[Defiantgroundhog]

Been a lurker for awhile ... first post... I know this has been discussed several times. The dynamics between an INFJ and ENFP but I couldn't really find the answer I was looking for.

Hmmm in a hurry this morning so going to make this short.

I've been with an ENFP for about two months now. It's the first relationship I've had with one. It's been the most intense also. That's putting it gently.

He's done a disappearing act on me twice now and he tells me not to take it personally. From what I've read this is part of his personality. I haven't been able to make contact with him for two days now. I'm not sure how to deal with this. I've been sending him sweet texts here and there and just random thoughts. I guess I feel this at least lets him know I'm thinking of him. I wonder though if I should just leave him be. To be honest I don't even know if I can do that.

I know he's going through stuff and needs to sort it out in his head. I know he does this by seclusion. That doesn't mean I understand it or know how to deal with it. My nature is to try and fix it. Help him. I feel like I can't do anything and I think that's what is bothering me the most.

It's going to be different for each individual I know. I still would really like some advice on how to help him or how to "be there for him". If an ENFP could tell me what it is that they personally need when they go into their bubbles, or an INFJ tell me how they've dealt with a similar circumstance it would help a lot.

 

[Resolution]

I used to be with this ENFJ and she'd do the same thing.

She came back of her own accord mostly... at the very least whenever I sent her a message saying I missed her, it didn't make her come back any sooner... in fact it might have caused even further delay

(I dunno... maybe it was awkward, maybe she lost respect for me when I did it). My suggestion... go out and have fun by yourself, hang out with people, go to fun things.

The more I demonstrated my independence with my ENFJ (And correspondingly less dependence), the more she seemed to be drawn to me, maybe you're in a similar position. :mellow:

Or maybe not.

 

[under skies]

If he wants space, you should probably just give him some space.

I know I'm not an ENFP, but I hate it when I'm really upset and other people try to fix my problems right away. When I am really not doing well, I am extremely private about my emotions, and I have to sort them out somehow. It's too draining for me to open up to someone when I'm already so strung out.

You might try talking to him about it when he comes back around, maybe.

 

[HorribleAesthete]

I possess a similar trait as your ENFP, but often lack the will to overcome my aversion to conflict to allow me to assert my needs. Thus I often need this withdrawal, but cannot bring myself to express it, and so deny myself out of a preference for harmony and a fear of opening up.

I have also dated an ENFJ. She was fiercely independent, and like Btmangan's ENFJ would definitely lose respect for someone who pursued her too much. She did her own thing, and asked no one's permission. At the same time, she hid nothing and never made excuses. She was the ultimate free spirit, and I admire that.

I am not sure if ENFPs are like this. I do know that you should not try to help him. He does not need help. And it is definitely not personal.I think the only thing you can realistically do, as difficult as it may be, is to let him do his thing. You cannot change him. The main thing to consider is how you feel about it, and whether it is something that you are comfortable with.

 

[ForsakenMe]

Regardless of personality type, the sad reality is, is that the saying is true, "If he/she isn't always calling you... He/she is not that into you."

When someone likes you, they will reach out to you. They will talk to you. They will want to spend time with you and enjoy the time spent together with you. They don't ignore you, or pull "disappearing acts", or make excuses to not meet up with you. I know that sometimes, people get busy, or people get down and out and want to be left alone... But if this is a continuous thing, I would rethink things between the two of you and ask if he's worth all the pain and trouble right now.

 

[vel]

erm... so how about like ... doing your own thing for 2 days?

i think you are smothering him a bit too much

I know I'm not an ENFP, but I hate it when I'm really upset and other people try to fix my problems right away. When I am really not doing well, I am extremely private about my emotions, and I have to sort them out somehow. It's too draining for me to open up to someone when I'm already so strung out.

this is what i posted about in ENFP forums a few days ago is how would ENFPs like others to respond to their venting and complaining about negative emotions
they actually DO NOT want people trying to use cold-hearted rational reasoning to solve their problems but sympathy resonates with them very well

they respond best to expressions of Te, something we INFJs lack, basically reminding them what would be logical thing to do by outside consensus of logical things - we INFJs only have Ti and they don't respond to Ti so well (tested irl)

 

[Parttime muse]

Regardless of personality type, the sad reality is, is that the saying is true, "If he/she isn't always calling you... He/she is not that into you."

When someone likes you, they will reach out to you. They will talk to you. They will want to spend time with you and enjoy the time spent together with you. They don't ignore you, or pull "disappearing acts", or make excuses to not meet up with you. I know that sometimes, people get busy, or people get down and out and want to be left alone... But if this is a continuous thing, I would rethink things between the two of you and ask if he's worth all the pain and trouble right now.

I agree with this post. If he don't like you, move on. You can't fix his problem because he needs to go through the valley of the shadow by himself to find himself. I had that happen to me before, though the scenario is different from yours. A romantic relationship won't fix the problem, and he's probably not looking for one and he needs to figure his dilemma out for himself. Hands off the situation.

Why chase after someone that's fickle?

 

[nikkii]

I have a ENFP friend (sorry Lila if you see this, kidding)

It seems when she has a lot on her mind in a situation she will leave and go do something, doesn't want any help. kinda like running away from problems temporary? when I want to fix the situation It doesn't always happen because as much as They seem whimsical they are mature enough to fix their problems in their own way like we INFJ's do.

When your ENFP comes back talk to them about this problem and how it make's you feel.

 

[Karot]

Why don't you trust him ?

 

[kerrime]

I experienced something like that with my ENFP.
. . . and texting him a lot when he was not responding to me. . . didn't do any good.

ENFP's like independence. They like being able to do things that they want to do without having someone to telling them to do otherwise like. . . giving up what they are doing to talk to a person who reaaaaally wants to talk to them.

anyway. . I suggest just waiting this absence of his out.
I'm guessing you text him several times a day?

If you do. . . try not texting him for one or two days.

. . . see how he responds to that. .

sorry if my suggestions don't help you. I'm trying to figure out how to . . work things out with my ENFP right now as well. Seems space and keeping the conversations full of positive feelings helps a little

 

[Defiantgroundhog]

Thanks everybody.. a lot of what you said is what I was thinking as well. I guess I'm just being selfish about the whole thing.

As far as him not being into me... he gets upset about me being insecure in our relationship and he doesn't feel he should have to reassure me all the time... that's how he puts it anyway.

In fact we kinda broke up last time this happened because I assumed that's what he had done. Disappear and I figure well you don't want to be with me. He tried to just tell me that this is what he does... I tried to tell him that I have no problem letting him be.. just a short text here and there to let me know he's alive helps A LOT.

He is going through a lot right now. More then most should. I just have a hard time understanding because for the most part I reach out when I'm having issues whereas he is doing the total opposite.

But ya as far as the selfish thing.. I want to be there for him I want to help and he won't let me.. to be honest though there must not be anything I can really do. It might just have to be stuff he has to figure out on his own by himself.

I haven't texted at all today and I won't either... I'm afraid he'll think that I don't care is why I keep doing it. I've been doing a morning afternoon and goodnight text.. which ya I'll stop:blushed:

 

[Defiantgroundhog]

It's strange... he's just so complicated. He wants me to be dependent and doesn't all at the same time. I guess whatever mood he's in.. Hmmmm yeah and we're both bipolar to boot so.. lol I'm sure that's just fuel on the fire.

If I wasn't so head over heals for this guy I wouldn't be putting myself through all this stress.

sorry this was supposed to be directed at Bt

 

[under skies]

It really just sounds like an Fe vs. Fi misunderstanding. It seems to me as if everything is okay if he keeps telling you not to be so worried. I'm sure he'll be more open about it all with you when he's ready.

 

[Resolution]

I'd say he wants to be nurtured, but at the same time loses respect for you when you nurture him too willingly. (Sorry :sad

It happens. You need to let him return to you.

It was just like that with my ENFJ. When we first attracted each other... I could see the pain in her eyes. I wanted to help her love herself again... I told her jokes, complimented her, and urged her to fight for her dreams.

She pulled away pretty harshly. The more I reached out to her when she did this, the more she withdrew.

In the end, I broke up with her because it was like we weren't even dating anymore. It was only when I became independent and stopped reaching out that she reached out to me and told me how much she missed me.

But by then I had already started a new relationship. She had an emotional breakdown, became enraged and tried to ruin my reputation. I was astounded that she'd cared so much... because to the end of our relationship, all she'd done is shoo me away.

When her revenge failed (I explained everything frankly to the people she was trying to turn against me), she drank by herself, locked in her house for weeks. Complaining what a "wuss" I was.

ENFJs... not my favorite type after that. In fact... I don't think I'll be able to trust another ENFJ for quite some time. If you want to learn from my mistake... give your man his alone time. Impress him with your independence... And be the same wonderful girl that he was initially attracted to whenever he returns.

 

[Defiantgroundhog]

Sounds a lot like my ENFP relationship Btmangan. Not sure if I like how your story turned out.

He's a severely wounded, tortured soul. Sad to say but that might be part of my attraction. We had been introduced over the phone and talked for like an hour three years ago. Since then he would call every now and then when he needed some comfort. He went as far to tell me three months ago that I was the only one he could think of to call when he was freaking. I was the only one who could calm him. After that call I had a dream that night that he said to me... "I think I might love you". I didn't tell him I had dreamt that but the calls became more frequent. The flirting picked up and well it just blew up within a weeks time. We were both totally infatuated. On the phone or texting all the time. He was understanding me like no one had before and making me feel emotions I hadn't in a long time or ever. Sending me music that would affect me physically... whew .. jeez it was a crazy lovely month.
He's so far away and we don't have the money to meet. I don't know if he ran out of patience or if he pulled something out in me he wasn't prepared to take on. I'm trying not to read into things too much and believe him when he says he just has a lot going on.. which he does... it's so hard to keep optimistic and keep the faith while I wait in the wings. I hate to think things have ended before we got a real chance to get them started.
Sorry for the vent. I know he'll be back... not sure when.. I guess I'll let you know how it goes

 

[vel]

Sorry for the vent. I know he'll be back... not sure when.. I guess I'll let you know how it goes

keep us updated

ENxPs are challenging in this respect. They like keeping things up in the air. This is quite unsettling for an INFJ because we need some sort of closure.

Btw why did he move away from you?

 

[Defiantgroundhog]

He didn't move.. we met because a friend of mine was hanging out at her friends house while we were talking and just handed the phone to him so she could do something. He's always lived 1500miles away.

 

[Tridentus]

if he tells you not to worry: for the love of god don't worry.. trust me that is a very familiar concept for me, as i'm always taking breaks from people or spending time with other people, and i'm shocked when i return to a person, friend or girlfriend, and they feel that somehow this means i don't value them, or they get insulted. that leaves me feeling like a jackass and confused as hell, until i realise what happened.

sometimes there's no straight logic in it.. sometimes i just feel like acting a certain way, for a reason which can only make sense to myself.

 

[Defiantgroundhog]

Thank you Tridentus-

If you don't mind could you explain to me how you don't think is mean. He has to know how much this bothers me. I've told him so, yet he still does it. It seems so selfish.

My very close chic friend, who does this also, told me that he might even be trying so hard to get his life straightened out because of us. That he has so much faith and hope in our relationship it's the only way he can see it really working out. I would like to think that.

 

[Tophat182]

Ugh, I'm in a similar situation except I'm the ENFP wanting space. I don't like being told what to do and I have priorities of things I want to do. How would you want to be told that I want more space?