ENFP here. I've lived with an ISTJ family member my entire life, and yeah, it's been rocky. He thinks the
exact opposite way I do. The most important thing for you to realize is that they do care deeply for you. It's just that with them, everything is order and a process. Let me guess. They see life as "you're a baby, you go to elementary school, then middle school, then high school, then college, then work, then get married, then have kids, then work some more, then retire, then die," while you see life as "you go to school, then you grow up, then you stand at a crossroad of infinite pathways and choose your destiny, and your life can be as small as a housewife or as big as the owner of the world as long as you believe," right? Thing is, since they're XSXX's, that means that they only live within the mental box they place around their world, while we shoot for the stars and beyond. They have this box because they simply can't function without it. And they just see you as someone trying to escape that box; everything outside of it that you bring up will just go right over their heads. They won't even be able to hear it.
We're also idealists; we will always strive to create that relationship with them because that's how it
should be, right? Well, here's the only thing you can do. Because you're a meteor shower crashing through their box,
you're going to have to be the one to change things. And they won't like it. You might say it's the only way to enjoy spending time together, but that doesn't fit their programming, so they won't view it like you do. So you have to spin it as you're doing it because that's how
your box is (you have to kind of lie in order to speak their language). So in your world, you see that life is just as ever-changing as it is ordered. You have to expand their box. But, unfortunately, their box is only going to get big to a certain amount. Try asking why they tell you how to live your life. They'll probably say something like, "because that's how it should be." Then say, "elaborate the directive." Literally. Say that to their face. If they open up, they should say something like it's because we're supposed to mature into better people. Tell them that how they feel about
that is how
you feel about your relationship with them as a family. And if
they want to mature into better people, they need to have a good relationship with their sister, and continuously work to improve it. If they resist, tell them to "prove the assumption wrong." They might short circuit at this point, telling you what they "wanted" to happen while you tell them what you want to "move on from."
Finally, after you're able to get them to be on the same page, like Wiz said, pretty much the only thing you can do is to go do things with them. I've gone out to do things with my family member like go to sports games, watch a show with them, whatever. Remember, it's a process to them. It slowly compounds into a norm. You'll need to go through this process with them again and show them that if you do something they like doing, they need to do something you like doing because that's how normal people do it and that's how life is designed to be. But no matter what, remember that they love you and care about you more than anything in the world.
It's tough. It's not likely they'll ever be completely different, but you can only take what you can get. My heart goes out to you. Good luck
