Hi, Internet.
Just created a forum account here around half an hour ago, been touring around this amazing site filled with really interesting and differing people. I found this place by googling 'ENFP lonely' and finding this whole amazing site filled with MY PEOPLE. Well, not really, just people I can really relate to. So, I've been through this whole empty feeling lately, kind of like a vicious cycle, except that I don't really know how to actually get out of it. I can't really explain it right now so...
I'll just copy-paste parts of this message I emailed my friend whom I guess I've kind of distanced from and she hasn't responded back, which I would hope is because she's busy.
"Things have been a bit odd lately, and I guess I figured bouncing thoughts off people was always more therapeutic than rambling off on Evernote to Dear Macbook, which sounds absolutely insane. Figured to email it, since that seems like the easiest, less awkward and odd form of communication with anyone nowadays. If you don't really want to read this wall of nowhere-going words, or if it doesn't even get through to begin with, don't worry. I get it. It just helps to have a wall of text and emotions that you know would go to someone, regardless of any reply. So, thank you for that.
I was kind of wondering if this huge gap in like everything was kind of a crazy-busy-school thing. Kinda feels like I've been overly stressed out lately, but you can't really pinpoint it on anything. Or perhaps the answer to that is that it's everything. And then the sudden disinterest in everything, all hobbies and interests and passions. It just feels like there's this huge black hole sucking everything up. And for the sake of puns, it sucks. Not really. It's just plain nothingness and oddness. I've also recently developed this huge self-awareness issue when it comes to face to face talking, hence the need for emails. It's like, knowing someone would be judging your every action, eye contact (or lack of) and your conversation (or also lack thereof). Does one call that social anxiety? I don't think so, it's just this fear to do or say much and then the buyer's-regret-feeling when you realise later on what you should've said an hour ago. I don't know, really. It's all very odd. Maybe this is called maturity, being a little bit more aware of one's little embarrassments. For instance, using one instead of you sounds really nice but also extremely pretentious. Too bad, dear reader.
I don't know. I've also lately figured that music is one of the best things out there. There's probably this time where I'd say anyone listening to music for 2 hours a day is insane. Well, proud to break that self-myth now. Kind of. Recently got into this Defying Gravity obsession and made a list of the best Elphabas ever and still blasting Bastille even way after the concert. It kind of shuts out my own thoughts (I've been thinking that's not a good thing but if you start thinking about everything, that won't be the only thing shutting down). And blocks out people and their utterly superficial conversations. It's not even their fault. It's just I have a feeling I've been way too serious lately. And there's no way to lighten up when like nothing excites you and everything is just so crazy odd and you don't seem to be able to focus on anything and you can't blame it on anything or anyone and you have no idea what's going on. I'm not really asking for advice here, just jotting everything down to make sense of it. Is it supposed to be temporary? It's funny, last I tried to explain this, someone once told me they're in the same situation, and they've kinda given up on figuring out. I don't know why, but that sounds awfully sad, to have everything around you but not being able to enjoy or appreciate it properly. I don't think it's because of my current situation or anything, which is what befuddles me. I guess I just don't know how I fit into the circle of things, or if it'll ever get a bit more comfortable trying to fit in that circle.
It just occurred to me that it's quite likely that in this 4 years, after October this year, I'd try to look back and see what I've done, and really, not feel accomplished or anything. In this 4 years, I don't really have any way to define this whole time. And that just seems so not right. (Please don't go on about how rightness is defined by the society and you don't have to do what the society says, because I'm pretty sure the reason why it isn't right is because one doesn't want to leave a school having done absolutely nothing. And it's really not like I've done nothing, just nothing that I feel will be memorable enough to make this time worthwhile. I just feel like this major disappointment.) I don't know.
I guess I would sum up this ramble with... Nothing? It's really just to put my thoughts down. So I really don't mind a lack of response, just know you've managed to help me make a little bit more sense of it already. Yup. Thanks."
It's an email that I sent to my friend a while back, ramble-style. And if you've made it this far, I guess I hope you could give me some advice on this long chain of issues and empty feeling I've faced recently, because it really just sucks. Thank you, for giving me some space on this little white wall, and for any possible advice
Just created a forum account here around half an hour ago, been touring around this amazing site filled with really interesting and differing people. I found this place by googling 'ENFP lonely' and finding this whole amazing site filled with MY PEOPLE. Well, not really, just people I can really relate to. So, I've been through this whole empty feeling lately, kind of like a vicious cycle, except that I don't really know how to actually get out of it. I can't really explain it right now so...
I'll just copy-paste parts of this message I emailed my friend whom I guess I've kind of distanced from and she hasn't responded back, which I would hope is because she's busy.
"Things have been a bit odd lately, and I guess I figured bouncing thoughts off people was always more therapeutic than rambling off on Evernote to Dear Macbook, which sounds absolutely insane. Figured to email it, since that seems like the easiest, less awkward and odd form of communication with anyone nowadays. If you don't really want to read this wall of nowhere-going words, or if it doesn't even get through to begin with, don't worry. I get it. It just helps to have a wall of text and emotions that you know would go to someone, regardless of any reply. So, thank you for that.
I was kind of wondering if this huge gap in like everything was kind of a crazy-busy-school thing. Kinda feels like I've been overly stressed out lately, but you can't really pinpoint it on anything. Or perhaps the answer to that is that it's everything. And then the sudden disinterest in everything, all hobbies and interests and passions. It just feels like there's this huge black hole sucking everything up. And for the sake of puns, it sucks. Not really. It's just plain nothingness and oddness. I've also recently developed this huge self-awareness issue when it comes to face to face talking, hence the need for emails. It's like, knowing someone would be judging your every action, eye contact (or lack of) and your conversation (or also lack thereof). Does one call that social anxiety? I don't think so, it's just this fear to do or say much and then the buyer's-regret-feeling when you realise later on what you should've said an hour ago. I don't know, really. It's all very odd. Maybe this is called maturity, being a little bit more aware of one's little embarrassments. For instance, using one instead of you sounds really nice but also extremely pretentious. Too bad, dear reader.
I don't know. I've also lately figured that music is one of the best things out there. There's probably this time where I'd say anyone listening to music for 2 hours a day is insane. Well, proud to break that self-myth now. Kind of. Recently got into this Defying Gravity obsession and made a list of the best Elphabas ever and still blasting Bastille even way after the concert. It kind of shuts out my own thoughts (I've been thinking that's not a good thing but if you start thinking about everything, that won't be the only thing shutting down). And blocks out people and their utterly superficial conversations. It's not even their fault. It's just I have a feeling I've been way too serious lately. And there's no way to lighten up when like nothing excites you and everything is just so crazy odd and you don't seem to be able to focus on anything and you can't blame it on anything or anyone and you have no idea what's going on. I'm not really asking for advice here, just jotting everything down to make sense of it. Is it supposed to be temporary? It's funny, last I tried to explain this, someone once told me they're in the same situation, and they've kinda given up on figuring out. I don't know why, but that sounds awfully sad, to have everything around you but not being able to enjoy or appreciate it properly. I don't think it's because of my current situation or anything, which is what befuddles me. I guess I just don't know how I fit into the circle of things, or if it'll ever get a bit more comfortable trying to fit in that circle.
It just occurred to me that it's quite likely that in this 4 years, after October this year, I'd try to look back and see what I've done, and really, not feel accomplished or anything. In this 4 years, I don't really have any way to define this whole time. And that just seems so not right. (Please don't go on about how rightness is defined by the society and you don't have to do what the society says, because I'm pretty sure the reason why it isn't right is because one doesn't want to leave a school having done absolutely nothing. And it's really not like I've done nothing, just nothing that I feel will be memorable enough to make this time worthwhile. I just feel like this major disappointment.) I don't know.
I guess I would sum up this ramble with... Nothing? It's really just to put my thoughts down. So I really don't mind a lack of response, just know you've managed to help me make a little bit more sense of it already. Yup. Thanks."
It's an email that I sent to my friend a while back, ramble-style. And if you've made it this far, I guess I hope you could give me some advice on this long chain of issues and empty feeling I've faced recently, because it really just sucks. Thank you, for giving me some space on this little white wall, and for any possible advice
