[Tridentus]

There are certain things in life you know you aren't good at nor are interested in, certain things in life you can be good at but must work on and cannot be avoided, and then there are certain things in life that you are bizarrely naturally good at and feel oneness with. you feel so good and natural doing it that it's almost hard to believe how easily it comes to you.

That is how i feel about being a dad- just like i felt about teaching and social care before i'd even done them- to find them strangely fitting and even exhilarating once i'd experienced them. since i was probably 16-17 i've felt in my heart that being a dad would be the best thing to happen in my life and the best achievement i could have, i don't know how i know but it's there in my gut. the day i can truly be fulfilled is the day i have a child with a woman i love and start a family. it might be strange to express that feeling at the age of 20, and don't get me wrong i don't feel i'm anywhere near ready in terms of life experience, and indeed right now i would be scared crapless by a commitment anywhere near that scale, but it's one of those steps in life that you know is there, and when you are ready and it arrives it's going to be just the most wonderful thing. i don't have complacencies about parenthood but i certainly back myself to be the best possible dad- i know it's something which i will have a natural instinct for.

Even these days, living under my mother's roof whilst i study i find myself giving my mother parenting advice ABOUT ME (my mother being not the most worldly person of middle-age)- and that is a frustrating experience.

how do other ENFPs feel about parenthood? what are your experiences? how do you feel about the job your parents did?

 

[Enfpleasantly]

I think I'm a very understanding and dedicated Mom. I insist on understanding my kids individually and I never assume I'm doing the best I could be. I am always open to learning and adjusting my parenting if I think it would benefit my children.

I put a lot of effort and time into learning about parenting styles that will give my children a sense of confidence from my unconditional love for them. I want to try to identify their cognitive functions so I can meet their individual needs and understand them. I also use Unconditional Parenting (Alfie Kohn) as a tool in parenting my boys.

I approach parenting like this: my boys will always make me proud and my only hope for them is happiness. I do not care if they have impressive careers, big houses, fancy cars, lots of kids, etc. etc. All I want for them is to be happy...that is what will make me happy. I don't need to tell my friends that my son is a Doctor, lawyer, actor, whatever, in order to feel like I did my job as a Parent. I think my children knowing that I don't put that kind of pressure on them makes them happy kids. Each of them have very ambitious life goals so far and even if that changes, my love for them won't...and I make it a point to let them know that.

I am very against conditional parenting (perceived or real) and think it is very damaging to a child's self worth.

I need major improvement in my level of patience. I feel the need to rush my kids for no apparent reason and I get flustered when I feel overwhelmed . I am working at improving that though. If I find that I'm rushing my kids around or I lose my temper, I make it a point to acknowledge when I made a mistake. I also have no issues whatsoever with taking responsibility and apologizing to my kids when I have lost my cool. I have read that doing this lowers pressure in kids and helps them to not beat themselves up when they make a mistake.

Lastly, I praise effort and not grades; this is also one of Alfie Kohn's teachings, and I strongly agree with it.
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/15/health/15mind.html
Alfie Kohn - Unconditional Parenting

All in all, I see myself as a fun, creative Mom who ultimately wants her children to know they are loved no matter what. I'm not perfect, but I'd say I'm doing a pretty good job so far

As far as my Parents...well, they did what they thought was best. I didn't feel understood growing up and they didn't seem to make any effort to understand me. That's probably why parenting my kids according to their individual needs is so important to me.

I bet you'll be a great Dad!

 

[Tridentus]

@Enfpleasantly
From reading your piece i can already tell you must be a great mom- particularly when you feel the need to acknowledge and improve on your faults, i feel that's the best attribute you can ask from a person.

Whilst i love my mother more than anything in the world, i do sometimes wish she knew some of the things you knew.

That part about praising effort and not grades is something i'm only recently learning- i can now feel happy if hypothetically i try my damndest and get a B grade, as long as i know i've tried my honest best; and i believe that's the only thing anyone should feel proud of achieving.

 

[Sunbeam]

There are certain things in life you know you aren't good at nor are interested in, certain things in life you can be good at but must work on and cannot be avoided, and then there are certain things in life that you are bizarrely naturally good at and feel oneness with. you feel so good and natural doing it that it's almost hard to believe how easily it comes to you.

That is how i feel about being a dad- just like i felt about teaching and social care before i'd even done them- to find them strangely fitting and even exhilarating once i'd experienced them. since i was probably 16-17 i've felt in my heart that being a dad would be the best thing to happen in my life and the best achievement i could have, i don't know how i know but it's there in my gut. the day i can truly be fulfilled is the day i have a child with a woman i love and start a family. it might be strange to express that feeling at the age of 20, and don't get me wrong i don't feel i'm anywhere near ready in terms of life experience, and indeed right now i would be scared crapless by a commitment anywhere near that scale, but it's one of those steps in life that you know is there, and when you are ready and it arrives it's going to be just the most wonderful thing. i don't have complacencies about parenthood but i certainly back myself to be the best possible dad- i know it's something which i will have a natural instinct for.

Even these days, living under my mother's roof whilst i study i find myself giving my mother parenting advice ABOUT ME (my mother being not the most worldly person of middle-age)- and that is a frustrating experience.

how do other ENFPs feel about parenthood? what are your experiences? how do you feel about the job your parents did?

I feel the same way. I can't wait to be a mom someday. Well, I can, but it's going to be such an amazing, beautiful experience that I look forward to it greatly. I've been planning my kids names since I was in like 1st grade, lol. I want to have at least 5.

 

[Zeptometer]

I feel the same way. I can't wait to be a mom someday. Well, I can, but it's going to be such an amazing, beautiful experience that I look forward to it greatly. I've been planning my kids names since I was in like 1st grade, lol. I want to have at least 5.

*sigh* great, someone else contributing to the overpopulation of the world.

Also, take it from a fifth son, 5 kids is too many.

 

[Sunbeam]

*sigh* great, someone else contributing to the overpopulation of the world.

Also, take it from a fifth son, 5 kids is too many.

I hope that all my kids will be kind children, so their existence will make the world a better place than if they were never in it. And how do you know I want to have all my kids biologically? Maybe I want to adopt a few?

 

[Zster]

"... and the reason we have five kids is because we do NOT want six!" (from "BillCosby, Himself")

Sorry, I could not resist!

I was dead set against ever becoming a parent. I had a deep down fear that I would be too much of a push over to avoid raising spoiled willful morons, plus there's that whole cleaning up after the pukes thing (shudders). I even married a guy who shared my views on not having children

UNTIL, after 10 years of marriage, he changed his mind! I gave myself a 2 month window to "see what happens", after having been on the pill for a gazillion years (thought the risk was pretty low). Long story short, I am now the happy mom of two kids. Not only did my husband change his mind when I did not think I wanted kids, but he also passed from cancer, leaving me to raise these two by myself!

I am glad to say that I did not end up being a push over, and so far, my kids don't try to get away with murder. They seem to be bright, witty, kind people. I am LOVING sharing my life with them! I have tried to keep a balanced parenting style: allowing them to mess up and learn from their mistakes, but not at great expense to others or at great risk to themselves. I WONT let them be inconsiderate to others (ONE loud sound from either, and we would leave a restaurant). I have considered them their own people and allowed them choice in their lives since day 1 - even when there are lessons in said choices. All in all, we laugh a lot, toe the line when we have to, and talk nonstop (son is an ENFP). I always wanted two things for my children: laughter in the household, and absolute confidence that they are loved. So far, that seems to be working out.

The parenting thing has proven to be an adventure I never could have dreamed up. I will be forever changed and grateful for the experience.

 

[The King Of Dreams]

Ever since I was a little boy I wanted to be a dad. I grew up in a single parent household and I always wanted to give my kids a life that I didn't have. One with a loving, affectionate father who was very involved in their life and who did all he could. I hope to be a dad someday.... I hope I have the PRIVILEGE of being a parent :happy:

 

[Enfpleasantly]

"... and the reason we have five kids is because we do NOT want six!" (from "BillCosby, Himself")

Sorry, I could not resist!

I was dead set against ever becoming a parent. I had a deep down fear that I would be too much of a push over to avoid raising spoiled willful morons, plus there's that whole cleaning up after the pukes thing (shudders). I even married a guy who shared my views on not having children

UNTIL, after 10 years of marriage, he changed his mind! I gave myself a 2 month window to "see what happens", after having been on the pill for a gazillion years (thought the risk was pretty low). Long story short, I am now the happy mom of two kids. Not only did my husband change his mind when I did not think I wanted kids, but he also passed from cancer, leaving me to raise these two by myself!

I am glad to say that I did not end up being a push over, and so far, my kids don't try to get away with murder. They seem to be bright, witty, kind people. I am LOVING sharing my life with them! I have tried to keep a balanced parenting style: allowing them to mess up and learn from their mistakes, but not at great expense to others or at great risk to themselves. I WONT let them be inconsiderate to others (ONE loud sound from either, and we would leave a restaurant). I have considered them their own people and allowed them choice in their lives since day 1 - even when there are lessons in said choices. All in all, we laugh a lot, toe the line when we have to, and talk nonstop (son is an ENFP). I always wanted two things for my children: laughter in the household, and absolute confidence that they are loved. So far, that seems to be working out.

The parenting thing has proven to be an adventure I never could have dreamed up. I will be forever changed and grateful for the experience.

I can only imagine how hard it must've been losing your Husband, and especially with young children. It sounds like you're doing a fantastic job, and I find it interesting that our goals in what we want for our children is very similar.

 

[Tulipgarden]

"... and the reason we have five kids is because we do NOT want six!" (from "BillCosby, Himself")

Sorry, I could not resist!

I was dead set against ever becoming a parent. I had a deep down fear that I would be too much of a push over to avoid raising spoiled willful morons, plus there's that whole cleaning up after the pukes thing (shudders). I even married a guy who shared my views on not having children

UNTIL, after 10 years of marriage, he changed his mind! I gave myself a 2 month window to "see what happens", after having been on the pill for a gazillion years (thought the risk was pretty low). Long story short, I am now the happy mom of two kids. Not only did my husband change his mind when I did not think I wanted kids, but he also passed from cancer, leaving me to raise these two by myself!

I am glad to say that I did not end up being a push over, and so far, my kids don't try to get away with murder. They seem to be bright, witty, kind people. I am LOVING sharing my life with them! I have tried to keep a balanced parenting style: allowing them to mess up and learn from their mistakes, but not at great expense to others or at great risk to themselves. I WONT let them be inconsiderate to others (ONE loud sound from either, and we would leave a restaurant). I have considered them their own people and allowed them choice in their lives since day 1 - even when there are lessons in said choices. All in all, we laugh a lot, toe the line when we have to, and talk nonstop (son is an ENFP). I always wanted two things for my children: laughter in the household, and absolute confidence that they are loved. So far, that seems to be working out.

The parenting thing has proven to be an adventure I never could have dreamed up. I will be forever changed and grateful for the experience.

Oh, wow, my first thought is this: What a blessing to have a part of your husband forever.

I can't imagine how hard it was to lose your husband and your children to lose their father. It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job!