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So yea, any advice, opinion and experience about any of this would be very appreciate and interesting. I hope you won't just skip this topic because it's too long. I made it structure so it would be easier to get around in answering the questions, but I don't ask you to keep the structure.

A part) I saw a thread by MBTIPC about clingyness and thought about ENFP and relationships. How do you guys deal with relationships? What I know now:


  1. As far as I know ENFPs are very loyal but the person you are going out with shouldn't be the jealous type because you seem like you're flirting with everyone even though you are not, you are just being yourself. You would never even kiss another person if you were in a relationship.
  2. Reading MBTIPC's thread I think you get over relationships pretty well and don't cling on your ex for years and wouldn't want to meet your ex if he came into town after 2 years if you had a new partner already.
  3. However reading his thread also made me think that ENFPs are not really good with relationships when saying that you stay with a partner for a long time. You are just not looking for a relationship because you like new people too much. I may be very wrong about this, so I would like to hear a comment.


B part) Now a set of opinion of what I want from a relationship. Because from observing and chatting online a bit, I like ENFPs a lot. Like really, really lot. But I don't know if they would be fit for a relationship with me. I know every single person is different, but... A type has things in common. That's why there is MBTI, right? So, let's get going!



  1. I like spending time one on one with a person. That is really really intimate and personal in my opinion. If I'm in a group setting where there is at least 2 people, I couldn't be as open and I wouldn't feel the connection I feel otherwise. I like group settings and I love talking in them, people usually listen to me if they are interested in deeper topics, but I cannot feel the connection I feel when I'm one on one with a person. So I would like to spend a lot of time with just me and my girl and I'm not sure if ENFPs are interested in that. Especially if meeting like a few times a week to talk when for example taking a walk or sitting down or something.
  2. I have trouble expressing emotions but I can do that if a person is willing to work with me on that. I express emotions if I feel comfortable with the person and I feel comfortable showing my vulnerability. I may appear very sad or depressed sometimes if I show my vulnerability, but otherwise I am very optimistic and realistic guy. I'm not sure ENFPs would deal with that.
  3. I wouldn't want my SO to flirt with people, I would be really unhappy about my partner flirting with some dude at the bar. I'm ok with her hanging out with men, but just no flirting. But that's probably the ability to curb it. Same like the ability to curb drinking for example. I know an ENFP who drinks a lot and flirts a lot but leaves the men without getting any action. That's comforting but she doesn't have a boyfriend so yea. She's my cousin.
  4. ENFPs don't seem the type to settle down. I want to settle down. I want to advance and improve at all times, but I don't want to move from town to town like my cousin wants. It's her dream but she's too young and lacks money. She wants to move from town to town and from country to country, just finding odd jobs for a while and settling there. I would NEVER EVER do that.
 

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When I’m in a relationship I’m completely committed to that person. It’s something I feel very strongly about - it’s part of my moral system. I’ve been cheated on before and it’s something I would never want to do to my SO. The down side however, is yes I did stay in a relationship for far too long because I had to exhaust every single avenue of possibility in order to make it work before I finally let it go. Once I let go, I didn’t look back and I moved on completely.

Yes, we are extroverts, but we do relish our alone time too, and time we can spend one on one with those we love. I am currently getting to know this INTJ and he is pretty amazing. He isn’t good at expressing his emotions either – at least verbally (esp as he doesn’t even trust them himself), but the more I get to know him, the more cues he gives me. He has revealed a lot of really personal stuff that he wouldn’t tell anyone and I love the fact that he is so exclusive – it makes me feel special haha.

As far as flirting is concerned, I’m not really sure what is considered as flirting as yes I am friendly with virtually everyone I meet. And I do take a personal interest in people no matter what their sex. I would assume flirting is something along the lines of leading to sexual advances on a person which I would only reserve for my SO in private anyway.

When I was younger, even up until earlier this year I moved around and travelled around lot. It was all a part of exploring and discovering myself. Realising my limits as well as my strengths. I finally found a place to call home and I’ve reached a point where I would love to at least consider the idea of settling down for a bit.

But that’s just me and my personal opinion/experience – not all ENFPs are the same.
 

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Hmm, as a disclaimer I wouldn't use personality typing to determine whether or not someone is a good match but I'll say what I can about ENFPs, although we tend to be extroverted we are one of the most introverted extroverts; when we're in a relationship I don't think we would want other people there with us all the time we can enjoy time together just alone. We're open-minded individuals and independent too.
ENFPs can put up with anything as long as the other person does not make it a point to bring them down. We know how others feel even if they don't express it and we'll be willing to work through tough times if we like you.
With the flirting it's not that we do it on purpose it's because friendliness can be perceived as flirting I've had that happen to me plenty times even though I was not interested in someone. We have a genuine interest in people and we're incredibly friendly so if they take it the wrong way there's nothing we can do. When we're with someone we're completely loyal and dedicated so we wouldn't flirt with other people with the intention of hurting our SO. I think the key is understanding how someone is and knowing their intentions. Personally I don't think I flirt but some people do and there's nothing I can do to change their mind. Also not everyone is the same so putting a person in a category doesn't mean every person is the same. I think you would have to find someone who is very much on the introverted side of an ENFP. but even then I don't think you can change anyone's personality nor the way other people think so yea...
Who said ENFPs don't want to settle down haha I know I want to but I sure as hell won't settle down unless I'm certain that this is one person that I want to be with for the rest of my life. We do want to settle down we just don't want to settle for less and that being said every person is different.
Personally I wouldn't use the MBTI to date (even then I date incredibly selectively) and I'd find out about a person through their actions. I believe every person is different and no one should be held to a box of characteristics x)
(also these are opinions of my own I'm not sure how many ENFPs I speak for)
 
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As far as I know ENFPs are very loyal but the person you are going out with shouldn't be the jealous type because you seem like you're flirting with everyone even though you are not, you are just being yourself. You would never even kiss another person if you were in a relationship.
I think flirting is part of getting to know someone, how they react, what they like, it doesn't mean I want to sleep with you. Jealously (when it's not sick) is a sign of of wanting to protect someone and fear of loss, it is part of love as I understand it. If someone is jealous of me talking too much to a guy it's perfectly normal, but it's not normal when you get sickly envious about it.
Kissing and touching is a different matter, I need to trust you to do that.


Reading MBTIPC's thread I think you get over relationships pretty well and don't cling on your ex for years and wouldn't want to meet your ex if he came into town after 2 years if you had a new partner already.
Hm. Maybe. My exes usually got mad at me for one reason or another, the last two was because I wasn't a feminist and the other was because I couldn't stay with him (due to jealously and other things). I meet him afterwards, I didn't mind it, he understood after a few months, his friends got mad at me instead so I think I would mind meeting him while being with someone else.


However reading his thread also made me think that ENFPs are not really good with relationships when saying that you stay with a partner for a long time. You are just not looking for a relationship because you like new people too much. I may be very wrong about this, so I would like to hear a comment.
I don't know really. I never had a long term relationship.
 

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My SO is ISTJ. Like the archetype of an ISTJ. Read as bad with expressing any emotions, bad at communication in general, likes staying at home, very practical, learns towards general grumpiness, etc. I, however, am very classic ENFP, though I've learned some analytic and logic, it's not natural for me. However, we are great together. We balance each other out. The big thing would be that you have to learn to actually work on the relationship...just like with any other one.
Definitely find an ENFP who is mature though. They tend (key word 'tend' as you can't always judge someone by MB type) to look for a grounding influence to settle down with and provide stability.
On flirting...a lot of what people perceive as flirting is really just normal interaction for us. I interact very similarly with men and women and often in a way people perceive as flirting. Really I just enjoy interacting and socializing and I like when people like me. Not in an "I need sexual attention because I need a confidence boost" way, but in a way that it just genuinely thrills me to make people smile. Luckily my boyfriend has 0 jealousy issues. He knows I'm nuts about him and trusts me the same way I trust him. We've actually laughed about people hitting on one of us because we know that nothing would ever happen. That's not to say that you should be ok with your SO blatantly hitting on someone, just that there is a fine line between making someone smile and feel special versus touching their arm and batting your eyes.

PS: I get that you can't stick a person in a box. I am ENFP, my best friend is ENFP, and this describes us and the majority of ENFPs I've met, that's what I'm basing it off of. My bff/roommate is dating an INTJ who can be a bit jealous in some situations (like us going to a guy friend's house without him) but never over her manner of socialization which argues that those close to us knowing the difference between us flirting socially and us ACTUALLY flirting.
 

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As far as I know ENFPs are very loyal but the person you are going out with shouldn't be the jealous type because you seem like you're flirting with everyone even though you are not, you are just being yourself. You would never even kiss another person if you were in a relationship.
I won't speak for every ENFP but most that I've seen on this forum and myself would never even consider cheating and I was with a guy who was the jealous type once and it wasn't so bad, I just didn't mention other guys as much!

Reading MBTIPC's thread I think you get over relationships pretty well and don't cling on your ex for years and wouldn't want to meet your ex if he came into town after 2 years if you had a new partner already.
Well actually personally I would be interest to meet my ex after 2 years, I mean it would be interested and I take a long time to get over somebody so I don't know if it's just me or... :unsure:

However reading his thread also made me think that ENFPs are not really good with relationships when saying that you stay with a partner for a long time. You are just not looking for a relationship because you like new people too much. I may be very wrong about this, so I would like to hear a comment.
Well we obviously love our SO but in my opinion ENFP (or just myself) like to meet new people not for potential love interest but new experiences, stories, reaction, personalities and minds and flirting can be one way to create that friendly bond with people and since most ENFP are loyal and quite a few would see flirting as betrayal it would cut out that whole interaction that admittedly gets the best reaction so our SO would need to provided a constant flow of new experiences. Well, that's just my thought...


PART B

I like spending time one on one with a person. That is really really intimate and personal in my opinion. If I'm in a group setting where there is at least 2 people, I couldn't be as open and I wouldn't feel the connection I feel otherwise. I like group settings and I love talking in them, people usually listen to me if they are interested in deeper topics, but I cannot feel the connection I feel when I'm one on one with a person. So I would like to spend a lot of time with just me and my girl and I'm not sure if ENFPs are interested in that. Especially if meeting like a few times a week to talk when for example taking a walk or sitting down or something.
I'm guessing you didn't look into too much into ENFPs because a lot of us too like that intimate part where you can really get to know somebody (I mean... we CRAVE it!) you know intellectual banter or discovering something new about somebody, really getting IN their heads... You probably be like :shocked: but the mind is BE-AU-TI-FUL thing .. OKay going over board :')

I have trouble expressing emotions but I can do that if a person is willing to work with me on that. I express emotions if I feel comfortable with the person and I feel comfortable showing my vulnerability. I may appear very sad or depressed sometimes if I show my vulnerability, but otherwise I am very optimistic and realistic guy. I'm not sure ENFPs would deal with that.
Okay you're optimistic but you have depth and are willing for an ENFP to help you with your emotions..... You're perfect.

I wouldn't want my SO to flirt with people, I would be really unhappy about my partner flirting with some dude at the bar. I'm ok with her hanging out with men, but just no flirting. But that's probably the ability to curb it. Same like the ability to curb drinking for example. I know an ENFP who drinks a lot and flirts a lot but leaves the men without getting any action. That's comforting but she doesn't have a boyfriend so yea. She's my cousin.
It's not flirting (well not all the time), we're just friendly! People mistake it for flirting..... And as long as you give them the attention they need (and the space) then you should be fine!

ENFPs don't seem the type to settle down. I want to settle down. I want to advance and improve at all times, but I don't want to move from town to town like my cousin wants. It's her dream but she's too young and lacks money. She wants to move from town to town and from country to country, just finding odd jobs for a while and settling there. I would NEVER EVER do that.
.......................... And THIS is where you have a problem! A lot of ENFPs (to my knowledge) like to travel and a lot of them like variety in their career so you might need to compromise and otherwise, go with the flow! :kitteh:
 

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Discussion Starter #10
I won't speak for every ENFP but most that I've seen on this forum and myself would never even consider cheating and I was with a guy who was the jealous type once and it wasn't so bad, I just didn't mention other guys as much!

Isn't that contradictory to being open though?

Well we obviously love our SO but in my opinion ENFP (or just myself) like to meet new people not for potential love interest but new experiences, stories, reaction, personalities and minds and flirting can be one way to create that friendly bond with people and since most ENFP are loyal and quite a few would see flirting as betrayal it would cut out that whole interaction that admittedly gets the best reaction so our SO would need to provided a constant flow of new experiences. Well, that's just my thought...

What could be those new experiences you are talking about? Maybe you could provide a few examples along with the explanation? That would be very interesting.

I'm guessing you didn't look into too much into ENFPs because a lot of us too like that intimate part where you can really get to know somebody (I mean... we CRAVE it!) you know intellectual banter or discovering something new about somebody, really getting IN their heads... You probably be like :shocked: but the mind is BE-AU-TI-FUL thing .. OKay going over board :')

I guess that also means that you like deep analysis of someone? What after you figure out a person? Are you still "interested" in such moments?

Okay you're optimistic but you have depth and are willing for an ENFP to help you with your emotions..... You're perfect.

Generally am, but if we would be talking about my history, I have a sad childhood for example. Pretty much if you ask me anything about my past, 90% of the time I'll give you a saddening answer, but just factually not in a "look at me, I'm sad" kind of way. I may not even show sadness at that moment. And THAT is what I'm not sure if an ENFP would want to deal with.

It's not flirting (well not all the time), we're just friendly! People mistake it for flirting..... And as long as you give them the attention they need (and the space) then you should be fine!

Oh my SO would not lack attention from me! That's why she'd be my SO! And space, of course, as long as no kissing is involved, and we meet at least a couple times a week, I'm down.

.......................... And THIS is where you have a problem! A lot of ENFPs (to my knowledge) like to travel and a lot of them like variety in their career so you might need to compromise and otherwise, go with the flow! :kitteh:

Travel for vacation twice a year for 2 weeks, OK. BUt otherwise, I do not know what sort of compromise is available. You either move around or not. I'm not willing to move around the world, and I'm not willing to spend only 12 weeks per year with my SO. What are my options, then?
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Isn't that contradictory to being open though?
Well not necessarily, I mean it's not like I wasn't ALLOWED to talk about other guys, I just didn't mention anything that could make him jealous. He knew I did it (not like cheating but like hugging, I'm a hugger) I just didn't mention anything unless if it would affect him in a certain way.


What could be those new experiences you are talking about? Maybe you could provide a few examples along with the explanation? That would be very interesting.
Oooh, I feel on the spot now! But like keep dates going and do something new they haven't tried like bungee jumping or a new night club, or if you prefer something calm go for (those who like reading) a old library that used to be a church, a indie coffee shop they've never been to, seeing the set of their favourite film or even ruins of a castle with a rich history. But it really depend on the individual, some like a combo and some like a certain ambience. There are other things like if you go on our more sex centred post a lot of them like (love) sex but that doesn't mean they'll be willing to put out unless they're married. It's a very split community! And tell them about your day but also be willing to listen to them most ENFP are used to listening to others even a lot of them (not all) talk a lot they don't usually get what they need to say out unless asked. But you also have to continue with the flirt or the connection because again, ENFP get bored easily, less with people but still they get bored and you have to keep them interested, flirting is part of the fun!


I guess that also means that you like deep analysis of someone? What after you figure out a person? Are you still "interested" in such moments?
Well, the whole deep analysis is just done naturally, seriously read the forums! :kitteh: And you'll find most ENFP actually care about people, unless you get a 'broken' ENFP they can be a bit... Well... yeah, no. After we figure a person? They're always more to people, my step-dad known me for 11 years and he tries to pin point me but I always defy his conclusions so you can never really know EVERYTHING about a person so there is usually something new about a person so you never completely figure them out. And are we still interested in such moments? Well it depends on the person, but most yes, that's why me and my best friend of four years broke up, for two years she stopped with the moments, her side of the conversation and the banter so any time she really talked was in arguments and even when I asked her she would just pass it off and was the complete opposite of being open. And most ENFPs I've spoken to love banter especially if it doesn't turn into an argument.


Generally am, but if we would be talking about my history, I have a sad childhood for example. Pretty much if you ask me anything about my past, 90% of the time I'll give you a saddening answer, but just factually not in a "look at me, I'm sad" kind of way. I may not even show sadness at that moment. And THAT is what I'm not sure if an ENFP would want to deal with.
........ You've just described me. I smile when I tell people I was homeless when I was 3 because it's the past! And when telling a part of yourself where you don't show much emotion is normal for most people, it really depends on the person some people (not just ENFPs) will feel the need for you to react and others would just want to understand, listen and be there, that has nothing to do with ENFPs just their morals.


Oh my SO would not lack attention from me! That's why she'd be my SO! And space, of course, as long as no kissing is involved, and we meet at least a couple times a week, I'm down.
Then you're good just don't slack off after a few years! Or there will be doubts... And doubts corrupt!!! O_O


Travel for vacation twice a year for 2 weeks, OK. But otherwise, I do not know what sort of compromise is available. You either move around or not. I'm not willing to move around the world, and I'm not willing to spend only 12 weeks per year with my SO. What are my options, then?
Simple an ENFP who likes where they are, with a fulfilling dynamic, I mean travel isn't ALWAYS all around the world and back again kind of thing, it could just be to the other side of the city or a neighbouring town/city/village all they need is a change of dynamics for some!
 

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I want to thank you for descriptive and long answers, you are really helping me to get a better idea about things!! :kitteh:

Well not necessarily, I mean it's not like I wasn't ALLOWED to talk about other guys, I just didn't mention anything that could make him jealous. He knew I did it (not like cheating but like hugging, I'm a hugger) I just didn't mention anything unless if it would affect him in a certain way.

To me being open means not skipping on details. I know your reasoning and I understand, but that isn't being open, not how I see it. Oh, and what's wrong with hugging? It's how people say how nowadays. Some even kiss you on the lips (that however I do not understand).

Oooh, I feel on the spot now! But like keep dates going and do something new they haven't tried like bungee jumping or a new night club, or if you prefer something calm go for (those who like reading) a old library that used to be a church, a indie coffee shop they've never been to, seeing the set of their favourite film or even ruins of a castle with a rich history. But it really depend on the individual, some like a combo and some like a certain ambience. There are other things like if you go on our more sex centred post a lot of them like (love) sex but that doesn't mean they'll be willing to put out unless they're married. It's a very split community! And tell them about your day but also be willing to listen to them most ENFP are used to listening to others even a lot of them (not all) talk a lot they don't usually get what they need to say out unless asked. But you also have to continue with the flirt or the connection because again, ENFP get bored easily, less with people but still they get bored and you have to keep them interested, flirting is part of the fun!

What would be the flirt that you are talking about? The flirt that would keep things interesting for an ENFP? How to keep that "connection" exactly? I don't think you mean just keeping conversation and talking about things, that comes naturally in a relationship.
Well, the whole deep analysis is just done naturally, seriously read the forums! :kitteh: And you'll find most ENFP actually care about people, unless you get a 'broken' ENFP they can be a bit... Well... yeah, no. After we figure a person? They're always more to people, my step-dad known me for 11 years and he tries to pin point me but I always defy his conclusions so you can never really know EVERYTHING about a person so there is usually something new about a person so you never completely figure them out. And are we still interested in such moments? Well it depends on the person, but most yes, that's why me and my best friend of four years broke up, for two years she stopped with the moments, her side of the conversation and the banter so any time she really talked was in arguments and even when I asked her she would just pass it off and was the complete opposite of being open. And most ENFPs I've spoken to love banter especially if it doesn't turn into an argument.

Hm... I have read that ENFPs like INTJs a lot. So an ENTJ would be much more open than an INTJ. INTJ would be mysterious all the time, because they don't express their thoughts much in the first place, but an ENTJ would express their thoughts a lot and really well. They would be able to say what they think easily and they would say it. That's more of what I meant about figuring a person out. An ENTJ could probably be figured out pretty quickly, his way of thinking. An INTJ, on the other hand, his way of thinking is probably impossible to fully figure out. The ENTJ is much simpler. I like this analogy. I think now you get what I wanted to ask. :wink:

........ You've just described me. I smile when I tell people I was homeless when I was 3 because it's the past! And when telling a part of yourself where you don't show much emotion is normal for most people, it really depends on the person some people (not just ENFPs) will feel the need for you to react and others would just want to understand, listen and be there, that has nothing to do with ENFPs just their morals.

ENFPs don't seem to like sadder things. And basically whatever I would be asked, I would give a rather saddening answer. Even with a smile on my face. I have read another thread and some people said that it's about having to carry their burdain as well as your own. And nobody wants that. That's why I asked.

Simple an ENFP who likes where they are, with a fulfilling dynamic, I mean travel isn't ALWAYS all around the world and back again kind of thing, it could just be to the other side of the city or a neighbouring town/city/village all they need is a change of dynamics for some!

Moving to another side of the city, sure, unless it means 3h drive to work, then it's just impractical. But if it's a small move (for example 30-60min drive to work is reasonable, right? I don't know what's reasonable in the US), say half an hour drive radius around the workplace, that's not really much change of dynamics. The only change of dynamics could be city life vs. country life if it's the same city. That's a very possible and reasonable change, but would something as simple as that be enough? And what to do after 3 more years, when the ENFP wants change again? Can't change back, and finding a new workplace, after you're established, respected member of the company, getting bonuses and really love your job for example. What to do? Month of vacation isn't going to cut it, obviously.
 

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I want to thank you for descriptive and long answers, you are really helping me to get a better idea about things!! :kitteh:
OMG not a problem! It's two in the morning and I feel like I've just been on a coffee-run and I don't drink coffee so... yeah!

To me being open means not skipping on details. I know your reasoning and I understand, but that isn't being open, not how I see it. Oh, and what's wrong with hugging? It's how people say how nowadays. Some even kiss you on the lips (that however I do not understand).
I'm half-french, I feel a bit empty when my friends leave without the mandatory kiss on the cheek, but lips... Too far. Well, it really depends, I mean it depended on him like if I was going out with you I'd be honest but with him I just told him the outline, sure if he asked for detail, I told him!


What would be the flirt that you are talking about? The flirt that would keep things interesting for an ENFP? How to keep that "connection" exactly? I don't think you mean just keeping conversation and talking about things, that comes naturally in a relationship.
You'd be surprise how some people run dry... Well, how do you flirt? I mean everybody has this thing that just works! I know this guy (INTJ I think) and I can say something that most people would give the 'Freak' look but he just smirks and stares and doesn't say anything and it's really hot, we've turned it into a competition of concentration cause I return it right back and I know this other guy (I don't know what type, sue me) and everytime he walks past me he turns and raises his eyebrows as if 'I dare you' then when he sees me later he sneaks up on me and then joins in to whatever I was saying to my 'audience' but directs it at me. I find both super flirt moves super hot but ones subtle and ones more to the point, you've just got to find the tick in your clockwork!

Hm... I have read that ENFPs like INTJs a lot. So an ENTJ would be much more open than an INTJ. INTJ would be mysterious all the time, because they don't express their thoughts much in the first place, but an ENTJ would express their thoughts a lot and really well. They would be able to say what they think easily and they would say it. That's more of what I meant about figuring a person out. An ENTJ could probably be figured out pretty quickly, his way of thinking. An INTJ, on the other hand, his way of thinking is probably impossible to fully figure out. The ENTJ is much simpler. I like this analogy. I think now you get what I wanted to ask. :wink:
Just remember, we like the challenge! :kitteh:


ENFPs don't seem to like sadder things. And basically whatever I would be asked, I would give a rather saddening answer. Even with a smile on my face. I have read another thread and some people said that it's about having to carry their burdain as well as your own. And nobody wants that. That's why I asked.
Well, you can't really change the fact that a lot of us carry the burden, if it's not you it's going to be somebody else... But it shouldn't matter, if they care about you just listen to them as well...


Moving to another side of the city, sure, unless it means 3h drive to work, then it's just impractical. But if it's a small move (for example 30-60min drive to work is reasonable, right? I don't know what's reasonable in the US), say half an hour drive radius around the workplace, that's not really much change of dynamics. The only change of dynamics could be city life vs. country life if it's the same city. That's a very possible and reasonable change, but would something as simple as that be enough? And what to do after 3 more years, when the ENFP wants change again? Can't change back, and finding a new workplace, after you're established, respected member of the company, getting bonuses and really love your job for example. What to do? Month of vacation isn't going to cut it, obviously.
First, I don't know about the US, I live in the UK! My mum drives two hours to work and my step-dad lives up north and comes down for two days a week so I don't really relate to the lifestyle your referring to. Well, if an ENFP is willing to stay 3 years in one place with a constant dynamic, I mean you can't move once? I mean 3 years is a long time, especially at a job unless I own it of course, 2 years tops for me if it's a non travelling job. But I mean THREE YEARS! :shocked: You've baffled me off topic now... I mean that's like teachers who brag about at their job for 20 years when they could of been a principal, or a teacher at a private, more regarded school. I mean 3 years... Wow... um... 2 years would be enough to have built connection and moved on to another company established another set of connection, new ideas, interpretations to build your own business, small, sure but still your own. 3 years in one job and place, they haven't relocated you by now? Oh my goodness... 3 years in one job, so much dedication, your only friends are your work mates. Oh my goodness just wow. Okay, I don't even know how to help you with this... question...
 

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Can I butt in?

The openness depends not really on the ENFP but on their SO. I know for me in my current relationship I tell him whatever. He trusts me and and more importantly he knows me and he knows I am just interested in people and it doesn't mean anything. He knows that I've picked him and thats that. But in a previous relationship I was not so forthcoming. Not because I was hiding anything. Or ashamed of anything. But because frankly he was happier if I didn't give him every last detail. He never asked me not to talk to people or tried to change me, but I KNEW it bothered him and hurt his feelings. And to be honest I tried to change because of it. But it's hard to change what you don't even realize you're doing. So instead I stopped telling him all about so and so who came to my desk at work and talked to me for 45 min and I couldn't get him to go back to his own desk no matter how hard I hinted. Frankly that kind of thing didn't impact out relationship. And the only reason I was telling him that stuff in the first place was to make him laugh at how silly it was and make myself the butt of the joke for not being able to stand up to the so and so and tell him to go away. And my boyfriend would laugh at the time. But then it would bother him for days afterwards. So I stopped. Because he was happier if I didn't.

For me on the flirting there isn't a one thing. But there is something you can keep in mind when you're figuring out what your SO likes. The best thing, the best most amazing thrilling flirt is always something that is just for me. That no one else knows about and that is his secret thing for me. Intimacy and making me feel special and letting me know I make him happy. My current SO has a couple, and they're not even really traditional flirting things. He's an INTJ so verbal romance is a little hard to come by. But we do things like we play this never ending word game between us where one person says a word and then the other person has to say another word that starts with the last letter of the first word. You can't repeat words, or add an s to the end or anything easy like that. We've been playing for months, so we're very short on words (looking things up in the dictionary isn't allowed). Every few days he'll text me a word, just out of the blue, usually while I'm at work. That tells me he's been thinking of me, and trying to find a word for days. It may sound strange but it's flirting. There are other things of course. I should say here we're very long distance right now, so lots of texting etc. When we're together there's lots of physical contact. He doesn't touch other people the way he touches me. Not even like romantic touches. Just little things that let me know he's aware of where I am in relation to him, and that he enjoys being with me. Sitting close to me on the train, so that our legs touch. Playing with the end of my hair when he talks to me. Little things that let me know he's present with me and thinking about me.

In terms of mystery and figuring people out and the risk of getting bored once you figure someone out, I haven't really had that problem. It's not just the figuring out that makes me happy. It's also the total intimacy and connection of KNOWING that person. I've known my best friend since I was 7, so 25 years. I know how she will react, I know what she likes and doesn't like, even down to every food she refuses to eat (it's quite a list!) and the ones she loves. And I love her and hanging out with her BECAUSE I know her on that level. So for her I love knowing before she says anything at the restaurant that she'll have a sprite with no ice, and that a tomato can't ever have even thought of touching her food. Idk what it is, but knowing someone at that level is very fulfilling. I think the important thing in most of my long term relationships is the challenge. I have realized that the people that stick around in my life are the ones I argue with the most passionately. Argue is a strong word here, it's not arguing to them but it feels like it to me. The people I have loved and continue to love the most are the same people who frustrate me the most. The ones who don't let me manipulate them too easily. Who have their own well thought out opinions and who respect mine but don't let me change theirs. As frustrating as it can be, it is never boring. The important part about those people is that even when they argue with me they NEVER put me down. My boyfriend actually gets mad at me on a regular basis for not standing up to HIM for what I want and just telling him. The people who I keep around encourage me to speak up, even if they don't like what they hear. I don't keep people around who don't support me like that. It's not a conscious decision, but I look around and none of those people are here anymore.

In terms of sad things, I have to disagree with your premise here. On the surface yes, I like happy things. But sharing sad things with me is being intimate with me. I know when my boyfriend talks about things that happened in his past, he doesn't talk about them with very many people. I am a special case, someone he can trust. That is amazing. Plus on a deeper level, well...sometimes it's not so bad being melancholy. Sometimes sad things and being sad make me FEEL so intensely that it's like a high. Idk how to explain it...hmm... Ok so this is gonna be totally teeny-bopper but here goes. I know you probably haven't read it but the 2nd book in the twilight series is one of the saddest most heart wrenching things I've read (for fun) in a long time. It strikes me so hard that I only read the entire book one time. But I love to sometimes go and read just the beginning when it's super sad and painful and it makes me cry, and then the ending, when it's also super sad and painful and it makes me cry because it's also beautiful. Sadness can be beautiful. So while I prefer to be happy, there are many reasons why being sad isn't something that would turn me off of someone. Plus frankly it's also a challenge. How can I help this person who I love who is sad be happy?

In terms of moving around. Idk that I'm typical in this regard. I was at my previous job for 5 years, before that 2 years. I have lived in the same city on the same side of the city pretty much my entire life. I have moved, that's true. But frankly not very far. Within I'd say a 40-50 mile radius of where I grew up. I'm trying to think what I change. Yes I get bored in a job, but usually I just then either get promoted or move to a position at the same level but doing something a little different. I chose a career where every day is similar in the process but I talk to completely different people and deal with their completely different situations and help them in different ways. I think that has helped me not feel the need to move on so much. That and I live in a very large metropolitan area. So when I want something new I drive 30 minutes and I have it. Vacation time is enough for me, as long as I go somewhere over the weekend every so often. I'd say I go on a weekend trip maybe once every 3 months. Never very far, driving. But it's enough. I think I also compensate with STUFF. I like new stuff. I'm not completely nuts about shopping, I own a normal amount of shoes etc. but I like changing the covers on the bed every year. Or new throw pillows. Or candles or dishes or whatever. Never anything super extravagant. I shop at Ross, lol. But like changing out the candle holder on a shelf makes me feel like the room is different. Makes me happy.

The thing you really should be asking is something I struggle with in my current relationship. My INTJ boyfriend does NOT understand that I need reassurance and sometimes I need compliments. He feels that since he's with me of COURSE he loves me. Why do I make him say it 3 times a day? He feels that he shouldn't have to tell me he misses me (long distance) because that should be understood. He's told me in the past. Why would it have changed? But I NEED him to say it. Otherwise I read into him not saying it and come up with all kinds of reasons he's not saying it. He doesn't miss me like I miss him. Maybe he does 't love me anymore. Maybe he's wishing he could date a girl that lives where he lives. Maybe I annoy him and he's tired of it. Etc Etc Etc. And I worry and I wonder and the more I ask him what's wrong or what he's thinking about and he says "nothing" the more worried I get until it blows up and I'm crying so hard over Skype it sounds like I'm not speaking English and he is completely blindsided because he thought we were totally fine. Because to him we are. We're together so of course he loves me. If he wanted to date other people he'd be dating them. Of course he thinks I'm beautiful and sexy, he's told me I am in the past. Why would that have changed? For him we're fine. Meanwhile I'm over here having a nuclear meltdown.

The question shouldn't be if we'll get bored or if we can deal with sadness. I can't speak for everyone, but I mold myself around my SO. My SO's happiness and well being is paramount. More important than my own. The question you should be asking is how to get your ENFP to talk to you about the negative things they are dealing with in the relationship. Even if they are SURE it will upset you and hurt your feelings and cause an argument. How to get them to tell you when they need you to be sappy and romantic. How to recognize when you need to reassure them. How to build them up so they will be confident they can tell you straight out what they need and know that you won't belittle it as silly or mushy nonsense. Because if most ENFP's are like me, we are so used to reading social clues and just flat out asking people what's up that we are surprised and hurt when our SO apparently doesn't care about the social clues we are throwing at him. When the poor SO is just not hard wired to see the clues. So communication is key. And while we are great communicators somehow this aspect seems to get lost in translation.

And this was WAY longer than I intended! Sorry!
 

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Oh!! I forgot! For me at least, I could never imagine being with anyone other than my SO. It's been 2 years and I love him more all the time. I love meeting new people, but I love the intimacy and knowing we fit together more than the possibility of meeting someone else. New people are for friends. Loyalty and love are forever.
 

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[cut out this awesome post]
THIS is good advice! I don't know everything and it's good to get another view point but I still don't relate with staying at a job for more than 5 years. A career, yes. A job... Not so much. But I think that might depend on the Enneagram type (7w8 over here, I don't know...)
Though one thing I don't get is need the reassurance thing, I mean if they throw a compliment here and there or if they still give that same look when I call out their name and I don't say people's names often... That I never got...
And the part where you over compensate with STUFF xD Just proves my point of a constant flow of NEW! :D
Okay... I'll be going now...
 

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You sound a bit like an ENTJ, kazoz. At least like me anyway. ENFPs seem very warm and easy to talk to, they seem genuinely interested in what you have to say and they DO like one-on-one conversations. The thing is however, especially online it's really hard to catch one and keep him around for a couple of hours. I've talked to one for a few hours though, with no distractions from either mine or her side as far as I can tell, as we were both engaged and shared ideas. It was entertaining, time passed really quickly. Same like with someone in real life as well, BUT my point being is that if you do get them to give you a few hours, you're gonna have a great time, but that's hard to do. They seem to have such active lives, always doing something or socializing.

As for an actual relationship, personally I'm a bit scared about the thing you SEEM to be scared about as well, their need for dynamics. I'd like to settle down, start a company and develop it, work on it, which means no moving anywhere else. Would probably move to a house out of an apartment in a few years since I'd start a company, but that's that. After that, we'd stay at the same location. We can go on vacation, I don't mind that, just like you, although long vacations completely freed from work is not something I could do, I'm likely to spend at least an hour a day at my PC, checking on my business too, but I don't think that'd create a big problem. Still, I wouldn't go away for any longer than a month. In fact, a month seems like a lot of time to be away, but I could do it for my SO. So, so far it seems that physical location and variety I could provide an ENFP with is... Limited. Because I couldn't deal with my SO leaving on her own for a few months, I don't believe in long-term-relationship. Only as a starting point, but I wouldn't consider us being in a relationship until we met physically and took a long walk in some calmer location, talking.

I don't know if you're an ENTJ or an INTJ or something like that, but you did give an example about ENTJs. Personally, I'd like to open up to my SO after a few months, probably after a couple of years I would open up my deepest "secrets" as well, as then I'd be sure that the person probably wants to spend - as fluffy as this may sound - the rest of her life with me. Until then, I'd open up to a great degree, which would be WAAAAY more than an INTJ ever would. And it DOES seem that it's important to ENFPs to have a person to figure out, I don't think they'd do much figuring out with me, they could just ask and I'd tell them openly and honestly, without hiding stuff from them. That's what I'd expect from them too, but they seem pretty open people. I'm not sure if I would interest them long-term because of my openness. They wouldn't have anything to work on. Maybe help me figure stuff out by talking to me or something like that, but it's by far not as amusing as listening to an INTJ saying "i don't know, it's my intuition" and trying to figure out what's up.

So... Yea, these are my observations/thoughts about your questions/thoughts, no need to comment on that, I'm not an ENFP and will not be able to provide a dynamic insight.
 

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THIS is good advice! I don't know everything and it's good to get another view point but I still don't relate with staying at a job for more than 5 years. A career, yes. A job... Not so much. But I think that might depend on the Enneagram type (7w8 over here, I don't know...)
Though one thing I don't get is need the reassurance thing, I mean if they throw a compliment here and there or if they still give that same look when I call out their name and I don't say people's names often... That I never got...
And the part where you over compensate with STUFF xD Just proves my point of a constant flow of NEW! :D
Okay... I'll be going now...
i'm relatively new to this site so I'm not even sure what an Enneagram is, much less which one I am. I have a relatively short attention span for minutia and to be honest I haven't bothered researching it yet, lol. I'll get around to it. For me I know it's weird but as an ENFP I have this strange need for stability, even though I'm supposed to be super changeable, right? But I like security. I don't like financial risk. I'm not good with finances, but I get by. And I don't like risking what I have gambling on a new job if I can help it. But I am ENFP in other ways. I can't seem to stick it out in college for a full regular semester. I have to take the shortened more intense ones cause I get bored otherwise. That kind of thing. But work is...work. It doesn't matter if I'm bored. If I want nice stuff and air conditioning etc then I have to work, lol.
The reassuring thing I think I can explain. At least for myself. I have a short attention span, I have no real sense of time, and low self esteem. (Err...lower self esteem. It's gotten a lot better). So I forget the specifics of what my SO has done / said in the past, or at least they fade somewhat, I have no real concept of how long it's been since he said or did something romantic, and my self esteem makes me feel like maybe I don't deserve to be with him. So if it's been more than like a week since he's told me how much he misses me and since he's talked to me in that soft voice that he only uses for me, then it feels to me like it's been MONTHS!!! Not fair to him, I'm working on it. But there it is. If you take that concept and think, ok so my SO hasn't said he loves me or had an intimate moment with me in months, then I think no matter what personality type you are you're going to want some reassurance. It's just a quirk about me that I have the emotional memory of a goldfish...
 

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i'm relatively new to this site so I'm not even sure what an Enneagram is, much less which one I am. I have a relatively short attention span for minutia and to be honest I haven't bothered researching it yet, lol. I'll get around to it. For me I know it's weird but as an ENFP I have this strange need for stability, even though I'm supposed to be super changeable, right? But I like security. I don't like financial risk. I'm not good with finances, but I get by. And I don't like risking what I have gambling on a new job if I can help it. But I am ENFP in other ways. I can't seem to stick it out in college for a full regular semester. I have to take the shortened more intense ones cause I get bored otherwise. That kind of thing. But work is...work. It doesn't matter if I'm bored. If I want nice stuff and air conditioning etc then I have to work, lol.
The reassuring thing I think I can explain. At least for myself. I have a short attention span, I have no real sense of time, and low self esteem. (Err...lower self esteem. It's gotten a lot better). So I forget the specifics of what my SO has done / said in the past, or at least they fade somewhat, I have no real concept of how long it's been since he said or did something romantic, and my self esteem makes me feel like maybe I don't deserve to be with him. So if it's been more than like a week since he's told me how much he misses me and since he's talked to me in that soft voice that he only uses for me, then it feels to me like it's been MONTHS!!! Not fair to him, I'm working on it. But there it is. If you take that concept and think, ok so my SO hasn't said he loves me or had an intimate moment with me in months, then I think no matter what personality type you are you're going to want some reassurance. It's just a quirk about me that I have the emotional memory of a goldfish...
You should look into Enneagram it explains why some people with the same personality types have a different goal, outlook! Like driven to work, or driven to love or a bit anal with things! xD
 

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You'd be surprise how some people run dry... Well, how do you flirt? I mean everybody has this thing that just works! I know this guy (INTJ I think) and I can say something that most people would give the 'Freak' look but he just smirks and stares and doesn't say anything and it's really hot, we've turned it into a competition of concentration cause I return it right back and I know this other guy (I don't know what type, sue me) and everytime he walks past me he turns and raises his eyebrows as if 'I dare you' then when he sees me later he sneaks up on me and then joins in to whatever I was saying to my 'audience' but directs it at me. I find both super flirt moves super hot but ones subtle and ones more to the point, you've just got to find the tick in your clockwork!

I would guess I need more experience with this whole relationship thing to be able to answer your question. But thank you for being descriptive and providing 2 analytic examples!!
Just remember, we like the challenge! :kitteh:

That is a broad term, but I will try and remember that!

First, I don't know about the US, I live in the UK! My mum drives two hours to work and my step-dad lives up north and comes down for two days a week so I don't really relate to the lifestyle your referring to. Well, if an ENFP is willing to stay 3 years in one place with a constant dynamic, I mean you can't move once? I mean 3 years is a long time, especially at a job unless I own it of course, 2 years tops for me if it's a non travelling job. But I mean THREE YEARS! :shocked: You've baffled me off topic now... I mean that's like teachers who brag about at their job for 20 years when they could of been a principal, or a teacher at a private, more regarded school. I mean 3 years... Wow... um... 2 years would be enough to have built connection and moved on to another company established another set of connection, new ideas, interpretations to build your own business, small, sure but still your own. 3 years in one job and place, they haven't relocated you by now? Oh my goodness... 3 years in one job, so much dedication, your only friends are your work mates. Oh my goodness just wow. Okay, I don't even know how to help you with this... question...

If it's accounting you're referring to, sure, but if it's a dynamic job, then 3 years is not much at all. A job doesn't have to offer the same thing over and over again, that's not the job I personally would like to do either. Teachers' job is repetitive, by the way. And if you build your own business, then you can't move once again. You wouldn't relocate your HQ on a whim to change the environment, you know. Wow, this question baffled you a lot, I see!


@SarahBrave Thank you for the long post. It was a very interesting read and made me realize a few things about ENFPs! I like when such posts are longer than intended.
 
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