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Discussion Starter #1
So I want to keep this pretty concise, but I matched with this man on an Online Dating site a few months ago, and we've been sharing incredibly deep conversations and bantering a bit almost every day since. :proud: I really admire his character, and I love how naturally I feel I can be open and honest with him (whereas with everyone I've been attracted to before, I've tended to hide behind my "fantasy self"), and he has recently said very similar things to me.

I think it's pretty safe to say we're falling for each other... We're hoping/planning to meet in person in a few weeks (since we live about 3 hours away from each other). So here's where my question comes into play...
I shared the enneagram with him recently, and he's come to the conclusion that he's a Type Two. I can definitely see that in him, now that I think about it... He's extremely caring and sympathetic, and I've noticed he's often willing to accommodate to others' needs (based on how he treats me and what he's told me about his life). I'm definitely a Four— a soc/sex 4 more specifically. I know that Enneagram Four and Two relationships often don't work out, especially since we Fours can be self-absorbed and self-pitying... but I really have been trying to learn how to live and love more selflessly for a few years now.

So my questions for Type Two's are, if you've ever dated a four, what could they have done differently to be a more supportive and just all around better partner to you? What do you wish they had known/understood about you? What defects in their character do you think would've helped improve your relationship if they had overcome them?
 

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The very fact that you're conscious of making sure you're supportive and want to improve on your relationship is a good sign IMO.

I had a thing with a type 4 which was a disaster, so hopefully can be of some assistance.

What I didn't like was that he did things without asking or taking my particular interests/characteristics into consideration - e.g. he would do something because he thought it would be romantic in his eyes but it wasn't in mine. I felt that my boundaries weren't respected. I do like surprises and things that show you're thinking of me - but there's a vast difference between seeing somethingI would like and seeing something you think is romantic. So, he would send me poems and drawings which was nice but I never truly felt it was for me. The only one that was actually made with me in mind was a drawing of one of my favourite characters (Groot!) which did mean a lot to me. Tbh I think there was a clash between our Fi and Fe too so not sure it can be only down to our enneagram types.

Another big issue for me is that as a 2 I like to share my feelings and I found that him being a 4, when things got tough he would retreat into himself and I had to second guess everything and wasn't sure what to trust. 2's like to be able to hash things out, so I would suggest if you were upset to maybe ask for some time to collect your thoughts but then later talk about it or else the 2 can get frustrated.

Are there any issues you've come across so far? From both sides?
 

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What I didn't like was that he did things without asking or taking my particular interests/characteristics into consideration - e.g. he would do something because he thought it would be romantic in his eyes but it wasn't in mine. I felt that my boundaries weren't respected. I do like surprises and things that show you're thinking of me - but there's a vast difference between seeing somethingI would like and seeing something you think is romantic. So, he would send me poems and drawings which was nice but I never truly felt it was for me. The only one that was actually made with me in mind was a drawing of one of my favourite characters (Groot!) which did mean a lot to me. Tbh I think there was a clash between our Fi and Fe too so not sure it can be only down to our enneagram types.

Another big issue for me is that as a 2 I like to share my feelings and I found that him being a 4, when things got tough he would retreat into himself and I had to second guess everything and wasn't sure what to trust. 2's like to be able to hash things out, so I would suggest if you were upset to maybe ask for some time to collect your thoughts but then later talk about it or else the 2 can get frustrated.

Are there any issues you've come across so far? From both sides?
This was very helpful; thank you! I will certainly keep it in mind. There haven't been any major issues between us, thankfully, but I've been on the look out to ensure that neither of us are treating the other as a means to an end, (which has been an issue in some of my previous relationships).
I also have been a little bit concerned that lately we may have been texting a bit too much each day... do you think two hours per day is excessive for two people who have never met in person? I honestly love every minute I talk to him, but I don't want us to become dependent on one another to an unhealthy extent.

Also, I've noticed that while he's super invested in learning my tastes (he'll devote a ton of time to watching tv shows or reading books I've told him I like), he hasn't been as curious about my creative works or projects. For example, I've casually mentioned several times that I have a passion for writing music, but he's never once asked me to elaborate on it. I haven't really known what to make of that or what to do about it... I keep hoping he'll be interested in knowing more because my creative outlets are a crucial part of how I process my experiences, but of course, I don't want him to feel obligated to care.

As far as issues I've caused him, he hasn't made any complaints... I do realize that his Two-ish altruism may incline him to sweep things that are bothering him under the rug, though... Would it help to ask him if there are any ways I can be better to him?
 

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I think in the initial stages it's kinda granted that you'll spend so much time texting each other. I could sit and text a person I'm interested in all day and forget my real life responsibilities or become lazy and complacent in them, being addicted to the one I'm talking to. However, in a healthy happy relationship I become motivated to start focusing on myself (I wonder if this is my own integration into type 4) and becoming a better person, focusing on goals I want for myself. My type 4 however was quite unhealthy and I think disintegrating into a 2; he became seriously needy and insecure that I was becoming my own person and was worried that I wouldn't need him anymore. It was really suffocating. I tried to explain him that it was a good thing that I wanted to focus on my own needs - it showed that I was happy and secure enough in the relationship to work on myself and leave the relationship to work on its own.

Do you know what MBTI type this guy is? I can relate a lot - I like to learn what people like, what makes them happy, I'll listen to the songs they like, watch the movies they like, to try get a sense of who they are and if we are compatible. Creativity is a bit more difficult to understand because it's such a subjective experience from the other person that I don't always understand what their work means overall, the wider meaning of the work, but also what it meant to the person creating it. How they felt, what motivated it. Do you explain all these things when you're showing it to him? Do you show him your music, and then explain those things about it? If it's crucial to who you are as a person you need to find a way to get him involved because otherwise there will be a huge feeling of disconnect and possible resentment.

And of course, I do like when a SO asks me if there's any way they can help make me feel more comfortable or if there's anything they can maybe change. Just showing you want to make us feel loved and taking those things on bored really helps.
 

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There is something about these types that immediately click (mostly because the Two has that savior element that Fours are looking for) but in the long run intimate relationships between Fours and Twos tend to self-destruct. This is partially because Fours go to Two in times of disintegration. Fours also don't live by rulebooks. JennyJukes summed it up well: "What I didn't like was that he did things without asking or taking my particular interests/characteristics into consideration." This is the very thing about Twos that I deeply struggle with, as a Four. I am my own human being and I shouldn't have to "ask" anybody for permission. Remembering someone's preferences is seen as the holy grail to Twos. Fours are not as detail-oriented typically (at least not with things like that) and so it's not something that would even occur to us but I often have felt punished by Twos because I didn't share that particular personality trait.
 

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This is the very thing about Twos that I deeply struggle with, as a Four. I am my own human being and I shouldn't have to "ask" anybody for permission
This sums up the struggle that I have with the 2 in my life perfectly, which is only emphasized by me being social variant blind

She seems to have a similar struggle with her husband, who she complains "does x without telling her" quite often. I think that her husband is a withdrawn type but not a 4. My impression is that he's a 5 and my second guess would be 9
 
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