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There's a tl;dr at the bottom if you don't have the patience for this because I got a little carried away.

I'm an INFJ female in a relationship with an ENTP male (probably leaning towards I). We're both college sophomores.

We met via mutual friends and became close very quickly (the fabled INFJ/ENTP electricity). We are both very quiet, I guess, and find each other very interesting, and ended up spending a lot of comfortable time alone together, sometimes discussing ideas and interests, sometimes in silence. We were both pretty fucked up last semester (we only started officially "dating" a few weeks ago but had been hooking up for months before that) and we would go on walks in the park at 3:00am and I would sleep over a ton and we could nap and do work together and listen to music and it just felt....very very safe and like there was an understanding.

ANYWAY, I've been having such a hard time because despite how special he is to me and how much time we've spent together I feel SO LONELY around him pretty constantly. I've never dated a T before, and I think a lot of it might be how new that is to me and how differently he moves through the world.
It's taken some adjustment, but I don't ask him how he's feeling too frequently and instead will ask him questions about his interests or ask for his opinion about things, because that seems to be more in line with where he's at at any given time, but it is SO HARD to feel any sort of intimacy with him because he usually blows off my questions and just answers with "nothing" or "I don't know" etc

For Valentine's Day yesterday I put in a fuck ton of effort to get him shit that he would like and is personal to him (I got him a Beach House ticket and we love them/they're sold out, a super rare shirt from this designer he offhandedly mentioned he liked once, I walked for like thirty minutes in the snow to get him special gluten free desserts because he has celiac, etc) and he literally just said "thanks" and that's basically it and we went on with the night as normal and basically watched cartoons. He didn't do anything for me because it's not his thing and it's not a big deal.
And I preceded all this by telling him that I just wanted to be kind to him and don't expect anything from him and I know that he loves me in his own way and I feel that and it's important to me. And that I really meant it, which I did.

After we watched cartoons we were reading and I started to feel kind of shitty and he could sense it so he asked me what was wrong, and I basically told him that like.....I know that he shows me he loves me by spending time with me and sharing his life with me, and I am so grateful for those things and try to show him I love him that way as well, and I'll also do things like get him some really fucking nice presents because I want to and walk over to his place in the snow with gatorade and medicine at 3:00am because he's sick and spend time I should use more responsibly with him because I love being with him, and he basically...acts like those are completely mundane actions on my part?
And I barely bring up "serious" (ie emotional) things because I know that's a lot for him, but when I do, he basically either literally or figuratively sends me like...a comforting emoji and doesn't even fucking contribute? And I don't expect him to have this whole slew of emotions or even thoughts to express, but I would appreciate like three words recognizing that this is important to me and he gives a fuck.

So last night I told him about both of those things and how basically the common thread is that I keep being really fucking vulnerable in front of him and I literally have no clue what he thinks ever and it makes me feel shitty.
And then he looked at me and said something to the extent of "I don't understand what you want," or "What do you want me to do"
and that scared the fuck out of me, because I thought I was being pretty clear and not at all unreasonable.

TL;DR: sometimes I really feel the "completely emotionless ENTP" thing from him and I don't want to write him off like that but am really freaked out and have no idea what to do. I feel like there's something fundamental about him that I'm not understanding.
How do ENTPs feel when they really love someone? How do you act when you're close to them? How do you express your gratitude? What is "intimacy" to you? <-- all those types of questions.

Frankly I would just assume he really didn't like me or was taking advantage of me, but he asks me to be/stay over with him ALL the time, says (kind of impersonally sweet but sweet nonetheless) sweet things to me pretty frequently akin to "you're so nice," asks me to go on a trip w him and his family over break, which I did, and even like, asked me to go to Europe with him sometime, which is ridiculous. So I'm pretty sure he's forreal. But I guess I can't tell if he's just not trying hard enough or if there's major shit I'm missing. (probably both.) I'm trying really hard to be patient and to love him like he wants to be loved.
 

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He sounds more INTP to me. My ENTP friends including me are pretty expressive of our feelings. On the other side of the spectrum, when I go through introverted phases I am fine staying a quiet observer. I'd say Truity's INTP relationship description accurately describes your XNTP partner.

This might help you better understand what he feels. Actions speak louder than words. The only reason to express words is to function in society. When I become introverted, I tend to avoid societal tendencies like communicating what's in my head. I've discussed this topic with many INTP friends and they all agree about the bullshit and fakeness in society which causes them to keep to themselves in the presence of others. (Maybe try bringing up the topic of societal norms and fakeness to him - ask him if that's why he's silent sometimes. He might show a side of him that you've never seen before.)

To be frank, you're kind of screwed. You can only voice your discontent to him - which you have. In my first relationship, (when I was still extremely introverted) my S.O. confronted me too about expressing my feelings more. "Talk to me," she said "You never talk to me. You don't tell me what's on your mind." I didn't understand. I thought we were fine - I thought I was expressing my love perfectly fine to her. I realized that I lacked expression, so I began working on it. However, it was a long long process. The relationship ended long before actual results of my improvement began showing.

So that leads to your situation. You did your job expressing your feelings, now it's his turn to accommodate to your wishes. He probably wants to improve but I have a feeling it's going to take awhile. If he doesn't improve, then it's up to you to decide what you truly need in a relationship. If emotional connection is very important to you, then it may be time to move on if things don't improve.

To answer your other questions:
How do ENTPs feel when they really love someone?
I get pretty obsessive and attached easily. I don't know if it's just me. I want to be around the person 24/7, unless I'm busy ofc. Though this is probably infatuation. I'm not sure if I've actually experienced love ever. I'd imagine it'd be something along the lines of fully understanding each other yet never getting bored of each other.

How do you act when you're close to them?
Mmm, this is for a recent INFJ that I spent a lot of time with but like I said, I have yet to truly love anyone.

I became a puppy. I wanted her attention all the time. I challenged her a lot and asked her a bunch of personal questions. I kept trying to make future plans together. I would sit next to her in lecture and we'd spend the 4 hour lectures having written conversations on her notebook. I loved joking and being a clown around her.

I believe this is where ENTP and INTP diverge. (Giving animal references since INFJs LOVE animals)
ENTPs are more like dogs.
INTPs are more like cats.
ENTPs are more bouncy and affectionate.
INTPs are more calm and reserved.
I honestly think I'm more like a fox because I can switch between both easily.

How do you express your gratitude?
I express my gratitude by spending more and more time with the person and being affectionate. I take the person out to adventures geared towards her likes. I buy her memorable gifts rather than expensive gifts.

What is "intimacy" to you?
Being close and affectionate. Pretty textbook.

Hope this helps, and good luck with your XNTP! I'm sure you guys will remain great friends even if things don't work out.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
I think you're right about the INTP thing! I've been reading profiles obsessively since you mentioned that and it seems pretty apt/makes a lot more sense.
 

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@riteofspringroll


I will say out the gate that for most ENTP....if you do anything
for them they are under the expectation that you chose to do that
therefore forgoing any acknowledgment for whatever it is you did.

I go through this a lot with people. ...

Think of it like this. An ENTP chooses to do something for someone
it is usually a choice they make and expect nothing in return.
They did it because they chose to do it, nothing more, nothing less.
Reciprocation is a non issue for us, as a general statement.


This also seems underdeveloped. After time with someone
as an ENTP you should know that reciprocation needs to be applied
even if you dont get it.

I learned a long time ago that the little things, like all the items
you do for him can seem mundane to us and not worth it but
they are needed. And indeed needed both ways.

My wife is an ESFJ and she is constantly doing little extras for me.
After the first few ruff years almost like you described above I
realized that I did indeed have to reciprocate as even if the importance
of said reciprocation was not important to me it was very important
to keeping her happy and I wanted her to be happy so I conformed.

This is speaking on how myself as an ENTP sees it ..cant say for others.


There could be another thing going on here and that is he may be using you
and knows exactly how he is treating you and is playing the game.

This is much easier to figure out. Simply stop doing the little extras.
I know this may not be how you want to do things but just for a spell
give it a try. If he immediately starts to spend less and less time with you
then you can be certain that he is indeed using you.

If he dosnt show any signs of change and is quite content then he does indeed
find you important and has trouble expressing emotions and how to treat a woman.


My wife even after getting close to 20 years now STILL
has to tell me ....I am serious here... "Mikey its time for flowers"
or ..."Mike I need something special its been awhile"....could be
"Mike its time for you to right me another note" ....

Look I never get why people would want something emotional if they have to
ask for it but apparently its a non issue to her.

Try just telling him out right .."Hey ...I am a person not a rock over here..
I appreciate all the time you give especially since your time is valuable and I thank you
for letting me into your life ..It would help sometime if you could show me you feel the
same and not just by telling me well I spend time with you .. I need a little more than that"

You may even have to go so far as tell him WHAT exactly to do / get.

Dont beat around the bush. That shit does not work .. be it INTP or ENTP.
You make us guess and we just wont ....period.
For underdeveloped NTP's making them guess could indeed send them into
a flight as their anxiety in having to make a choice on what to actually
do may push them back.
 
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I also think INTP sounds more realistic.

But with the addendum my INFJ ex boyfriend thought I was the meanest, most selfish, least loyal person that ever walked the earth because I didn't try to read his mind and do things "his way" to make him happy instead of going with what comes comfortably to me. My approach there was (and is) that if I'm not enough, we can always split up-- I CAN do some things for my partner if I'm asked for them, but if we're so different and incompatible in how we operate, why bother at all? The world is full of people, after all.

Ironically my INFJ husband is a complete opposite there and keeps saying he appreciates how pro-social and considerate I am, so who knows. Although by "keeps saying" I mean "points this out once every few weeks or so." I think he's way more independent, low maintenance and self sufficient than my ex ever was and good at using his words when he wants something, so there's that.
 

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First off, you sound really super sweet and he is lucky to have you.

Try to understand that talking a lot about our feelings is not easy for us all the time and the quickest way a person can overwhelm me is to ask me how I feel about something I have no feelings about.

You have to ask him " what are you THINKING". Find out what he thinks to know how he feels.
 

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First off, you sound really super sweet and he is lucky to have you.

Try to understand that talking a lot about our feelings is not easy for us all the time and the quickest way a person can overwhelm me is to ask me how I feel about something I have no feelings about.

You have to ask him " what are you THINKING". Find out what he thinks to know how he feels.
Duly noted. I have an ENTP in my life with an ever- evolving role.
 

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I'm going to make this simple: What it sounds like, is that there is a communications need that isn't being met. You NEED to know that he appreciates your efforts in order to FEEL like you are understood, loved, and appreciated.

When you get just a "thanks" for all of the hard effort you've put in, you feel like it wasn't worth it or that he doesn't appreciate you. It's normal and understandable to feel that way. It's not a matter of patience, it's a matter of communicating your need in a rational way. Giving him examples, even if they are canned responses, might help him. Even if you just flat out told him, "[insert pet nickname here] Just tell me that you really liked [insert whatever.] It sounds dumb, but it makes me feel good when you let me know."

It can be that simple. Despite how it might seem, it's not hard to get what you want from an ENTP if they love you. We LIKE being good at things, and that includes our interpersonal relationships. Just don't get all emotional when trying to communicate it, or we'll definitely blow it off.
 

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You have to ask him " what are you THINKING". Find out what he thinks to know how he feels.
Even then, I'm more likely to talk about something concrete or philosophical when asked as opposed to my feelings. LoL I feel a stronger approach would be to just ask for what you need, and to show how to do it.
 

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He definitely does not sound like an Entp. If he is an Entp, his reaction to you opening up by saying "I don't know what you want me to do" Could only mean a disinterest in your relationship.

As an Entp it'd intuitively be obvious what you as an infj wanted.
 

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As an Entp it'd intuitively be obvious what you as an infj wanted.
I wouldn't go that far. I'd say it'd be obvious that I was missing some key detail and my partner isn't spitting it out, and then I'd likely say to myself, "If it's not important enough for her to tell me, then it's not important enough for me to bother with." That would likely be followed up with, "Maybe I should dump her because I don' want to deal with that kind of BS."
 
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