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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Hi! :eek:) I'm a little new, though I'm well aware of all the threads about the infamous INTJ/ENFP relationship dynamic. I'm looking for more personal input on a particular situation though, if you guys don't mind. :kitteh:

So there has been this (apparently) magnet-like attraction between my guy friend and I for about a year now, as soon as we met it felt like we had known each other for years prior and ever since then we've gotten closer (a seemingly long process for a sometimes impatient ENFP to pin down an elusive INTJ, you guys think you're so tricky!) >.< When things started to progress, he was very clear with me about his intentions (those five paragraph texts will be the end of me) about not really wanting a girlfriend but still wanting to take advantage of/enjoy our ridiculous attraction to each other and I was fine with that. It's been almost a year since we started noticing whatever it was between us and since then we've grown a lot closer (both of us not sleeping around, monogamous for all intents and purposes), and honestly I pride myself in being able to pick up on people's feelings before they're even really aware of them - I can tell that his feelings have progressed, especially after reading all these things on this forum about what INTJ's typically do when they really like someone. All the touching, the making time for you, the physical affection especially in private, the eye contact, the going places together but it not seeming like an official "date," the compliment giving, etc. I should mention he's definitely as much of an INTJ as I am an ENFP, which is pretty textbook, but he's a very good communicator when he is sure of himself.

But I don't know what to do! I've made it pretty clear how I feel just by how I am, it's hard for me NOT to show someone I like them, but my feelings have grown too. How can I make sure we're on the same page? Should I bring it up next time we're alone, and just be up front about it? Or should I just be my gushy ENFP self and let it slip over our next drink? What do you mysterious INTJ creatures think? :3 I'm dying here!! ^^;;
 

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Here's a thing.
Go with the flow.
Ask him to hang out, then just go back to yours to watch a movie and get a little snuggly with him.
Basically do all the dating with none of the "title" and he'll likely become very comfortable with the idea.

"When the facts change, I change my mind."
- Keynes, one of the INTJ poster boys.

He'll likely stew over his feelings and have a 'revolutionary new philosophy' within a week.
 

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Here's a thing.
Go with the flow.
Ask him to hang out, then just go back to yours to watch a movie and get a little snuggly with him.
Basically do all the dating with none of the "title" and he'll likely become very comfortable with the idea.

"When the facts change, I change my mind."
- Keynes, one of the INTJ poster boys.

He'll likely stew over his feelings and have a 'revolutionary new philosophy' within a week.
Padfeet, I skipped most of what you wrote (umm, sorry) ... but this always works.
 

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So there has been this (apparently) magnet-like attraction between my guy friend and I for about a year now, as soon as we met it felt like we had known each other for years prior and ever since then we've gotten closer (a seemingly long process for a sometimes impatient ENFP to pin down an elusive INTJ, you guys think you're so tricky!) >.< When things started to progress, he was very clear with me about his intentions (those five paragraph texts will be the end of me) about not really wanting a girlfriend but still wanting to take advantage of/enjoy our ridiculous attraction to each other and I was fine with that. It's been almost a year since we started noticing whatever it was between us and since then we've grown a lot closer (both of us not sleeping around, monogamous for all intents and purposes), and honestly I pride myself in being able to pick up on people's feelings before they're even really aware of them - I can tell that his feelings have progressed, especially after reading all these things on this forum about what INTJ's typically do when they really like someone. All the touching, the making time for you, the physical affection especially in private, the eye contact, the going places together but it not seeming like an official "date," the compliment giving, etc. I should mention he's definitely as much of an INTJ as I am an ENFP, which is pretty textbook, but he's a very good communicator when he is sure of himself.

But I don't know what to do! I've made it pretty clear how I feel just by how I am, it's hard for me NOT to show someone I like them, but my feelings have grown too. How can I make sure we're on the same page? Should I bring it up next time we're alone, and just be up front about it? Or should I just be my gushy ENFP self and let it slip over our next drink? What do you mysterious INTJ creatures think? :3 I'm dying here!! ^^;;


LOOOOL ENFP throws a mega paragraph on how this guy is so awesome and you're so good together and then goes "I dunno what to do"

hahaha that's typical ENFP

it's obvious what to do, enjoy your time with him and relax
 

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Have you tried really kissing him? I don't mean giving a platonic closed mouth kiss: I mean deep kissing him. The unmistakable chemistry that exploded when I opened my mouth and really kissed my now INTJ boyfriend was what led to our romantic relationship. The chemistry knocked my socks off, and apparently did the same to him. He calmly made a pass at me. INTJs are so awesomely cool that I couldn't tell how affected he was until we were naked together. :)
 

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It sounds like the only thing that's missing here is a label, which believe me, you can do without. Obviously he's into you, and if you're monogomous then I don't see the point in having "the talk". I cant speak for him, but if I was a guy and you started getting all mushy on me about whether or not we're a couple, I'd probably withdraw. Don't try to complicate something that's not complicated at all cause chances are that will annoy him. Go with the flow as @MissJordan said.
 

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I think you should ask him. If clarity is what you seek, be upfront about it and ask. Preferably, while you're sober.

I don't see why you'd have to hide the way you feel for him.
 

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It seems to me that you clearly, and I mean CLEARLY, want the D.
 
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Why don't you withdraw and see what happens? If you initiate everything, then he will take you for granted and treat you in that same spoiled 'she's available for me, and I don't have to do much of anything' for the duration of the relationship. If he's an INTJ, he's probably practical. He'll tend to take advantage if he sees you as the one who can't do without him. This isn't to cast aspersions; people, especially practical people, simply tend to act this way.

If your mom cleaned your room for you when you were a kid, you probably weren't going to suddenly start cleaning it yourself until she made you by not doing it all herself. It's the same thing for all of life.

On the other hand, if he really cares, then he should come to you. That will send the message to him that you aren't to be taken for granted. Don't let anyone take you for granted, and especially not an INTJ. They'll take you for all you're worth if you're not careful.
 

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As an ENFP, you have more social grace than any INTJ. So follow your gut instincts, it'll do the trick.
As for your INTJ, I bet my nostrils he notice you like him. Its just for an INTJ, reciprocating feelings is a mysterious tool they never quite get the hang on(though after a series of practice, if they are diligent enough an INTJ could achieve a sufficient amount of proper feeling exchange technique. Though in this context I'm assuming he haven't develop that part of himself yet).
So hanging out with him frequently is the best way to go. Remember, we have the same problem with getting out of our shells as you trying to penetrate it; whoa, that sounds a little kinky. :shocked:
Anyway, good luck.
 

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@ Padfeet

If it were me, and I told someone I didn't want a commitment, it would most likely be because I still felt connected with someone else Fi. I'm extremely monogamous by nature. I never really feel a strong romantic desire fore more than one person at a time.
So what works with me? Do NOT get moody or be fickle. If you're i satisfied with the relationship, or his affection towards you, if you seem to get angry about it, its a Major turnoff.
Turn On? Consistency, intelligence, sense of humor, caring. BUT
Here's the tricky part. I like someone a lot more if I think I may have lost them. I get turned off if someone is pushy. My feelings are like an immovable object sometimes. The thing is, we're not P types. If he is INTJ and he makes quick judgements, the must be some reason why he's not that he's not telling you. I wouldn't push him. I'd make him think he may be losing you while still being consistent and not being pushy. Don't know how to pull this off tho.
 

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Intj's respond honestly to direct questions. It's fine-- and will save a lot of time and anxiety- if you tell him what you want from the relationship and ask what he wants.
Yes we certainly like being direct and appreciate it when others are direct. The problem sometimes is, people can appear to be direct when actually they are telling you something else. I will take that you mean what you say, unless it doesn't make sense logically. So yes you can be direct and he will understand it more if you give the reasons why...

Ex: It bothers me not to be able to call you my boyfriend. When I talk about my life with other people and mention you, I'm forced to call it something else. This causes confusion in my relationships with other people. They start asking about the weird relationship status when I really am just wanting to talk about my day.....
Whatever reasons you actually have.

But, we hate Banter. If you've made your point and keep making the same point without adding, it feels insulting. We would have responded to that point already, if our response isn't worth considering and you keep saying the same thing this is Banter.
 

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INTJs love it when people are honest and straightforward-- that's because we are, too. Just be yourself. Try to cultivate your strengths of kindness and caring. Try to value the things he upholds and finds important. We love people who love the same things we do. We can relate to them.
 

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Have you tried really kissing him? I don't mean giving a platonic closed mouth kiss: I mean deep kissing him. The unmistakable chemistry that exploded when I opened my mouth and really kissed my now INTJ boyfriend was what led to our romantic relationship. The chemistry knocked my socks off, and apparently did the same to him. He calmly made a pass at me. INTJs are so awesomely cool that I couldn't tell how affected he was until we were naked together. :)
Bahaha, this post made me literally LOL. Absolutely the chemistry is in the kiss ; ) ha, still laughing at your last line. Funny, but.....true ;)
 
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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Good advice, thank you! I've definitely noticed that, though it often feels like neither of us really has to try to value the same things, we just kind of do already. :kitteh:
 
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