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Discussion Starter #1
So I'm totally new here, and yall seem like really great people on this forum, so I figured I'd post this issue, since the ENFP/INFJ relationship seems to be a hot topic around here, and if someone is interested enough to post then cool. I figure it'd be nice to hear advice from people such as yourselves based on what yall know of personality types... Here goes.

My best friend for the better part of a decade is an INFJ. Best thing ever. Our friendship is legendary among my circle of friends, he's practically a brother to me. This is a little weird since immediately after meeting him and striking up a friendship at the age of twelve, his dad packed his family up and moved them 3000 miles away for work, so our entire friendship practically has taken place via the phone. I am not proud of the phone bills I have racked up before my family gave up and got me an unlimited cell phone. Anyhoo, he recently went through a relationship that neither person was mature enough for, and eventually it fell apart and she wanted to end it. He was unwilling to let go, and as a result began pulling silly stunts to get her attention and get her back. These were hurtful to her, and she - just wanting to move on with her life - asked me (we are friends) to ask him to stop. Add this to my own perspective of their relationship which had been obviously spiraling down for a few months, and that I am protective of all my friends, especially those whom are girls, and suddenly I had bit of a bone to pick with him. After all he's my best friend, and I really don't like seeing him doing something wrong like this.

Next day comes, and my best friend calls me, pleading with me to get him in contact with her again, and I took the opportunity to tell him - albeit a little too forcefully and dramatically - that he was doing the wrong thing by pursuing her, that he was hurting her by what he was doing and needed to stop. It was a big deal. He hung up on me for the first time in over eight years of long distance friendship. Anyhoo, long story short, he won't speak to me. It's been seven months and all I have to show for it is a couple of facebook messages discussing our feelings (because we are Feelers). I did what I did because I believe it's what he needed, a wake up call, and he got it together almost immediately after that conversation, absolutely making everything right he could, but I'm afraid I may have irrevocably hurt his feelings and that I may have become a casualty of my actions, and our friendship along with me. I can't express how lonely I am without him, even surrounded by other friends I am missing the most important friend to me of all. I have faith that he will come around given time, but I'm worried that he won't be the same even after we can talk again.

Anyhoo, I don't expect someone to post the perfect cure-all for exactly my situation; I'm looking for insights into my situation, either INFJ's who might think they know what's going on in his head, and how best I can meet him where he's at, or maybe even an ENFP (like myself) who has one such friend and has maybe gone through something like this... and can offer me some hope :unsure: Anything anyone has to say would be really welcome!
 

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I can understand some of the pain you're most likely feeling at the moment.

In my mind, what I imagine is this: suppose I'm your closet friend and you 'told' me as 'dramatically' and 'forcefully' that I was 'wrong' for pursuing this particular woman. Perhaps what you did wasn't the best strategy even though you meant well. I can imagine your friend was convicted that he was 'right' (though I feel you were in the right). For you to say that to your friend must have crushed him. "What? How could you say this to me? I expected this from you!" was most likely in his mind at the time. Perhaps he expected something from you that you did not deliver at that time (and you wouldn't have known!).

At some point, you'll want to tell him how much he means to you. I feel that you are sincere about that, and if you can express the depth of your sincerity to him and express how important he is to you as his friend there is a chance. As an INFJ, I hold those who at their hearts are sincerely appreciative of my friendship close. I hope that you and your friend will reconcile because I understand how important it is to have that 'one' friend that is like your confidante and metaphorical sibling. Without them, life is so hard and lonely even if you're paying your bills on time, spending time with your other friends and doing genuinely well.
 

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Well, the thing you need to keep foremost in your head is that INFJ men fall HARD into love. It took me a very long time to learn to step back and keep my distance. We're very choosy, and we tend to feel betrayed if we let someone into our lives and then they hurt us.

We can be control freaks when not properly grounded. We're so good at reading people that sometimes we get blinded by our own egos and opinions and have a very hard time letting go. We think that our love is the best in the universe, and that women are nuts for not wanting it.

You simply need to tell him that he is acting like an ass, and that if he truly cares about her, he'll give her space and cut off contact. You need to play to his ego and his integrity. If you make him feel bad (and rightfully so) about not moving on and what he's doing to his ex, his own self-censorship and honor will take root. But don't stop talking to him, because it will probably take him a lot of time to get over the whole thing. Basically, you need to tell him that he's better than this. But be gentle, and remind him that your friendship will outlast any of the crap that's going down right now, and that you're telling him these things because of your friendship.

It might also be helpful if you could refer him to a sympathetic female friend. It's good to get a woman's side of the issue, and female contact will help his mind realize that not all women hate him :) Just be careful that it's not a woman he might be attracted to, as we also can fall victim to rebound mentality. I know from experience that having female friends has greatly helped my own personal growth and dating life.

Anyway, I hope this helps ;)
 

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The INFJ Cut-Off

hi there,

this is actually my first forum posting, but was compelled to share this as i had just been reading about this very issue yesterday. while i don't like the derogatory term for it, INFJs may sometimes cut people off for various reasons and at various times in their lives. i was in a fantastic relationship with an INFJ and while both of us knew it needed to end, we dealt with that differently. My INFJ cut me off initially and I found that incredibly hurtful. luckily, my sister is an INFJ, so i thought i might understand where that came from... now, my ex and i are friends, and i will always have a place there in my heart...

i can only imagine how hard it is not to have contact with your friend, to know that there were hurt feelings despite your wish for him to be his best self. sometimes it seems as though delivery method is key...

this is the forum thread from another site. i hope that's not bad etiquette!
oh dear. i tried to post a link in here and i don't have enough postings. if you google "when infj doorslams you/cuts you out of their life/breaks off contact" you'll get the thread...

best to you,
emelita
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Thank you all so much, especially SuperunknownVortex and variableresults for their perspectives as INFJs. I really do care a whole lot about this friend, so much so that I'm willing to do what it takes to keep our friendship alive, even if it has to lay dormant for a while. What all of you are saying is putting my mind at great ease, since some of your suggestions I have already done, but didn't mention (the message was long enuf as it was methinky) things like finding him female friends for support. Knowing that cutting me off is something other people like him tend to do also puts my mind at ease, and Super's comment about expressing that I care about the friendship is perhaps the greatest ray of hope in the whole bunch. I intend to tell him just how much I care about his friendship and miss it the moment he begins speaking to me again. Thank you all again so much, yall may be complete strangers but I appreciate you lending me some measure of support in this rather dark chapter in my life. I can't say how lonely it is, even surrounded by my other friends. Anything else anyone has to say would be awesome. :happy:
 

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Thank you all so much, especially SuperunknownVortex and variableresults for their perspectives as INFJs. I really do care a whole lot about this friend, so much so that I'm willing to do what it takes to keep our friendship alive, even if it has to lay dormant for a while. What all of you are saying is putting my mind at great ease, since some of your suggestions I have already done, but didn't mention (the message was long enuf as it was methinky) things like finding him female friends for support. Knowing that cutting me off is something other people like him tend to do also puts my mind at ease, and Super's comment about expressing that I care about the friendship is perhaps the greatest ray of hope in the whole bunch. I intend to tell him just how much I care about his friendship and miss it the moment he begins speaking to me again. Thank you all again so much, yall may be complete strangers but I appreciate you lending me some measure of support in this rather dark chapter in my life. I can't say how lonely it is, even surrounded by my other friends. Anything else anyone has to say would be awesome. :happy:
I'm glad that my words could be of some comfort :) I hope everything turns out alright!
 

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Thanks man for the advice and support for a stranger. And I too hope it all turns out. I figure heck, a year can solve anything right? I mean I'm like 21 so EVERYTHINGS the like MOUNT DOOM END OF THE WORLD! But I know he'll come around. It just sure sucks to be me in the meantime...
 
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