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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My two older sisters are ISTJ. They grew up as best friends, while I always felt like "little sister" who needed to be told what to do. As we've gotten older, we've tried to mend this gap that seems to be between us, but it's just not happening.

My feelings have been hurt so many times, I don't trust them with my feelings any more--but my sisters are hurt when I am good friends with girls outside my family. We don't enjoy the same activities or music or anything--but they are hurt when I chose to spend time with people I actually get along with.

They enjoy sports. I don't. They are self-motivated and organized. I'm not. We don't fight the same battles or enjoy the same moments.

Has anyone lived with ISTJs before? Can someone give me practical advice on how to relate to them and talk to them and how we might enjoy time together? I love them, really, and they love me. But it's a rocky relationship.
 

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You're an ENFP, you want to get along with everyone. You've been hurt and you don't trust them with your feelings. As an INTJ, I can't respect people like that no matter who they are.

INTJs and ISTJs are pretty similar and I know a couple of ENFPs.

I see a problem with your views. Why waste your time and energy trying to mend yourself closer to people who hurt you? Why would you care if they are hurt when you get close to other girls? Sure they're your sisters but perhaps it's for the best that there's a gap.

I don't have enough information to know what the best possible course of action would be but I can say that from the information provided, I see a flaw in the goal here.
 

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My two older sisters are ISTJ. They grew up as best friends, while I always felt like "little sister" who needed to be told what to do. As we've gotten older, we've tried to mend this gap that seems to be between us, but it's just not happening.

My feelings have been hurt so many times, I don't trust them with my feelings any more--but my sisters are hurt when I am good friends with girls outside my family. We don't enjoy the same activities or music or anything--but they are hurt when I chose to spend time with people I actually get along with.

They enjoy sports. I don't. They are self-motivated and organized. I'm not. We don't fight the same battles or enjoy the same moments.

Has anyone lived with ISTJs before? Can someone give me practical advice on how to relate to them and talk to them and how we might enjoy time together? I love them, really, and they love me. But it's a rocky relationship.
Been living with an SJ family my whole life, which includes sister, mother and father.

It's not easy. They don't think like we do at all. They are in fact the complete opposite. I know from experience that it's very frustrating to live in an environment that's not in harmony. So many misunderstandings and differences.

I feel the only way to relate to them is to just talk about everyday stuff, and ask them about advice regarding money, time saving, practical solutions. They can be great help if you have trouble with practical tasks, and they love to help. I've never seen my parents exited over anything, they just sort of there.

In general, I don't think you will enjoy time together unless compromises are made. What you could do is try to find a similar interest. Do they like music? Go to a concert together!

I've just found out that it's not working and I have decided to move out. I think I can be a bit too "much" for them and we can't seem to "click". When we do, it's because I make compromises, which is not healthy over a longer period of time. I hope that when I move out, we will see each other more seldom, and I think our relationship will be healthier then! :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
You're an ENFP, you want to get along with everyone. You've been hurt and you don't trust them with your feelings. As an INTJ, I can't respect people like that no matter who they are.

INTJs and ISTJs are pretty similar and I know a couple of ENFPs.

I see a problem with your views. Why waste your time and energy trying to mend yourself closer to people who hurt you? Why would you care if they are hurt when you get close to other girls? Sure they're your sisters but perhaps it's for the best that there's a gap.

I don't have enough information to know what the best possible course of action would be but I can say that from the information provided, I see a flaw in the goal here.

I've been tempted to give up many times, but I don't think that would be the right or wise thing to do. In life, you can't pick and choose who you are with in life, and you have to learn to deal with difficult people eventually, right? Also, if you are always with people who are like you, that isn't wise either, or you'll never been challenged or changed. I want to learn from them. Getting along with them would be a good start. ;P

But mainly, I do love them, and I know they love me. We're sisters. I just wouldn't feel right if I gave up. I've tried, but I can't. I mean....we're sisters.

To be clear, I never have given up other relationships for them, and that's not what they would want me to do either. But I would like to focus a little more of my time and be more intentional and getting to be friends with my sisters.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I have noticed that after I've been gone awhile, or they've been gone awhile, we get along better. :p Also, we do, sometimes, enjoy board games together. Sometimes. I think I might try to exploit that and see how much time we can spend doing that before we try to kill each other.

Thanks for your answer!
 

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The fact that you feel like you can't blend in but still stay in, shows that you and them are true sisters already.

Don't try to define how "sisters" should be. Try to accept that the interaction you have now IS what it means to be sisters with yours. Then you may see a whole new picture from that.

Simple but difficult. All best of luck. :)
 

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ENFP here. I've lived with an ISTJ family member my entire life, and yeah, it's been rocky. He thinks the exact opposite way I do. The most important thing for you to realize is that they do care deeply for you. It's just that with them, everything is order and a process. Let me guess. They see life as "you're a baby, you go to elementary school, then middle school, then high school, then college, then work, then get married, then have kids, then work some more, then retire, then die," while you see life as "you go to school, then you grow up, then you stand at a crossroad of infinite pathways and choose your destiny, and your life can be as small as a housewife or as big as the owner of the world as long as you believe," right? Thing is, since they're XSXX's, that means that they only live within the mental box they place around their world, while we shoot for the stars and beyond. They have this box because they simply can't function without it. And they just see you as someone trying to escape that box; everything outside of it that you bring up will just go right over their heads. They won't even be able to hear it.

We're also idealists; we will always strive to create that relationship with them because that's how it should be, right? Well, here's the only thing you can do. Because you're a meteor shower crashing through their box, you're going to have to be the one to change things. And they won't like it. You might say it's the only way to enjoy spending time together, but that doesn't fit their programming, so they won't view it like you do. So you have to spin it as you're doing it because that's how your box is (you have to kind of lie in order to speak their language). So in your world, you see that life is just as ever-changing as it is ordered. You have to expand their box. But, unfortunately, their box is only going to get big to a certain amount. Try asking why they tell you how to live your life. They'll probably say something like, "because that's how it should be." Then say, "elaborate the directive." Literally. Say that to their face. If they open up, they should say something like it's because we're supposed to mature into better people. Tell them that how they feel about that is how you feel about your relationship with them as a family. And if they want to mature into better people, they need to have a good relationship with their sister, and continuously work to improve it. If they resist, tell them to "prove the assumption wrong." They might short circuit at this point, telling you what they "wanted" to happen while you tell them what you want to "move on from."

Finally, after you're able to get them to be on the same page, like Wiz said, pretty much the only thing you can do is to go do things with them. I've gone out to do things with my family member like go to sports games, watch a show with them, whatever. Remember, it's a process to them. It slowly compounds into a norm. You'll need to go through this process with them again and show them that if you do something they like doing, they need to do something you like doing because that's how normal people do it and that's how life is designed to be. But no matter what, remember that they love you and care about you more than anything in the world.

It's tough. It's not likely they'll ever be completely different, but you can only take what you can get. My heart goes out to you. Good luck :)
 

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I find ENFP and ISTJ to be like oil and water.
 
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I live with an ISFJ and ISTJ. Ne vs Si can be though when the Si dom expect you to have dinner at the same time everyday and be awake during daytime
 

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I feel for you. My whole family is sensors.
We think opposite , they think i am stupid etc but i also know they care in their own way.
-Ob.
 

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I (ENFP) will be living romantically with an ISTJ 4 years this September. Best co-habitant (platonic/not platonic) I've ever had. But we are mature (old) and have lived with others. By far, this is the easiest living situation I've ever had. First 6 months were the roughest as were still in the midsts of trying to figure each other out.

More importantly- don't put someone in a box. MBTI is a nice arm-chair psychology to categorize us all, but the reality is that every personality trait is on a spectrum. This means no individual is far from you. For instance, we all fall somewhere on a continuum on the introvert/ extrovert dimension. We all fall somewhere on a common scale in which we perceive the world. We are way more alike than are different. Ideally, that paradigm should lead to a lot more connectedness than separation.

We all are feelers, thinkers, judges, percievers, intuitives, and sensors but SITUATIONS cause us to alter our behavior/cognition in different circumstances.

Why am I saying all this?
You understanding your sisters isnt more of a struggle than you dealing with any other person outside of yourself. There is plenty of research between couples of all types to support what I'm saying.

However, as humans we do often have "gang mentality" and you will often get support for putting people in other camps, marginalizing them, while supporting your own. Please ENFPs- let's avoid this as it is damaging. In addition, we are most known for being tolerant and open to all thoughts/ideas/ people and that model would hopefully continue when it comes to solving large chasms between people.
 
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