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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello there.
I have got quite a sticky situation on my hands and i require some advice. I have an ENFJ girlfriend, and thought this might not be the ideal combination for me, we get along very well, except when she is upset for different reasons (it does not really matter, and they do not necessarily come from me e.g. minor health problems, other persons, stress from to much work on her hands, etc).

When she is upset because of the reasons mentioned above, she will close up inside herself, becoming a very different person: she does not want to talk, and she has this very pessimistic attitude about everything, including me and our relationship and she is very cold to me. I do try to cheer her up and some of the times, I usually do... But most of the times, things do not improve and i really have to be very careful and control myself in order not to worsen the situation over the day and occasionally the next few. This is very draining and my efforts to help her lessen the harshness of her reactions have not been... well frankly have had no effect whatsoever this far (except for her admitting that she might want to do something about it) . Mind you, she has these reactions even when the problem is a minor one, like an insignificant ache, that lasts no longer than 2-3 days.

So... in order to help and channel your efforts, I have these questions for you guys:

1)Is this common for an ENFJ?
2)What might cause her unrelated problems to make her shut down towards me?
3)What is the best way of helping her soften her reactions?
4)Is there any other way of preventing these reactions?
5)If the above methods fail, How would you cheer her up, once she is sad?
6)Any other useful comment/addition/anecdote is welcome, so if you still have the patience to help me, please do so:laughing:.

That`s about all i can think of. Hope i can engage in a constructive conversation soon:crazy:
 

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MOTM Feb 2011
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When she is upset because of the reasons mentioned above, she will close up inside herself
I do this sometimes. I find that stepping back from everything and everyone gives me a chance to think and analyse my feelings.
pessimistic attitude about everything, including me and our relationship and she is very cold to me. I do try to cheer her up and some of the times, I usually do... But most of the times, things do not improve and i really have to be very careful and control myself in order not to worsen the situation over the day and occasionally the next few. This is very draining and my efforts to help her lessen the harshness of her reactions have not been... well frankly have had no effect whatsoever this far (except for her admitting that she might want to do something about it) . Mind you, she has these reactions even when the problem is a minor one, like an insignificant ache, that lasts no longer than 2-3 days.
I wouldn't call myself pessimistic and I don't tend to fret over a small ailment such as you named (I've been raised to be a little tougher and more independent than some women I know). The only reason I would take it out on my SO is if he has added something to my existing stress. You should ask her if you have pissed her off or hurt her when this happens. She will either say that yes you have and elaborate or she will say sorry for appearing cold towards you without meaning to ...sometimes it appears that it is purposeful but we can just be so absorbed with our thoughts.

If the above methods fail, How would you cheer her up, once she is sad?
What is her love language? Alot of ENFJs value quality time, so a quiet dinner you cooked for her and a listening ear, some cuddles are always good.


My ISFJ does sometimes accuse me of being up and down with my moods (though his type likes things straight down the middle and predictable so no wonder). So I guess from a male (and a T rather than F perspective for you) it may appear this way. It's just that ENFJs feel things so deeply, add to that the N and we can tie ourselves up in quite a knot. We also are highly sensitive to criticism, it wounds us for alot longer than we sometimes let on.
 

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As a fellow ENTJ, I understand where you are coming from. This problem extends beyond ENFJ types and I've been in relationships with (many) woman before where this has been the issue.

But wow. 2-3 days? You are one patient man. Kudos for that.

My only advice is to try to figure out why she is acting the way she is. Try to find the real root of it. Then, once you start to discover it. Stop. Maybe its just me, but I'm quick to want to fix things. I want to provide advice. I want to defeat sad feelings like I would with any other problem - find the solution and execute. However, sometimes she just needs support and someone to talk to and have them understand... and that's it. The concept is almost foreign to me (if you don't want a solution, why talk about it?), but I have to make a conscious effort to just be there and listen. So maybe you are trying to hard lessening her feelings (indirectly dismissing the way she feels) and cheering her up instead of being supportive? You know, just understand what is bothering her and accepting it for what it is?
 

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MOTM Feb 2011
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However, sometimes she just needs support and someone to talk to and have them understand... and that's it. The concept is almost foreign to me (if you don't want a solution, why talk about it?), but I have to make a conscious effort to just be there and listen. So maybe you are trying to hard lessening her feelings (indirectly dismissing the way she feels) and cheering her up instead of being supportive? You know, just understand what is bothering her and accepting it for what it is?
It is because she solves her problems by vocalising them and venting etc.

Once you have sat and listened to her she will probably fix the problem herself, although a little advice when it is asked for is ok as long as you only answer the question she asked and don't go about fixing the whole thing for her because she needs to do that for herself.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 · (Edited)
It is because she solves her problems by vocalising them and venting etc.

Once you have sat and listened to her she will probably fix the problem herself, although a little advice when it is asked for is ok as long as you only answer the question she asked and don't go about fixing the whole thing for her because she needs to do that for herself.
I tried listening to her without trying to fix anything, but the odd thing is that she is not usually open about her problems, she just acts very cold, and tells me there is nothing wrong with her, only accepting there is a problem later on in the conversation. She does not seem to want to share the problem, rather, just wait it out alone. I probably am overzealous of fixing anything so i will try to control myself in the future:-?.

thanks for the insights. :laughing:
 

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MOTM Feb 2011
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I tried listening to her without trying to fix anything, but the odd thing is that she is not usually open about her problems, she just acts very cold, and tells me there is nothing wrong with her, only accepting there is a problem later on in the conversation. She does not seem to want to share the problem, rather, just wait it out alone. I probably am overzealous of fixing anything so i will try to control myself in the future:-?.

thanks for the insights. :laughing:
Hmmm, sounds a bit unhealthy. Maybe you need to tell her how this makes you feel when she is cold and that she needs to be more open with you about her feelings if this relationship is to work and be a healthy one.
 

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It is strange that this seems to be the issue. I have recently started dating an entj male(im an enfj female). We have had a rocky start. It would seem that the only emotions that he has is happiness or anger. He like his space and this is difficult for me because I want our lives to be part of each others. However he balances me out greatly and helps me to get in touch with my logical side. For example, I have been having problems with roommates. I told him I was moving out and I was going to stay in a hotel for a while. I called him back and expressed my fear and concern( im in college, worried about how such a large life change would affect my perfomance in classes, etc). I got upset because he didn't seem to understand why I was so stressed(my interpretation). His reaction was "well if you dont want to take my advice then dont tell me your f*ing problems". Obviously I was really floored by this statement. Then I recieved a text that said "I love you and I know that you are stronger than this. By focusing on your worries, you aren't going to be able to make the decisions that are going to get you through this". He is learning to understand my emotions as I am learning to tolerate and respect is independence and rational side. To the point, sometimes I get to the point where I feel uncomfortable with telling him my problems because he never seems to understand how to validate them without immediately trying to give a logical solution. Perhaps your girlfriend feels that when she presents her issues you try to solve them instead of understanding that she is just looking to vent.
 

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Keep in mind the 20-80 rule by Joeseph M. Juran for quality management. Fix 20% of the minor bugs and 80% of the major bugs will fix itself. I wonder if it's some minor thing that is making your girlfriend feel that way, probably is. Maybe she feels that her problem is so insignificant that it's not worth talking about? Happens to me, i feel like my problems are petty compared to the problems that other people/world face. So i ignore them. I'd say to let her know that you're open and all. Gahh ok whatever OP said.
 
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