[curious0610]

So, recently, I became very interested in someone.... our departments our working together on a project and he is directing this one. Department protocol asks us to keep our personal and professional life separated, office dating is fine as long as it is after we are done working on a project. Therefore, there is a professional boundary. for now. So until we finish this project, we can develop a "professional rapport" but no personal friendship or relationship. :dry:

Anyway, I initially thought this person was INFJ, but after further interactions and observations of him, I realized he's ENTJ. He showed interest in me first - randomly engaged in a friendly conversation with me, and we talked about all sorts of stuff within the first 10-15 minutes. It was a very efficient conversation haha.... i learned a lot about him, and i was surprised to see how much he could draw out from me within that given time. Second time he showed interest, was at a conference when I saw him intently studying/observing me and we made eye contact several times. After that segment though, I tried looking for him, but I think he moved to another spot where he could study me better without me noticing? I copied/pasted all the points that apply to me, from a list someone posted on the thread "how can I tell if an ENTJ is interested in me?"

He has given me subtle hints such as the following:
- Engage in a random friendly conversation with you
-Give you eye contact
-Smile more than I usually do when I see you or talk to you
-Joke with you to see if you have any insecurities to see how you respond under pressure (yeah, I know I might sound mean on this one but I'm a jokester and like to joke to kill the serious tone people have around me sometimes) <- at the meeting, he joked in front of everyone after i responded that "i just decided.... you're the one i'm going to pick on from now on, for this project. yeah."
-Speak with a softer voice than usual to you (can't help you if you're tone deaf) <- he says my name in a VERY soft, gentle voice. I smile just thinking about it. :blushed: He has a very commanding/dictating way of doing role, but when it comes to my name, he gets very soft/gentle about it. And he always says my name more gently and softly, i just can't get this out of my mind right now!
-Ask personal questions about you <- at first.
- There was one time, i needed an exception to the deadline. I asked him in advance, it was reasonable, and he approved without giving it a second thought. however, to be fair , he gave everyone the same exception.

However, after we found out we were assigned to the same project, which he is directing, we both took a step back, i think, to concentrate on the project and kinda back off. But he still does the joking/saying my name in a softer voice. At lunch yesterday, we drafted a part of the project, but beforehand i researched some of his interests and asked about those topics, asked him to elaborate more after offering my own opinion, things like that. I was nervous at one point - i usually dont show that i am nervous, and most people can't tell, but i end up playing with my earrings/hair pins more. I didn't realize i was doing this, but yeah... HE did. He would sort of trail off in the conversation and keep staring at what I was doing, and would lose track of what he was saying and started saying incohesive phrases/words, while still kind of going off on the same theory, so I had to keep him back on track, by reminding him where we were, by offering phrases to complete his sentences. I seemed to catch him off guard in that my questions seemed to challenge him, and he was kinda digging back into his mind, trying to figure out an answer. And he kept getting distracted by what i was doing, and focusing on what i was doing at the moment, while talking and then sometimes, we both kinda went off on tangents.

ANYWAY, sorry for the long post.... just based off of this, do you think this ENTJ is interested in me? and if so, how can i best conduct myself in this situation, where we are only allowed to build "professional rapport"? it really wouldn't look good if we broke office protocol on this. So how could i best conduct myself in a way to allow this interest on both of our parts to continue, while still maintaining those professional boundaries until 3 months when the project is over? Thanks for your help

 

[Slkmcphee]

It's a definite possibility, I would think. ENTJs and INFJs should do well together on the face of it.
I would continue building a good rapport with your ENTJ. Continue to demonstrate competence and reliability while using your subtle "feminine wiles" (the smiling, etc). :wink:

I am pretty sure that if/when the ENTJ feels comfortable pursuing you, he will. I don't think that ENTJ males are at all insecure, but I believe they generally like to do the pursuing and since yours is in an authority/leadership situation, he really needs to make the first move.

 

[wiarumas]

Just make yourself available and he'll either make his move (or not) after the 3 months.

We don't really play games or create drama. Don't try to look too deep into things. Everything he intends to do is on the surface.

He might want to "get to know you better" but he probably won't jeopardize his job/position over it.

 

[vENOMIZEd]

This make sense to me:

If You Want to Win the Heart of Your Ideal Mate, Do the Following:

For ENTJs:

*Dress your best; ENTJs are fastidious about your appearance.
*Be ready to engage in a fiery debate about almost anything.
*Sharpen your wit and be prepared to lampoon any silly, pompous, or hypocritical person or situation you observe.
*Keep your cool when ENTJs use their famous acidic wit to roast you; tease them back and win their affection.

(LoveTypes ENTJ Love Tips)

At the end of project he will make his move, if interested.

 

[curious0610]

in my effort to be professional this morning, it is possible i may have come off as overly cold and distant? i have a hard time feeling one way and acting another way. And i had read somewhere about ENTJ appearances that entj's can often look like they come off from a long trip because they wear the same things, or don't put too much interest in clothing? he's definitely not fastidious in his dress... very laid back

 

[Neutron]

I think you're worrying about it too much. There is really nothing you can do until the project is over so just be normal. He liked you when you were being yourself before so he probably won't change his mind because you acted differently in one instance.

 

[curious0610]

I probably am worrying about it too much. I will ride on this thought: "He liked you when you were being yourself before so he probably won't change his mind because you acted differently in one instance."

Another question. In an effort to be professional and not give myself away further, i had to distance myself to keep a tight reign over my emotional responses when we were in a public setting. I sensed some reciprocated coldness from him - he always opens the door for me if we're walking somewhere together, but today after my distancizing, he totally went in by himself even though i was right there, and i wasn't even expecting the door to slam that quickly. What the heck was this about?

 

[thebrain]

There are usually more important things for an ENTJ than how people walk through the door. (I usually get so sick of people stuffing around with doors that I often find myself charging through.) By the way, he probably sees through the games - ordinarily I'm not that impressed with games.

 

[vENOMIZEd]

I probably am worrying about it too much. I will ride on this thought: "He liked you when you were being yourself before so he probably won't change his mind because you acted differently in one instance."

Your actions should be congruent, each instance must be congruent with the big picture.

Another question. In an effort to be professional and not give myself away further, i had to distance myself to keep a tight reign over my emotional responses when we were in a public setting. I sensed some reciprocated coldness from him - he always opens the door for me if we're walking somewhere together, but today after my distancizing, he totally went in by himself even though i was right there, and i wasn't even expecting the door to slam that quickly. What the heck was this about?

Don't care about it, he does it to see your reaction. If you react emotionally he could see you as an emotional woman and this is not good.

 

[curious0610]

Your actions should be congruent, each instance must be congruent with the big picture.



Don't care about it, he does it to see your reaction. If you react emotionally he could see you as an emotional woman and this is not good.

Oh... yeah, it did seem he was observing my reaction... no, I didn't react emotionally/ i just pretended not to notice..i rarely act out emotionally (i just base my decisions off of my feelings as opposed to logic, but generally i don't extravert my feelings/emotions like ExFx types).

About "each instance" being congruent... im a little confused? I don't know how i can continue to be professional but act like i did before. isn't that kind of contradictory?

 

[Neutron]

Office flirting happens all the time. If acting as you did before means flirting, then ok. If it comes down to it and he tries to make a move, just tell him to wait until the project is over then you'll see what happens. He'll probably appreciate it more if you're up front about it rather than lead him on anyway. Just my opinion.

 

[wiarumas]

He probably noticed your distancing and took it as you being uninterested or upset with him or something. Thus, his reaction is to send the same signal back at you. Or it may have been just nothing at all.

Don't play games... he won't play along. Just be/act normal.

 

[Slkmcphee]

He probably noticed your distancing and took it as you being uninterested or upset with him or something. Thus, his reaction is to send the same signal back at you. Or it may have been just nothing at all.

Don't play games... he won't play along. Just be/act normal.

What wiarumas said. ENTJs - male and female - are completely turned off by games.

By sweating this too much, you may ruin it. Stop reading into his every move and just be yourself -- the person that he was getting along with so well already. Just stay the course. The thing is, it seems like regardless of whether or not you hit it off romantically, you will still have to work with this guy. Don't make things awkward for both you! :wink:

 

[angelictroublemaker]

I think you're worrying about it too much.

We can't NOT worry: we're perfectionists, most especially in the realm of relationships, and we notice EVERY little detail (not that we let on) in order to feed our intuitions. It's not a game; we do it to everyone, notice their actions/tone/sighs/expressions, analyse and via the feedback loop respond appropriately. If we like someone, we're even more aware - that doesn't make it a game tho. games involve manipulation.

Just a little aside there... :happy:

 

[Slkmcphee]

We can't NOT worry: we're perfectionists, most especially in the realm of relationships, and we notice EVERY little detail (not that we let on) in order to feed our intuitions. It's not a game; we do it to everyone, notice their actions/tone/sighs/expressions, analyse and via the feedback loop respond appropriately. If we like someone, we're even more aware - that doesn't make it a game tho. games involve manipulation.

Just a little aside there... :happy:

Then think of it like constantly opening the oven while something is baking. You're only letting the heat out and decreasing the likelihood of a delicious outcome. Just let it continue to bake and you'll see if you have a good recipe in due time. :laughing:

 

[wiarumas]

We can't NOT worry: we're perfectionists, most especially in the realm of relationships, and we notice EVERY little detail (not that we let on) in order to feed our intuitions. It's not a game; we do it to everyone, notice their actions/tone/sighs/expressions, analyse and via the feedback loop respond appropriately. If we like someone, we're even more aware - that doesn't make it a game tho. games involve manipulation.

Just a little aside there... :happy:

It sounds like a self fulfilling prophecy to me... especially when dealing with ENTJs. We will notice your inconsistencies (since you seem to be reactive) and begin to question your authenticity.

I don't know about other ENTJs (a lot of things I say might just be me), but I feel as if I had someone reacting to the way I act, or over-analyzing me, I would act in a way to get them to stop.

 

[angelictroublemaker]

Then think of it like constantly opening the oven while something is baking. You're only letting the heat out and decreasing the likelihood of a delicious outcome. Just let it continue to bake and you'll see if you have a good recipe in due time. :laughing:

Hee hee hee - I like that! Mmmm...cake :laughing:

I reckon constantly verbalizing our thought process would equate to opening the oven whilst something is baking. The INFJ way is more like watching the oven, and hoping it's rising and worryign it's not and kidding ourselves it'll bake quicker if we keep an eye on it! (and as we all know, at least those of you who are fellow bakers, that is not the case)

I'm hungry!

 

[angelictroublemaker]

It sounds like a self fulfilling prophecy to me... especially when dealing with ENTJs. We will notice your inconsistencies (since you seem to be reactive) and begin to question your authenticity.

I don't know about other ENTJs (a lot of things I say might just be me), but I feel as if I had someone reacting to the way I act, or over-analyzing me, I would act in a way to get them to stop.

Hmm..maybe I have not expressed myself very well, but I disagree - funnily enough I'd like to think I'm pretty authentic. :wink:

So, I think you'll find that one of the necessities of living peacefully in human society IS reacting to the way different people act. If you were in a really bad mood, and feeling very angry, would you really prefer me to act in a way that refuses to acknowledge the fact that you're in a bad mood, and working out whether you'd be happier I left you alone to stamp around for a bit or listen to you vent (which is what always worked for my ENTJ housemate). If you were engrossed in a project, would you rather that I notice that and give you space, or not react to that detail and start chatting?

How is it inconsistant to react to different people in different ways at different times? Adapting to situations and people doesn't make one inauthentic, it makes one sensitive. (hyper sensitive I'll grant you; inauthentic not)

 

[curious0610]

Thanks guys. Yeah, i figure even if nothing "happens" at the end, we still have to work together! So i will continue to be "myself" again to make things un-wwkward now....

Question about this: "We will notice your inconsistencies (since you seem to be reactive) and begin to question your authenticity." Yes, I think INFJs are reactive. Although we are probably the most logical of the feeler types, and less likely to be outwardly emotional, we tend to pick up on every little detail, whether it is a friend or lover. And in reaction to what we perceive, we act another way. I guess yes, that can be inconsistent.... however, I am never inconsistent about my values on something, but i will change my behavior based on what i pick up. Is that considered not "authentic?"

 

[wiarumas]

Hmm..maybe I have not expressed myself very well, but I disagree - funnily enough I'd like to think I'm pretty authentic. :wink:

So, I think you'll find that one of the necessities of living peacefully in human society IS reacting to the way different people act. If you were in a really bad mood, and feeling very angry, would you really prefer me to act in a way that refuses to acknowledge the fact that you're in a bad mood, and working out whether you'd be happier I left you alone to stamp around for a bit or listen to you vent (which is what always worked for my ENTJ housemate). If you were engrossed in a project, would you rather that I notice that and give you space, or not react to that detail and start chatting?

How is it inconsistant to react to different people in different ways at different times? Adapting to situations and people doesn't make one inauthentic, it makes one sensitive. (hyper sensitive I'll grant you; inauthentic not)

When I say unauthentic and inconsistent I simply mean that just be who you are. Be natural. If you bend too much to others, it changes who you are, how you really feel, and sends mixed signals.

There is a difference between reacting under normal circumstances and over-analyzing/reacting the point where you are not being true to yourself. While it may be nice to have some distance from a chatty wife when I'm busy, I don't want a person to analyze every little thing I do. While you find it more beneficial to listen to your husband vent, my wife tells me to stop being grumpy and stop bringing my work frustrations home with me (if I do it often that is - she might ask what is bothering me but then leave it at that). If she is always reacting to what I do, I'd never know what she really thinks/feels - and that's where the inconsistency comes from. For example, when you listen to your husband vent, do you honestly care about the stuff he is saying or are you just providing support? For me, if the person is just listening to me vent, its not worth talking about. Maybe its just me, but I don't like things sugar coated. Just tell me how it is.

As an ENTJ, I know I'm very assertive. Having a reactive wife might not be the best thing for me. That is probably why I chose a woman who stands up to me and brings out the best in me. She helps ground me. She tells me what she thinks and how she feels because God knows I can't find it out on my own lol.

In regards to the original poster, it becomes unauthentic whenever you distance yourself in a way that seems like you are uninterested. If you like him, you can signal this to him without being too aggressive and/or jeopardizing your job. You can be professional about it. If things get too rollercoastery, he'll notice - and the way he'll react to that is up to him (he might get spooked by it, irritated, might not care, might not even notice, etc).