Personality Cafe banner



    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • NO WAY

    Votes: 3 100.0%
1 - 4 of 4 Posts

4 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
For a year and a half, I (the ENFP male) was dating an ESFJ (female). I broke it off. However, I've been recently reconsidering getting back together. We recently talked about where we failed each other, could have tried harder, and reflected on what we've learned apart.

PROS: we have absolutely everything in common, like going out on daytrip's, foods, the music we like, holiday celebrations, friends, family, both super super affectionate and lovey dovey (we are so attracted to each other), love a clean house, etc.., everything in common, even childhood likes and experiences. It is like she dropped from the sky out of a mail order catalog... so much fun. She's also committed to growth and doing whatever it takes to make a relationship work, including reading books and counseling. We were on our way to engagement.

CONS: As I have seen on other posts and some sites, she (ESFJ) just can't seem to listen, understand, or connect with my sort of dreamy, artistic ideas… or even just talking about the hard day I've been having. It's like she has to ask 40 questions when I'm just sharing something chill about my day. And the questions sort of seem like an interrogation. Challenging in approach. She is sort of black and white. Short on Enpathy??? Also, she started becomming incredibly moody. It was like a three month cycle. Things were great, then over three months, the negatives on her side would grow. Hot cold hot cold. I felt like I was walking on eggshells at times because I didn't know who would be walking through the door. And she "couldn't" see her behavior. Says she didn't know she was acting that way. It's like I just can't put my finger on it. She saw me as her best friend, but I couldn't see her as my best friend in the end because it just doesn't seem like I could be myself sometimes. After a while I felt like I irritated her with my sort of ENFP artsy, sharing, spaced-outness, even though I always just loved to just listen to her. I also felt like I was giving and giving and getting little back emotionally at times. IT’s true, that we both have a lot of trauma in our backgrounds, so I fear at times that we bonded over that.

I know with the cons it sounds “ridiculous” that I want to get back together, but when times are good, and she's in a good mood, it is the most fantastic relationship in the world. Amazing. Knockout!!! I'm really struggling over this. It's so hard to know as someone over 40 where we are to positively compromise in life and work on communication. God knows I have a lot to work on. Is the ENFP and ESFJ match just doomed in the end?

Your experiences? I’m so Confused. Am I crazy???

6,850 Posts
She's not going to magically wake up one morning and transform into an intuitive with unlimited patience for your 'crazy ideas.'

Bearing that in mind, and with no expectations that it will ever be anything other than it is -- do you want to be with her? Enough to abandon your Ne-needs when it comes to conversation? Or will you forever crave someone who connects to you on a different level?

387 Posts
Your pros are actually better than I thought they would be for an ENFP/ESFJ relationship!

But I think we are also prone to wanting to patch back up relationships that aren't beneficial to us. It happens to me all the time. Hell, I just trying to reconnect with a friend who is actively attracted to my fiance/never put 1/4 of what I put into our friendship.

I think sometimes we romanticize certain moments from our past and think, "I'll never find someone like this again I need to talk to them!" or "I'm overthinking this they're probably just wondering where I am!" or something else along those lines I don't know. And since (most) of us are so overtly positive we forget the parts that.. suck.

If you watch the Office it's kinda like.. Michael Scott syndrome. :laughing:

But really blahblahblahblahblah give it like another month or something--see where she is/where you are/how you feel and reconsider.

261 Posts
I just got out of a relationship with an ESFJ. This was my experience.

We broke up about a week ago. She was very emotionally turbulent and not on a good path in life. When we met, she was living with the father of her two children, but very unhappy and wanting to leave. She then followed through with moving out. There were so many red flags but she was reorienting her whole life for me so I figured I would give her a shot. We had issues but were mostly really happy together. But the stress of her moving out took its toll on her, she was overwhelmed and ended up getting back with her ex since it was a better situation for her. She cheated on me with him and completely disappeared out of my life. I am the fool for allowing her into my life to begin with, but even after the shady crap she pulled at the end, I miss her like crazy.

- We were super comfortable around each other. I am use to women being more high strung and demanding, but she was super chill. We both could completely be our dorky selves around each other with no shame. I never felt like I had to "perform" for her or be anything other than myself.
- She was so dang loving. The ways she would flirt and be loving towards me when we were together or over text were like crack to me. She also was really receptive of my nurturing love towards her (through words at least).
- She was focused, hard working, and super orderly. She was always helping clean and organize things, she loved doing it and I LOVED having that in my life.

- Our communication styles were very different. I wanted to share about ideas, experiences, and the future and she wanted to talk about the details of her day and the past. It was either one or the other, these two don't intermingle well. We weren't together long enough to really dig into communication and needs to try to do anything about this. But I would say most of the time we had conversations, I felt unfulfilled.
- While she was extremely receptive to my verbal or physical displays of affection, anytime I did loving things for her in deed she would not respond very well. I would spend all this energy taking her out to do things she wanted to do like shopping (which I hated) or expending a lot of energy doing things with\for her kids. She wouldn't be loving towards me when I was doing these things to reciprocate. I'd find myself exhausted and running on a low “love tank” if you know what I mean. I need a response when I do things for her and I don't think she understood that. She felt like I should do it “just out of love” and not require anything in return.
- She did not understand or appreciate my values. This was the pits!
- She was very set in her ways. this particular one was not interested in personal development. She was devastated by and hated her flaws, but couldn't receive feedback. Got very defensive and closed off if even small issues were brought up.
- She could not really understand or integrate long term benefits of doing "the right thing" in her life. Things that were hard to deal with she just gave up or resorted to destructive coping mechanisms. When she would try to do certain things, she would complain constantly.
- While she was loving and flirtatious, she was not very romantic. I know that sounds weird, but it was like the same chill girl who would talk about what she had for lunch would talk about intimacy in the same way with the same tone. She wouldn't like look me in the eye and say loving things to me, it was just all the same tone and body language with her for everything.
- She jumped to conclusions and assumed things about me constantly. She never asked questions to actually learn something, it was like her questions already had her own answers and she rarely would receive what I had to say or show any interest in seeing things from a different perspective.
- She held grudges like crazy. Dumb things I did the day we met were still thrown in my face months later. She was prone to create unnecessary drama for no good reason.
- Hot/Cold. While we werent together for too long, we did go through a few episodes like the original post mentions where she completely shut down and wasn't loving towards me at all. While I can be moody, I can't compute this kind of extreme and it made me miserable.
- Lying. She would lie to me about dumb stuff to cover up her shortcomings. One of the biggest red flags of all.
- She had a one track mind and would be obsessive about certain things. I found this trait charming in some cases, but if she was ever obsessed with something I wasn't interested in or didn't like she would take it extremely personally. This was really annoying and probably the worst part of our relationship for her.

But I still find myself wishing we could work things out, crazy as it sounds. Lots of issues but the potential for it to be great is really there if we could work on some things.

I guess the question in my mind is if it is possible for an ESFJ to develop beyond some of the more unsavory pitfalls, cause they would be great partners with a few issues sorted.
1 - 4 of 4 Posts