[Ekeh Mayu]

I wasn't really sure where to put these because I really don't care what my Enneagram Type is anymore. I believe it is a semi-pointless search for what I seek.

However I have noticed this disturbingly reptitive trend in my days:
That I wake up, and if I have slept well - feel refreshed for an hour or two. But in the progression, my energy intensifies after that.
To which I can bite my nails, over eat, read silly internet crap, etc... when I really want to go on a quest or adventure.
Eventually I bite my nails for like an hour and try doing something, like reading; but reading is the symbol of overintensity as I cannot get passed a page without editing the words to something else in my imagination or returning to biting my nails.
This all, or at the end of the day can develop from anxiety to dread to anger, for which I beat myself up with at night.
That is, if I have not done something significant that day, which I usually don't.

I just notice that i'm blasting through my energy or something..
I can only write under inspiration at certain moments of each day. And even things like school, eating, reading, I DON'T want to do until I have done something important in the day.
Thriving is more important then surviving, yet the worst of all is that even when I do seem to find peace. I have an erection.

I'm 19, and would be extremely dissatisfied is my energy is all based on puberty. As much as I would like to have the answer be a need for expression though,
I don't get it.

Can anybody relate or provide any insight?

As much as i'd rather have the energy in stead of apathy, this is prohibiting my ability to grow in energy. I don't want to be this same person. I typically try changing who I am through material things like clothes, but it's not changing anything for my body or soul - I don't think.
I'm ready to have a passive friend in like an aura of energy following me, in stead of always actively forcing change in myself because I can't do it in my internal/alone time it seems.

 

[Tucken]

I'm not sure how to go about this. Because it's like a web of thoughts and feels quite 'messy' in that I don't know what you're actually asking. What ARE you asking or talking about?
That's a very ninish way of communicating and you also drop more "9 hints" along the way so I'll work with the assumption that you're a nine from here..

Can anybody relate or provide any insight?

I relate much, but I'm not sure on the insight part even though I'll do my best.

However I have noticed this disturbingly reptitive trend in my days:

Basically you feel like you have a lot of energy and want to do something valuable/worthwhile. But you end up having done nothing and beat yourself up over it.
I hate those repetitive trends. They're so powerful. You know they're wrong, like cigarettes, but it's very hard to stop. We want so much (connection to 3) but can't get into action.

As much as I would like to have the answer be a need for expression though,
I don't get it.

I believe you guessed right, it IS a need for expression. A need to DO something, a need to show yourself, but I don't think it's because of puberty, but rather because you're a nine. 9's when healthy want action and realize their hidden wishes to be in the spot light.

As much as i'd rather have the energy in stead of apathy, this is prohibiting my ability to grow in energy.

What do you mean when you say "to grow in energy?"
I also want to change and grow for the better. The problem for me stems from a lack of motivation. I'm not sure what to do or why I should do it. Sometimes I get confused and feel like I don't know how to do something, but that's not it, really. It's what and why. So what is motivation? I say it's the same as strong feelings. If you're a nine that wants change you need motivation/strong feelings. Rage could do, in theory.

Watch out for habits and go find yourself something meaningful to do! (Truth is anything could do if you believe it's meaningful.)

 

[Ekeh Mayu]

I'm not sure how to go about this. Because it's like a web of thoughts and feels quite 'messy' in that I don't know what you're actually asking. What ARE you asking or talking about?
That's a very ninish way of communicating and you also drop more "9 hints" along the way so I'll work with the assumption that you're a nine from here..


I relate much, but I'm not sure on the insight part even though I'll do my best.


Basically you feel like you have a lot of energy and want to do something valuable/worthwhile. But you end up having done nothing and beat yourself up over it.
I hate those repetitive trends. They're so powerful. You know they're wrong, like cigarettes, but it's very hard to stop. We want so much (connection to 3) but can't get into action.


I believe you guessed right, it IS a need for expression. A need to DO something, a need to show yourself, but I don't think it's because of puberty, but rather because you're a nine. 9's when healthy want action and realize their hidden wishes to be in the spot light.


What do you mean when you say "to grow in energy?"
I also want to change and grow for the better. The problem for me stems from a lack of motivation. I'm not sure what to do or why I should do it. Sometimes I get confused and feel like I don't know how to do something, but that's not it, really. It's what and why. So what is motivation? I say it's the same as strong feelings. If you're a nine that wants change you need motivation/strong feelings. Rage could do, in theory.

Watch out for habits and go find yourself something meaningful to do! (Truth is anything could do if you believe it's meaningful.)

What I mean by the energy is that internally i'm a drama queen. I once asked a class in positive energy what if I cultivate or care about energy I create - and she responseded that that was a drama queen.
So to answer your question, I create this energy. And it may be deemed meaningless to everyone else, but I cant stand to stick myself in the position of perhaps no energy - apathy. That is what everyone else is.
I stir myself up whether I like it or not.
(as for my text, my thoughtd just feel rumbled lately - really hard to put things into words)
So anyways, it is like to grow in my energy in a healthy way. I already know I can do anything, be president, bece the next coming of christ, you know; I create the energy that I could do it; but perhapd this energy I hold onto is the one leading to a bitten cheek. As opposed to growing energy.

Unless I wait for the right time, it is like a disconnection between my inner guide and something else. I have creative thoughts when im not expecting them as when I pull out the diary/paper, im just watching this exploited well dry up. Where as if I wait to write on it, then it overflows.
I ramble..

Let me send and edit. I broke my collar bone and on vicodin, but I couldnt go to sleep without getting something out.

Okay so, back to growing in energy - it is like maybe this creation of mine falls into a false energy. Like setting myself up for hopelessness. As a comparison, I will use what I call face value items. Things that serve no purpose but an immediate, face impact.
I have noticed it in many if not all self descriptions. IE who are you? i am a homosexual, androgynous, thats a painter. All of those are like averse to a quest or process, averse to Ne. I have just shelfed my self in anending story. But really it is the aspect of something repetitive, like claiming im a painter implies that its part of, like my bathroom routine, to pull out the canvas and live this same life. That is over exxagerated; so lets just bring this back to energy.. (except like a face value card, the king will always be the player that sacrifices everyone for its safety)
So maybe if I connect to creative process in peace, then the energy issue is that a passive energy is one I force active that leads to a state of chaos, destined sabotage.. If that makes sense.
I think this energy is what disconnects me from reality by like, for example, replaying me breaking up, being alone, dying internally.

That's partiallywhere I mix this up with 4; but my e number is just another face value thing that I used to superficially seek out like another personality quiz.

I could use rage, but the issue is that I feel like im not self-aware when I play with my anger. I can see it as a possibility in that my dark inner world is something I can block off from writing; but again, anger makes me feel unaware.
My only desire in life is like to be self-aware. Like playingLegend of Zelda, always aware that im the avatar in this cute, greenbut everchanging outfit as opposed to focusing on becoming the sword that beats the game for me as I mash it.
Typically thks desire becomes an endless search for clothes or items that will bring me to that sense of being the character; but that doesnt really work out as I havent lived yet.

I'm kind of convinced that i'm the only thing meaningful too. I feel like im the only one thatcan change myself anyways because no one else cares.
And if I do a contrast of like an RPG where the items you find have meaning, the items, clothes, and jobs in real life are mostly garbage. Garbage in a true sense, like a plague. But not an interesting plague, like a rust storm.

I hope i'm making some sense as I squeeze my lemon of energy dry before passing out; but I cant fully answer what im looking for. I dont know if I come on the forums to whore out my energy when I dont care where the text wanders or if i'm sending cries of help when there is no one to relate to.
About six months or so ago, I felt done researching personality systems. I just searched for the words in them that would uplift my pitying moods.
But now that my motivation is to constantly live, I need to see What im doing wrong. A part of me just wants to admit my environment doesnt care at all and move on. So I dont have to hypercritically and stubbornly wear my ideals like a balloon done popping and only bouncing all back. In reality, i'm already a hermit that's alone and also possibly paradoxically, that has sealed himself up from too much emotional pain.
Sort of like this contradiction that I imagine myself with someone and in reality confront that i'm sleeping alone.

This text is a mess. I probably just need a companion that can paint me too so im not the only meaning-painter by active force.
But considering even how the quality of these posts is weak, i'm at a disconnect internally; so based on that, is there any ideas or insight?
I keep waiting and finding a day that may change, but it ends up just being just that perfect day accompanied by forgettable weeks. I can tell the disconnect by the inconsistencies of my days. I can see it from my unconscious in how it still dreams of times far passed. It doesnt even know where i've been. I dont even know where i've been.
Or maybe even, where am I? I just dont like this place, so I write to move on. And hope my energy can grow as my self-awareness becomes consistent or processing

 

[Tucken]

I'm at a loss. I think whatever energy you build up is really emotions trying to reach the surface. Writing is good, continue like this and you'll turn confusion into clarity. I don't mean to insinuate anything but I just recently found out about this guy and he's quite amazing- YouTube - tony robbins