi All,

Ok, things are going wonderfully between this ENFP guy and I. We met about 2 months ago, but have had classes since last term. We are both studying to be teachers. We both admit that we like each other more than friends . He has had some trust issues in the past (g/f cheated on him 4 years ago) & they also experienced strain in their relationship because he wanted to go away and travel for an extended length of time (he studied in Russia for 1 year). I asked him if he trusts me, to which he replied, "yes". He said he feels like jerk because all he can give me is friendship right now. He is meeting with his ex on Saturday for coffee. He said he is trying to decide between the two of us & even said he feels like dropping the idea of either of us.

I told him that I respect him for being so honest with me. I also said that I promised him my friendship & that he means so much to me that it wouldn't be worth giving that up. Problem is, we contact each other everyday (with him initiating about 98% of time). I told him this level of communication has become difficult for me emotionally because the more frequently we communication the more we build up this level of close intimacy & this in turn leads me to have more than just "friendly" feelings towards him. I can't stop myself. If it gets to hard to just 'accept' friendship, I told him that I will have to distance myself from him (avoids building up all these intense feelings that are not moving beyond friendship). I have only two people in my life who I choose to have deep, revealing, heart-wrenching convos with: my female ENFP friend and my INFP sister... I want to invite him into this circle as more than just a friend because that is where my feelings are.

He seems confused about what to do. He has ambitious to travel in a long-term way (perhaps another reason why he doesn't want to move it beyond friendship), on the other hand, he is meeting with his ex. I plan to travel for an extended period time as well, but, I am willing to want to make something work.

Help me sort this one out, ENFPs.

Thanks!
 

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I can't relate to the way he acts at all.. I have always fallen in love and wanted to be very close to my boyfriend immediately (though it's been a while since the last time as I've been in the same relationship for 7 years now). I have never had any problems with commitment, even though I was hurt in a past relationship I still fell in love again.

If I were you I wouldn't put up with him contacting you all the time yet not wanting to be your boyfriend. What's up with that o_O
Force him to make up his mind :) Give him, say, a week to make up his mind and if he still doesn't want to be more than a friend and you still have feelings for him, stay away from him and tell him not to contact you. That might very well make him change his mind. If I liked someone a lot (enough to contact them every day) and they told me they either wanted me to get serious with them or stop contacting them, I am quite sure I'd think that the person really meant it, and I would respect them even more and probably choose to commit myself. But that's just me.
 

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Why does he wants to have a coffee with his ex or why does he wants to meet her? From the information which you've given, it simple means that he still loves his ex (and that's why he's still meeting her) and also he can't leave you at the same time. He's afraid of loosing you (since you've told him that you'll distance yourself from him) maybe he likes you a lot as his friend but he's afraid of hurting you. In my opinion, you should give him some time. If you see that he's still attached to his gf, then it's totally on you. If you see that he's happy in that way and you can bear that, then stay as his friend. If you can't bear it, if it hurts you too much (it's going to hurt you at the beginning anyways, and he'll also feel bad) then keep a distance.
 

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He said he feels like jerk because all he can give me is friendship right now. He is meeting with his ex on Saturday for coffee. He said he is trying to decide between the two of us & even said he feels like dropping the idea of either of us.
My hunch is that if he must feel like he has something still possible with his ex if he thinks he needs to "decide between the two of you". If this is the case, he is keeping one foot in each door for the time being. He wouldn't want to move forward with that relationship with you until he properly closes the other door and does things the right way aligned with his moral compass. He probably mentions "dropping the idea of either of you" because he is afraid that he will get hurt or more likely that he will be responsible for hurting other peoples feelings...

I'm guessing there are two possible outcomes after his coffee on Saturday. This is pure speculation!
1) He closes the book properly with her and then requests a little time to gather his thoughts (so he doesn't think of you as a rebound) but then you guys may up getting together anyway fairly soon.
2) His coffee meeting doesn't leave him feeling enough closure and he just keeps on lingering like he is already for a long time unable to make a decision until he leaves for travel and lets time and distance take care of it for him...

I have only two people in my life who I choose to have deep, revealing, heart-wrenching convos with: my female ENFP friend and my INFP sister... I want to invite him into this circle as more than just a friend because that is where my feelings are.
He might be willing to be a friend that has those types of conversations, as I myself have one ENFJ friend (female) with whom I reveal myself and our relationship stuff more than most anyone (but we're both in relationships with other people...). I'm guessing it would be too uncomfortable as you'd be into him too much in the process at least right now...

At least you're lucky to have your NF girl friends and family!

I hope all goes well and enjoy the ride!
 

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Cut him off. Ignore him for a few days while you live your life, and if he wants to meet up with you, tell him "it's her or me". Don't accept poor treatment -if he tells you he has to choose between you and someone else, you should be turned off, girl! Seriously. Give this guy some space and don't accept friendship, and watch him come running. If he's truly enfp and a guy, I guarantee you'll see his true feelings if you give him the cold shoulder. Cold meaning coy and not bitchy, btw.

If he's still secretly in love with his girlfriend, you can't change that, and are better off without him in your life anyways. You should be friends with people who make you feel good instead of taking you for granted and making you doubt yourself, like this guy.
 

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I would SO not put up with this!! It sounds, to me, like he is stringing you along as a back up IF... I would be NO one's 2nd or back up choice. Both his making constant contact while not taking your relationship to the more intimate level that normally goes with it, as well as his desire to see his ex because he is not sure which of you he wants implies that you are indeed not THAT important to him.

I have seen guys post again and again that, if/when a guy is really into a girl, nothing gets in the way of his being with her. I consider my self worth more than being strung along like that, but I tend to be pretty decisive (if not downright impulsive) about such things.

Trust me, there ARE awesome guys out there who wont make you wait, second guess yourself etc... they are worth staying free for and waiting for, or at least that was the case for me.

I wish you luck - this sounds frustrating/painful.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Hello ENFPs & INFP,

@TyTy, @Zster, @garmypoo, @liza_200, @BuddhistENFP, @shedreamt ....

Thank you for your thoughtful replies. I cried all day yesterday. :sad:
Mr. ENFP has said something interesting things to me this past week…

-I feel guilty knowing I am moving from my ex on to you.
(My thoughts: where is this ex of 4 years who cheated on him coming from? I just recently learnt she finished school this year. I wonder if she is thinking they might “work” as couple again…. You know, possibilities. I don’t know for sure though) I even asked him why he felt 'guilty', he did not reply & changed the topic.

-Sometimes it is easier to think you’re in love than to accept that you are alone

-I don’t want to lose what we have going on, I can continue like this, but it is obvious that it hurts you too much. It would be much easier if you weren’t so amazing.
-It makes me feel like a terrible person to involve you emotionally, because I try to plan my actions to minimize any suffering.

-I really like you because you seem to appreciate me for who I am. You are a deep person who I want to get know more about. If possible, regardless, I want to somehow end up your friend (or more depending on the cards). However, it is not fair to involve you in my issues (maybe too late)

Last night, things got really hard…
-I texted him & said that it was wonderful meeting him and we had great conversations. I wished him best of luck with his practicum and great summer.

He replied…
“I am confused. I thought we were going to limit our conversations, not end them all together”
I replied…
“This all later. I am tired. Good night”

He text me back late this afternoon. Incidentally this also happens to be the day he met his ex for coffee.
“I think we need to establish rules on communication frequency and what things are safe to communicate to avoid further miscommunication”.
I told him that I would think about it and let him know in a day.

-->I don’t want to lose him. We all know that, that an ENFP and ENFJ can’t simply communicate things which are not authentic, deep, and meaningful for us. At the same time, I feel a part of me dies every time we talk. I wish I knew what was going on in his head and heart…. I don’t even know anymore…

Thoughts?
 

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Okay, I'm going to be brutally honest with you here for a second, because I wish someone had said this to me when I was in your predicament.

The guy is playing you - and you're letting him.

-I feel guilty knowing I am moving from my ex on to you.
(My thoughts: where is this ex of 4 years who cheated on him coming from? I just recently learnt she finished school this year. I wonder if she is thinking they might “work” as couple again…. You know, possibilities. I don’t know for sure though)
I was told the exact same thing by the ESFP I was dating for a while. We had a great relationship, so much in common, the chemistry was excellent, but he kept saying this to me. They'd been dating for 4 years, they'd both fooled around on each other, but he still loved her deeply and apparently felt bad moving on from her to me. I believed him...at the time.

-Sometimes it is easier to think you’re in love than to accept that you are alone
Heard the same thing again. It's basically the kind of bullshit a person says when they're trying to let you down without losing you. He wants to keep having fun, you want to get serious, he isn't ready yet, but he doesn't want to let you off the hook entirely, because then he loses the parts of the relationship that he enjoys. Selfish, when it comes down to it.
-I don’t want to lose what we have going on, I can continue like this, but it is obvious that it hurts you too much. It would be much easier if you weren’t so amazing.
Ditto the above. I'm not saying he might not really think you're an amazing person, he probably does, and that IS why it's so hard for him to just reject you flat out...but he's still rejecting you, because he's rejecting what you NEED.
-It makes me feel like a terrible person to involve you emotionally, because I try to plan my actions to minimize any suffering.
Hahahaha. I heard this one SO MANY TIMES from the ESFP. Fuck it. Seriously. It's bullshit. Again, he feels guilty because he KNOWS he's being selfish, and that if he's honest with you, you'll (rightly so) hightail it out of there and he'll lose out on the stuff he enjoys.

-I really like you because you seem to appreciate me for who I am. You are a deep person who I want to get know more about. If possible, regardless, I want to somehow end up your friend (or more depending on the cards). However, it is not fair to involve you in my issues (maybe too late)
"I feel so close to you," "I've never had this kind of connection with a person before," "I want to love you, but I'm so damaged, I don't know how anymore," etc...etc...etc...Yeah, been there, heard it all before too.

Last night, things got really hard…
I texted him & said that it was wonderful meeting him and we had great conversations. I wished him best of luck with his practicum and great summer.
He replied…
“I am confused. I thought we were going to limit our conversations, not end them all together”
I replied…
“This all later. I am tired. Good night”
He text me back late this afternoon. Incidentally this also happens to be the day he met his ex for coffee.
“I think we need to establish rules on communication frequency and what things are safe to communicate to avoid further miscommunication”.
I told him that I would think about it and let him know in a day.
My honest, hand-on-my-heart advice to you, is that if you can't have fun with this guy without getting attached, then get as far away from him as possible, because he's going to damage you as much as he's been damaged himself.

He may not even realize he's doing it, YOU may not even realize he's doing it, but he's manipulating your feelings to get the most reward with the least commitment. He'll let you get as far as he wants you to, then come up with a vague but touching reason why it can't go any further.

I don't know how much it has to do with type, but if he's an ENFP and truly that indecisive about the situation, he's more likely to keep the contact light, airy and non-committal, while actively keeping a respectable distance from you. In fact, I'd say, if he truly sensed he was hurting you they way he claims he does, he'd probably just disappear off the face of the map rather than hurt you any further. I'm not saying it's a good way of dealing with things either, lol, but it's what ENFPs tend to do when they realize they're another person's poison.

Bottom line: he's a smart guy, and he's using you to get what he wants as long as he can until you realize you can do better than his bullshit and walk away. He might not be a bad person, but until he grows up and matures a bit, he's not going to learn, and until he learns, he's not going to change. Please don't wait for him to figure it out, it's not worth it, and even if he does, chances are you'll resent him too much for the shit he's put you through emotionally to feel the same way about him by then anyway.

I'm not the expert on men, but this is BLOW BY BLOW the experience I had with one, and for your sake, I really hope I'm wrong. Because that shit messed me right the fuck up. :S
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
My honest, hand-on-my-heart advice to you, is that if you can't have fun with this guy without getting attached, then get as far away from him as possible, because he's going to damage you as much as he's been damaged himself.
Like other NFs, we are relationship centered people. I believe all relationships require a level of attachment, unless of course it is all fun and games. So, yes, it would be impossible for me to avoid any attachment. In fact, we are already attached, otherwise I would not feel this way.

He may not even realize he's doing it, YOU may not even realize he's doing it, but he's manipulating your feelings to get the most reward with the least commitment. He'll let you get as far as he wants you to, then come up with a vague but touching reason why it can't go any further.
The part in bold is what scares me the most. Maybe he has another person on the side (the ex?) with whom he can go further emotionally. Because we are both teachers, most of what we share is our feelings towards people (which, again, is our philosophy in life). It is unavoidable for us not to at least know each others values and those things we dream for ourselves. What reward do you think he is trying to get? I am not sure what you meant by that.

I don't know how much it has to do with type, but if he's an ENFP and truly that indecisive about the situation, he's more likely to keep the contact light, airy and non-committal, while actively keeping a respectable distance from you. In fact, I'd say, if he truly sensed he was hurting you they way he claims he does, he'd probably just disappear off the face of the map rather than hurt you any further.
That's just it. He contacts me daily and the interactions are not light and airy; they are however, non-committal. I am not looking for a relationship, but I looking to build upon something that will eventually become a relationship. I feel it is unfair for me to dedicate so much time to something unless their is some sort of possibility of more... not just a possibility, but work being done for the sake of a relationship.

Bottom line: he's a smart guy, and he's using you to get what he wants as long as he can until you realize you can do better than his bullshit and walk away. He might not be a bad person, but until he grows up and matures a bit, he's not going to learn, and until he learns, he's not going to change. Please don't wait for him to figure it out, it's not worth it, and even if he does, chances are you'll resent him too much for the shit he's put you through emotionally to feel the same way about him by then anyway.
Agree. I can't make him "figure it out" anyways. That is up to him.


I'm not the expert on men, but this is BLOW BY BLOW the experience I had with one, and for your sake, I really hope I'm wrong. Because that shit messed me right the fuck up. :S
I am sorry to hear this. I understand that you are coming from a different place than I might be, but, either way, you seem to have identified particular behaviours that took place between you and the ESFP & see it as a mirror of what is happening to me. We are different people with different experiences, though, let's be honest: people are predictable.

It hurt to read your response, but in the same token, it brought a different perspective to my situation.

Thank you for sharing something that was difficult for you. It is often hard to do this (in writing) without totally reliving the experience.
 
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