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Discussion Starter #1
ENFPs are said to hate conflict. I know I do. I suspect that some of you (I'm looking at you, @Muchaparadox, @Paradox1987 and @AceFace) have learned to handle it much better than I.

How do you deal with conflict?
What are most of your conflicts about?
Do you go out of your way to avoid conflict?
What tips or lessons have you learned that have improved your ability to deal with conflict?
Any other random ENFP thoughts about conflict?
 

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Discussion Starter #2
Okay, I found this at the following link Marriage Attributes Compatibility Test ENFP!! Do any of these points ring true or false, to you?

ENFP Conflict Reactions Personality Traits:

  • ENFP will likely feel uncomfortable, misunderstood in conflict
  • ENFP will likely take the conflict personally
  • ENFP will want to find a harmonious solution to the problem
  • ENFP will not usually take the most logical approach to finding the solution
  • ENFP can be extremely emotional in conflict
  • ENFP may prefer to avoid the conflict
  • ENFP may determine initially that holding onto the marriage/relationship is more important than the conflict
ENFP Conflict Resolution Activity Personality Traits

  • ENFP will naturally consider the feelings of others in conflict resolution activity
  • ENFP will treat all parties kindly and fairly
  • ENFP will focus on people centered issues
  • ENFP will not typically look for logical solutions to the conflict
  • ENFP will search for the idealistic, romantic, optimistic, beneficial (harmony) solution
  • The ENFP will likely avoid any criticism in their conflict resolution activity, unless stressed
  • ENFP can be very creative in conflict resolution activity
ENFP Likely Positive Solutions Will Be>
Fair, reasonable, considerate
Idealistic, naïve, unrealistic
Perceptive, discerning
Harmonious, cordial, agreeable, affable
ENFP Conflict Resolution Activity-Improvement Opportunities (weaknesses)

  • ENFP will typically overlook more logical solutions
  • ENFP may take the situation extremely personally
  • ENFP may not see the details of the situation
  • ENFP may begin by talking all around the central problem
  • ENFPs are likely to decide too quickly because of the pain
  • ENFP will probably discount, ignore, disregard, and overlook solutions that are logic-centered
  • ENFP may overstate, embellish, the degree of hurt feelings
  • ENFPs may ignore the situation if it hurts too much
  • ENFPs may not state their thinking directly, in details thus can be difficult to follow
 

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How do you deal with conflict? I learn from it and remember.

What are most of your conflicts about? Speaking up about something.

Do you go out of your way to avoid conflict? No, but I used to avoid it except for with people I was extremely close to. I don't seek out conflict, but I don't run from it anymore either.

What tips or lessons have you learned that have improved your ability to deal with conflict? Never regret speaking up..even if it doesn't go over well. You can learn how to say it better next time, or perhaps better timing, circumstances, etc., but NEVER regret it. If you start holding yourself back when you feel strongly, or you start regretting speaking up, you might start suppressing your Te rather than strengthen it. Of course, that doesn't mean speak without a filter; I just mean, never hold back your opinion out of fear.

Any other random ENFP thoughts about conflict? Not allowing others to walk on you, or speaking up for what you believe in, even if it's not the popular opinion, doesn't and won't make you a mean person. You will still be you, except you will have a voice to go along with that beautiful depth you've got going on :)
 

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ENFPs are said to hate conflict. I know I do. I suspect that some of you (I'm looking at you, @MuChApArAdOx, @Paradox1987 and @AceFace) have learned to handle it much better than I.

How do you deal with conflict?
What are most of your conflicts about?
Do you go out of your way to avoid conflict?
What tips or lessons have you learned that have improved your ability to deal with conflict?
Any other random ENFP thoughts about conflict?
First i want to make this clear for everyone to see. In my reality i don't have issues with confrontation, because its something i rarely experience. And if and when it happens, i stand my ground. Likely strong Fi. ( maybe once a year, at best )

Confrontation on an internet site is much different. In reality when people have opinions, there isn't 2 3 hundred other people lurking around listening to your conversations. Here our thoughts are exposed for everyone to see, its easy sitting behind the PC when feeling pissy to respond, because here there isn't any real consequences. In reality we have to learn to modify our behaviour, and be more respectful towards people. Not to say we shouldn't do that here, because if we can , we should. Trying to get a message though via text isn't always easy either. So much can get twisted around, taken out of context. I observed this causes many of the confrontational moments between people. Tone of voice, the context of how things are expressed and so on can spark negative reactions that have no intentions behind them. I've been on the giving and receiving end of both.

I've had the pleasure to speak with some great people here about the negative actions and reactions of members. I was given some great advice how to avoid people who are ignorant, people who are toxic and how i should put them on ignore. I have.

How do i handle it, well i wouldn't handle it the same way here, as people here can make it too easy ;) cough* at times. Although in the real world where it really counts, surround yourself with good people. If you're in the company of people you admire, respect, and love, there shouldn't be any reason for any fighting or confrontations. And if it comes up, although its never pleasant, don't let people rail road you. Stand your ground even if you're standing alone. If you can at all, ignore them, because it really isn't worth your time or energy. Walking away doesn't make you weak, it makes you better for not engaging in things that at the end of the day mean total " squat "
 

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How do you deal with conflict? I learn from it and remember.

What are most of your conflicts about? Speaking up about something.

Do you go out of your way to avoid conflict? No, but I used to avoid it except for with people I was extremely close to. I don't seek out conflict, but I don't run from it anymore either.

What tips or lessons have you learned that have improved your ability to deal with conflict? Never regret speaking up..even if it doesn't go over well. You can learn how to say it better next time, or perhaps better timing, circumstances, etc., but NEVER regret it. If you start holding yourself back when you feel strongly, or you start regretting speaking up, you might start suppressing your Te rather than strengthen it. Of course, that doesn't mean speak without a filter; I just mean, never hold back your opinion out of fear.

Any other random ENFP thoughts about conflict? Not allowing others to walk on you, or speaking up for what you believe in, even if it's not the popular opinion, doesn't and won't make you a mean person. You will still be you, except you will have a voice to go along with that beautiful depth you've got going on :)
Have i told you lately how i love the way you think. I really admire your thoughts, so just wanted to put that out there <3
 
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I think the fact that various ENFPs feel quite differently about conflict, how much it bothers them, and how to handle it is almost entirely due to differences in enneagram type. The most stereotypically conflict-phobic type is 9, so any ENFP who has 9 in their tritype will likely hate conflict. But if you replace that 9 with, say, an 8, they'll probably tackle it a lot more head-on, taking it in stride. So that's what you see in the 7w8 ENFPs, who seem the most aggressive.
 

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How do you deal with conflict? Head on, I hate conflict so I just try to get it over and done with if I have to approach someone with something they don't want to hear or both of us don't want to talk about. If someone starts attacking me, I listen to what they have to say but if I don't think what they are saying is true then I will stand up for myself.

What are most of your conflicts about? Misunderstandings, feeling used by people who want manipulate me into doing things they want, people lying to me or keeping information from me

Do you go out of your way to avoid conflict?
I try to choose my battles, usually I think of what I can achieve with it if it's nothing I just let it go. I don't get in arguments online or with customer service employees, just don't think it's worth it!

What tips or lessons have you learned that have improved your ability to deal with conflict?
Act on it as soon as possible because you can solve that problem right away and also because resentments fester over time and when you do explode it's not in proportion to whatever has been done and you look like a bit of a crazy person!

Any other random ENFP thoughts about conflict?
I don't even like watching people argue on tv or on film! I can watch things like Jersey Shore where they start throwing punches and it's a spectacle but those dramatic moments where people break up etc, ick, I'll fast forward!
 

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I think the fact that various ENFPs feel quite differently about conflict, how much it bothers them, and how to handle it is almost entirely due to differences in enneagram type. The most stereotypically conflict-phobic type is 9, so any ENFP who has 9 in their tritype will likely hate conflict. But if you replace that 9 with, say, an 8, they'll probably tackle it a lot more head-on, taking it in stride. So that's what you see in the 7w8 ENFPs, who seem the most aggressive.
I have 9 in my tritype (it's not my lead) and I really don't like conflicts. I have a hard time with arrogant, judgemental or mean spirited people though. IRL, I'd usually just give them a look then ignore, but it depends on how far they go. I'm not one to back down if something needs to be said, but I'll disengage after that.
 

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Dealing with Conflict
I know I don't like being in a conflict, so I try my best to resolve the issue as quickly as possible. I know from experience that ignoring it will let it fester. So I state their position in as neutral a manner as I can, then my own. Show the points of divergence and get to hammering out a resolution. I don't get into a conflict capriciously, so I obviously will say my piece, I'd not be fighting about it if I didn't care.

What are most of your conflicts about
Beliefs. If it can't be proved/justified, and is forced down my throat, I'm likely to lash that tongue of mine out. It's rarely pretty. Other than that, at work it's usually faulty reasoning or prejudice.

Do you go out of your way to avoid conflict
Pick your battles wisely. Do I go to church to spread my own (ir)religious views? No. If you want to offend someone you can't blame them for the ensuing conflict ;). If I know or recognise signs of irrationality or inflexibility, I withdraw. Fighting at loggerheads achieves naught but attrition.

What tips or lessons have you learned that have improved your ability to deal with conflict?

Stand up for your beliefs and be counted yes. Don't be an extremist. Say your piece politely, avoid raised voices. The calmer you keep your voice and mind, the more reasonable and relevant a conflict remains. Be diplomatic; diplomacy is all about navigating conflicts without ruffling feathers. Know when you're at loggerheads, and compromise when you can. Essentially, be reasonable and fair.

Any other random ENFP thoughts about conflict?
Sometime you have no choice but to raise your metaphorical weapon. Raise it, but don't let the sun set on your conflict. It'll only get worse.
 

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I recognize those initial traits while dealing with conflict, but I do not like them. I couldn't tell if this is function or Enneagram related, but I hate settling with my own negative emotions and would prefer to make the most logical decision. This isn't a strength, however.

How do you deal with conflict? It really honestly depends. If it is a conflict I'm familiar with and have worked through in the past, I'm likely to react in a more mature and intelligent manner. If it's something completely off my radar I may not think as rationally and behave in a more immature, emotional way.

What are most of your conflicts about? Usually about my weaknesses, occasionally about other people/misunderstandings.

Do you go out of your way to avoid conflict? Try not to behave in a way that could create irrational conflict; be honest, polite, try my hardest, avoid gossip/rumors, have a good attitude.

What tips or lessons have you learned that have improved your ability to deal with conflict? Probably to recognize who is trying to help me and who is trying to hurt me. By understanding motives, history of friendship, patterns in behavior I can recognize when to walk away and when to ask for help or take what they tell me seriously.

Any other random ENFP thoughts about conflict? No matter how much I try to act logical and learn from a situation, it is SO challenging for me not to feel the urge to cry. I think that really hinders progress, because I'm so embarrassed by my reaction that I don't have any desire to work on it right away. Do any other ENFPs have a leaky faucet during conflict? I would love to shut off the waterworks, but I can't manage to do so well.
 

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Just got this from @Paradox of Vigor...I think it's great for this thread:

"Great spirits have always encountered opposition from mediocre minds. The mediocre mind is incapable of understanding the man who refuses to bow blindly to conventional prejudices and chooses instead to express his opinions courageously and honestly." - Albert Einstein

Not implying those who run from conflict have mediocre minds...I just like how this quote highlights those who have an opinion and express it regardless of it's popularity.
 

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Do any other ENFPs have a leaky faucet during conflict? I would love to shut off the waterworks, but I can't manage to do so well.
I used to do this a lot when I was younger and still lived at home. Whenever I went up against my parents, you can bet I'd get so mad I'd cry. They are very stubborn and have the mindset that they are always right, and anyone who thinks differently then they do is wrong. That mindset made me want to scream because it's natural for me to understand that others will have a different opinion than I do and that doesn't mean they are wrong.

Anyway, when I do have an IRL conflict with someone, my adrenaline always kicks in, but I have control over the tears 95% of the time. Sometimes if it's upsetting enough, I will cry afterward, away from the person. I don't think it's necessarily that I'm upset, it's just how I release some of that adrenaline. I'm naturally a bit anxious so when adrenaline is rushing through my veins, it can make me feel overwhelmed.

And like @MuChApArAdOx, IRL conflict is very rare for me; maybe once or twice per year.
 

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How do you deal with conflict?

Sometimes conflict is necessary, so in those cases, I try to resolve it as fairly and quickly as possible. In my experience though, most conflict comes from insecure people who are trying to prove something to themselves. I just ignore it in those cases. I don't want them to drag me down into their level so I forget about them. :tongue: It can be hard though, sometimes you really want to involve yourself in it and you have to just remind yourself that it just isn't worth the energy.

What are most of your conflicts about?

I don't get into conflicts all that often because I tend to get along with most people. There are people in my family though that are horrible.... let's not talk about those people. :p

Do you go out of your way to avoid conflict?

I deal with what needs to be dealt with and I ignore the rest.

What tips or lessons have you learned that have improved your ability to deal with conflict?

I learned that there are priorities in life. Following my own happiness is more important than getting wrapped up in other people's conflict. It just isn't worth it. Many people will fight just to prove themselves or to deal with some kind of insecurity. I don't want to get wrapped up in that kind of stuff, lol. I want to be happy, and have a happy family and happy friends. I don't want to be stuck in a rut where all I do is fight with people.

Any other random ENFP thoughts about conflict?

Obviously to me there are some conflicts that should not get ignored. But don't let others bring you down to their level. It will only mess up all your positive energy that could have been spent doing more productive things. I understand sometimes in the heat of the moment though, it can be hard to try to restrain yourself and your emotions. Just sometimes those emotions can be better spent doing better things with your life.
 

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Just got this from @Paradox of Vigor...I think it's great for this thread:

"Great spirits have always encountered opposition from mediocre minds. The mediocre mind is incapable of understanding the man who refuses to bow blindly to conventional prejudices and chooses instead to express his opinions courageously and honestly." - Albert Einstein

Not implying those who run from conflict have mediocre minds...I just like how this quote highlights those who have an opinion and express it regardless of it's popularity.
I love that quote =) And for those who think that expressing an opinion is aggressive, that is false. Direct, straight up communication is only aggressive to the ones who fear confrontation, fear their own opinion. Those who can stand up for what they believe in with passion, have confidence in themselves , have confidence enough in who they are to take a stand, kuddos to you, that is self empowerment.
 

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I love that quote =) And for those who think that expressing an opinion is aggressive, that is false. Direct, straight up communication is only aggressive to the ones who fear confrontation, fear their own opinion. Those who can stand up for what they believe in with passion, have confidence in themselves , have confidence enough in who they are to take a stand, kuddos to you, that is self empowerment.
"You've got enemies? Good, that means you stood up for something, sometime in your life" ~Winston Churchill

Not that I have enemies...but I've pissed a few people off, I'm sure ;) Of course I try to avoid upsetting people, but sometimes my opinion has went against something someone is saying, and they take it personally.
 

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Also, like @Eerie said, I pick my battles...there are some ignorant people in my life who just like to control others and judge. Stating my views does nothing to change their closed minds, therefore I don't even bother.
 

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"You've got enemies? Good, that means you stood up for something, sometime in your life" ~Winston Churchill

Not that I have enemies...but I've pissed a few people off, I'm sure ;) Of course I try to avoid upsetting people, but sometimes my opinion has went against something someone is saying, and they take it personally.
I agree 100%. It really pisses me off when people say " She is so aggressive "...why, because i have the balls to state my own opinion. No dear, i'm not aggressive, i have the confidence it takes to believe in what i'm saying head on without sugar coating. I may not always be right, but i won't back down because you think i'm wrong ;)

The last part of your post says it all really. People take things personal and turn that onto others being aggressive.
 

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I agree 100%. It really pisses me off when people say " She is so aggressive "...why, because i have the balls to state my own opinion. No dear, i'm not aggressive, i have the confidence it takes to believe in what i'm saying head on without sugar coating. I may not always be right, but i won't back down because you think i'm wrong ;)

The last part of your post says it all really. People take things personal and turn that onto others being aggressive.
That's exactly where I have struggles. I want to be rational and level-headed, but it's hard to completely comprehend whether they are trying to hurt, help, or inform. I think there is a way to honest and upfront that's tactful and respectful (which by the way, I do react positively to). But it seems like a lot of people who do say it as it is aren't aware of the defensive tone in their voice (or the volume level, either). I know of people who can try to be positive and helpful, but their tone of voice and reaction can play a lot into whether I want to listen or have conversation. I also know a few people who are manipulative and pretend like they are trying to help you, but are trying to cause more problems.

Argh. Sometimes I wish it was easier to read intentions. Once I get to know a person, that's one thing. But if it's a first time or I don't know somebody well... I always feel like I pick the wrong way to react.
 

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That's exactly where I have struggles. I want to be rational and level-headed, but it's hard to completely comprehend whether they are trying to hurt, help, or inform. I think there is a way to honest and upfront that's tactful and respectful (which by the way, I do react positively to). But it seems like a lot of people who do say it as it is aren't aware of the defensive tone in their voice (or the volume level, either). I know of people who can try to be positive and helpful, but their tone of voice and reaction can play a lot into whether I want to listen or have conversation. I also know a few people who are manipulative and pretend like they are trying to help you, but are trying to cause more problems.

Argh. Sometimes I wish it was easier to read intentions. Once I get to know a person, that's one thing. But if it's a first time or I don't know somebody well... I always feel like I pick the wrong way to react.
Do you think you might struggle with reading intentions because you subconsciously disregard the idea that the person could have poor intentions? I used to do that and I got burned many times. I used to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, I still do. However, I used to give them benefit of the doubt even when I had evidence or reason to believe they weren't as good a person as I initially thought. I used to ignore the bad and make an excuse for them in my head. This made me feel especially hurt when I found their intentions to be bad because not only did they betray me, I had given them the benefit of the doubt, going against my better judgement. When I started to lower expectations of others and NOT ignore red flags that were indicative of poor intentions, my motive reading skills strengthened greatly.

And as far as your intial reaction to new people, this is what I tend to do...if the person says something absurd or offensive, I assume they were joking. I might even laugh or let them know I think they're joking. If I then learn they weren't joking, then I can start asking questions, ie: You really think women aren't as smart as men? Why do you think that? Etc. then I am in a better position to challenge them. If it turns out they WERE joking, then my response was fine, and I didn't come across as emotional and jumping to conclusions.
 
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