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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Dear INFJs,
Through my beloved INTJ minion I ask for your precious help, indeed, for I am in a relationship with one of you and there's something that bugs her that I can't see myself possibly changing in me.
The thing is, she told me that it "hurts" a bit how I'm always with my mind somewhere else.
Here I ask for some advice on how do I make her feel "closer" to me. I love her very much and I'm equally loved back, but this is something in me that I cannot change.
However, there's always a way to amend it a bit. Give me your best advice, if you please, dear INFJs.
Love from an ENTP.
 

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As an ENTP, shouldn't your NE be the most dominant of your personality? If so, there really should not be much a problem.

An NE + NI is a fantastic combination, look for ways to use that to your advantage. Talk to her about your new ideas whatever they may be, let her process it and give you a practical approach to fulfilling it. I can't believe I actually have to suggest that though, it really should be natural.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Yes, I do that quite often.

The problem is that she's way too shy and gets quiet without knowing what to say when I tell her my ideas. She does absorb them, and sometimes even thinks of doing them, but if she gets quiet I have no idea how to remain in conversation.
 

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I'm not really sure what she means by stating that you're always in your mind somewhere else...that seems more a problem that you'd have with her, not vice versa if we are adhering strictly to personality theory. I do know that some ENTP's can have trouble picking up on hard-to-identify feelings, especially if the person is very quiet, and if she isn't voicing these, she may feel rejected that you don't just "know." But this is something she must let go of, not you, because you're right, it's something you can't change. Perhaps try talking to her and seeing whether she feels comfortable telling you her feelings more? I could be totally off-base with this.
 
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Have you taken the time to ask her what her thoughts are? Bring something up and stop and listen to what she thinks. Tell her what you are thinking and then sit back and ask her to tell you what her feelings on the matter are. Also, are you letting her know she is welcome to interrupt your musings? Encourage her to ask you what you are thinking of, ask her to help you plot world domination if you must, but ask.

Also she has to realize that this is you, and that if she truly loves you, she has to accept that you are like this. That it does not mean you are not tuned into her. Sometimes NTs(I am married to an INTJ, with an INTJ daughter) need to be told things very directly, and you need to request what you want from them. Ask that she do this, so you will know what she needs.

Sometimes, we INFJs just do not realize what a burden we put on people when we expect our romantic expectations(which are pretty high) to be met. It can really cause issues in a relationship when we feel our 'soul mates' should know everything about us, and if they 'truly' loved us they would meet every one of them. Good luck.
 

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She sounds needy, but ashamed of her neediness at the same time, so she bottles it up until it starts to hurt her. If this goes unresolved, it will probably lead to her resenting your silence. . . and you for continuing it.

You think too much (by her standards), and she needs your attention to validate your time together/relationship/whatever. Either she needs to get comfortable with your level of engagement, or you need to change at the expense of your own energy.

Or, you two could always just break up.

Some people prefer different engagement from different partners.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Have you taken the time to ask her what her thoughts are? Bring something up and stop and listen to what she thinks. Tell her what you are thinking and then sit back and ask her to tell you what her feelings on the matter are. Also, are you letting her know she is welcome to interrupt your musings? Encourage her to ask you what you are thinking of, ask her to help you plot world domination if you must, but ask.

Also she has to realize that this is you, and that if she truly loves you, she has to accept that you are like this. That it does not mean you are not tuned into her. Sometimes NTs(I am married to an INTJ, with an INTJ daughter) need to be told things very directly, and you need to request what you want from them. Ask that she do this, so you will know what she needs.



Sometimes, we INFJs just do not realize what a burden we put on people when we expect our romantic expectations(which are pretty high) to be met. It can really cause issues in a relationship when we feel our 'soul mates' should know everything about us, and if they 'truly' loved us they would meet every one of them. Good luck.
I think almost exactly like you. Yes I did try to make her express and voice her opinions more, I'm very interested in what she thinks, and not only her, I'm usually like that to everybody. I'm sure that even this INTJ friend who is a very cool guy that is very brave and awesome can agree on that.

And yes, I know the usual wishy washy "be yourself" kind of way. Not saying it's wrong nor that I'm not tuned into her, just trying to fine tune a bit. You know when your radio needs a nudge to the left and the right to be perfect? That's it. If I make her happy, I feel comfortable tuning myself just a nudge. I did tell her to tell me "I need to talk to you" when she feels the need to say something, she's usually passive-agressive as hell when she's mad. However, I realize it's as difficult for me as it for her to change and adapt a bit.

INTJ guy(Zheeph): What he said is 100% true. I would have given up on his place by now.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I think almost exactly like you. Yes I did try to make her express and voice her opinions more, I'm very interested in what she thinks, and not only her, I'm usually like that to everybody. I'm sure that even this INTJ friend who is a very cool guy that is very brave and awesome can agree on that.

INTJ guy(Zheeph): What he said is 100% true. I would have given up on his place by now.
Edit:

Our relationship has been pretty stable, and this is just a little problem that I don't want my paranoia to feed itself in. She has absolute freedom and I even encourage her to interrupt me, let alone proving me wrong, which she did, more than once, by now. Thank you for your words. It's funny how this thread turned from me being distant to her being too afraid to leave her bubble and embrace me.
 
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