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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I need enfp advice.
I have a problem. A big one. One that left me with an ache in my heart. I feel absolutely stupid after this happened. To summarize quickly from start to finish basically I'm caught in a romance with a good enfp friend of mine. We've been friends for almost 3 years, not such close friends that we knew everything about eachother but we would hang out occasionally, we even had a class with eachother which is actually how we met. We met freshmen year first period cooking class. He approached me so smoothly and confidently and just started talking to me. I was quite confused why he would approach me out of everyone else in the class but he did. After he innitiated he started getting a little quieter and I guess you could say nervous? Anyways, I had no interest in him in that way at all but I was still really friendly and polite. There were many times he volunteered to walk me home, and he did, I still had no interest in him. So I didn't treat him as a love interest. Still just a friend. After semester 1 was over, he moved schools but still visits to this day, but only because his friend group goes to my school, and I recently joined the friend group because my best friend recently started dating one of the guys. Anyway, we all hang out often but not all the time, every few days/ weeks. I then started catching feelings for him, it's because he brought up a very deep and spiritual topic that caught my attention instantly, it was the way he approached the topic and how knowledged and passionate he was, I always thought he was really cute and hilarious (he can do anything and it will put a smile on my face) but it wasn't anything deeper than that, but now I can feel myself falling. Ever since then I couldn't approach him the way I used to, I'm nervous around him and quiet, thought I can still keep a conversation. We started texting everyday about only deep things. Long paragraphs. Whenever we meet in person though, it's only playfulness and jokes, occasional deep stuff. It hasn't just been me and him together in person for months now (friends always get in the way of our connection) so it's hard to be flirty and show him affection around all our friends. I can be so open and charming with anyone except for someone I like. Anyways, I take things really slow because I need to be one on one with someone face to face in order to show how much I can actually care for them (only if I have feelings for them) but he sorta took it fast (yes we've been friends for almost 3 years but he still doesn't know who I am as a person. He doesn't ask me deep questions, like my thoughts or whatever, I'm usually the one doing that so I'm feeling stuck) and then sent me a heartfelt paragraph( not gonna lie, made my heart burst to the point where I couldn't reply for like a whole day, of course didn't leave him on read though) My response was absolutely cold, I didn't reciprocate. The whole thing started because I asked him "if you were to not receive love your whole life, would you ever be able to love" I wasn't intending it towards him, it was a question that I just wanted to see his thoughts on, but then he responded with something so poetic and lovely, a subtle confession (but it wasn't "hey I like you a lot" he basically just told me what he loves in a person andhow he'll know that she's the one. Sounded a lot like me though cuz he mentioned something I once did). AND I RESPONDED WITH "I'm sorry, i didn't mean you in specific" and more excuses and I tried clearing up what I meant. And he just responded with "I know" and then the conversation went downhill from there. I hated how awkward it was so I just told him I had to go to bed, he didn't respond and he still hasn't, and it's marked as read. It's been 3 days and I feel anxious and just terrible. I always initiate with texting so I'm doubting that I should initiate again since we left off on awkward terms. But I don't want things to just end like that. I don't want him to lose feelings because I definitely haven't lost mine. I loved the experience while it lasted but it didn't end up anywhere. I've never been in a relationship so I honestly don't know what to do. I didn't expect this thread to be so long but I need specific answers. What should I do? I can't flirt through text I just can't. I need eye to eye contact.
 

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I think you hurt his feelings when you said that you didn't mean him. That's how I would read it, but I'm socially awkward, so may not be the best interpreter.

Anyway, I think you should go for it. Lay it all out on the line, tell him how you feel. It sounds like the feelings are mutual. But first ask yourself, is ruining a friendship worth a chance at love? because you risk that as well.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Yea that's what I thought! I knew that I could have hurt his feelings but I genuinely didn't have a response (at least over text) :( I don't know how to approach him anymore or initiate. It also sorta hurts that I always have to initiate. He never texts first and it makes me think that he doesn't care. After he texted "I know" we texted a few minutes more but i just felt that deep connection slowly disappear. He became more blunt and his texts were short. This is over Facebook btw, and so he went offline for a good 30 minutes so I said that I was off to bed and goodnight and he didn't respond. He always says goodnight or morning or something. He's never left me on read before. Today he put this on his status and I really don't get it : "like a little mand in a conu holding a bar bell" I was thinking maybe he was high or drunk? But maybe he meant to say "canoe" ??? He sometimes makes his statuses about me. He once wrote "you can never get friendzoned if you value the girl you like as a friend" and he does this thing where when I like something on Facebook he shares it. And also our friendship always seemed like a love sorta thing more, I just never reciprocated because I never saw him that way, but I always knew he had a crush on me. His best friend is dating my best friend and he told her that he liked me at one point too.
 

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If he's not starting conversations with you, or txting you first than he's either not into you, or he's shy. Most of my friendships are like that :'-(
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
He initiates in real life, not through text. Hes always around me and follows me where I go. He always does that thing you enfps do to catch someone's attention. He always stands next to me and makes me hold something of his or he does things just to see if I'm watching him. And he's extremely observant. Every conversation I've had with him gets brought up again in the future. He uses words that I use that he's never used before, like nifty for example. (Idk if that's a sign) he does get pretty silent around me. When we're in our group of friends he always singles me out. Always has tbh. He also tries to sound smart and philosophical around me as if he's trying to impress me. He misuses big words too to sound extra smart. When it's us as a group he always glances at me quickly. And he always tries to make me jealous by talking to the girl next to me and pretending I don't exist or something, but if I'm listening to the convo he's having and say something he'll giggle or something. He shows all the signs that he likes me, but doesn't initiate in text.
 

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He initiates in real life, not through text. Hes always around me and follows me where I go. He always does that thing you enfps do to catch someone's attention. He always stands next to me and makes me hold something of his or he does things just to see if I'm watching him. And he's extremely observant. Every conversation I've had with him gets brought up again in the future. He uses words that I use that he's never used before, like nifty for example. (Idk if that's a sign) he does get pretty silent around me. When we're in our group of friends he always singles me out. Always has tbh. He also tries to sound smart and philosophical around me as if he's trying to impress me. He misuses big words too to sound extra smart. When it's us as a group he always glances at me quickly. And he always tries to make me jealous by talking to the girl next to me and pretending I don't exist or something, but if I'm listening to the convo he's having and say something he'll giggle or something. He shows all the signs that he likes me, but doesn't initiate in text.
It sounds like he does like you... but, people get confused by ENFPs. I think we like everyone to like us, and we can come off as flirting when we are just being friendly.

I still think you should share your feelings with him though.
 

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He sounds like me. Texting is hard because it is ultimately unfulfilling communication. I'm highly observant as well and texting is not engaging enough stimulation to make it rewarding/worth the energy... and I'm a writer!!!! Texting is for one-way communication and not two-way. That's why 1) it's hard to engage conversation and 2) it's hard to reply in conversation. He obviously uses plenty of tactics for commuication such as body language, atmosphere, and tone in order to read into you and be engaged.

The truth is social media isn't social. He's investing too much for too little (that's how they get you addicted) and is left feeling drained after X amount of time of trying to make real conversation work using only text. Like I said, I'm a writer. I write then others read. There is no replying because it's one-way communication and not two-way. Technology is trying it's best to replace standard engaging conversation but I think one day when everybody gets it... it's going to die as people abandon it for more engaging social atmospheres in reality. That's the big difference between simulating reality and experiencing reality... one makes you feel alone and the other energized you because you feel connected. People are now "escaping" INTO reality with things like Tinder. Then we are left with the problem of casual encounters also being disengaging because of "the game" of cat and mouse that must be played so it's hard to feel connected when having sex even - which is SUPPOSED to be the most connecting experience.

Long story short: texting is disconnecting and if he doesn't want to text then that means he doesn't want to disconnect more from you. Which in the world of reality is a good thing.
 

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He sounds like me. Texting is hard because it is ultimately unfulfilling communication. I'm highly observant as well and texting is not engaging enough stimulation to make it rewarding/worth the energy... and I'm a writer!!!! Texting is for one-way communication and not two-way. That's why 1) it's hard to engage conversation and 2) it's hard to reply in conversation. He obviously uses plenty of tactics for commuication such as body language, atmosphere, and tone in order to read into you and be engaged.

The truth is social media isn't social. He's investing too much for too little (that's how they get you addicted) and is left feeling drained after X amount of time of trying to make real conversation work using only text. Like I said, I'm a writer. I write then others read. There is no replying because it's one-way communication and not two-way. Technology is trying it's best to replace standard engaging conversation but I think one day when everybody gets it... it's going to die as people abandon it for more engaging social atmospheres in reality. That's the big difference between simulating reality and experiencing reality... one makes you feel alone and the other energized you because you feel connected. People are now "escaping" INTO reality with things like Tinder. Then we are left with the problem of casual encounters also being disengaging because of "the game" of cat and mouse that must be played so it's hard to feel connected when having sex even - which is SUPPOSED to be the most connecting experience.

Long story short: texting is disconnecting and if he doesn't want to text then that means he doesn't want to disconnect more from you. Which in the world of reality is a good thing.
Really interesting read, thanks
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
He sounds like me. Texting is hard because it is ultimately unfulfilling communication. I'm highly observant as well and texting is not engaging enough stimulation to make it rewarding/worth the energy... and I'm a writer!!!! Texting is for one-way communication and not two-way. That's why 1) it's hard to engage conversation and 2) it's hard to reply in conversation. He obviously uses plenty of tactics for commuication such as body language, atmosphere, and tone in order to read into you and be engaged.

The truth is social media isn't social. He's investing too much for too little (that's how they get you addicted) and is left feeling drained after X amount of time of trying to make real conversation work using only text. Like I said, I'm a writer. I write then others read. There is no replying because it's one-way communication and not two-way. Technology is trying it's best to replace standard engaging conversation but I think one day when everybody gets it... it's going to die as people abandon it for more engaging social atmospheres in reality. That's the big difference between simulating reality and experiencing reality... one makes you feel alone and the other energized you because you feel connected. People are now "escaping" INTO reality with things like Tinder. Then we are left with the problem of casual encounters also being disengaging because of "the game" of cat and mouse that must be played so it's hard to feel connected when having sex even - which is SUPPOSED to be the most connecting experience.

Long story short: texting is disconnecting and if he doesn't want to text then that means he doesn't want to disconnect more from you. Which in the world of reality is a good thing.
Wow, I really appreciate this. I feel more confident. And maybe the longer I stay loyal to him, the more he'll stick around and the harder he'll try? I'm not so easy to spill my feelings, that's why I don't want to tell him just yet, I'm not even sure if I want to be in a relationship anytime soon. I also don't wanna ruin it by making it easy for him, I want him to dig deep into my feelings and discover things himself. I don't wanna give in just from a romantic text that wasn't even clearly stating his feelings towards me. He's also pretty serious with this whole relationship thing too. Girls are always making moves on him but he always rejects them, he's been single basically his whole high school experience.. except for this one time but that lasted like 3 days. So the connection we have together can't just be forgotten about just yet right? Im just worried that he's not mature enough to realize that you can't get what you want when you want it. Some enfps love the chase but some are probably sensitive about it I'm guessing, I hope he loves the chase. I hope he doesnt lose those feelings too, I heard enfps can move on quite quickly. I also told him that I didn't like texting and that texting doesn't show emotions. He agreed. Well I guess I'll just be patient. I'm really glad that you responded because I'm really good at pretending I don't like someone even if I really do, and I would have probably done that the next time I were to see him and that wouldn't have been good. And it's not even the silent treatment, cuz thats I guess sorta a phase in the whole romance thing that can be misunderstood as playing hard to get. But I would have probably just treated him as a friend and acted as if this whole thing never happened.
 

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Wow, I really appreciate this. I feel more confident. And maybe the longer I stay loyal to him, the more he'll stick around and the harder he'll try? I'm not so easy to spill my feelings, that's why I don't want to tell him just yet, I'm not even sure if I want to be in a relationship anytime soon. I also don't wanna ruin it by making it easy for him, I want him to dig deep into my feelings and discover things himself. I don't wanna give in just from a romantic text that wasn't even clearly stating his feelings towards me. He's also pretty serious with this whole relationship thing too. Girls are always making moves on him but he always rejects them, he's been single basically his whole high school experience.. except for this one time but that lasted like 3 days. So the connection we have together can't just be forgotten about just yet right? Im just worried that he's not mature enough to realize that you can't get what you want when you want it. Some enfps love the chase but some are probably sensitive about it I'm guessing, I hope he loves the chase. I hope he doesnt lose those feelings too, I heard enfps can move on quite quickly. I also told him that I didn't like texting and that texting doesn't show emotions. He agreed. Well I guess I'll just be patient. I'm really glad that you responded because I'm really good at pretending I don't like someone even if I really do, and I would have probably done that the next time I were to see him and that wouldn't have been good. And it's not even the silent treatment, cuz thats I guess sorta a phase in the whole romance thing that can be misunderstood as playing hard to get. But I would have probably just treated him as a friend and acted as if this whole thing never happened.
3 possible outcomes
1. He thinks you are playing games and gets turned off
2. Another girl comes along, and they end up dating instead, because you weren't upfront about things
3. You get friendzoned

It sounds like you don't want a serious relationship at this stage anyway. But if you wanna be with this guy before someone else gets to him, you might have to start something. You can still enjoy the early stages of a relationship and take it slow by getting to know each other, while letting your feelings known.

And I mean, how can you be sure this guy is even an ENFP? I'm not even sure of my own type, let alone someone elses.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
3 possible outcomes
1. He thinks you are playing games and gets turned off
2. Another girl comes along, and they end up dating instead, because you weren't upfront about things
3. You get friendzoned

It sounds like you don't want a serious relationship at this stage anyway. But if you wanna be with this guy before someone else gets to him, you might have to start something. You can still enjoy the early stages of a relationship and take it slow by getting to know each other, while letting your feelings known.

And I mean, how can you be sure this guy is even an ENFP? I'm not even sure of my own type, let alone someone elses.
What should I do to let him know that I like him without being too obvious? I mean, things would get boring for me if it all happened so quick. I want things to stay fun for the both of us. We can still be friends and then something awesomely romantic happens while we're hanging out and then things can extend from there. Whenever we do hang out, things are just so awesome, explosions of happiness and good times, and it is pretty obvious that I like him, I show signs.

And I'm so sure that he's an enfp, his dreams, his outlook on life, his goals. Everything. He said that he just wants to have a deep human connection and that there's only one person that he feels like that with. He always says things that make me wonder. Things that could mean like 5 other things. If I were to explain who he is in more detail, you'd know he's an enfp. My mom is an enfp and they both remind me of eachother.
 

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What should I do to let him know that I like him without being too obvious? I mean, things would get boring for me if it all happened so quick. I want things to stay fun for the both of us. We can still be friends and then something awesomely romantic happens while we're hanging out and then things can extend from there. Whenever we do hang out, things are just so awesome, explosions of happiness and good times, and it is pretty obvious that I like him, I show signs.

And I'm so sure that he's an enfp, his dreams, his outlook on life, his goals. Everything. He said that he just wants to have a deep human connection and that there's only one person that he feels like that with. He always says things that make me wonder. Things that could mean like 5 other things. If I were to explain who he is in more detail, you'd know he's an enfp. My mom is an enfp and they both remind me of eachother.
I'm just worried that someone else will come along, and he'll fall for her, while wondering what is going on with you. It sounds to close to playing games. He is obviously into you, and it sounds like you hurt his feelings before. I'm not really sure how the chase works, maybe someone else can explain? although, it sounds like hes already had a big chase, hasn't he liked you for three years?!?
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Ugh idk how to clear things up! I just want to see him in person to talk to him about it more in depth. And in those 3 years, sooooooo much was happening. His friend was into me so he didn't make a move or anything cuz his friend was pretty crazy about me, really clingy... we all always arranged to hang out. We hung out almost everyday. but I was crushing on a completely different guy. It was all so messy. He wasn't necessarily chasing me, he just gave me a lot attention when i was around, more than anyone else. There was even a rumour within our friend group that we were dating, I was actually really mad at that idea, he probably found out. And I understood that he liked me, but I had absolutely no interest in him romantically. I also do remember him being really upset with me and avoiding/ignoring me whenever he saw me. I waved to him all excitedly and said hi and he completely ignored me. Hurt. I was really confused and I didn't understand why he was acting that way because I knew him as a really bubbly energetic guy. Wow the more I tell you about this, the more I remember all the crazy memories we had.
 

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He doesn't ask me deep questions, like my thoughts or whatever, I'm usually the one doing that so I'm feeling stuck) and then sent me a heartfelt paragraph ( not gonna lie, made my heart burst to the point where I couldn't reply for like a whole day, of course didn't leave him on read though)
ENFP's tend to hesitate in love whether they should make it clear or not that they're interested. They can be rather shy and that's maybe why he doesn't want to persist by asking deep and personal questions. Then he'll wait for you to give any sort of signal that you're open for this part of a conversation. We're good communicators, but only if the other is giving enough information how to communicate, otherwise we will fall into "default" mode aka being friendly, playful and nice.
Don't be afraid to give him hints towards a certain form of conversation, starting the topic yourself will help him a lot too, but is normally no requirement. Unless he is insecure about you or unsure of himself.

My response was absolutely cold, I didn't reciprocate. The whole thing started because I asked him "if you were to not receive love your whole life, would you ever be able to love" I wasn't intending it towards him, it was a question that I just wanted to see his thoughts on, but then he responded with something so poetic and lovely, a subtle confession (but it wasn't "hey I like you a lot" he basically just told me what he loves in a person andhow he'll know that she's the one. Sounded a lot like me though cuz he mentioned something I once did).
If he likes you like you think he does, then he is definetly fishing for feelings or hints. Well t his is obvious :p He was trying to catch any hint from you to initiate a conversation about it. He must have had some hunch about your feelings to do this, or he was just plainly courageous (probably the latter, seeing your whole situation).

AND I RESPONDED WITH "I'm sorry, i didn't mean you in specific" and more excuses and I tried clearing up what I meant. And he just responded with "I know" and then the conversation went downhill from there.
Yah that was dumb :p Whyyy did you do that?? :p

Anyway, to clear up this problem you'll have to be open and honest about it all. I think you'll have to confess to him in person why you were so dumb and why you think you were dumb in the first place. He is probably overthinking right at this moment that you're not interested and he's searching for any hope to cling onto that you just might be interested. Give him this hope and be clear about it. Do it in person if you prefer face to face talk. Tell him you're SORRY (we appreciate this) - and just be honest about your motivations and reasons. Make it clear to him why you were panicking etc...

ENFP's tend to move on pretty quickly, so don't dwell on it for too long! Be quick with it.

Edit: what @chickydoda said about the possible outcomes is very true (and the rest too). That's why you'll have to be quick with it. His feelings are probably going downhill right now, so catch him before it's too late, or he'll be disinterested. He won't mind your presence, and he'll be willing to meet you. So do it as soon as possible!

Also, this advice counts if he is really an ENFP, though. Other types might react differently.
 
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Ugh idk how to clear things up! I just want to see him in person to talk to him about it more in depth. And in those 3 years, sooooooo much was happening. His friend was into me so he didn't make a move or anything cuz his friend was pretty crazy about me, really clingy... we all always arranged to hang out. We hung out almost everyday. but I was crushing on a completely different guy. It was all so messy. He wasn't necessarily chasing me, he just gave me a lot attention when i was around, more than anyone else. There was even a rumour within our friend group that we were dating, I was actually really mad at that idea, he probably found out. And I understood that he liked me, but I had absolutely no interest in him romantically. I also do remember him being really upset with me and avoiding/ignoring me whenever he saw me. I waved to him all excitedly and said hi and he completely ignored me. Hurt. I was really confused and I didn't understand why he was acting that way because I knew him as a really bubbly energetic guy. Wow the more I tell you about this, the more I remember all the crazy memories we had.
What exactly is ''the chase"? can you define what it looks like?

I think if someone is interested in you for three years and has to work to get your interest, he has been chasing you. You just have to be willing to be caught. It isn't fair to keep him hanging, he has every right to go for another girl, because he's probably confused as hell. The time he's been waiting for you, he could have been with someone else. It's like, if I like someone, and they don't like me back or aren't ready to date me, they can't expect me to sit around and wait, because the day they are ready might never come.

If you think you aren't ready for a relationship, maybe its because you don't have any experiance with it, and the only way to get experiance is to be in a relationship. Just think of it as a friendship where you set goals together, vacation together, adopt animals, kiss and hold hands. If you are good friends already, it isn't such a big leap from where you are now.
 

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Wow, I really appreciate this. I feel more confident. And maybe the longer I stay loyal to him, the more he'll stick around and the harder he'll try? I'm not so easy to spill my feelings, that's why I don't want to tell him just yet, I'm not even sure if I want to be in a relationship anytime soon. I also don't wanna ruin it by making it easy for him, I want him to dig deep into my feelings and discover things himself. I don't wanna give in just from a romantic text that wasn't even clearly stating his feelings towards me. He's also pretty serious with this whole relationship thing too. Girls are always making moves on him but he always rejects them, he's been single basically his whole high school experience.. except for this one time but that lasted like 3 days. So the connection we have together can't just be forgotten about just yet right? Im just worried that he's not mature enough to realize that you can't get what you want when you want it. Some enfps love the chase but some are probably sensitive about it I'm guessing, I hope he loves the chase. I hope he doesnt lose those feelings too, I heard enfps can move on quite quickly. I also told him that I didn't like texting and that texting doesn't show emotions. He agreed. Well I guess I'll just be patient. I'm really glad that you responded because I'm really good at pretending I don't like someone even if I really do, and I would have probably done that the next time I were to see him and that wouldn't have been good. And it's not even the silent treatment, cuz thats I guess sorta a phase in the whole romance thing that can be misunderstood as playing hard to get. But I would have probably just treated him as a friend and acted as if this whole thing never happened.
Basically following up all the earlier great reponses, you'll have to be in person, upfront and personal, and give hin the ultimatum. You either date me, or you die. Plain and simple. But also try those things I bolded. Do follow through, but if you really wanna snag this one before the 30% off sale ends, it's your time.
 

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Call him, say: "I want to talk, can we meet?" and talk with him eye to eye. Maybe you don't have to flirt. Tell him what you feel about him. Maybe tell him about how you felt when he brought up that deep subject and how you enjoy his company and what he means to you. I think it is good to be honest and straightforward so you don't miss each other again with missunderstandings.

I know I have lost several people that I really like just because that we both haven't shown what we want and I regret it.

Good luck! :)
 
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