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Discussion Starter #1
Do you do online dating?

How has you experience been so far?

Have you had any relationships or even a common law or marriage out of it?




(Forgive me if a similar post has been made before, would seem to be a topic already asked but I can't find it.)
 

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I don't know how others view online dating, but I personally think of it kinda like a game in a way. Which you know might not be the best approach. It's a fun way to met people, but I don't take it all that seriously myself
 

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Haven't done that but if I was single, I guess I'd give it a try. There's one thing which could bother me about this a bit - that I don't have any context information about the person, while meeting a new person IRL, there's always some background information available which you can read and use - for example, body language and the way they're speaking to you. I guess it'd save a lot of time because no need to "decipher" the person if they don't send proper signals and could be not suitable for you :)
 
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No- considering the fact that I never actively look for a partner, I prefer for things to happen genuinely when it comes to relationships


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
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I did. I was 26. My aunt put me up on a site since she thought me not having many dates would not do anymore. Lol. and I’m glad she did. I thought if I got on there it would make me feel desperate. What it did was awesome. I no longer felt like I had to think too much about the dates I had. If it wasn’t going smoothly, I could move to the next guy. This started to allow me to truly date mindfully because there was abundance. I didn’t have to worry about when the next date would be and it gave me confidence. It also allowed me to meet lots of very different guys and as long as they met my rules that I set at the beginning I went out with all sorts and learned from it. I didn’t worry if they weren’t “my type” or something... that’s kind of surface stuff anyway. There’s more to getting along than that and I felt like i really appreciated each of these guys in their own way and gave them a good shot. It also helped me get over some of my nervousness, because I was often really nervous. Girls were the minority in online dating then.

A couple of times guys who I had known or been acquaintances with for a while asked me “Why are you doing this?” And I would say “Because Im ready to get married and I’m sick of waiting around. I want to find him. ” And then these guys would ALSO ask me out which I thought was kind of funny, but also kind of cool. I really felt a lot of benefits from online dating at that time. It just took the worry out of it and I was glad there was something I could do that legimately gave me more choice.

I had rules that made it easier as well. Always meet in a public place. The guy had better ask me out within 3 messages or less. If long-distance had better call (video chat wasn’t really something people did in 2002). I was not looking for a pen pal. I was not looking for a guy that didn’t take me out and this rule streamlined everything. interestingly for you @Moby I remember one guy I went out with told me I’d be off the market in a month. He said he saw it over and over. He was kind of sick of that. Interesting guy, though, ENTP and a dermatologist. He spoke super fast and I felt a bit stupid around him to be honest, but I think actually although it wasn’t working for me, he knew what he was after. I can tell because of the way he treated his sister in law who was sweet. He wanted a feeler. I really do appreciate each guy that I dated during that time.

Within a month I found a few people who I wanted to continue with and then I narrowed down from there to one guy who actually was long distance and he and I started talking marriage and went to meet up in Vegas. At that point I told everyone online that it was time for me to get offline and discontinue with them and put everything into the one relationship.

He was not the one for me which became more obvious as we went along and then for sure in person. He was an Si dom... and very exacting about what a woman should act like. I thought he was ISFJ because of how loving he could be, but I now see that it was likely his Fi unfolding. Anyway, emotionally over the phone and internet an ISTJ relationship can feel like a Fi-Te/Te-Fi mash up which was beautiful, but in person then the “things” and the “information”, the Si and Ne stuff did not work at all. I felt like he was very exacting/controlling and he was baffled that I didn’t wear a watch or have a nice suitcase... and the communication outside of a Fi-Te context was horrible. I knew immediately in person that I could not talk theoretically with him... I shut down basically. The physical chemistry wasn’t bad and he held my hand the whole time which I was very grateful for because I was nervous as all get-out and that was a problem as well.. but it is not what killed it. What killed it was me not feeling able to really express or actually I see now in the DaveSuperPowers sense that I couldn’t “play” (which means I couldn’t bounce questions and ideas back and forth and that’s one of my top qualities).

I met my husband in real life about 1 1/2 weeks later.

What kind of things are you interested in knowing?
 

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Discussion Starter #6
I had rules that made it easier as well. Always meet in a public place. The guy had better ask me out within 3 messages or less. If long-distance had better call (video chat wasn’t really something people did in 2002). I was not looking for a pen pal.

What kind of things are you interested in knowing?
Well that was a great writeup! I'm similar to you in that I like to get to the date and not waste time being pen pals but I also think your rule of 3 messages is quite quick. I've been admonished by several women for asking them out anywhere between 2-5 messages, them thinking it was so short of time I didn't want to get to know them and wanted just a hookup. So your perspective on the other side is interesting, though I couldn't do that myself.

I have found COVID19 has changed the dating world a ton. Waaaay more woman than a year ago just want to be pen pals. I've asked a few out, but they seem to go "yeah that sounds fun but COVID" or "I felt a little sick, need to wait a few weeks" or other excuses. On July 3rd I did meet the woman I was single most excited about EVER on online dating and we had a great date but (and I may have mentioned this somewhere here) she felt we were too similar and couldn't grow together. She came off as INTJ to me but somehow tested as INTP.

I know have several chats going with several attractive women who don't seem motivated to meet.
 

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@Moby. That’s interesting. Covid times are different for sure.

My thinking is that people’s way of writing is only a part of them. I can imagine a lot of people thinking it’s more than that.. I can imagine some people thinking that writing is “the real person” but to me it is far from the whole deal. Writing doesn’t show you how introverted or extroverted someone is. It doesn’t show you if they are willing to try new things or if they find the same things funny or how willing they are to be goofy. Not enough anyway. Sharing a laugh through writing is nothing like finding out how accepting and or warm they are in real life and how they deal with the people around them. Even though I’ve gotten to know lots of people in PerC very deeply but I know that if I met them in person I’d probably feel that finding their writing interesting was only 1/4th if their personality. There would be so much more to interact with and experience in real life. A good writer is not necessarily a good person and vice versa. I think someone I could write to for years online I might find out wouldn’t work within 5 minutes in real life and someone I didn’t pay attention to for more than 5 minutes on forums like this might be someone who I would love forever. I don’t think most people realize this kind of thing, though. Especially introverts. I think they think they can tell from the writing. I’m saying this because of a whole thread on... I think the INFJ forum once? Or maybe it was on a discoed channel? Anyway they were saying if the guy couldn’t entertain them through writing then forget it.. but entertaining in real life is very different, in my opinion. There’s that whole “play” dynamic. The back and forth conversation and questions that it is not possible to reproduce from forums like this.

I got my 2 rules from a book called “The Rules of Online Dating” written by a pair who wrote a best seller called “The Rules”. I could look it up, but maybe you should look it up since I’m hoping to write this and get to sleep. Lol. Anyway, I personally found 3 messages or less adequate for my purposes. But you have to cater to every girl, it’s too bad the pacing of things isn’t more standard across the board. It is hard for men and for anyone to find out some of the things that an individual expects are universal but that in reality is very personal like pacing in dating.
I did discover a guy who I still maintain was a psycho and likely violent or rapist. I have no proof, but I didn’t let up until I’d really found out a lot from him one night instant messaging and although he didn’t admit to any of that, after he had told me a few really messed up things he had done and experiences then he REALLY wanted to meet me in a park late at night and he was so crazy to get me there that he didn’t even realize that he sounded crazy.. he would not let it go. He basically threw a tantrum that I had to come to the park because he had told me things he had never told anybody. I absolutely refused, thank heavens. I hope other girls figured it out. His profile was immaculate. Too good to be true...the perfect mix of accomplishments and artisticness and humility .. so... meeting somewhere public always is a good rule to keep.

Again... excellent experiences. I would recommend it to anyone as long as they keep safety first.

So..., @Moby? What are you learning from it?
 
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@Moby. That’s interesting. Covid times are different for sure.

Again... excellent experiences. I would recommend it to anyone as long as they keep safety first.

So..., @Moby? What are you learning from it?
There are a few lessons I've learned on online dating. The first is that it's like tennis - if a girl is interested in you she'll always end a message in a question and if you do the same it keeps going back and forth until you just know she's willing to go out. It's VERY rare someone outright denies a date to me on online dating. I believe it may have only been once. I've had some flakes and pen pals who just brush off the request and keep talking but otherwise when someone is truly interested it's easy to see.

Secondly, I've learned to not put too much stock into first dates. This sucks because mine by any measure I can see as a social individual with my ENFP social skills that many of my first dates seem great by any measurement I can think of or find suggested to me online. It's only after, later on, does it fall apart for reasons that sometimes I know or not.

Thirdly, I've learned intuitives such as myself often make it clear on their profiles and we seem to find each other and match with each other by swiping or otherwise.

Those would definitely be the main things I've learned so far.
 

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There are a few lessons I've learned on online dating. The first is that it's like tennis - if a girl is interested in you she'll always end a message in a question and if you do the same it keeps going back and forth until you just know she's willing to go out. It's VERY rare someone outright denies a date to me on online dating. I believe it may have only been once. I've had some flakes and pen pals who just brush off the request and keep talking but otherwise when someone is truly interested it's easy to see.

Secondly, I've learned to not put too much stock into first dates. This sucks because mine by any measure I can see as a social individual with my ENFP social skills that many of my first dates seem great by any measurement I can think of or find suggested to me online. It's only after, later on, does it fall apart for reasons that sometimes I know or not.

Thirdly, I've learned intuitives such as myself often make it clear on their profiles and we seem to find each other and match with each other by swiping or otherwise.

Those would definitely be the main things I've learned so far.
What if you’ve got the science down for finding and dating someone for 1-3 dates... but what if.. as a concept...the optimum method to lock down a second date might be one of worst ways to secure the 16th date and beyond or something? I’m trying to think of a good analogy. Basically maybe the strategy/technology to catch the biggest fish is a different strategy/technology than to catch as many fish as possible in the shortest amount of time?

I think it would be a good brainstorm. Maybe even the girls who are interested in DTR within 2-3 dates is maybe less long-term thinking than the girl who is frightened by a pace like that?

Also I think another thing to brainstorm is what you are truly looking for. Not just someone willing to be dated but what you truly want and what kind of things are red flags?

I don’t know, but this same method hasn’t worked for a while so the plans would likely benefit from a shake-up.

Another question to ask yourself is if you really just enjoy the pursuit right now? When you get sick of it might actually be the point where you are able to figure out exactly what you want.

I hope you get my questions for you at this point and also see that I do hope you find and build a happy relationship
 
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I think it would be a good brainstorm. Maybe even the girls who are interested in DTR within 2-3 dates is maybe less long-term thinking than the girl who is frightened by a pace like that?

Another question to ask yourself is if you really just enjoy the pursuit right now? When you get sick of it might actually be the point where you are able to figure out exactly what you want.

I hope you get my questions for you at this point and also see that I do hope you find and build a happy relationship
Yeah, I get what you're saying. I guess I was ever so slightly exaggerating. I mentioned DTRs on dates 2-3, well, really the true DTRs have been dates 3-5. That might make no difference, it's that in my last two relationships we decided to stop dating other people after date #2 which naturally led into a date #3 DTR.

I'm definitely finding the kind of person I'm looking for EXCEPT it's not working out. I'm finding beautiful intuitives who I get along with great and we have great first dates together. What I'm struggling to find is that but someone that stays excited and keeps pursuing time with me as I with them. Also, once in the relationship, trouble finding someone willing to compromise to keep it going or else just accept me as I am.

I don't have any answers right now on it.
 

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@Moby I am kind of double-writing in the other thread, sorry... but since it is time for a mix up maybe shift your focus away from “beautiful intuitive” which is probably only 1/2 of who a person is that you want and shift over to figuring out each girl’s values and how those work with what you have envisioned for your future.
 

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@Moby I am kind of double-writing in the other thread, sorry... but since it is time for a mix up maybe shift your focus away from “beautiful intuitive” which is probably only 1/2 of who a person is that you want and shift over to figuring out each girl’s values and how those work with what you have envisioned for your future.
Yeah, I haven't usually worked out well with sensors but I by no means will turn one down. I am just arranging a date with someone I think is an ISFP for next weekend which should be interesting.
 

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Yeah, I haven't usually worked out well with sensors but I by no means will turn one down. I am just arranging a date with someone I think is an ISFP for next weekend which should be interesting.
No I mean...what if you really focused on figuring out the values that matter to you and that you want to teach your future children and then focus on finding out if your date shares those values. I’m an ENFP, sure, but that’s only a part of what you can know about me. There’s all these values and expectations that are so unique to each person. Start with your own values, though. What would just make you so sad if your kids didn’t have or understand something? What do you hope to give them? What would you want their mother to be like? It’s a whole different way to look at a person. Start with you and see if the person in front of you can help fulfill those things and Id say don’t be exclusive until you know they can.
 

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honestly i think online dating is stupid; but talking consistently with friends online is fun; although, I think its better when they are interested in the same things.
 

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I've met a couple people via online under the guise of not dating, which makes sense as to why nothing came about them despite being 'attracted' to one.

Lately(for awhile now), I've been thinking on whether to join some site(s) specifically for that, but I really don't know what the reason for it would be other than sex. It's like, I think about how I live my life by myself, and how easy things are compared to when I was in a relationship so, what advantages are there in the long haul for me. Really?

It just seems too stressful having to do things like reorganize the fridge, closets, cabinets, furniture if there's any; and halve most, if not all spaces, share the bed etc... and then there's also the wonder about their actual hygiene habits when they stop trying to impress you, like mfer, do you even wipe down the toilet after you use it and wash your hands too?

Not to mention I find I barely have enough time to do time-wasting things on my own, how the hell am I gonna incorporate somebody else's activities into my daily structure of a wanton manner? Of course if I don't bother with dating seriously, how would I realistically find somebody that's somewhat of a match and worth giving up some of those luxuries for? idk, I think I just haven't reconciled in my mind whether or not I actually even want too...
 

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Yeah if you're thinking of the utility then there's those downsides. But if you're both working, then the benefits are pretty big. Rent is less per square footage per person, and food scales well; so you're paying more total, but less per person if you're with someone else. Plus you have someone else to help with the house work and stuff. I won't lie... the utility thing is one of the main reasons why I'm interested in dating.

But yeah not needing to worry about someone else is really awesome


and then there's also the wonder about their actual hygiene habits when they stop trying to impress you, like mfer, do you even wipe down the toilet after you use it and wash your hands too?

ehmn.... no comment lmao
 
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