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Discussion Starter #1
Hey everyone!! So I've actually been reading INFJ forums a lot to try and get an idea of how an INFJ would act around someone if they had romantic interest in them, and reading certain threads has been super informative and helpful yet I'm still second guessing myself. I'm sure I won't get a definitive answer anyway because the only sure way of knowing if someone likes you is by asking them, but hopefully for those of you reading my situation, you'll see why it's a little difficult for me to do so!

So basically I worked with someone for almost a year - I'm not 100% sure he's an INFJ because he hasn't explicitly told me but he has all the telltale signs: super intuitive, very unique and artsy, intellectual, kept to himself and introverted yet quite social as well (as INFJs are the most social of introverts), super easy to open up to him as they are considered confidants, and I've read a lot about how INFJ's and ENFPs (myself) have this natural intuitive connection and I definitely immediately got that sense from him. I feel as though he's extroverted in the ways that I'm introverted and vise versa. When he started working at my workplace, we began talking little by little and discovered we had SO many interests in common - we're both very into movies and shows and we found we even like pretty much the same things and notice the same elements in those movies or shows to be interesting. We're both very people-cantered and observant, I'm a little more bubbly and I ramble a lot, as ENFPs are know to do haha, but I always feel like he is really listening to me, not like when some other people seem to just let you talk without really caring. Also, he seems to open up a little more around me than others I believe. We were usually in group settings when working but I noticed he would always give me more eye contact, look at me for longer, and express more about his past and his childhood without being prompted to do so. And though he's generally interested in people, I feel as though he delved a little deeper with me, asked me more questions, and I know he remembered so many details about my life as he would bring them up in subsequent conversations without being prompted. Sometimes I would find he would seem almost psychic too, as I'd have a thought and the next second he would voice it and several times we've found ourselves saying the exact same thing at the same time. We've even discovered we had similar experiences growing up in feeling alone, rejected, sort of out of place and unique in the ways that we saw the world.

That's just a little background on why there's a possibility for a vibe. So I started to develop a crush on him after some time because I just felt like he really saw me and although I appear extroverted and like I have many friends on the surface, I only really feel like a few people really 'get' me, and honestly there was just a feeling with him that he really saw me. The problem in this scenario is..... he already has a girlfriend. So I tried to control my feelings but that didn't work and I'm basically obsessed with him haha, but I'm a little angry too because he hasn't exactly been discrete with whatever vibes he's giving out. I feel as though he regularly flirts with me - on several occasions, I've caught him staring at me, once lingering on my lips while having this hazy daydream smile look on his face. Additionally, he'll do things like smile and bite his lip after he teases me, oh ya and that's another thing, he teases me A LOT. Once, he caught me blushing and pointed it out by saying "aw, you're blushing" and he started smiling really widely and proceeded to tease me about it and tried to get me to blush more. He also sometimes very quickly gets nervous body language - it doesn't seem to last too long and kind of comes out of no where but he does things like fiddle with his clothes, his lanyard, and shake his leg. He's done things like touch my arm in conversation and he's had his hands brush against my fingers in what could be an accident but I can't be sure - one thing is for sure though, I've never personally see him reach out to touch any one else in the office. There's this one other girl that's more touchy feely with everyone and she'll occasionally tap his arm or give him high fives and he reciprocates but he's never actually reached out to touch anyone other than me I don't think. Also, he's teased me about other guys in the office, and on a few occasions has joked that I have "secret admirers" and I'm wondering whether grouping himself in that category with the guys he's claiming he's referring to could be a way of disguising his own crush on me.

Some other weird things too: this one time he was talking about his girlfriend going out of town. I asked him about where she was going and how long, just to make friendly conversation and try to cover up the fact that I very much wish he didn't have a girlfriend LOL, and he told me she was going away for two weeks. I said, "oh that will be a nice vacation!" To which he replied, "yeah, freedom!" and the way he said it honestly sounded like he meant freedom from her.... I was taken aback by the comment and didn't know how to respond so I just kind of mumbled "oh no you'll miss her" to which he said nothing and there was about a 10 second silence until I changed the topic.... part of me wonders whether I'm just reading into it and he meant freedom as in she'll have freedom to explore the city but my intuition tells me that was not the vibe he was giving off, ESPECIALLY since he proceeded to ask me and another co worker to go out after work with him that very week, but again he could just be being friendly and I could be reading into everything in order to feed my own ego so it's driving me crazy! I just started working in another work area so we're not seeing each other for work anymore and recently I asked him to lunch to catch up (I don't want to be a home wrecker at all, but I thought just as friends catching up would be nice cause we had gotten close over time).. we met up and he suggested going again, but then never messaged me about it after?!

I feel like I've received so many mixed signals from him and I know he has a girlfriend, but sometimes he really hasn't been acting like it and I know I should forget about it and move on, because for one reason or another, it's clear he's not sure what he's doing and isn't going to make a move on me and I wouldn't want him to any way because that would be super shady in his situation. Honestly, all I want at this point is some other INFJs to shed some light on the situation as it is a really rare personality type and I don't exactly have an abundance of them in my life to share this situation with and ask what might be going through his head.

So some more clearcut questions: Could this INFJ like me AND love his girlfriend? Or does that go against the supposed always completely devoted loyalty of an INFJ? Why has he given me so many mixed signals when he was never planning on making a clear move? Should I just never message him again and move on? Sorry, this post is incredibly lengthy but I have a lot of feelings and have been bottling this up for the past year so I hope you'll understand haha.
 

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It doesn’t really matter until or unless he is actually free....right? I would definitely forget about it, put him in the “friend zone only” box in your mind. If he is unhappy in his current relationship then there is nothing for you to do but carry on knowing it is not your affair but is entirely his affair. In other words, don’t waste another ENFP second on this. Move on to things and people and goals that you can affect. Work on your goals, you’ll find what’s right for you through them.
 

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As an ENFJ a.k.a literally everybody personal therapist, the best way to solve this issue mostly is from confronting and ask direct question. Yes you can ask INFJs and so forth but at the end, only the person knows the answer. Rejection or anything is much better than just bottling up and get confused. I know this can very uncomfortable and unconventional but unfortunately, its often the best solution to most relationship issue. Confronting.
 

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I know what I said sounds harsh. There should be a ENFP, how to get over an INFJ thread (and there probably is somewhere). You can confront like @Zaitzev said. Of course, you’re really not wondering if he likes you. You’re probably more wondering what would happen if he knew you liked him. Would the strength of his liking you mean he would think about it, break up with his girlfriend, date you... It’s always worth a shot to not feel regret, and if your friendship is good enough then sometimes it can even survive such confessions even if he decides to stay in his current relationship. If you’re like me, the more this gets laid on the table, the uglier it looks— but there could definitely be a way to tell him if you want to.
But if you’re back to “How do I move on? “ then if I were your good friend or sister I’d be on your doorstep with some Ben and Jerry’s saying it’s time to binge watch the show “Crazy Ex Girlfriend”. Which I think is a really therapeutic and funny show for us ENFPs. My INFP husband likes it too. Rachel Bloom put all of her tragic love obsessions into musical comedy for us. Here’s a taste. (Hopefully it makes you laugh.)

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Bl30RJPDUv8

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=H1DCoGCVUxY

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wmbLB4OIuao
 
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I had the same predicament as you a couple of years ago. We would show signs of affection everytime we worked together, but she had a boyfriend that she introduced to me at one of the shifts so I kind of detached from creating any emotional codependency. But if she didn't have a boyfriend? Oh boy, what we'd do together. I moved abroad after that and she told me she's taking a vacation to the country I'm studying in now, so I told her to contact me when she'd come. My phone experienced some problems before moving, so I took my old one with me and sent it to get fixed, when I got back for a two week vacation I saw that she messaged me, and so, opportunity lost. But who knows what might have happened, most of the times the ideal situation that we play in our mind never plays out either way.

If you really want to try and win him over then just ask, like Zaitzev said. But I'm sure you'll find the one in due time.

Honestly, we would've been a perfect fit, she studied psychology and I know for certain she's a very playful INFJ. And this song from Tame Impala portrays this feeling so well!

 

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Discussion Starter #7
Very true, Zaitzev, thank you! The only issue I'm terrified of confronting but I suppose that's just an issue I'll have to look past if I ever want anything to happen. I think my mind has just been so muddled by this situation though that I don't even know what I want now and whether I'm just obsessed with this idea of what could be rather than interested in him. But thank you very much for the advice.
 

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Thank you very much as well, Llyralen!! Haha I love the show crazy ex-girlfriend! I definitely do think it's a perfect go-to for comfort in these situations. Yes, I'm very on the fence about whether to make a move or not, especially due to recent developments but I think I'm leaning towards moving on and focusing more on my own development and yes, digging into a tub of ice cream and binge watching my favourite shows! haha

Also thank you Fru2! I love that song, definitely sums up the situation very well. Sorry you had to go through the same thing, it's very difficult right! The whole issue of not knowing is so frustrating and somehow knowing that you both know there's something between you but you can never verbally saying it is so enticing and crazy-making at the same time. Hope you've found happiness since then and it hasn't bogged you down!
 

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Hi Zeri! Yeah, the whole situation is just a bit of a mindfuck at this point, and maybe that sign alone tells me I need to walk away. And no, I don't know how happy he is in his relationship - a huge issue in my mind is not knowing because I really have no basis upon which to know whether I think they're right for each other, whether he's thinking of straying, unhappy, etc. For all I know they could be completely unhappy or the happiest couple in the world - I haven't gotten a chance to ask much about it because I didn't want to seem intrusive and/or inappropriate. Furthermore, he said he would let me know his schedule to go out for lunch again at work... so I waited for a message about what his schedule was and it never came. That was about three weeks ago. But then, online on social media he commented on one of my photos.... I don't understand his mixed message behaviour, it's really frustrating and honestly angering me at this point, but maybe it's just because he really does just see me as a friend and those things wouldn't be a big deal to do to a friend?! I still think never messaging me about a further lunch was kind of rude. And then I keep obsessing over whether I did something wrong, like maybe if I was supposed to prompt him again about what his schedule was, but I'm pretty sure that makes no sense. Ugh, I'm starting to think these qualities are things I don't even like anyway. Hope you enjoyed me oversharing about the confusion that is my mind! haha
 

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Thank you very much as well, Llyralen!! Haha I love the show crazy ex-girlfriend! I definitely do think it's a perfect go-to for comfort in these situations. Yes, I'm very on the fence about whether to make a move or not, especially due to recent developments but I think I'm leaning towards moving on and focusing more on my own development and yes, digging into a tub of ice cream and binge watching my favourite shows! haha

Also thank you Fru2! I love that song, definitely sums up the situation very well. Sorry you had to go through the same thing, it's very difficult right! The whole issue of not knowing is so frustrating and somehow knowing that you both know there's something between you but you can never verbally saying it is so enticing and crazy-making at the same time. Hope you've found happiness since then and it hasn't bogged you down!
That's cool that we both love Crazy Ex Girlfriend. I love INFJs, I love the deep kind of talk and exploration that really only happens with them. There's something different each type and more importantly each person can give to us, the authenticity of the relationship with INTJs, the near-psychic understanding and humor we get with INFPs. I feel like in my heart s a blessing specifically for you, darling, that you will someday find the person that answers what your heart searches for and that he will also be what you need, not only what you want. Much love to you as your fellow and similar-hearted ENFP who also loves Crazy Ex Girlfriend... oh my gosh, how we would laugh... and thats my cue to go watch Arrested Development... That did feel like a real blessing going out to you, btw. :heart:
 
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