ENFP: Recoil or hibernation?

ouch, sounds difficult. I wouldn't have tolerated someone being so difficult (as she seems to be), at least not so early in a relationship.. But everybody is different and so are all relationships.

If you love her and really want to have a relationship with her you should confront her and talk to her face to face (not texts). As I've said to another INFJ on this forum (she has a relationship with an ENFP man!): set some demands! Don't let the difficult ENFPs be difficult - if you get my point? Set some demands for the relationship! My ISTJ boyfriend said to me in the past that he doesn't like drama so if I was a drama queen he wouldn't tolerate that for much time. So I stopped being a drama queen. I have improved a lot thanks to him.

We ENFPs are very adaptable, don't think that she can't adapt, because she probably can. Also, if people expect little of us, we will do little and will not believe we are able to do big things. If people expect a lot of us and have high standards we will live up to those standards!

Talk to her! :wink:

Hmmm, like Polyglot, I'm not sure I'd have tolerated this much drama especially so early in a relationship but different strokes for different folks.

Her "this is the time when everyone steps out" seems to indicate that she generally feels unsupported and alone when the going gets rough. So, I'd suggest that you just keep on being your steadfast, supportive self. Send her one text or leave one voicemail or send her one email each day, saying things like, "I can only imagine how stressful this must be for you. I don't want to push but I'm here to listen any time - day or night - when you want to talk," or "I don't want to overstep but if there's absolutely anything I can do to help, anything, please let me know." She might feel overwhelmed and therefore not want to talk right now, but I've always found that constant, loving, supportive messages mean the world to me when I've pulled back from the world and am trying to regroup.

Try to not say things like, "I'm worried about you - why haven't you called?" Because that, while probably true, is about you and your needs and will probably make her feel guilty. If you truly want to help her and be there for her, just keep on being supportive and letting her know that you're there for her always and ready to help WHEN (and only when) she reaches out and indicates that she wants your help.

Sage said:

She had a bit of a freak out about two weeks ago after I drove her to the doctor for a medical procedure. Her mom has bipolar and did a complete 180 when she already agreed to watch her kids while the medication wore off. I heard the fight on the phone. In addition to that, her ex planted doubts in her mind making her think she was a needy person, even though I don't think that in the slightest of her! After the phone call she was crying and she told me I should run because "this is the time when everyone steps out". I was able to calm her down and reassure her she hasn't scared me away. I told her not to assume my thoughts about her or her relationships. I said if we like each other, which we do, we should keep going. So all is well, right?

But now, in the silence, I'm having doubts about what she's thinking. I don't want to be clingy but I do shoot her a couple texts a day on random thoughts or happenings, even if she doesn't respond. Now, I know from experience, all my xNFP's have a habit of secluding themselve for certain periods of time.

Am I panicking for no reason?

ENFP's: Your thoughts?

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My thoughts....first of all, sounds like she may have a tendency to shut down when all hell breaks loose and that she draws inward to process and make sense of everything. Also, she may do this to stabilize her environment so to speak.

I would recommend a text per day or even every other day. This will let her know that you respect her need for privacy and space, but at the same time you are present and there for her. I believe sending a text to let her know that you either respect and/or understand if she is not in the mood and/or position for communication but that you are thinking about her and concerned about her well being and you hope to hear from her soon would be a good added touch. Then wait a day or two, let her know you didn't want anything but was thinking about her and hope all is well.

Then wait again, and let her know if she needs anything you are there for her. Then wait again, and tell her you just checking in on her. Again, this will show her that you are willing to understand her while supporting her at the same time. Now, she may respond somewhere in between all of this. But, you don't want to come across to *her* as being insensitive to her situation.

I don't think you can make any determinations about her interest level until she comes out on the other side of all the events that have sent her into a total tailspin. I can only imagine that right now all her energy is being channeled into how to survive and resolve this situation.

If you really care for her and are vested in seeing what the possibilities are for the two of you, then I recommend packing a bag of patience and support and give her a chance to work through the difficult time she is facing right now.

I hope this helps....

I had a big secluding period for around 1 entire year after a bad break-up. I think we can get pretty crazy if suddenly someone doesn't want/need us anymore or we fight with someone close to us, thanks to our constant need to be liked and have good relations. If you really love her, stick by her and she will come back to you Stay positive!

This sounds very typical ENFP hibernation behavior. On top of the stressful events of the day, you witnessed what could have been a fairly private part of her life. Just make sure that you let her know you're there if she needs you. In time she'll make sense of things and come out of hiding.

She may be hoping for you to reach out.. but if I'm reading the situation correctly, she'll likely do that on her own in awhile.

Hm because I don't know either of you personally I can't give accurate advice so please take everything I say with a grain of salt. Now as far as 'hibernation' goes, for me personally, I do it with one of two intentions.

1. I go into 'hiding', meaning I detach and seclude myself, because I have just been in a heck and upsetting situation and I need to 'gather' myself so to speak. It's my extreme way of making 'me time'. In this type of seclusion I don't really want to talk to anyone or be around anyone, unless I make exceptions. I am either angry/upset/hurt/emotional and therefor I have taken this time to collect myself. When I am emotional I have a harder time thinking straight and there is a chance that I might say something I will regret to someone, even if they are trying to help me and I know they are trying to help me. So this is why I wouldn't want to talk to anyone. I just want to collect myself, asses the situation, and respond when I am calm and clear thinking.

2. The second 'hibernation' I go into is my 'dramatic' one. It is the one where I am upset and hurt but I want someone to comfort me. I want some to seek me when I am hiding. It might be because I am lonely and upset yet I don't want to tell someone yet I wish they would comfort me. I know this is stupid and although I do this one rarely I still do it. And when I say I want someone to comfort me it doesn't mean strictly physically. I just want to know that someone cares about me when I am in a dark time. That there is someone who is willing to chase after me even when I can not speak up ask them to. That there is someone who supports me when I am having a rough time.

Now for me these are two different types of hibernation so there are two different ways an outsider can deal with it:

There first type is where I WANT to be secluded, I actively choose it because I want to collect myself. I don't really want to talk to people during this time, they might unintentionally make it worse and fuel my racing emotions. If this is the case then I would rather have them temporarily leave me alone. I will reach out to someone when I am ready. I know this is hard for others and not fair but it is the way I operate. So unless I reach out to them I would suggest waiting it out, an occasional text to see how I am doing once in a while is okay.

The second type is when I go into seclusion because I am confused and sad and I feel alone. My world is shaken and I don't know who to turn to or what to do. I may want comfort and support but I might not be sure how to ask for it. In this case having my friends, SO, or family members reach out to me and assure me that they are there for me and they are willing to listen and do what they can to help is what I might need. A text or call saying "Hey, I know you might be having a rough time but I just want to let you know that I am here for you whenever you need me. If you want someone to talk to I am here. If you want someone to listen I am here. If you feel alone, don't worry I am here and you always know how to contact me. I am here for you and I will be waiting if you need me," would probably bring me out of my shell and let me know that I have someone there for me.

These are just my personal situation and they may or may not be relevant to yours. If you do think your ENFP falls under one of these I have given examples of how I handle them and what would help me. Right now my best suggestion to you would be sending her a text saying that you are there for her and if she needs time to herself then you are willing to wait. Depending on how see responds to the text should be a clue onto which seclusion she might be under, if the seclusion she is in is anything like mine.

I hope things work out for you! Just remember to be a little bit patient and I am sure things will work out for the best

(Dang, I didn't notice how long this thing was:crazy:!)

All's well that ends well? )

On Friday she unloaded everything she's been holding inside - all the fear and uncertainty of what could be between us. I have no more doubts about the level in which she cares for me but I'm still maintaining a bit of an emotional distance from her because I'm trying to be rational about my expectations (or lack thereof, haha) in our still undefined relationship. We had a lengthy discussion about truth and love. There were tears shed and a new level of understanding about the complications in both our lives. I'm glad we were able to hash some things out.

I just wanted to let you guys know that we're still doing ok and I adore my ENFP. <3

You know, at first I really thought ENFPs were just generally like this: a bit flighty, flakey, not quite as responsible with relationships as they probably ought to be - but I've been seeing so many INFJs having the same problems with ENFPs lately that I'm starting to think it's an INFJ/ENFP issue instead.

I'm not defending her, and a lot of what you said does sound needlessly dramatic and a bit insensitive of her, but I do know from personal experience that INFJs can be scary as hell sometimes in relationships, and I've said and done some of the things you mention in your original post because of this. It's not that I mean to be unpredictable and insensitive, it's just that I get so overwhelmed I can't figure out what feels right and what doesn't. INFJs get attached very quickly, and become quite intense about their feelings quite fast. ENFPs, on the other hand, need space, time and take a more relaxed approach at first. It's not that we're not friendly, ready and willing, it's just that with a type that takes such a forceful, decisive approach to relationships...well, I find we tend to get skittish around them.

I've talked about this in another post. There's an INFJ who really likes me. Really really really. And at first it was great, he's a really nice guy, he's honest, open and patient...but he started talking about love and commitment wayyyyy too early. I'll admit, I handled it badly, but I felt so overwhelmed so soon that I just high-tailed it out of there. After that, it became a bit of a emotional struggle, and a lot of our interactions recently have consisted of a weird back-and-forth emotional blackmail thing. It's been quite destructive. :S I'm not willing to give him everything he needs yet, and he's not willing to wait for me to be ready, because I think he takes it personally, when it's not personal at all. I just need more time and space to figure things out.

On the other hand, there's an ESTP that I had a relationship with for a while where I was the one doing the chasing. He was just so decisive and spontaneous, and it attracted me like a moth to a flame. Never dull, never boring, never unwilling to try something new or take a risk. I felt like I could really let loose and be myself around him. Thing is, he's the one who didn't want to settle down. Unlike me, however, he wasn't indecisive about it, he just KNEW he didn't want to settle down. I think I could have met him somewhere in the middle - between settling down and always being on the move, but he wasn't willing to make compromises. So I had to let it go.

I'm not sure if it's an INFJ/ENFP issue, or if it's an ENFP issue alone, but from what I've seen lately, I'd wager it has something to do with compatibility.

I'm very aware of my tendency to get wrapped up in a person quickly that's why I'm doing my best to give her the necessary space. I let her contact me in her own time. My ESFP friend reminded me that her perceived lack of interaction is not indicative of my actions. That helps me to not be so damn paranoid when my texts go unanswered. ) I mentioned that to my ENFP and she agreed. And especially after our conversation this past weekend, I think I understand her much better and she knows how much I care about her. I confidently say I like this girl. I don't love her yet and that is a good thing! I've got my feet planted firmly on the ground for now. I think I could love her eventually, but I'm definitely going to let her make that move first.