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Hey everyone, so I've been having some difficulty finding my type as of late. I thought I'd complete the questionnaire and see if you guys could help me out. Thanks!

1. What drives you in life? What do you look for?
As of late, it's hard to say. I suppose I'm trying to build a future for myself that makes me feel less miserable, a state where I can feel like I've reached an equilibrium. I am searching for a sense of purpose mainly, because I do not yet think I've found mine.

2. What do you hope to accomplish in your life?
It would mean everything to reach a state of self-actualization. I want to feel that heightened self-awareness, feel like there is a potential that is being fulfilled. It doesn't really matter what that actually looks like, or how I get there, but to be able to intrinsically know that where I've ended up, all the possible paths I closed off and the journey I took myself, is rewarding and was where it all should've fallen into place

3. What do you hope to avoid doing or being? What values are important to you?
I guess I feel sort of paradoxical on this one...

It means a lot to me to live according to how I feel. Just because something is "socially acceptable" or expected of someone in a given culture for their age is so vapid to me. I don't want to become a clone, or feel like I have to sacrifice my own feelings because that's "what's expected." I'm fine going my own way and I usually do

However, I also am afraid of being a bad person. It means a lot to me to know what I'm doing is right, and to feel like ethically I've done what I can to make the world a better place, no matter how small or miniscule the action may be. It's hard to feel at peace in today's world, and I'd like to know that I'm not contributing any excess chaos.

4. What are your biggest fears (not including phobias)? Why?
I'm a pretty fearful person in general, but I would probably say a big fear I have is to look back on my life and view any efforts as futile. I am afraid of anything I put my time and energy into being lost in the wind, have no lasting impact or value, and feeling as though I shouldn't have really bothered existing at all once I reach my later years. I want to know the suffering was worth something, that I was awaiting something far better.

5. How do you want others to see you? How do you see yourself?
It's hard to answer this one. I don't want to come off as obnoxious, or overbearing to others. In fact, I feel happiest if they almost wouldn't notice me at all. At the same time, I need to feel like I've in some way established myself as different or unique from them. I guess I want them to see me as enigmatic enough to not be able to quite figure me out.

I hate myself, plain and simple. I have serious problems with my self-esteem, and it's hard not to see myself as a "before picture," so to speak. Sometimes it gets as horrific as believing myself to be monstrous. I would love to like "you know what [insert name]? you're okay", but that day has yet to come

6. What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?
Honestly, solitude makes me feel at my best. I feel good when I can just be alone with my thoughts and feelings, where I can cry and not feel judged by anyone. There's some comfort in just being able to dissociate from reality, to not attend to daily life and just live through my own little world.

I feel my worst when I take on way more than I know I can handle (like right now). I become such a miserable, spiteful bitch who can't just accept that not everything is going to be done the way you want it. When I overexert myself, I become just far too high-strung and temperamental (inferior Te, everybody)

7. Describe how you experience each of: a) anger; b) shame; c) anxiety.
a) I'm pretty good at repressing my anger, or just choosing not to deal with angry emotions that may arise. If something happens, say, where I want to do something and somebody expresses a problem with my course of action or proposes a different one that works better for them, I'll just go along with it instead of expressing my frustration. I have a hard time allowing myself to feel anger. Either that or it comes out really passive-aggressively or snappy, such as when I'm overstressed and overtired and I don't have time to filter my environment as well.

b) I can't really remember a time in my life where I didn't feel shame to some extent. I've always disliked myself, or viewed myself as not enough in some respect. In the past, I've put on a facade of pride when in reality, I felt deep shame. It was probably pretty obvious and seemed fake and exaggerated, and now I tend to just make myself seem small and unassuming as to not draw attention to this shame. I feel like it's recognized by everyone, just never verbalized. Like the elephant in the room.

c) Out of all 3 emotional states, anxiety is the one I feel the most by far. However, I'm not sure if this is necessarily enneagram related, because although I haven't seen mental health professionals for a number of years, it would not at all surprise me if I was diagnosed with some variation of an anxiety disorder. I just get nervous about everything, I have a lot of fear and doubt, and acting at all is just very stressful. I think anxiety is the source of my procrastination, because I don't know how to deal with demands that put me in a state of uncertainty. I've always been pretty uneasy, fearful, get worked up about little things. I wouldn't consider myself the chilled out type.

8. Describe how you respond to each of: a) stress; b) unexpected change; c) conflict.
a) When I get stressed out, I become very dogmatic and controlled. Stress makes me feel out of control, so in order to gain some of that order back in my life, I become a lot more high strung about little things. Stress makes me temperamental sometimes, but other times I feel like I run on autopilot when I'm stressed because there's no time to allow myself to feel anything.

b) It's weird. On some occasions I consider myself pretty adaptable and easygoing, particularly if the unexpected change is minor. On others, unexpected change is the most stress inducing thing in the world. I become very unsettled and visibly anxious, especially when there isn't enough time to register the change and how my actions will proceed moving forward.

c) I hate conflict so freaking much. I do whatever I can to avoid it, and I try to separate myself from situations where I believe conflict is likely to occur. It makes me so upset, so emotional just to be around conflict. It's so emotionally draining, I just need to minimize it, even if it costs me something.

9. Describe your orientation to: a) authority; b) power. How do you respond to these?
a) I am terrified of authority. I do what I can to steer clear of conversing with authority, or coming off in a certain way, because it makes me incredibly nervous. I just freeze up and don't know how to communicate my needs to them, so I try not to engage with them. When I do, I'm overly polite and cautious.

b) I don't like feeling manipulated ever, and come to resent those who feel they can exert power over me. However, I also feel incredibly uncomfortable holding too much power. I like being able to dictate what I'm doing, but when it comes to controlling others, I could not be less interested. There's just too much responsibility in being powerful.

10. What is your overall outlook on life and humanity?
To me, life is about discovery. It's about coming to understand yourself, the world, and what it all means. Why do we do what we do, and what's the end result. Keep in mind I'm only 20 years old currently, and I don't have a ton figured out. For someone who's quite anxious about most things, I feel content not really knowing how I feel about life. I want to feel peace and take my time as I come to learn who I am and what my purpose is.
I view humanity as inherently good, but sometimes thrust into unfortunate circumstances. I don't believe human beings are without flaws, but I believe everyone is worth recognizing as human and should have their own potential honoured. It means a lot that I treat others the way I'd like to be treated, and that I just don't act as a negative influence in their life and personal journey.
 

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I sense 4w5 for your core and 1w9 as your secondary fix. I'm not sure about your head type -- I could entertain either 5 or 6.

As I was reading your questionnaire I immediately narrowed the options to either 4 or 1. Then I read your responses about enjoying solitude, being alone with your feelings, and searching for deeper purpose and I decided on 4 for you.

Any questions?
 

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I sense 4w5 for your core and 1w9 as your secondary fix. I'm not sure about your head type -- I could entertain either 5 or 6.

As I was reading your questionnaire I immediately narrowed the options to either 4 or 1. Then I read your responses about enjoying solitude, being alone with your feelings, and searching for deeper purpose and I decided on 4 for you.

Any questions?
Thank you for your reply! I've tended to flip flop between 4 and 6 for myself, but I can certainly see 4w5 as my core
 
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