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ENFP self esteem vs. other esteem

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enfp esteem
12K views 31 replies 22 participants last post by  NIHM 
#1 ·
I wonder if enfps need esteem of others to feel esteem for ourselves, or if we derive so much energy from our interactions with others that we feel better about our selves and our lives when we're in contact with lots of people.

I feel like my creativity and happiness plummet when I'm isolated for any length of time, even though I do need time alone. I love to camp alone and be in nature alone. ~ Even though sometimes I spend camping trips laying in my tent txting! But it's like our energy and posiivity need other people to bounce off.
 
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#2 ·
My 'Mypersonality.info' badge didn't show up in the above post. I'm not sure why. Can anyone tell me what I did wrong?
 
#3 ·
What's the code? PM me the info and i'll edit it for you.
 
#4 ·
yeh i think it's both.... if i dont feel appreciated, or in contact with people, i can feel isolated and alienated. i think our capacity for connection lies in our inability to follow through on anything we start....at least in the immarture stages of our lives. it's such a challenge to us to actually put all our attention on ourselves to actually finish something, or even have a desire strong enough for ourselves that lasts to finish something, that we end up wiling away the hours talking the socks of each other with nothing more than a buzz.
 
#5 ·
Definitely sounds like an ENFP I know. As an INFP, I find the need to be around others nearly as much. Many people perceive that as an INFP that I don't like being around people. It is the opposite, actually. I really like being around people and have a need for it... I'm just introverted, haha, so I can kind of see how people get the "avoidance" thing, but I'm really not avoidant... I'm shy.
 
#6 · (Edited)
Oh god! My need for people is insane. When I am alone for long periods of time my need becomes like a knife to my throat. All creativity shuts off, the self-esteem bottoms out, and depression sets in. Things that I shouldn't be thinking shoot though my mind. (Do people like me? Am I too over bearing? And I go over and over all my mistakes, even if they didn't mean anything or have harmed anyone in the past) I start to painfully long for company.

Then when I am thrown back into a social situation, I'm usually quite shy and awkward when meeting people after a long absence of anyone. But thankfully I'm able to play it off and shake the rust from me gears and am able to connect with the people around me, which makes me feel so very much alive again. The self-esteem is rejuvenated and the creativity come flying back and the depression instantly vanishes.

Funny thing about that is my self-esteem takes a while to fully heal. After I am alone again, it tends to drop. Not nearly as far as it was but it does take a bit of time and people to recover.
 
#7 ·
Insane need for people

Oh god! My need for people is insane. When I am alone for long periods of time my need becomes like a knife to my throat. All creativity shuts off, the self-esteem bottoms out, and depression sets in. Things that I shouldn't be thinking shoot though my mind. (Do people like me? Am I too over bearing? And I go over and over all my mistakes, even if they didn't mean anything or have harmed anyone in the past) I start to painfully long for company.

Thank you for your wonderful honesty, Totally T Rex! Your first transparent line, "Oh God! Mn need for people is insane," speaks for me too! Creatvity shutting off...When I see that happening, I get depressed and scared. I can't write a word when I'm alone too much. I start to sink! My creativity is gone! I need to talk to someone. Need to see someone! Need to have a friend affirm to me that I'm awesome!
 
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#9 ·
You are awesome!

Totally T Rex, I knew as I wrote those words that you would understand completely. And I really enjoy the way you write with your 'waves of self doubt sweeping you into an ocean of depression.'

Some people don't need friends who affirm their awesomeness, but we do and God made us this way, so you know he also had to make the friends who will affirm us so we don't go without. I have a couple friends I can count on for this; I can call them and say, "I feel like crap today. Can you remind me why I'm so fantastic?" And they do! And we both laugh. If I'm really down-- and it won't last long-- it mght be the next day I'll call them and then we'll laugh.

And it feels GREAT to make people happy and know they have fun (with us!). Sometimes when I'm spinning some kind of silly tale, usually based on my own goofy life, I feel like this is one thing I contribute.. We all have something we can do to enhance our and others' existance.

Have a good week, Totally T Rex!
 
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#10 ·
Your pretty awesome, yourself!

Thanks so much for the ol' pick me up Bella! I hope I am capable of expressing the gravity of my thankfulness as I wish to. It's true, your words have definitely picked me up and I thank you for that. It feels as if you mended my severed strings allowing me to pick my limp body up off the ground, and once again gleefully dance around...well... flailing mindlessly with only a hint of control ( very much in the fashion of a marionette at the hands of a drunk puppeteer) Anyways. Just know that you yourself had just done me a world of good by just being you. Thanks very much, again. Your quite fabulous, ya know. ;-)


Haha! And that right there, folks, is a great example of how ENFP self-esteem works.
 
#11 ·
Thanks so much! Can I call you 'Totally T'? It's funny that you use an "in the hands of a drunken puppetmaster" anaolgy! I'm just happy you're flailing about in your happy ENFP way! It makes me think of something else to ask you: Do you ever have 'silly attacks' where you are on a sudden uncontrollable natural high? Where you seem to be -or feel-intoxicated with happiness? From when I was little to now, I occasionally get sudden natural highs. I'm not manic either, But I am super sensitive to good chemistry. Just joy that shines, you know? For anyone else reading this, have you had this experience?

Also, to Ohdear: when I was younger I finished evrything I started as far as projects, work, etc, but now, as I get more in tune with my natural self, and less bound by expectations, I'm finding it harder to finish anything. I like to be free from constraints, and I felt a growing claustrophobia as I struggled internally with what I was supposed to be, with what I am. People supposedly don't change a lot over the course of their lives, but my whole family feels the changes in me.(and some changes are not appreciated) I think I've circled back to where I started, in a good way.

I'm off work right now, but when I was working, I would finish everything to almost perfect standards because I needed to do my best to feel great. And also because I wanted to make my boss happy. I wanted him to know he could count on me at all times. But at home, I do what I have to, and let a lot go. I wonder why it's so hard for us to finish what we start? Ive had a bass guitar ( My boyfriend, Fender!) for three years now and I learn tabs, but I'll never master it. I just want to have fun whenever I want.:happy: Have a great day everybody!
 
#12 ·
I totally get that. It drives me insane when I text a bunch of people and NONE of them respond. When I say none respond I mean even four hours after I text them they haven't replied, even if its a question. I don't foward texts so it's not because of that. I just put my phone aside and stare at it for a few minutes.

It really hurts when my INTJ male best friend won't ever call me back. I'll leave him a voicemail and he'll never tell me he got it or anything. I live in NC and he's in Texas at college and I know he's incredibly busy (chemical engineer major) but would it hurt him to get back to me once and a while. I even told him that he was my best friend a few months ago and he didn't even respond that much. He was like, "Ok thats cool..." and it just hurts because when we do get to talk he's great and we can talk for hours. But there's always an excuse as to why he wouldn't respond. Either the classic, "i've just been so busy lately..." or, "oh I didn't get that text message..." Seriously. He texts me back sometimes but its once in a blue moon.

Wow, I just seemed to have unloaded that.
 
#13 ·
not responding to txts

Hillary, I have a friend a lot like yours. He almost never responds to txts or emails. If he didn't live in another state, I'd wonder! When he does contact me, I'm always surprised and delighted. I'm so relational I feel compelled to connect, but he isn't and that's hard for me. But I'm determined to accept him as he is. To meet him where he is, so to speak, in the friendship

I gave it a lot of thought...what do I really need to be happy. And longing for communication from anyone was not conducive to happiness.:cool:

I gently told him by email that I would focus on reciprocal friendships from now on and not contact him as often so he wouldn't feel obligated to act out of his 'zone' and I could enjoy life more not hoping he'd respond. I wasn't trying to manipulate him. He wrote back to tell he rarely answers txts or emails, that he just doesn't do that often. Every few weeks he'll txt me out of the blue.

Even though it's 'just' a friendship, (I mean, this is an ENFP talking!) I felt like he doesn't care (like I do) because he didn't show it the way I did. If possible, Hillary, try to focus on the reciprocal relationshiips that are nearest you, to get your needs for affection met, so you can deal with his distance, both real and figuative, a little easier. Enjoy the day.
 
#15 ·
Hillary, I have a friend a lot like yours. He almost never responds to txts or emails. If he didn't live in another state, I'd wonder! When he does contact me, I'm always surprised and delighted. I'm so relational I feel compelled to connect, but he isn't and that's hard for me. But I'm determined to accept him as he is. To meet him where he is, so to speak, in the friendship

I gave it a lot of thought...what do I really need to be happy. And longing for communication from anyone was not conducive to happiness.:cool:

I gently told him by email that I would focus on reciprocal friendships from now on and not contact him as often so he wouldn't feel obligated to act out of his 'zone' and I could enjoy life more not hoping he'd respond. I wasn't trying to manipulate him. He wrote back to tell he rarely answers txts or emails, that he just doesn't do that often. Every few weeks he'll txt me out of the blue.

Even though it's 'just' a friendship, (I mean, this is an ENFP talking!) I felt like he doesn't care (like I do) because he didn't show it the way I did. If possible, Hillary, try to focus on the reciprocal relationshiips that are nearest you, to get your needs for affection met, so you can deal with his distance, both real and figuative, a little easier. Enjoy the day.
Yes I agree with this...almost all of my bestfriends are like that..it sucks... well I think I have one friend that isn't..and she's also the only one that sometimes asks me if I want to meet or do something without me asking her first :) the others hardly ever contact me to do stuff..and that makes me feel like they don't like me or that I'm just boring..and that makes my seflesteem go really low :sad:

My mom said "everyone acts like that"..but that sucks! I don't believe it..I know plenty of people that have friends that call them almost everyday..so maybe I just need to meet new people or are all people like this? :unsure:
 
#14 ·
I need people around me to stay happy actually. There are days when I can take being alone very well, but when I have worries or other things of a negative nature occupying my mind, I need to go out and surround myself by friends, who can indeed tell me that everything will work out fine and how awesome I am. That's how it works, you know. Rationally I can handle every situation, but when I keep running over things in my head, sometimes I get totally depressed because I have nobody I can bounce my thoughts off, if you get my drift. People energize me, I often find myself happy to be able to go to my work, just because there are people there who are willing to listen to my rants and discuss them with me. Or I just call my sister or one of my best friends, just to hear their thoughts on some subjects. It helps a lot when I get caught up in worries... it can take me from a state of depression to utter happiness in no time...

I also have these natural high moments too. I can be on the top of the world because of nothing all of a sudden. A friend once suggested 'I could be manic', but it's not that. It's just a shot of positive energy that comes over me and that can help me move enormous mountains in no time, if you know what I mean. :laughing:
 
#16 ·
Peanut and everyone else.... there are NO others like us. We are one of a kind and others find it hard to relate to our upbeat, quirky, funloving nature. I too feel alone if I don't get texts.....like when you say happy birthday to everyone on your facebook (even not the close friends) and then almost no one says it to you? meh.. petty, but I think we NEED, CRAVE, THRIVE on communication of any sort.. so I hear you all and feel the exact same way...
alone time that I WANT is ok, but generally, I NEED human ppl, contact, IM's, txts, msgs..... and I am 49 so go figure!!! it is the same for all of us at ANY age.

hugz Lynn:wink:
 
#17 ·
I have other best friends that are live in the same town as me and they're always together. Like they'll go and hang out with each other a lot and almost never invite me with them. Its just weird because this didn't start happening until this spring before we graduated. I'm always the one who has to come up with plans to hang out if I ever want to meet up with them at all. I even kind of got into a fight with one of them about it, and we made up and I'd thought that they'd try to invite me a lot more but I found out from the other one that they went out together to a resturant just a few weeks ago. I mean I'd love to go out with them but they never text me anything about it. I love those guys and they've been in my life since freshman year and we were sooo close and it just seems that they keep getting close with each other and and leaving me out. It sucks.
 
#18 ·
You're a lot like me

Peanut11, One of the things I love about this forum is how people expose their vulnerabilities. I don't know if it's low self esteem that makes us think the worst about ourselves, or if we have such a genuine need to have our tanks filled with affirmation and affection, that without it we naturally feel 'weak'. Less extroverted types don't seem to need it like we do, but they suffer too, if they don't get what they do need. Maybe we're just more aware and more likely to go out and get it.

I think we're drawn to our opposites in friendships because they balance us out. Their quiet strengths appeal to our outrageous talkative electricity! But then we long for someone like us who connects as we do. They are out there and if we're patient and aware, we'll meet them eventually.

I have to remind myself, that as hard as it is for me to be distant from people, it is just as hard for others to draw closer. So don't get discouraged, Peanut11. Some of the introverted ones will contact you more often if you let them know you need that to feel loved. It depends on the depth of your relationship and the limits of being what we are. Thanks for being so open about your insecurities. That's a real strength of ENFPs. You enjoy the day too!
 
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#19 · (Edited by Moderator)
Crzysttrchr, you're right about how unique we are! I bet there's probably some statistical info to support that. We keep the world shaking and happy and fun! That's one of the best things about us! I really enjoyed your post! I'm in my 40s too and have swung to the far side of ENFPdom. After years about being what I needed to be, but with great restraint, I'm totally ENFP and probably seem to have less depth than I used to. I think that's why I'm happier being alone lately. Because I want to be myself and it's worth it to me to be alone at times, rather than bogged down trying to reign in my nature for anyone else. Have a wonderful day!

And a goofy side effect is that all my siblings and lots of other relatives think I seem younger today!
 
#22 ·
This is a really awesome read. I just graduated college, and with the whopping 19.7 % of people earning degrees in 2009 finding jobs, I am on the majority side of the jobless. Now with out regular contact from people in school I am losing all my creativity and bounce, and I am really depressed. I keep telling my family ( moved back home) that I need to be in a community of people. That is really what I desire, I want a real community it is something that I have been looking for for quite some time, and i am always disappointed on not finding one.

A bunch of my friends moved away after graduating, so now i find myself really considering my options. I really need to find a community of people to exist in. All of the happiest times in my life are with in big groups, and big group activity.
 
#23 ·
Wow. It's weird how much I can relate to all of these posts. I find it weird how other people can have such close friends but I am only called upon for parties and other adventurous activities. My week nights are usually spent watching tv with my roommate. I don't know if this is of my own doing though. I remember having a really close group of friends growing up but after high school I moved away because I was bored. I notice that people with close friends that are always together usually have a long history and wonder if it is not that they don't like me but that we just don't share the same bond. I wonder if it is because of our personality and our passion for new and different relationships that causes this. It is reassuring, though, to know that I am not the only one that feels this way and has this problem.
 
#24 ·
I'm strongly identifying with you guys, it's almost like talking to yourself, but it's so comforting to know other people who feel just like you.

I've found a book, that I think is going to be very useful to me. Some of it is a bit dry, but as I was reading it I kept seeing passages that applied to my own weaknesses or ummm opportunities for improvement if you prefer.

Self Esteem by Matthew McKay, PH.D

Amazon.com: Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem (9781572241985): Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning: Books
 
#29 ·
I'm strongly identifying with you guys, it's almost like talking to yourself, but it's so comforting to know other people who feel just like you.

I've found a book, that I think is going to be very useful to me. Some of it is a bit dry, but as I was reading it I kept seeing passages that applied to my own weaknesses or ummm opportunities for improvement if you prefer.

Self Esteem by Matthew McKay, PH.D

Amazon.com: Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem (9781572241985): Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning: Books
I bought that book too. I hope it sheds some light.

My mom said I might have self esteem issues. She feels I need way too much validation and input and this needs to get energized doesn't sound healthy. I'm not sure about that, it does make my life a living hell at times but so what, what if I'm meant to be a healer, helping whoever I can. It almost feels like this self esteem thing is counter nature to us but society presses it upon us.

I'm glad I found you guys, at least now I know I'm not a 33 yo guy going crazy :) This self doubt and need for others is not considered very manly around here. :D
 
#26 ·
I feel like my creativity and happiness plummet when I'm isolated for any length of time, even though I do need time alone. I love to camp alone and be in nature alone.
Yeah, people that know me don't understand why I'll take random "self" days. Here I am mr.Social Butterfly and one day people will be calling about Saturday only to hear that I'm going to sit on my butt and do nothing but BE...and do that alone. It doesn't seem to make sense that such a social person needs time apart from social stuff, but oh how we do and we'll go crazy if it's nonstop social contact everyday.

Once again that introverted feeler calls us to our alone time. Just not THAT much alone time.
 
#27 ·
being a single mum i can relate to everything everyone is saying. i can't just swan off to see friends whenever i like and for some reason they rarely call into me. someone said to me before that people just don't realise that i get lonely cos i seem so strong and i do tend to disappear for a time so it's probably my own fault. i often dream about living in a comune. all the women in the kitchen preparing the dinner chatting away and the kids off playing. i hate the way we've progressed as a species with everyone locked away in separate houses and everyone feeling lonely. it's not natural i tells ya!
 
#28 ·
Okay, so I've read through a good amount of these posts and I noticed that my ENFP friend has a lot of these same problems. For example, she's going through the beginnings of a relationship with this boy. When she doesn't get texts from him or she isn't doing anything, she'll get these ideas in her head that she's going to screw things up, that she's a bad person, that because she's so indecisive she'll never be able to commit to anything. The thing is, how do I help her get over this? My T-based solutions are doing absolutely no good and neither is the advice of our other friends. How do I get her to chill out when she won't listen to anything anyone says?
 
#30 ·
Sorry to revive an old thread, but its relevant to my situation now. Im not an ENFP, im an INTP, but my girlfriend is an ENFP and shes having self-esteem problems. She hates that she gets her self-esteem from others, and is hopeful that she can find a way to get her self-esteem from herself, rather than through her partners (me) but one of the ways she thinks she might be able to achieve this, is through being single. Do you guys think this is actually a possibility? Could she overcome the fact that she mainly gets her self-worth from other people? And could she overcome this whilst being in a relationship with me?
 
#31 ·
My dad made a comment to me the other day -- "I don't know why you're so insecure, as parents we've done nothing but validate and support you, your entire life."

I remember being more self-confident as a child, but when I hit my teen years, my insecurities came to the forefront and I became terribly self-conscious about everything, and fearful of being criticized. Others affirm me quite often, but it never seems to matter if I'm in a dark place myself. (If *I* think I'm terrible, others thinking me otherwise does NOTHING for my mood.)

I think part of my problem is that my Ne blows up things to melodramatic levels, making even minor flaws in myself seem HUGE, so obvious that others SURELY see and judge me for them!

Something I've learned, though, is that self-criticism and putting oneself down is

a) really, super annoying to the people who love you (I hate it whenever my friends put themselves down, then turn around and do it about myself?!)

b) insulting to the people who compliment you (if they say you're wonderful, and you deny it, or put yourself down, you're basically telling them, "Your opinion doesn't matter to me")

Honesty and humbleness about oneself is always a good thing. But being self-demoralizing is really just a form of ego -- pride in being wretched, or imperfect; you're making it all about you, all the time, when it's better to focus on things outside yourself.

I find I'm more self-confident when I'm not surrounded by negativity and I have things to focus on; it's when I introspect (Fi) too much, and become disconnected from doing or experiencing or learning things, that I become excessively self-critical and full of self-loathing. :p
 
#32 ·
I'm not insecure, and I found out through the absence of people for the first time in 2014 how strong I was. I've always been with a person. My ex would live with me, or I would have a roommate, but for about a couple of months in 2014, I was alone. It's not my preference, but I found out that I could do it.

When alone don't watch Law and Order SUV. I would lock all the doors and hide under my blankets lol. I think that had more to me being a female than an ENFP.

Other than that I found out I have a very healthy self-esteem.
 
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