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Hi there. I'll apologize for the nature of this topic in advance. But basically after a very strange few weeks at uni culminating last night with let's say, a funny turn.. ENFPs with bipolar disorder and similar mental/emotional illnesses, how do you experience these? What was the onset of this like for you? I'm so embarrassed and scared after last night's antics* :crying:


*after copious amounts of alcohol I ended up crying and screaming about how I wished I'd never been born, punching inanimate objects and babbling to anyone who'd listen, crying and rocking on a picnic table in full view of everyone, self-harming and then climbing over a barbed wire fence, after which I walked through a field talking to myself for hours.
 

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*...I ended up crying and screaming about how I wished I'd never been born, punching inanimate objects and babbling to anyone who'd listen, crying and rocking on a picnic table in full view of everyone, self-harming and then climbing over a barbed wire fence, after which I walked through a field talking to myself for hours.
You took the brown acid, didn't you... :shocked:
 

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Then again, so do other types.... :happy:
Story time? :blushed:

(I actually have a serious response to this thread, but I'm not in the mood for it so y'all gone have ta wait.)
 

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Alcohol releases repressed shit most people have buried. It doesn't have to be any sort of crazy repression, it could be a multitude of things you have kept inside. But you may need to stay away from alcohol until you figure out how to balance the highs and lows. If you are on medication, you shouldn't be drinking period, just makes things ten times worse.

Exercise and surrounding myself with people who accept me helps to balance the highs and lows too. They exist and never go away, just part of life, I gladly accept it.
 

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Exercise and surrounding myself with people who accept me helps to balance the highs and lows too. They exist and never go away, just part of life, I gladly accept it.
I think this bit here ^ is the most important advice that those who experience highs and lows could ever receive. Exercise helps to elevate your mood, but even that won't help if you're surrounded by negative/abusive people and enablers. But the most important factor is to fully accept yourself, because once a person has done this then they will take the necessary precautions towards maintaining their health for as long as possible. They'll take their medicine. They'll go to their therapy appointments. They'll not smoke weed, pop pills, or get drunk. They'll not surround themselves with people who take advantage of them while they're in a state of mania or depression (or any other time for that matter).
 

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Don't feel bad. I got upset about something last night, cried for two hours, got in a fight with my sister, swore I was never talking to anyone again, read a whole lot of threads on here, started to feel better, decided I was going to stay up and tidy my room, felt better, washed the dishes and then *gasp* it was 6am already (we had daylight savings this morning). I then had a sleep, woke up, fought with my sister again, then spent the next four hours curled up in my closet crying- two of those without blankets, pillows or anything to do. I then decided I didn't want to waste the whole day, so I went outside, watched some baby chicks, put together a desk that my parents brought me (reluctantly) and well here I am.

The point is... Bipolar is unpredictable. Its different for everyone. Some days you feel/act/seem completely normal. Others, you feel like you're on top of the world and the smallest things make you happy. Other days, its a struggle just to get out of bed, eat breakfast and get dressed.
Do you have type 1 or 2? I lean towards Depression (so 2). Yesterday I went for a driving lesson and I hadn't had enough sleep and I nearly crashed the car. I thought the brakes weren't working and went through a busy intersection. I thought I heard things that weren't there. I'm not usually that loopy when I'm short on sleep, but it does happen and its a dangerous state to be in.

Bipolar is...
-People loving you when you're up, ignoring you when you are down.
-Having ideas, vision etc that you can't fulfil yourself because working too hard can make you manic or depressed.
-Loneliness and neediness
-Never really knowing if you're sane or not
-Unexpected side effects from medications, such as trouble maintaining your weight, or weight gain
-People seeing you as having it all together and being successful, charismatic etc, having no idea what you're really like
-Being dangerously impulsive
-Sleep deprived
-Seeming perfectly fine on the outside to people you only see you for brief periods of time, then being judged for not getting/holding down a job
-Walking around with a stigma attached to you/being discriminated against because of what other people with Bipolar have done
-Wondering if you are going to be homeless one day
-Wondering if you are going to be eligible for sickness benefits tomorrow
-Being ill and a little bit crazy but not taken as seriously as someone with something like diabetes or cancer
-Having a higher rate of suicide than the rest of the population
-Being a burden on your friends and family
-Having more problems than you know how to fix
-Getting stressed/irritable really quickly
-Paranoia
-Struggling to follow basic routines every single fricken day of the rest of your life like getting up at a certain time, brushing your teeth, putting on make-up, filling in a mood diary, getting enough exercise etc
-Getting tired after only being out of bed for two hours, or having more and more energy as the next three days go on and not sleeping at all

(Ok, maybe some of these are just MY problems, although I'm sure they are common)

Its frustrating. There's good stuff and bad stuff, but mostly bad stuff. You can get good things out of it if you like looking for silver linings, like meeting interesting people, developing greater empathy, getting more done in shorter periods of time (when you're manic), experiancing a level of joy and optimism at times that others can only dream about, but let's be serious, at the end of the day, its still an illness.

When I was first diagnosed and I was on a Christian high, I convinced myself that God allowed me to have Bipolar so I could reach out to other people with it and help them in some way. I counted it as a blessing, and in one way it was good to view it in, but in another, it was ignoring the seriousness of the condition and pretending that I was in control and actually HAD the ability to help others.
 

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Ermegerd, I went batshit when I was 17.

Complete disregard for all logic and boundaries, and I went too far.

I almost got kicked out of Marching Band because of something I said (even though it was total bullshit because I got in trouble for instigating that he was basically an evil prick, and he even agreed to it, but then went behind my back and blamed his crimes on me, f***ing d*ckwad).

And because of this instance I was pestered about it. This made me not do well in school, because I had turned to art instead of doing schoolwork. Then I was getting behind in my grades, which made me more depressed and anxious, and by this time I was down and out. I talked to my best friend a lot, just so that I wouldn't have to think about how much my life sucked at the moment (which was really selfish, and something that I apologized for later on). So I started to talk to him for at least 2 hours every day, which became a tremendous strain on his life, and he could tell that I was getting crazier. Apparently around February I had lost all meaning and concept of reality and I was being a big emotional tax on my friend, whose life was also starting to get out of control at the time. So, he broke off all contact, which was really a shitty thing to do out of nowhere (and he apologized for that later on) and it devastated the fuck out of me.

What followed was a week of Bi-Polar outrage. The day he stopped talking to me I cried in my room for 45 minutes. The next day I cried in one of my high school classes, loosing breath and voice. One hour later I was literally dancing in the halls. I started scribbling things down all the time. At the time we were covering modernist poetry in English class and so I took a leaf from them and started churning out poetry. I'm glad I had that to turn to when nothing else was there otherwise I would have kept on having bipolar episodes.

I cried a lot in public after that too. It was really embarrasing. Once I was working in a library, well kind of working, I hardly cared enough to work anymore, but the whole class was there and I made some sort of quip about a book that was mentioned, it was a book called the Electric Kool-Aid acid test, and I said "that sounds like a cool book." The teacher just got really frustrated and told me to go sit away from the rest of the class. I was so overcome by grief by this, being shunned by the teacher that I looked up to. I cried so hard after that, I had to talk to another kid just to get me to calm down. An hour later and I was fine. Like nothing had ever happened.

I never got over these episodes and they climaxed over the lackluster Summer I had, where I had a huge confrontation with my family. After that I started the healing process, and I eventually became more mentally stable. I had a big problem with depression, I spent most of my time indoors, until I had my whole world flipped upside down when I moved to Chicago and started smoking weed regularly. I'm still battling depression right now but I'm making progress, there was a bunch of fucked up shit that happened in my life, mostly because of being unable to adapt to social situations. I'm thinking mostly this has to do with how I didn't want to become emotionally callous. That's almost like being dead to me, as I'm sure it is for you others out there, and because of that I was bullied starting at 3rd grade.

Really I should have started therapy when I was young, but my family really didn't believe in that stuff, only in the divine power of prayer.

So now I'm a little strange but ENFP's hardly ever go through life unscathed, as do bad things happen to good people.

So as far as the "feeling" of the bipolar, it has to deal a lot with the self. Because of the intense emotional changes, you almost feel like you're being Schizo, because you are so aware of your emotion, it makes you feel like you are two different people battling it out against each other. It's really just the emotional amplifier ENFP's have, so it takes control. You try to bring your emotions to order, which brings talking, usually out loud. The difference between schizo is that it's not another person or personality you're talking to, you're literally judging what you should feel like, and judging is not what P is for, so it really goes no where (I.E., OP's example of talking to himself in a field for hours).

If you have any other questions, let me know.
 
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