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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Most of you have probably glanced over the type One compatibility descriptions (here's a link for a refesher: http://personalitycafe.com/type-1-forum-reformer/8083-type-one-compatibility.html )

I am asking this as a Five who was really close with a woman who I'm increasingly certain was a 1w2. I find that the ideas expressed in the above link for 5-1 relationships were quite evocative of our own experience. I definitely felt that we bonded on shared interests in a surprisingly wide range of fields. Obviously it also helped that I tended to share most of her values and beliefs. We also both "unexpectedly tickled one anothers' funny bones". I really admired her strength of conviction and her willingness to foresake her own desires for what she saw as right. I really appreciate this because even though I have strong ethics, my 5ness enables me to come up with intellectual justifications for compromising and pursuing my self-interests, even when I know it might not be "right". Also how can one not like someone who is perfect (or at least who always strives to be perfect)? :wink:

I've explained the Five's angle, I'd really appreciate any Ones' perspectives/experiences with Five relationships. I really need to get to know you people better.

http://personalitycafe.com/enneagram-personality-theory-forum/31918-enneagram-demographics.html
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
The last line in my opening post: I would greatly appreciate descriptions of Ones' perspective and experience on One-Five relationships. Judging by the reception so far, they do not appear to be too common.
 

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I typically only go for type 5-ish men. I believe my current partner to be a 5w6 (although I think I am 1w9, not 1w2), nonetheless I think it is a great match. The two types seem to affect each other on a really deep level both intellectually and emotionally.
 

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Fives can be great to have intellectual discussions with, but sometimes they can be a bit frustrating when they don't want to arrive at a certain conclusion that seems obvious to you, then they start trying to tear apart your "assumptions" when you're convinced something needs to be done about what you're worked up about! lol This can be both a good and bad thing, but intellectual fives can make among the most apt debate partners. I have a 6w5 friend who is also a really good debating partner. He was about as opinionated as me, but I found him too fixed in his institutionalized belief system whereas I prefer to base things on my own experience...in fact, I believe that's the right thing to do!
 

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I'm a type 1 guy married to a type 5 woman.

My type 5, INTJ wife is stubborn as hell. She needs to accept the fact that I'm almost always right. If only she was capable of doing that, our relationship would be without fights haha. :crazy:

Instead, she needs to think about it or see her opinion/thought/point of view fail before accepting that I am right.

I'm using a bit of sarcasm, but its more true than I'd like to admit. Other than that, we get a long great. We compliment each other very nicely.
 

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Wow, Perennialurker, you've opened a can a worms by bringing this up around me! I'm a 1 possibly w9. I've been married to a 5 for 20 years. Those 20 years have stretched me in ways I'm still trying to figure out, some good, some not so good. I am 54 and have mellowed in my Oneness over the years to a much more healthy one with a greater degree of discernment taking the place of reactive judgement. I used to feel that there was one 'right answer' to everything. Then I met my 5 (possible w6) husband who was deadset on showing me my ineptitude for carrying such 'certitude'. I always say he should have been a lawyer because I always felt I had entered the courtroom and had to defend my position as I watched him work so hard to tear my position and logic down. In the long run, that action is fine and can actually be fun....but not when done with such sureness of intellectual superiority as my 5 husband does. I do have alot of bitterness (resentment:blushed:) in this relationship. I still have hopes to clear through all the debris we have collected together.

I am a very open individual. He is a very closed and private individual. I have learned to protect his privacy. I have learned not to give my opinion because he is sure he is right and correct and my logic is most certainly flawed. I have learned to say, "Wow, I didn't know that." so that he can go ahead and settle and not keep harping on the subject of whatever he feels has faulty logic. (I used to defend myself to the hilt.) He has a much better memory than I so I usually trust his facts over mine, but I often feel like we are in a competition that I don't want to partake in. I just want a healthy discussion, not a fight based on defensiveness. He is sharp as a tack, I am less by comparison. I have other strengths like stamina, strong work ethic, willingness to stay the course in support of another even if the course seems a bit aimless. We are both researchers though I usually get the feeling (accurate or not) that he feels his research is way more valuable than mine.

In short (and I have MUCH more to say but I'm responding via Quick Reply and being new to this forum I've not figured out what all these selections mean!) I feel he looks down on everyone, including me, and that if everyone was as smart as he the world would be a better place. I feel secure within myself (though I didn't used to around him) but have yet to figure out how to get past that 'leave me alone, I'm busy with more important things' attitude I always receive from my husband. I'm an accommodator (which doesn't help matters!) It's true, just like the compatibility read says, we have become self-contained in two separate spheres. I have not given up, nor will I. More later.
 

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I'm a 1w2 INFJ, and I really like being around 5's they are very good to discuss with and I feel myself good being around them. But I have to admit that exactly this debating sometimes drives me crazy. I've dated a 5 not long ago, but I feel it to be very hard to get emotionally in contact what really frustrates me. And also when I'm discussing too much I just feel like I loose the track of my life and diving into theories, which I love, but which also prevent me from living. I just can't have it all the time...
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
So then could you ellaborate? What were the best parts of being with your 5 and what were the areas you wish your 5 would work harder on? Do you think a relationship with the 5 would ever be viable if they were to try harder? Thanks again for all the replies!
 

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Life with a 5?

Perennialurker, you asked:
"So then could you ellaborate? What were the best parts of being with your 5 and what were the areas you wish your 5 would work harder on? Do you think a relationship with the 5 would ever be viable if they were to try harder?"

The best parts of being with a 5:

1) Great predictor of things to come. Great at getting to know the 'landscape' of whatever it is we are looking into (a home, buying a new appliance, entering a contract, etc.) and knowing the ins-and-outs of it so well that he puts ahead in the discussion we have with the real estate agent, salesperson, etc. What I wish he would work on in regard to this is realizing that he is not the only one looking into the situation and that I may have something valuable to add to the discussion as well and not to discount my input.

2) Very upfront when the situation demands it: He knows when he is being manipulated (sometimes to a fault!) and will address it when needed. Very tactful in his approach. Does not use anger to express his dissatisfaction with whomever he is unhappy. When I have a problem with a friend and don't know the best way to approach it, I always go to him for advice because he will have the best to offer as to how to approach the friend so that I may find resolution.

3) Accepts who I am physically: I'm a healthy woman, in great shape, take very good care of myself, but I'm a farm girl at heart. That leaves him with a woman who is sporting sweats and sweatshirts most of the time. Plaids and stripes sometimes, too. (Not in public!) He is always supportive of whatever I need...really, in terms of anything. (I'm not a consumer, and don't care about clothes or clothes shopping so we resonate fully on that level!)

The Areas I wish He Would Try Harder On:

1) His own brand of righteousness: Just like I, as a One, have to watch my righteousness as I assert my right position, I would like it if he wasn't so intent on always tearing down my logic. It would be nice if now and then he would just listen and nod instead of taking me into the courtroom.

2) Withdrawal!!! When the going gets rough for him, which is often it seems, he withdraws so severely that it is depressing. His withdrawal is a 'presence' in and of itself. That means I'm either left to ignore him, tip toe around him, or try to draw him out.....None of which really work. Half the time he doesn't even really know what is wrong. I don't think he realizes how often he withdraws. At least for some period of every day.

3) Not a joiner: It would be nice if every now and then he would go with the family to an event without some sense of dissatisfaction or the unspoken threat that we will all have to leave early from the event for his sake.

4) He Is NEVER wrong: If he could give me credit now and then for knowing something, that would be great. I'm always left with this feeling that HE knows the real truth of all things and I know nothing....because I am a plebian!! Oh gosh, and saying I'm sorry? What is that!!!??

Lastly: could a relationship between a five and one be viable? Well, both sides have to try hard. Seems like the 5's I know carry a bit of a superiority complex. That is a deal killer in most relationships and that would be the thing I would recommend any 5 pay attention to in a relationship. Everyone wants to be HEARD, including the 5, but those of us who won't take the time to HEAR won't get anyone to HEAR them in return.

Hope this answers some of your questions.
 

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@perennialurker: Heh. A human data collector, just like my partner 5 :)

I'm a 1 married to a 5. Very new to the enneagram, but it's provided so many ah has for me.

I am at the point where rather than try to reform my 5 (completely guilty of doing this in our formative years) I want deeply to accept and understand him, while also facilitating (but not pushing for) his growth. I can see so many of my past unhealthy 1 traits, and how they must have hurt him at times.

to remedy this, I've been trying to verbally own up to my shit, as well as relax a lot more.

What has been difficult in our relationship is my understanding of his compartmentalization. He really compartmentalized his sexuality...while lacking the skills to explain it to me (not judging him here, just observing). It hurt when, early on, he turned to sex chat rooms, phone sex with others (we were in a long distance relationship for a while) and lots of porn. He wouldn't let me see this part of himself at ALL.

I'm sure the self-righteous way I dealt with this in an average/unhealthy state did not help. I could not grasp how he didn't see this as a betrayal of me. He, I think, could not grasp how I couldnt see his commitment to me, when clearly he had rearranged his life for me and expressed his commitment by moving in, later on proposing, etc.

ive learned to appreciate the groundedness of my 5. I cannot imagine being with anoer type--the intellect and mind of a 5 is something unmatched by any other type. I'd be either mentally bored, or overstimulated, by most other types. (I am introverted).

As a 1, commitment is possibly my highest value. We're at a tough time now, with me requesting a major relocation away from where he is comfortable....and I am not. we have always lived in "his" places. Can you advise on how I can best communicate (through words or actions) my commitment? (i have recently stated that I take my vows really seriously) and also that I understand his needs, too?
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
@perennialurker: Heh. A human data collector, just like my partner 5 :)

I'm a 1 married to a 5. Very new to the enneagram, but it's provided so many ah has for me.

I am at the point where rather than try to reform my 5 (completely guilty of doing this in our formative years) I want deeply to accept and understand him, while also facilitating (but not pushing for) his growth. I can see so many of my past unhealthy 1 traits, and how they must have hurt him at times.

to remedy this, I've been trying to verbally own up to my shit, as well as relax a lot more.

What has been difficult in our relationship is my understanding of his compartmentalization. He really compartmentalized his sexuality...while lacking the skills to explain it to me (not judging him here, just observing). It hurt when, early on, he turned to sex chat rooms, phone sex with others (we were in a long distance relationship for a while) and lots of porn. He wouldn't let me see this part of himself at ALL.

I'm sure the self-righteous way I dealt with this in an average/unhealthy state did not help. I could not grasp how he didn't see this as a betrayal of me. He, I think, could not grasp how I couldnt see his commitment to me, when clearly he had rearranged his life for me and expressed his commitment by moving in, later on proposing, etc.

ive learned to appreciate the groundedness of my 5. I cannot imagine being with anoer type--the intellect and mind of a 5 is something unmatched by any other type. I'd be either mentally bored, or overstimulated, by most other types. (I am introverted).

As a 1, commitment is possibly my highest value. We're at a tough time now, with me requesting a major relocation away from where he is comfortable....and I am not. we have always lived in "his" places. Can you advise on how I can best communicate (through words or actions) my commitment? (i have recently stated that I take my vows really seriously) and also that I understand his needs, too?
Assuming that he is in fact a Five- rational, straightforward, succinct explanations of what you want are best. In fact a clear road map of your relationship would probably be appreciated as Fives are probably the least comfortable with understanding even their own feelings and desires in emotional matters.

Tell him what you want and then give him some concrete examples of how and when you have and/or are willing to compromise and concede with him. Also make it clear to him that he is giving up some of his autonomy and freedom for a reason.

It might just be me, but I think that I need affection and warmth (not necessarily just sex, although from what it sounds like, he needs that too), BUT I know that all Fives definitely find it REALLY hard to ask for these things. I know that I am horribly embarrassed to acknowledge my desire for warmth and affection and only do so here because of the anonymity of the internet.

Paradoxically I am especially reluctant to ask for this from the people closest to me because I just feel that this is not what people want or expect from me. I'd be surprised if most other 5's don't share this complicated relationship with their emotions.

Don't try to change him too much, but do try to show him that by making small concessions he is getting a lot of intangibles such as emotional support and understanding that he could not get elsewhere.

Also this is unrelated to answering your question, but if you could indulge my curiosity, I noticed you are an INFJ- do you know your husband's MBTI?
 

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That was insightful, @perennialurker, thanks.

I am more certain about my husband's 5-ness than my own oneness. No other type comes remotely close to describing him at his best, average, and worst. :)

What you mentioned about affection--I've noticed that, too. My husband is actually more touchy-feely than I. Over time I intuited he really appreciates and needs physical affection, quite possibly more than sex. It means a lot to him. Your thoughts further iterate that.

He's an INT. Probably INTP. Not sure, and I think fairly balanced between the J and P. He won't take the quizzes (well, he would, but it's not worth asking him over, as I know he's highly skeptical of any of this stuff). Part of why we work, despite some of our past issues, is both being INs. I can respect his need for space and not feel de-energized or troubled by it.

You also mentioned not wanting to ask for what you need/want (e.g. physical affection). That reminds me of him: he really dislikes being dependent on a person, even if it's me. Last night he said, "Can i tell you a secret?" and I said sure. He told me his knee was still bothering him. A bit later, I said "why is that a secret?" and he said "because I don't want anyone to know something is wrong with me."

:)

I didn't make a big deal of it (would have in the past), just nodded and said I understood & would remind him in the morning to wear his knee brace.

Thank you again.
 
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