[NaughyChimp]

UGH! Just spent more than half an hour typing a post, only to have the site go down and find the entire post *poof* gone. Now, have to re-type all of it, to the best of my memory...

Have you read the book, Just Your Type: Create the Relationship You've Always Wanted Using the Secrets of Personality Type: Paul D. Tieger, Barbara Barron-Tieger: 9780316845694: Amazon.com: Books ? If not, I'd highly recommend it. I found mine at the local library. It looks at different romantic relationship needs and styles of the 16 MBTI Types.

The authors created a survey and used more than 1000 responses from individuals of all different Types. They asked each person to score the following 22 aspects on a scale of 1-3 (most important, important, less important) to determine which are most crucial to folks of different Types. The choices were:

1. Intimacy
2. Companionship
3. Sexual Compatibility
4. Shared Values
5. Communication
6. Similar Parenting Styles
7. Shared Interests
8. Security
9. Trust
10. Fidelity
11. Mutual Respect
12. Humour
13. Mutual Support
14. Being Listened To
15. Spiritual Connection
16. Spending Time Together
17. Accepting Each Others' differences
18. Mutual Commitment
19. Shared Religion
20. Financial Security
21. Intellectual Stimulation
22. Having Fun Together

I've discussed the results of this survey in another thread, but if you've read it, please don't bring up the results at this point. I'll write another post, further in this thread, about the findings but first I'd like a discussion of what you (ENFPs and non-ENFPs visiting this thread) think about these "aspects."

*Please do not simply re-copy the list and highlight those aspects you find most important. I'd like a CONVERSATION about this subject, not a thread full of copy-and-pastes.

A few of my thoughts on this topic include:

• I don't know how all of these aspects are defined. For example, what do you consider "intimacy?" Or "spiritual connection?"
• Did you know that a totally unrelated study found that both men & women list "sense of humour" in their top traits they want in a mate? This makes them sound as though they're looking for the same quality. However, with further questioning, it was discovered that women define sense of humour as "the dude is funny" whereas men define sense of humour as "the chick laughs at my jokes." Something seemingly so straight-forward can be understood quite differently by different folks.
• Out of the 22 qualities listed, most of them would be "highly important" to me. I think that at least 10 of them would be in my absolutely required list in any romantic relationship.

 

[NaughyChimp]

Can't hear you when you all talk at once! :laughing:

 

[NaughyChimp]

Okay. Well, since none of you wanted to join a discussion, I'll now quote from the book.

"Following are those aspects that the clear majority of people (across all Types) indicated were most important.
1. Trust 95%
2. Communication 92%
3. Mutual Respect 92%
4. Mutual Commitment 86%
5. Fidelity 82%"

 

[NaughyChimp]

"Trust, communication and mutual respect are aspects of relationships that all Types value highly. Here are aspects that ENFPs report are most and least important to them.

Most Important Aspects:
Being listened to
Mutual commitment
Intimacy
Fidelity
Having fun together
Mutual support
Humor

Least Important Aspects
Financial security
Shared religious beliefs
Shared interests
Similar parenting styles
Security

Source: Amazon.com: Just Your Type: Create the Relationship You've Always Wanted Using the Secrets of Personality Type eBook: Paul D. Tieger, Barbara Barron-Tieger: Kindle Store

 

[Revolutionist]

• Did you know that a totally unrelated study found that both men & women list "sense of humour" in their top traits they want in a mate? This makes them sound as though they're looking for the same quality. However, with further questioning, it was discovered that women define sense of humour as "the dude is funny" whereas men define sense of humour as "the chick laughs at my jokes." Something seemingly so straight-forward can be understood quite differently by different folks.

I pity all the humorless men and hilarious women XD

 

[Aya the Abysswalker]

That's like with all the relationships in the world, no news there.

 

[Tridentus]

man relationships can be a rocky road.. looking at that entire list almost all of them seem near enough crucial to a good one.

intimacy has to involve some vulnerability, although the best sorts of intimacy are when you're able to be vulnerable and have it feel completely natural and comfortable with someone- that would be my definition of when a spiritual connection happens.

lol, with the humour (<-it's our language bitches! ) thing, i actually knew what you were going to say about it as i started reading that point; it's sociological thinking. it's all gender roles- there's rarely any need for the guy to provide physical protection in today's society, but if a guy is funny he's usually socially "strong", plus with gender roles the guy has to lead the interaction and if he can make a woman laugh he's doing that.

i have one thought about it- companionship seems a pretty loose one.. like it could be viewed as less important in that "companionship" implies that it's a key reason you're in a relationship, which isn't many people's idea of love, but it could also be the most important one there since isn't companionship the main reason why people get into relationships in the first place?

i think my most important one would be mutual respect, they're all important, but from what i've seen a lack of mutual respect seems to be the biggest destroyer in the long term.

a thought just crossed my mind that when i'm at uni, this is essentially what i do at sociology seminars every week.. haha i love my subject.

 

[NaughyChimp]

i think my most important one would be mutual respect, they're all important, but from what i've seen a lack of mutual respect seems to be the biggest destroyer in the long term.

Interesting. I learned, recently (thanks, @Blocklos!), that "men feel about respect the way women feel about love." That was really an eye-opener...

 

[IronLily]

Hmm... a very interesting idea. I'll have to track that book down at some point as it sounds like a fun read.

Here's my most important and least important and why:

MOST:
1.Intellectual Stimulation/Shared Interests/Having Fun Together
2.Shared Values/Communication/Companionship/Trust/Being Listened To
3.Intimacy/Sexual Compatibility/Spending Time Together

I've grouped them together as they seem to blend in my books.
1. With my INTJ, the first one is what gets us going, we can talk for hours about theories of this or that, rant about comics and then end it all with a tickle fight. This varied levels of stimulation and fun is crucial to maintain interest in the relationship and keep things interesting day to day. This is the surface level compatibility for me.

2. This is the level of longer term relationship building. There are fights, but we always talk them out and find that 100% of the time they are based on a miscommunication or misunderstanding somewhere. This working things through, builds trust and a steadfast companionship over time. The biggest thing when we talk, for myself, is the need to feel that my point of view was heard and understood and not dismissed.

3. This level is important as I can feel batty without physical contact for too long and for myself anyways, sex is a fun and important place to express love and play, tying back into the first level of priorities. And to be fair, while I appreciate some alone time now and then, I'll start to feel neglected if time is not spent together now and then.


Least important things:
Financial Security
Shared Religion
Security
Fidelity

Because I tend to view life in the now, I don't care as much about 'security' and I often change my mind on how I perceive the world. Being able to change our minds and being open to be who we are and growing are more important than having the exact same spiritual labels applied.

 

[Tridentus]

Interesting. I learned, recently (thanks, @Blocklos!), that "men feel about respect the way women feel about love." That was really an eye-opener...

!!

that may well be true. never thought about that before..

i still think respect is pretty crucial for women, but yes those that i "love" the most are those that i respect the most. definitely. nice one @Blocklos

 

[NaughyChimp]

That's like with all the relationships in the world, no news there.

Hmm, I respectfully disagree. Different Types seem to have perhaps small but meaningful differences amongst them. I give ISTP and INTJ below as examples. Note how high "intellectual stimulation" ranks for INTJs and how low for ISTPs! "Sexual compatibility" is a top aspect for ISTPs but not for INTJs or ENFPs.

ISTP Most Important Aspects
Having fun together
Mutual Commitment
Fidelity
Companionship
Humor
Sexual Compatibility
Mutual Support

ISTP Least Important Aspects
Shared religious beliefs
Financial security
Shared interests
Spiritual connection
Intellectual stimulation
Security

INTJ Most Important Aspects
Fidelity
Mutual Support
Mutual Commitment
Intellectual Stimulation
Being listened to
Shared Values
Having fun together

INTJ Least Important Aspects
Shared religious beliefs
Security
Financial security
Shared parenting style
Spending time together
Spiritual connection

 

[MissJordan]

Interesting. I learned, recently (thanks, @Blocklos!), that "men feel about respect the way women feel about love." That was really an eye-opener...

Reckon this have to do with the fact that the male stereotype is basically STs (with a few ESFPs thrown in) and the female is based more on SFs (with an emphasis away from ESFPs)?

That's like with all the relationships in the world, no news there.

Firstly, it's to do with emphasises, which obviously would be different for each type, that's why the lowest value is "less important" as opposed to "unimportant."

Secondly, yes, it's deductible, but that's actually a strength of the survey. If it wasn't, then either it, or MBTI theory would be shown to be flawed.

If you wanna bag an INTJ, then you gotta sure up that Te. :tongue:

 

[Aya the Abysswalker]

@NaughtyChimp @MissJordan Of course you must adapt to each personality type, but the basis of a good relationship is still the same.

 

[NaughyChimp]

I want Shared Values very much. If a guy shared my values, that would INCLUDE Fidelity so that wouldn't have to be a separate category.

And, I definitely need to be Listened To (and I'd want to listen to my partner, too) but wouldn't that fall under the larger category of Communication?

 

[NaughyChimp]

!!

those that i "love" the most are those that i respect the most.

That's super-interesting, @Tridentus. I'm not sure that's typical of most men... or, at least, not of the men I know. Take my brothers, for instance. They would say the same as you but watching them, it seems to me that the women they really respect are their female friends. And their romantic partners are women who they both put on pedestals and also want to protect/ feel need their protection.

Maybe it's just my perception of how we behave with those we respect. I mean, I guess you can profoundly respect someone who you also feel like needs your protection?

 

[secondpassing]

Hmm, I respectfully disagree. Different Types seem to have perhaps small but meaningful differences amongst them. I give ISTP and INTJ below as examples. Note how high "intellectual stimulation" ranks for INTJs and how low for ISTPs! "Sexual compatibility" is a top aspect for ISTPs but not for INTJs or ENFPs.

ISTP Most Important Aspects
Having fun together
Mutual Commitment
Fidelity
Companionship
Humor
Sexual Compatibility
Mutual Support

ISTP Least Important Aspects
Shared religious beliefs
Financial security
Shared interests
Spiritual connection
Intellectual stimulation
Security

INTJ Most Important Aspects
Fidelity
Mutual Support
Mutual Commitment
Intellectual Stimulation
Being listened to
Shared Values
Having fun together

INTJ Least Important Aspects
Shared religious beliefs
Security
Financial security
Shared parenting style
Spending time together
Spiritual connection

Just from reading these two descriptions, it seems like they didn't interpret the survey correctly. If I had to fathom a guess, I'd think that every type would have "Shared religious beliefs", "Security", "Financial security", and "Spiritual connection" as their least important aspects.

I think it would have been a better idea if they had found the average rank of an aspect's importance, then evaluated the data relative to that average.

 

[Llyralen]

I read it through @Naughtychimp

My top 3 are

Intimacy
Intellectual Stimulation
Having fun together


I freaking love my husband...he's getting more and more awesome.

 

[NaughyChimp]

I rank Shared Interests low because I like time alone, or away from a partner to be with other friends. So, if he wants to go to a football game, or play hockey, or read anime while I knit or go to the gym or go to a museum with girlfriends, that's great!

Humour? Meh. They don't have to crack me up all the time or find me as hilarious as I actually am... that's what my friends are for. I mean, I love a witty guy and think shared humour can often be indicative of a certain kind of compatibility (Ns tend to have different humour than Ss, for example) but when it comes down to it, there are too many other important traits to rank this in the top 5.

Security... what do they mean in this context? I crave security in a relationship but that's because in my mind security encompasses trust, having each other's backs, fidelity, good judgment, mutual commitment, etc. etc. etc.

No surprise that ENFPs ranked financial security very low. However, having spent my 30s with someone who was totally unconcerned and unrealistic with money, I had to be the person who took care of every financial detail which was an unwelcome burden on my ENFP shoulders. So I would now (in my 40s) rank something like financial stability or sound financial judgment higher than when I was in my 20s.

 

[Llyralen]

@Naughtychimp I’ve thought a few times this last month of starting a thread about security and how different types view it. I actually think usually most types mean “financial security” when they say the word security— many of them, anyway. And I think that’s kind of not ever what an sx/so like myself thinks of.

Your thoughts?
Also is it possible for us to see what all of the types ranked as first (but without buying the book? Doh!)

 

[NaughyChimp]

What a wonderful idea, dear @Llyralen! I'd love a thread teasing out thoughts about security. In this questionnaire, I see that "security" and "financial security" are two different choices, so I'm realllllly uncertain about what is meant in by "security" in this case.

I have the book somewhere in my house. One of these weeks, I'll see if I can find it, and list the types choices here. Great idea!

I wonder how Enneagram would figure into the question of security. I really don't "get" the enneagram system, yet, but I think I'm a 6 and Sixes are famously "security-minded."