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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I am an infp. After a few years of introspection and study I think it is the only type I can be. My tritype could possibly be 495. I am very introverted. I relate mostly to a 4w5 or 9w1 as my core. I am looking for my subtype/instinctual variants too. I will accept any gentle suggestions.

1. How would an author describe you in a book? Write the paragraph that would introduce you in a novel.

She sometimes gazed out the window longing for rain on a sunny day, thinking or daydreaming in a far off way. When it rained she drank tea all day while drawing pictures or reading books about fantasy lands. There was a wistful sadness about her yet she could be a fairy dancing through fields of flowers. She never danced though. She was far too shy and a little too clumsy. She had an awkward ethereal forlorned sort of air about her. In this modern world she seemed so out of place and fragile.

2. Think over the past day or week and make a mental list (you can also write it here) of ways other people have annoyed, angered, or otherwise bothered you - any situation where people have done one thing, while you wished they would have done another. Look at each of these instances and answer (you can make a list or make note of general patterns - an example is good):

a. How would I characterize the trait that bothered me?
b. Why did it bother me?
c. How did I react?
d. How do I wish I would have reacted?
e. If there was a discrepancy between c. and d., why did it come up?


This question is difficult because I don't talk much to people. I have been in isolation long before the pandemic. Now I just have a good excuse. The most recent thing I had a strong reaction to was a speech given by Trump about schools reopening, specifically he stated that the schools must "beautifully reopen in the fall". This angered me because of how much danger that will be putting children and adults in, and his wording just... It would be anything but beautiful. It would be a tragedy. This is old news now though, because schools are reopening, but that statement still bothers me. My husband is part of school staff so this worries me. I have been getting upset about things like this. I wish I could be calm, that I didn't have to get upset, but when things like this happen I can't calmly or quietly let it go.
(Sorry about the political stuff. The lack of compassion and excessive greed has been encompassing of my annoyances with people lately)

3. What holds you back in life? This can be an internal or external force. If that thing were gone, what would be different? What would you do?

Internally: My self doubt, my difficulty asserting and organizing myself. Being so socially awkward and conflict avoidant that I can't stand up for myself. Incapacitating myself through constant self evaluation that halts all progress in my artistic career

Externally: The world isn't made for a quiet artist. It is too competitive, loud, and aggressive, always seeking to desensitize or push my sensitive nature through tragedy and violence.

If these things did not hold me back maybe I would live in peace and pursue my dreams without resistance or struggle.

4. Your deepest secret has just been revealed to the person or people from whom you most wished to keep it. How do you feel? How do you react? What are the results on your life?

I would probably feel anxiety and some sense of relief, yet horrified that I have now come to the point at which I must face the argument I have been fearing for years. I would probably want to flee from the encounter. I don't like to be put on the spot and forced to explain myself. I hate arguing. I don't know if it would make things better or worse for my relationship to either person.

5. You are offered one of three gifts: a bottle filled with water from the Fountain of Life, a crown which will give you peaceful dominion over the world's people for your entire (full) lifetime, and a ring which will unite you with your true love and ensure a happy, passionate marriage. Which do you choose and why? What are your hesitations and motivations?

If I am already married to my true love I probably don't need the ring, yet it would also ensure a happy and passionate marriage and we have struggled through enough tragedies together. I wonder if the bottle filled with water from the fountain of life holds enough for two.

6. You are offered one of three houses. The first is located in a big city and has historic and artistic value: it was designed by a great architect and was owned by interesting people in the past. Owning this house is very prestigious and guarantees you social status and a circle of friends, but it also comes with responsibility - you must keep the house up to code, manage the household, and give parties and events. The second house you may design using your imagination - literally your dream house - it is located in a very secluded location and no one is allowed to visit this house except you and your immediate family. The third house is very nice, but has no particular aesthetic appeal - a McMansion in short. It is in an extremely convenient location and is very secure. It is impossible for thieves to break in and it has no danger of natural disasters. You are guaranteed to be able to sell the house for double the price in twenty years. Which do you choose and why? What are your hesitations and motivations?

The second house without a doubt. It would be deep in the woods, a fairy tale cottage of some sort surrounded by trees and home to gentle animals that I hold conversations with, fairies that I see from time to time, and perhaps a secret door into another land of magic that I can freely enter and return from. There would also be a beautiful garden.

7. You are offered one of three doors. The first opens to a world that is dangerous and demands mental or physical skill to navigate through, but also has great rewards to be gained: think of the worlds portrayed on the shows Game of Thrones or Supernatural. The second opens to a world that is full of wonders, magic, and knowledge, which can be learned or experienced, but there is little solid resting ground - think of the worlds portrayed in the shows Doctor Who or in the multi-media phenomenon A Hitchkiker's Guide to the Galaxy. The third opens to a world where you may experience a life of peaceful, uneventful poverty - think of the hobbits in the series Lord of the Rings or most of the animals living in Narnia. Which do you choose and why? What are your hesitations and motivations?

I was going to say wonders and magic, but then you offered me a Hobbit house and Narnia. I choose the Hobbit house. This is sort of my dream along with the previous secluded fairy tale cottage in the woods that no one can visit.

8. What do you wish people understood about you? Talk about a time you were misunderstood.

I wish people understood that I need patience and that I am more sensitive than I let others know. I also wish that when people discover that I am sensitive and shy it is not an invitation to change that. I am not self centered, but I think I am seen that way sometimes. As an artist, I need to exlore things and look at myself in ways that don't make sense to others. I mean well I just struggle at relationships and really would just rather focus on my relationship with my husband than anyone else. I also hate social obligations and gatherings. I am also not unintelligent, just occasionally unintelligible. I would rather be quiet and let things go than argue my point or prove my knowledge. I hate arguing, and I hate the word hate but people have said it so much around me that now I'm using the word. It would cause me far less stress if others just let me be and accepted that I just can't get it right the way that they want or expect sometimes. Also, just let me pretend. I know the world is cruel. Let me have my fairy tales.

9. What do you hope people won't notice about you? What are you uncomfortable being teased about?

I don't really want people to know how sensitive I really am, because I've been teased about this before, so I don't show it.

10. What's worse - to be seen as caring more than you do or less than you do? Why? Do you think you come across one way or the other? Do you typically pretend to care more or to care less?

I think I come across as caring less than I do, but I care about things a little too much. I am just highly affected by things and need time. I don't think most people could handle it if I were more open about my feelings. My feelings are a complicated tangled mess to explain to others.

11. Think about a time that someone else tried to control your actions - to tell you what to do, to manipulate you, or influence you. How did you feel and how did you react? What went through

I don't like being manipulated, but this happens with my mother. She has a very strict idea of what is right in the world and she conveys this through passive insults. She wants me to be a certain way so she makes it known through covert manipulation of my feelings. She wanted a good girl, so she told me when I was a good girl and when I was not, "that is not what a good girl would do/say". It goes deeper than that and I don't want to discuss it too much.

12. When you first meet someone, what are your first thoughts? What judgments do you make and what kinds of considerations do you have? Are you more concerned with what they think of you or what you think of them? If you are preparing to meet someone new, what do you hope about them and what do you fear about them?

Umm... I don't know. This is another hard one since I don't meet a lot of new people on a regular basis, but I do craft fairs and will encounter many people. I am mostly worried about what they think of me. I am accepting of other people. If someone were overly aggressive or angry or threatening in some way I might be concerned about that. Sometimes I get strange comments that will stick to me.

13. Think about the last time you cried (if you've recently lost a loved one or gone through another similarly difficult experience, you can go back further and choose a random instance). What caused this? Who was around? Were you crying out of sadness, joy, frustration, or some other factor? How did you feel afterwards? Did it change anything? Is this typical for you?

I was tearfully trying to explain my feelings to my husband the other day, which was a complex mess of a few different built up issues that were interrelated for me. This is typical, and my husband is used to this. He helped me work it out even if he was perhaps a little confused. This is only a recent example, but I cry often. Some movies make me cry. I don't cry at funerals. I don't like to feel like I'm supposed to have a group feeling.

14. Think about the last time you felt really happy, joyful, or satisfied. What caused this feeling? What was different? What keeps you from feeling this way all the time?

I feel these feelings most in nature, or when I have come to some point of self understanding, or just moments of peace. I was sitting on the steps of my house with my husband not long ago, watching birds and squirrels and talking about our dreams and feelings. I was making up a silly story in my head about a moth that landed on my dress. I felt happiness then. I can often be depressed though. Winter seems to give way to my darker moods, but I never seem to leave the house as much as I wish to when it is warm enough to go out. I would say that I am the one that stands in the way of my happiness.

15. If you were a tragic hero, what would be your fatal flaw? If you were a character in a comedy, what would be your distinguishing trait (i.e. stingy with money, fastidious, shallow, pretentious, etc.) Do you think others would agree with these?

My fatal flaw would be my constant inner turmoil
My distinguishing trait would be uhh... This one is harder. Probably my constant inner turmoil could be comedic too. Like a romantic, dreamy, artist in constant inner turmoil that spends too much time thinking about fairies. A tragic comedy most likely. I don't know.

16. Think over the past day or week and make a mental list (you can also write it here) of ways that you have done badly - by yourself, by others, etc. - any time that you have done something, and wish you would have done better. How would you characterize these instances? What caused you to fail and what was your reaction? Are you more likely to be hard on yourself or to find excuses for yourself?

I have been hard on myself lately because I feel like I am a failure as an artist and a writer or time will prove it, because I will never make enough of a paycheck to sustain the life my husband and I dream of, and that he will be trapped in a job forever.

17. a. Imagine meeting an evil version of yourself - your 'dark side' - and describe this person.
b. Describe your ideal self.


Sorry but this is going to be written in the form of a short story because it makes more sense this way to me

My evil self:
It began with a choice. Three items of power.
I have not left the cottage in the woods for centuries. The village knows I still live, for their land is still cursed. Once my love and I drank from the bottle filled with the water of life together we lived out our dream, but when we realized that we should share the wisdom and knowledge we had acquired over our long lifespans things changed. We destroyed the cities for their own good, to let nature flourish, but the people grew angry. After what was most prescious to me was taken away I became the evil thing whose tears poison the land. Every year I take something that someone else loves so they know what I feel. What was once my dream has become a shadow.

My ideal self:
I knew that all I wanted was happiness with my true love. I did not seek love anymore. We were already united, but I wanted every moment we had together to be filled with passion and joy. It meant that I had to accept the truth, what was real, what I feared. I had to let go of the things that kept me from being happy, so I accepted my faults. When I did that, all that I thought was wrong with me no longer mattered. I was at peace. I lived passionately happy and in harmony with my true love in our little cottage at one with nature.

18. What is your experience with and how do you deal with the following:
a. loneliness
: I can get lonely despite preferring to be alone. I work at home so this is when it happens, so I focus on my work, unless the feeling on loneliness is too distracting, then I am probably to caught in the feeling of loneliness by that point
b. doubt : My doubt is in myself. When I get trapped in self doubt all my progress comes to a pause.
c. boredom : this happens, but I have a lot of introverted activities. Social family gatherings bore me. If I'm bored and have nothing productive to do I am probably playing videogames or watching TV with my husband
d. laziness : I feel like I can be fairly lazy and more lazy than I want to admit to. Mundane chores are the worst
e. temper : I don't have a strong temper.

19. Which of the 'seven deadly sins' - pride, wrath, sloth, envy, lust, gluttony, avarice - do you relate to most and why? Which do you relate to least and why? Feel free to go into depth about these.

I relate most to envy and sloth. I relate least to pride and wrath

20. Link a song you relate to and explain why.

I don't know why this one seems the most complicated. Maybe it is too personal. Maybe I'll find a song and post it later, but this is getting really long.
 

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Discussion Starter #2
My song is brightly wound by eisley

I thought of it right away, but I wanted to keep it for myself. It is more true of who I am though than what I could explain. It is a song I have listened to over and over in one day. It feels like holding onto a memory so beautiful and perfect, a sunlit glowing field of flowers where I am like a child, just me an my love holding hands. There is a hazy feeling, tears in my eyes, sorrow on a summer day. Humming insects flit around us glimmering in the light. I would keep this moment forever and never leave. I don't want to go home because I might forget how beautiful this day was. I could believe in magic, because I think we have been spirited away to the land of fae. My hair tangled with flowered by fairy fingers. My dress is white. I will never go home. Make believe is much too fun. I don't even know if I am here or if this is a memory. Let's just keep pretending that the clouds are dragons and we are trapped on this meadow together forever.
 

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I wanted to muse a little on my own since I have not yet received a reply.
I speak of being sensitive yet I do not tell of the sensitive child I am inside, a child that resides in a forest deep with in a cave, the trees at the forest's edge burned away by all of the slanted remarks others have made. They are angry at me, and they want to take me away from my cave. I don't think I've harmed anyone, but they want to harm me. They think I am strange. Sensitive is a word others call me when they don't understand why I'm crying, or they want to make fun of me. To one who experiences sensitivity, the word alone is shallow and painful. It means I must keep myself protected and secluded away to understand why I feel this way, why the words someone said to me in just a certain way can seem to cut so deeply yet no one else notices. Every wound is a piece of my spirit someone has torn away. I want to go out and see the flowers but they are thorny, and I feel so exposed.
I relate to being a 4, but I don't relate to being openly dramatic or inciting drama. At least I don't see it that way. I asked my husband and he agreed that I am neither. I don't want to feel as much as I feel sometimes. I don't understand why people say things almost as if they try to purposefully harm me. I am trying to regrow my forest. I know it was once beautiful. When did it become so damaged.
I could have written more for each of my answers. I forgot to write about a fault others see in me, my indecision. It was a running joke in my family that I couldn't decide for myself anything. Maybe I was too sensitive about it to even mention. It is hard to explain how I come to a decision. I am constantly evaluating myself. I want to think through my choices carefully. I can look at a blank page in my sketchbook for hours just deciding what I wish to draw, torn in pieces by everything I could and would like to create or regretful that I can never do it all. There is always remorse.
Answering these questions I felt like I couldn't really answer with the depth I wanted to, because I wanted to keep myself safe. When I had to wonder what would make me turn to evil I saw what my greatest fear was, what would bring forth my darkest expression. I would have to lose the most important thing to me. So is it 9 then? I truly do fear loss. I know this. I have known this through the dreams I've had as a child of losing loved one where I wake up crying.
If the childhood wounds are true, I did grow up in a house filled with conflict. I was a quiet and shy child. I was called shy at least. It is a shield of my own that I use now. I remember speaking up for myself very little, but when I did maybe it seemed overly dramatic because other couldn't seem to handle my expressions.
I can be excessivly perfectionistic, stuck fixing things until it feels right when everything seems wrong to me. I can edit a chapter to it's demise. I could relate to being a 9w1. I have no association with being assertive. I am no 8 wing. When I was young I learned what was wrong and what was right, but when I got older I began to see why some of the things I was taught were wrong had only been the fears my parents held of the unknown. I've explored things my mother would never understand. She wanted a good and acceptable child. When I was depressed she wouldn't see it, even when I told her she told me I was too young to know.
I always seem to be searching for myself though, seeking identity. I express this through my clothing. I don't like being told what to wear. I've had to wear school uniforms and I always stood out a little oddly. It could just be that I am an infp and I like to explore. Lately I'm happy wearing dresses in muted earthy colors that catch in the breeze and make me feel like a fairy. I need to be comfortable though. I think I could have SP in my subtype, but I am certainly not a reckless SP 4 as I have read. It is wrong and I know it. I am cautious to dangers and to the world outside of me.
I don't know my head type for sure, so my tritype is difficult. I most often test as 4 and 9 evenly. I've seen 5 before though, but the questions are read as introverted. I've seen infps who talk about how they love people, that they have charisma. I'm not this infp. I can be quite playful though.
I don't even think it matters truly if I know any of this. I just want to make sense of a few things. Part of me doesn't want all the answers either. It is so difficult to share the vulnerable aspects of my identity though. They make up my past and who I am. I feel like I'm giving myself away. I would rather keep this all inside and delete this entire thread of my own, but since I cannot delete it I will express myself more in hopes that someone will be able to give me some clarity.
 

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I don't have anything to add as enneagram is a very complicated and mysterious system to me in many ways, and I am still quite stranger to it. However, when I read your words, something inside of me glitters. As if we share a secret language. The way you write is so beautiful and heartfelt, and I can tell that every word conceals a piece of your heart. I also relate to the way you express yourself. To me, when I write, it feels as if my heart is infinite taffy, and I could stretch it forever with my words, and they forever tumble from the secret labyrinth of my being. Every word extents from the purest fiber of who I am.

Your memory especially sounds lovely, and something like out of a vision from my past. I have such visions as well. Of being a little girl with sparkling eyes and a light heart, tumbling through an old and greying wood, while beneath an auburn sky finding a familiar little cottage filled with rosy, warm secrets, welcoming me like a young dream. That is perhaps how I would describe my vision from a song :)

Whoever we are, whatever layers may capture us, we have the blood of moonlight and hearts of petals, searching for magic in our lives. We look through light and dark to discover what our hearts thirst for. I thought I was a four too, but the deeper I wandered into enneagram, the more and more puzzled I felt. Hopefully, you can come to terms with what captures your heart most. Personality theory indeed fascinates me, but I have learned that drowning in it only leads to eternal confusion, at least for myself. So I try not to let it suffocate me, even though I forever feel the roaring desire to discover myself, as you do now. I hope in time that we can find the keys we yearn for. That we can learn and transcend and feel enlightened. That we can feel at peace with ourselves, illuminated, liberated, fulfilled.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
@glittercloud

It gave me an airy wonderful feeling when I read the beautiful words contained in your response. Perhaps I am a 4, because I felt envy toward another whom could capture the essence of her feelings so eloquently, but when I don't let my envy ruin me it can show me paths to my truer feelings. I have been reading your posts this morning, seeing a reflection of myself in your confusion, the Cinderella slipper that never quite fits. I don't think it will ever fit as true as we wish, because the very journey we must eternally embark upon in our minds is always seeking for slipper that fits a little better. Sometimes I think I have found a style, a garment, an interest, a creative outlet that is my castle where I may dwell in for all time. It is comfortable and familiar there for a while, but a piece of me changes. I wish I could find a castle that let's me touch it with my imagination and change it to my desire.
I thought that my love of nature must make me an isfp. I don't know for sure if I am infp still, but I wanted to call out to you and take your hand to the same doors I had once walked through and ask if you saw what I was seeing. I wanted to say that I think there is something quite similar and peculiar about us. I think we have eyes that are alike, eyes that see wonder for we still speak of fairies and glimmers of magic. I am of the age of an adult, but I feel like I am still a little girl with all the dreams of one day swimming with mermaids. I feel like I don't fit into this world, so all I can do is make art and write.
I know the glitter feeling. I think of it as something like air and magic, a lightness. When you read about infps you feel it too, don't you? It's not as bright and shimmering as you like, but when you look into those other doors there seems something must be not quite right with you if you are any other type but infp. The other door are scratchy. That's the only way I can come to any conclusion myself at least.
I wish you wonderous daydream, glittery feelings and magical journeys my fellow wandering fairy. I hope you find what you seek.
 

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@glittercloud

It gave me an airy wonderful feeling when I read the beautiful words contained in your response. Perhaps I am a 4, because I felt envy toward another whom could capture the essence of her feelings so eloquently, but when I don't let my envy ruin me it can show me paths to my truer feelings. I have been reading your posts this morning, seeing a reflection of myself in your confusion, the Cinderella slipper that never quite fits. I don't think it will ever fit as true as we wish, because the very journey we must eternally embark upon in our minds is always seeking for slipper that fits a little better. Sometimes I think I have found a style, a garment, an interest, a creative outlet that is my castle where I may dwell in for all time. It is comfortable and familiar there for a while, but a piece of me changes. I wish I could find a castle that let's me touch it with my imagination and change it to my desire.
I thought that my love of nature must make me an isfp. I don't know for sure if I am infp still, but I wanted to call out to you and take your hand to the same doors I had once walked through and ask if you saw what I was seeing. I wanted to say that I think there is something quite similar and peculiar about us. I think we have eyes that are alike, eyes that see wonder for we still speak of fairies and glimmers of magic. I am of the age of an adult, but I feel like I am still a little girl with all the dreams of one day swimming with mermaids. I feel like I don't fit into this world, so all I can do is make art and write.
I know the glitter feeling. I think of it as something like air and magic, a lightness. When you read about infps you feel it too, don't you? It's not as bright and shimmering as you like, but when you look into those other doors there seems something must be not quite right with you if you are any other type but infp. The other door are scratchy. That's the only way I can come to any conclusion myself at least.
I wish you wonderous daydream, glittery feelings and magical journeys my fellow wandering fairy. I hope you find what you seek.

Thank you for these words, my fellow fairy. My heart beams with a beautiful, golden sense of peace as I read your words. I have recently been feeling very tormented, very lost in myself. Still, I know the girl that glimmers within, I feel her inside of me. With every passing day, in this weeping, bitter world, she laughs and weeps inside of me. I feel her smile as I slip into the worlds home to me, in lore and tales of magic, in the gossamer and stories of the fae. Like you, I am searching for something I know and don't know, in the in-between. I feel the same shimmer inside when I read about INFP, as you described, a restless knowing. But it still doesn't capture all that I am, all the shades, the colors, the feelings. However, when I read your words, they unbind me from the spell of darkness I have been battling. And I feel a dazzling sense of harmony and joy born inside of me. Whoever I will become, what the future holds, remains a mystery, but I relish in the magic I have known my entire life, and it gives me solace. Perhaps we are not of one type. We are beings of light and darkness, water and air, old fires and twilight skies, burning mysteries and longings and cloudy wishes. We are feelings, memories, thousands of secrets. We are undefinable, transcending lands and centuries. Thank you for restoring the glittering feeling inside of me. Indeed, it felt so far away. Still, I don't feel as bathed in it as I once did. The world carries only wooden shoes, plastic ones, heavy ones. But in our hearts, I think the glass slipper exists somewhere. The transparent sense of wonder, of feeling content-it's in our hearts and minds. I wish I could find it somewhere in the world beyond, but I have yet to do so.

And please, don't succumb to feelings of envy. I know them too well, and they enslaved me for the longest time. While my words are spun with the purest gold of my heart, yours also shimmer with a special light. Though both creatures from the same world, I believe, we both have our own special stories, memories, longings. You have an exquisite way of expressing yourself that no one can ever parallel.

I wish you a magnificent path of love, hope, fulfillment, frosted with the magic you desire too. May we unlock that special light again.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
@glittercloud
Stepping out into the mist drenched night, I am so glad I have come to this quiet part of the forest to let our words dance under the weeping moonlight. Of darkness and light we truly are beings that can never be contained by letters and numbers. Never settled, we will always discover more that understanding may never contain, but we step through the veil to touch our inner darkness and light, the memories and passions that make us who we are. We express what we may in hope that we can show magic to the world. Care for your wonderous notions and cling to what you cherish. May we run barefoot tonight.

I wonder if you relate to being either a 4 or 9 too. I find myself so drawn to peaceful things, searching for ways to calm my mind so that I may find some rest and solace. I am very much feeling contentment settle upon my query as I begin to realize how much I wish to be a gentle being, soft spoken and harmless, at one with nature. Yet the turmoil and envy often grasps me, forcing me to see the shadows and twisting angles that are a part of me.

Either way I will keep hold of what you say and let the shimmering light of my words be more free. Maybe they express a more pure part of my being than I realize.
 

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@glittercloud
Stepping out into the mist drenched night, I am so glad I have come to this quiet part of the forest to let our words dance under the weeping moonlight. Of darkness and light we truly are beings that can never be contained by letters and numbers. Never settled, we will always discover more that understanding may never contain, but we step through the veil to touch our inner darkness and light, the memories and passions that make us who we are. We express what we may in hope that we can show magic to the world. Care for your wonderous notions and cling to what you cherish. May we run barefoot tonight.

I wonder if you relate to being either a 4 or 9 too. I find myself so drawn to peaceful things, searching for ways to calm my mind so that I may find some rest and solace. I am very much feeling contentment settle upon my query as I begin to realize how much I wish to be a gentle being, soft spoken and harmless, at one with nature. Yet the turmoil and envy often grasps me, forcing me to see the shadows and twisting angles that are a part of me.

Either way I will keep hold of what you say and let the shimmering light of my words be more free. Maybe they express a more pure part of my being than I realize.

I long to run barefoot, even though the memory feels so distant-a glittering anguish stirring my heart, with the madness of childhood riding me-I remember the feeling of being alive. I wish that for just one night, the moon could cast me under its spell, and I could be transformed anew, with poetry draping my heart and stars for eyes, riding on the clouds of love, freedom, joy. But such beautiful wildness is only a ghostlike memory to me. Now I feel constricted by a darkness that will never leave me, forever biting my heart and spite for myself that coils my entire being. Still, every so often, I feel the winds of time whisper to the girl that sleeps deep, deep inside of me. I feel its lullaby stirring my heart and the promise of one day finding the moonlight again. But then, a moment later, I feel lost. Perhaps that sense of never feeling satisfied, never found, is what gives us such seeking, spilling, tantalizing hearts. We desire something that forever dazzles us, leaving us yearning inside.

I used to relate to being a 4 very much, especially the quench for something more inside. Like my heart, though wearing many wings, never feels like it can fly. But now I have begun to discover other deeper undertones, like a menacing feeling of unworthiness, pride, a desire for love, a longing for joy. So many circling desires and motivations that I have trouble understanding my core type too. I tend to come across as a 9, with eyes like old rain. People often tell me that I come across as easygoing and relaxed. I feel that way too-a lovely sense of harmony billowing across my soul. But while people can only see the placid surface of me, inside is a fiery and desperate, simmering volatility that never dies, forever shimmering inside of me. Even though one side of me feels very tepid, I also have a heart and mind of fire, eternally blazing. Like you, I hold an incompletion, a desire, desperation.

I hope that, in surrendering the voices of our hearts to each other across space and time, we can both unlock our purest selves, underneath the shadows, and embrace their beauty. That we may keep seeking the spell of moonlight, with compassion and freedom, conquering our darkness. And that we both may rediscover our inner light.
 

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I too know how shrouded the moonlight can seem. I lose my way to the clearing in my forest too. Where the path once lay is now hidden by fallen leaves, so I must find my way all over again. It must be my curse. In myself I am often so lost. I wistfully gaze upon illusions and fantasies as time fades further from me. I create stories, yet I don't live the story of my life. I don't even know what being present feels like. I see through a fog that has never cleared. I may glimpse fragments of life that make my starry eyes sparkle, the wonder in a fleeting shimmering moment, a detail that no other seems to notice. I take these wonderous fragments, these pieces of fairytale magic into my fog, gathered into a pouch for me to play with. I am forgetful though. I've lost many of my wonderous fragments, or maybe I destroyed them myself, or perhaps they can be seen in my words, in my art, in the way I will choose to live my life, in my dreams of a cottage in a fairy wood where my love and I reside forever in peace. I can only try to live my life in ways that bring wonder and magic and starlight to my eyes. You will find your fragments of wonder too, and the moonlight will again shine down upon you. I suspect I have lived years longer than you have. I don't know if this provides you any solace, but I know how I curse myself, how I bite my own heart, how the insanity of my childhood and the years they say are my adulthood seem more than the little girl within me should have had to endure. How I will forever wish for her that she had been written into a fairy story instead of this life, that she could have been spirited away and replaced with a changeling, but I too have my loves and fragments of wonder I would never forget. Show the world your wonders in your own art, your own ancient language. Reveal the secrets only your heart knows, because they are true to you. Follow yourself into depths and grow new wings.

You might be a 4 and I a 9. I cannot know. Search for your glimmer to tell you what is right for you. I know I have hidden my words away from the world. I have lived in my cave instead of letting others see me. I have been told I am many things, words that speak of how much I shelter my heart; withdrawn, quiet, shy, closed off. I have been told I am not friendly or helpful or kind or things that people should want to be, but I have been told there is a calm peacefulness about me too. This makes me feel fluttery and soft. I am a peace seeker. I seek out serenity in nature, in rainfall, in the gentle fingers of the wind running her hand through the leaves, in a still pond were invisible ripples radiate from the toes of fairies skipping across the water.

I hope you find what you seek, and I hope the moonlight will part through the trees and illuminate a way for you to find your wonder. I see the wonder in your words starry eyed one.

@glittercloud
If you would like to talk privately, I feel that I am revealing too much of myself to this thread. It makes me wish to flee and wrap myself quietly away.
 
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