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I want a platonic relationship with a good INTP friend. I am battling strong romantic and sexual desires for him that need to be extinguished.

So how do I distance myself emotionally from an INTP without breaking his trust?
Should I keep quiet or is honesty the best policy when dealing with romantic fantasies with an INTP?

Why? Because I am married and believe that even when it's difficult you should keep your social contracts. Plus, I still love my husband.

To keep these feelings at bay I have talked to my ENTP husband about them. He is wonderful and has expressed that I do what's good for our relationship but ultimately what's good for me. He doesn't want me to end my friendship but I need to reign in these feelings if our relationship is going to work. We've decided against an open relationship.

Plus, my INTP friend has decided to start online dating. It's exhausting him - he needs support. To throw another emotional upheaval at him would be cruel. He needs to focus on himself. I need to regulate my own feelings.

I am not jealous of him dating - I am relieved. Maybe him being in a romantic relationship will help me stifle these feelings. So I am REALLY encouraging it.

I've tried to distance myself from the INTP but he keeps initiating contact (WAY out of his comfort zone). I have a hard time ignoring him because he provides this intellectual intimacy that is rare for me. He provides ideas and projects that make me SUPER happy. So once he initiates I get all excited and start talking to him non-stop until logic kicks in and I slow down how often I communicate with him. Plus, ignoring him is a type of rejection - he trusts me and allowed me into his inner circle, he tells me his personal life so often that it scares me. It took me over 10 years to get him to this point. He rarely does that with anyone. I want him to keep opening up and trusting people. He is growing and I am worried I would stifle that growth with this information.

So how do I distance myself emotionally without breaking his trust? Ignoring him doesn't work because he keeps initiating conversations (damn it why can't he be a normal INTP and ignore me back!?!) Maybe I have answered my own question. Keep quiet. But I've been doing that for the last two years and it's not working - the feelings are getting stronger. How do I get this relationship back (in my mind) to a platonic level. Suggestions would be helpful.
 

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I wish you'd posted this in the ENFP forum because you would get more conversation... but the others will start to reply probably if I bump this thread up. This would be serious stuff for me. I can imagine joining the forum for this.
You have to focus on your husband--- oh, gosh, I can see me talking to my husband and him not really seeing it as a threat (because he trusts my morals of course) so hubby wouldn't step up and like date me more or something. If you turn your attention to your husband and what you've got with him, that's what you've got to do. Turn your attention....find a gift for your husband if possible... ask him to take you to a play or concert or something that you love. Tell him you want a surprise date? I hope that would work, if not ignore it. Just continue loving him! I know I'd be telling my husband that I would need more romantic stuff--- don't worry too much if he doesn't "get it"--- just love on. Love on. Initiate sex with him, get some new lingerie if that's fun. Compliment him on whatever awesome husband thing he does. Draw a picture of your husband, maybe, to show him? Get all dressed up for him? Go on vacation and tell EVERYONE that you are off limits for that vacation. Start thinking of all the amazing things he does, wonderful logic and Ne-Ne minds at work.... ugg, my stomach hurts for you while I'm writing this. It is SO tough and our sweet husbands do NOT understand that magic to an ENFP woman of being pursued and needed... how could they? He needs you desperately, and you know it, keep that in mind. Just he is probably so happy in the world of knowing you are wonderful.....
PM me if you need to. I hope the other ENFPs see this.
 

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*subtly relishing the idea of ending up in a relationship in which I can be so honest on such difficult topics*

The first commentor had it right. It seems to me that instead of focusing on managing the emotions you have toward the INTP, you should focus on re-igniting some emotions toward your husband. Maybe revisit some of the old things you used to do together. This would exercise your Si in a really healthy way, and some solid nostalgia could spark some of the inense emotions you would have felt in the honeymoon stage. I think shared nostalgia would be a REALLY great tool for reconnecting.

And then re-visiting what the first commentor said, you can do some activities that you have never done before but have always wanted to do, or recently have thought up. Go on an adventure that ignites both of your Nes and experience something new together. You could make a project out of it, or even a challenge. As a couple, you could challenge each other to come up with a new type of foreign food to try every week for a month or two, or something similar to that. Or! Something that might be fun, that I just thought up. Everyday for maybe a week, you could both write a journal entry, but have the journal entry be a narration of what the other person did/thought during the day! Write a journal entry from the other's eyes. That sounds like something that could be both really goofy, and enlightening.

Idk, maybe those are all meh ideas, but I'm sure you would have no problem coming up with some alternatives =)

Either way, I think the best way out of this, is to focus on your relationship with your husband, and try to re-ignite the fascination you had in him when you were first dating/married. I hope this helps!

Sent from my ONE A2005 using Tapatalk
 

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As much as you obviously care about the feelings/mental state of the INTP in question, you're going to have to do what it takes to preserve you relationship with your husband. He comes first, just as he hopefully puts you first. Nothing comes between you, not even friends or other family members (even your kids). That is supposed to be part of the purpose of a marriage. You have someone who always has your back no matter what who won't desert you.

It's quite possible that you will need to deal with this head-on and explain to the INTP that you're developing feelings for him and that you will need to put some distance between the two of you. Include your husband while planning this conversation. Explain to the INTP in no uncertain terms that it's not anything he's done, it's simply that you need to get these ideas and feelings under control. This will probably drive a bit of an emotional wedge between you, but that's okay because that's what needs to happen. That kind of intimacy simply cannot continue to exist right now if you're wanting to get rid of these feelings and thoughts.

As for worrying about the INTP's emotional state... you're making the age-old ENFP mistake of thinking someone will never be able to move on in life without you being there to help them along. We love to be needed, and we tend to think that the world might stop revolving if we aren't there to encourage it and tell it to keep going, but trust me, it will. If this puts the INTP's guard up again (and it probably will), so be it. He doesn't need to be leaning on your for support for every difficult/emotional hump he runs into, and you don't need to fawn over him trying to be there for him.

Honestly, I'm slightly concerned (not certain, but concerned) that you and the INTP might have a codependent friendship. And as someone who has been in one of those fiascoes, I have some learned experience to impart:
- They don't need you as badly as either of you think they do.
- Both of your lives will go on regardless of whether the other is in it.
- Physical and emotional distance is actually extremely healthy for both of you, even if it feels a little painful, or even cruel on your part. Codependency is not healthy.
- Codependency seriously inhibits personal growth for both people involved.
- Codependency damages your relationships with other people (including but not limited to your husband) as the other person becomes more and more your priority.

Go over a checklist of commonly-known codependent behaviors and see if they ring a bell in your head for either you or the INTP's behaviors.

Remember: Cheating almost always starts with a misplaced emotional connection with someone who isn't your spouse and who technically has no right to that kind of intimacy with you. Remember that, and guard your heart and your relationship with your husband with vigilance. Marriage is not always easy - sometimes you have to sacrifice for it, but that's usually the case with precious things.

Also, everything @Alesha said.
 

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Thanks so much for sharing your situation. That's wonderful that you have a close friend that you have an emotional connection with. I don't think it's a problem to try to keep the close emotional connection as long as you eliminate the romantic desires. I've known about of lots of close emotional connections with the opposite gender without anyone developing romantic feelings. Your friend is actually helping your marriage by taking some of the load off of your husband. I think it might be impossible to find a husband that can be everything.

Like Alesha said, it would be good to work on your romantic relationship with your husband more. You could be projecting your desire for romance onto your friend. You can categorize your relationships by assigning each person a role or job in your life. Your husband is in charge of the romance, and your friend is in charge of witty intellectualisms. If you try to get your friend to do the romance, it would probably kill the friendship and then you would lose the friend. Also, if you try to get your husband to do the INTP theoretical discussion thing, he might be subjected to more strain than necessary. Assigning job titles to each person can also allow you to more easily manage and evaluate your relationship with them.

Anyways, that's my ENTJ perspective. Of course, we are known to ignore our feelings, because we think that they are inaccurate or not valid.
 

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Don't panic. All emotions are temporary. Whatever you feel for the INTP, you don't have to act on it. Even just acknowledging your emotions helps them dissipate. Just be patient with yourself, it will pass.
 
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