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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Both of my last two serious relationships were INFJs, and both of them ended, to some degree, because of criticism. In one case, he criticized me and I flipped out, stormed out, and left him. In the other case, he left me because he said that I was too sensitive to criticism, and he couldn't deal with it.

I'm still in love with both of them, and as I've been dating other types I have been thinking a great deal about compatibility between types. I know there are numerous threads talking about this issue in general, but I'm curious about what everyone things about this issue of criticism.

I recently ended another less-serious relationship with an ISTJ, which he also ended mainly because I was sensitive to what I perceived as extreme criticism. He actually came back later and asked me why I reacted so strongly when he said I needed to go to the gym more often and lose weight (I think most women would agree that this statement, ENFP or not, is not really something you should say to a woman). But in any event, it seems to be a common thread.

As the title of the thread suggests, I am particularly interested in the INFJ aspect of this issue. INFJs are supposedly one of the ENFP's ideal partners, and the fact that I had two consecutive relationships with them, despite male INFJs being such a rarity, is somewhat telling. However, I still don't quite understand it. In my opinion, I think it's possibly their secondary FE function that causes the problems in the relationships from the ENFP side of things.

Any thoughts about INFJs and ENFPs, and criticism in general are appreciated!
 

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I've never thought it works. And I do believe the problem is Fe/Fi.

In my experience there has been a tendency to talk to me in a dictatorial manner. That doesn't naturally attract me to people. I know what's best for me, not someone else. And I wouldn't like to be in a relationship where someone constantly thinks they know what's best for me. Its condescending.

I also feel my actions are constantly misinterpreted.

Also, I think any two healthy types can work. So it might work differently for you. You sound like you are naturally attracted to them.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I would definitely confirm those feelings regarding the INFJs. All of my fights with INFJs have revolved around that dictatorial attitude that I also believe comes from their Fe, and then makes my Fi scream in rebellion. When I started dating both of them, I didn't know anything about mtbi, and I was shocked to find out later that I had managed to date two INFJs in a row. So yes there must obviously be some sort of natural attraction. I'm going to guess it's the Ni that's so attractive. That kind of mysterious, deep, almost clairvoyant feeling that Ni seems to have is very intriguing.
 
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I think you, like me, should stick to dating Ps. When they give advice they don't do it like a frustrated mother scorning her kids. But I guess it would be fair to say that it also depends on personality. Some people just like to feel superior that way.

Maybe go for a less self-confident, with no superiority or inferiority complexes and more diplomatic J?
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I have really wanted to try dating a P. All of my friends are mainly some type of FP, mainly other ENFPs, INFPs, and ESFPs. I'm not really sure why, but it seems like males of these types aren't particularly attracted to me in a sexual way, and vice versa. I went on a date with another ENFP, and it was fun and everything, but we had zero chemistry (and then we both got distracted and stopped calling each other hahaha). It's like the J aspect gives them something assertive and....manly? I love the dreamy tendencies of the NFPs, because they understand my sense of possibility, wonder, and fantasy, but in a man I love that assertive, take-charge nature. What to do, what to do...
 

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Well I have INFJ guys as friends who are like a million years younger. We seem to get along fine. They don't try to tell me what's best for me because they know I'm old enough to have changed their diaper. :tongue:

As far as chemistry, I won't date anyone I don't have physical chemistry with regardless of type. I tend to have chemistry with with TJs TPs and FPs. P relationships tend to not subtract from me.
 

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I think you, like me, should stick to dating Ps.
The more I live, the more I agree with that personally. Ya, opposites can attract but a "P"s spontaneity and laid-back nature just meshes with us better. If you're like me you don't just get a little offended when people try to enforce their rules on you arbitrarily, you get A LOT offended. I think unless it's a very diplomatic, mature, and understanding "J" stick with a "P" if at all possible.

Though I've had loyalty issues with SP women and guy friends. Comes with the territory, no one's perfect.
 

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Yeah, urm... I don't tend to be really critical, except perhaps in jest.

Could be a difference in maturity.. could be a difference in enneagram type. Maybe as a type 9 I'm more accepting. *shrug*

I might draw the line at some behavior (like cheating), but what is really the point of trying to boss someone around? Everything I've observed in life shows that the more you try to control, the worse the situation becomes. The only thing you can truly control in this world is yourself.

In the "fat" situation, I'd probably just get my girlfriend involved in playing tennis or going hiking with me.
 

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There's definitely some magnetism between the types. The Fe/Fi divide is a shame.

Fe can be quite annoying! Sometimes when I'm hearing about someone's problem, I'll say "I understand" even if I've never been through anything remotely similar.

Meanwhile my Ti screams out from further inside my brain, "No you don't, fuckhead!".

I also really gotta keep myself from giving advise and telling people what they "should" do. My intuition guides me a lot, but it's not 100%, and it'd be better if I just offered what I saw rather than go right ahead with "You should do x.".

As the title of the thread suggests, I am particularly interested in the INFJ aspect of this issue. INFJs are supposedly one of the ENFP's ideal partners, and the fact that I had two consecutive relationships with them, despite male INFJs being such a rarity, is somewhat telling. However, I still don't quite understand it. In my opinion, I think it's possibly their secondary FE function that causes the problems in the relationships from the ENFP side of things.

Any thoughts about INFJs and ENFPs, and criticism in general are appreciated!
What Pink said is pretty funny because INFJ men love older chicks (and they love us :laughing:). I figure it takes a powerful woman to get us to stfu with our Fe... either that or a great level of self-understanding on the INFJ's part to keep it under wraps.
 

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Maybe it's because I'm young, but I'm willing to deal with a little criticism from J types if it means I also get to benefit from their organizational skills, love of planning things, and general knowledge about how to keep our lives in order. All of my J friends keep me on track-- I would be a hot mess if I didn't have them to help out. Not to give off the wrong impression-- I am self-sufficient, but they tend to give me the kick in the butt I need in terms of cleaning my room or working on a project or whatever.

Granted, this might be different in an actual relationship if it became bossy behavior rather than a friendly, caring suggestion. I've never been in a serious relationship with a J so I wouldn't know.
 

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Well, please keep in mind that "J" doesn't particularly mean "Judgmental". It really just indicates that you like to make decisions and have things settled, rather than leave options open. Being judgmental is more likely correlated to certain cognitive processes.

I don't think I've ever known an ENFJ to be bossy, for instance.

Ni can be a fairly effective objective lense, though that would depend upon life lessons I imagine. Probably just a matter of finding the right INxJ.
 

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Well if it helps, I had a really controlling ENFJ ex.
Heh, my experience is with about 5 ENFJ women working in the same department at my work. There is no boss for them, really.. and it's kind of anarchy - but they're so damn polite and helpful towards each other it just works out somehow.

Sorry 'bout your ex. :/
 

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Critical people are hard for me to deal with regardless of their type, but yeah, I think it is the Fe that seems to make that kind of behavior more likely.
 

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Heh, my experience is with about 5 ENFJ women working in the same department at my work. There is no boss for them, really.. and it's kind of anarchy - but they're so damn polite and helpful towards each other it just works out somehow.

Sorry 'bout your ex. :/
Lol thanks, she definitely wasn't a posterchild for the group.
 

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Well, please keep in mind that "J" doesn't particularly mean "Judgmental". It really just indicates that you like to make decisions and have things settled, rather than leave options open. Being judgmental is more likely correlated to certain cognitive processes.

I don't think I've ever known an ENFJ to be bossy, for instance.
Are you freaking kidding me? I have to tell my ENFJ girlfriends to knock it off all the time. Okay, can we at least agree on ENFJs being "pushy"?

I don't think that INFJs have the same type of push. I just don't care for the attitude like they know better than me or the rest of the world. I have a great amount of insight too and I am often more involved in the world.

And I've never had an INFJ friend help me to organize my life. I don't believe this is how their type of J works. I've often had to help organize more.

And telling us ENFPs that Js aren't "judgmental" is pointless unless you really understood just how much we don't judge and bitch and complain. When others do it around us or to us, it feels like nails on a chalkboard. In comparison to us, yes Js do judge very much.

For some reason however, I don't get as upset by INTJs judgments unless they are pointed directly at me.
 
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And telling us ENFPs that Js aren't "judgmental" is pointless unless you really understood just how much we don't judge and bitch and complain. When others do it around us or to us, it feels like nails on a chalkboard. In comparison to us, yes Js do judge very much.
Amusingly enough, I've had a number of ENFP's telling me what the hell to do with my life - on pretty much every aspect. I know it's done out of love and all, and is usually done in a sweet and nuanced way, but doesn't it strike you as judgmental to think you know better than someone else how to run their lives? Isn't that kind of the epitome of being judgmental?
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Yeah, urm... I don't tend to be really critical, except perhaps in jest.

Could be a difference in maturity.. could be a difference in enneagram type. Maybe as a type 9 I'm more accepting. *shrug*

I might draw the line at some behavior (like cheating), but what is really the point of trying to boss someone around? Everything I've observed in life shows that the more you try to control, the worse the situation becomes. The only thing you can truly control in this world is yourself.

In the "fat" situation, I'd probably just get my girlfriend involved in playing tennis or going hiking with me.
I just have to say...just the fact that you summed up my problem with the ISTJ as "the fat situation" feels very judgy to me, and my gut reaction was to be a little offended. (Yes, I am very sensitive to criticism, as is the subject of this post.) :frustrating:
 
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I just have to say...just the fact that you summed up my problem with the ISTJ as "the fat situation" feels very judgy to me, and my gut reaction was to be a little offended. (Yes, I am very sensitive to criticism, as is the subject of this post.) :frustrating:
Yeah, I'm going to have to agree with Weensalot here. It seemed liked there was a lot more to the relationship than that.
 
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