Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 123 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
606 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hey ENTPs,

So I have a ENTP - friend who I am currently having to detach myself from due to some complications. He seems to have a tendency to attract girls, draw them in (by flirting with them/sharing his deep issues with them), and then break them. By break I mean make them feel inadequate, and cause them to want to solve all his problems, but them not being able to get inside the 'barrier' he puts up to be able to do this.

Does this make any sense? Is this a common problem with ENTPs?

TBH I thought I trusted him, but I've just found out that I'm not the first person to fall for him and to try to help him solve his problems. He's had problems like this with other girls in the past that he didn't share with me (and I'm very angry with him about this because I shared alot of personal stuff with him).

Umm...I am trying to work out whether he's innocent; and doesn't realise what he's doing.

Any help would be appreciated :)
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
5,780 Posts
Hey ENTPs,

So I have a ENTP - friend who I am currently having to detach myself from due to some complications. He seems to have a tendency to attract girls, draw them in (by flirting with them/sharing his deep issues with them), and then break them. By break I mean make them feel inadequate, and cause them to want to solve all his problems, but them not being able to get inside the 'barrier' he puts up to be able to do this.

Does this make any sense? Is this a common problem with ENTPs?

TBH I thought I trusted him, but I've just found out that I'm not the first person to fall for him and to try to help him solve his problems. He's had problems like this with other girls in the past that he didn't share with me (and I'm very angry with him about this because I shared alot of personal stuff with him).

Umm...I am trying to work out whether he's innocent; and doesn't realise what he's doing.

Any help would be appreciated :)
It's an easy way for him to get attention. He'll probably grow out of it eventually. Or he is going to find an extremely insecure and desperate woman who will be his wife and live a miserable life. You made the right call.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,264 Posts
Hey ENTPs,

So I have a ENTP - friend who I am currently having to detach myself from due to some complications. He seems to have a tendency to attract girls, draw them in (by flirting with them/sharing his deep issues with them), and then break them. By break I mean make them feel inadequate, and cause them to want to solve all his problems, but them not being able to get inside the 'barrier' he puts up to be able to do this.

Does this make any sense? Is this a common problem with ENTPs?

TBH I thought I trusted him, but I've just found out that I'm not the first person to fall for him and to try to help him solve his problems. He's had problems like this with other girls in the past that he didn't share with me (and I'm very angry with him about this because I shared alot of personal stuff with him).

Umm...I am trying to work out whether he's innocent; and doesn't realise what he's doing.

Any help would be appreciated :)
Or if he's anything like me girls just have a tendency to break around him. It's funny to me that you use that terminology because that's the exact wording my friends use about all of my ex-GF's and all 3 of my ex-wives.

Things don't happen along the same methods you're describing (when it happens with my girls), but it's the same end result. For me it seems like no matter how up front I am with girls about how I REALLY am they seem to think that they can keep up with me .... so they give it the "good ol' college try". It never works out for them though and they all end up "breaking" eventually. I don't ever lead them down that road on purpose though. To the contrary I make sure to TELL them how I am. They just seem to follow me anyway. I'm no sure if they don't believe me, or if they think they can "fix" me, or what exactly is going through their heads.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,191 Posts
Good question. An entp can be broken just like the next person, or they can be using the brokenwing strategy to pick up girls. You never really know.

However, what we do know is that entps are by nature pretty open with stuff others consider "deep" or "soulful", but really, we just have different secrets. We're also pretty darn friendly, so there's flirty.

The real question here that is arousing my curiosity is whether he's opening physical intimacy or not. If he attracts a girl, has those "two o'clock in the morning conversations", snogs or whatnot, then never returns a call, that's just caddish behavior. If a girl goes out with him for a couple of months and she grows tired of his true self (which is a lot more secretive than it seems most are aware of), then the blame's not really his. People who get into relations to fix people aren't entirely on the up and up either (I say this as someone who's made that mistake).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
606 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
Or if he's anything like me girls just have a tendency to break around him. It's funny to me that you use that terminology because that's the exact wording my friends use about all of my ex-GF's and all 3 of my ex-wives.

Things don't happen along the same methods you're describing (when it happens with my girls), but it's the same end result. For me it seems like no matter how up front I am with girls about how I REALLY am they seem to think that they can keep up with me .... so they give it the "good ol' college try". It never works out for them though and they all end up "breaking" eventually. I don't ever lead them down that road on purpose though. To the contrary I make sure to TELL them how I am. They just seem to follow me anyway. I'm no sure if they don't believe me, or if they think they can "fix" me, or what exactly is going through their heads.
Wow. Thank-you so much. So, you're aware you have this affect, and you try to warn them. Do you think there's anything specific you do that makes this happen? ie have you tried to stop this from happening? I'm really sorry that things have not worked out for you.

Thanks for your reply... he did try to warn me, by telling me he was 'immature' but at the time I didn't understand what he meant.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,191 Posts
. To the contrary I make sure to TELL them how I am. They just seem to follow me anyway. I'm no sure if they don't believe me, or if they think they can "fix" me, or what exactly is going through their heads.
That's just throwing lighting fluid on the codependent fire.

Damn. I wish I had thought of doing that intentionally.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
606 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
Good question. An entp can be broken just like the next person, or they can be using the brokenwing strategy to pick up girls. You never really know.

However, what we do know is that entps are by nature pretty open with stuff others consider "deep" or "soulful", but really, we just have different secrets. We're also pretty darn friendly, so there's flirty.

The real question here that is arousing my curiosity is whether he's opening physical intimacy or not. If he attracts a girl, has those "two o'clock in the morning conversations", snogs or whatnot, then never returns a call, that's just caddish behavior. If a girl goes out with him for a couple of months and she grows tired of his true self (which is a lot more secretive than it seems most are aware of), then the blame's not really his. People who get into relations to fix people aren't entirely on the up and up either (I say this as someone who's made that mistake).
It's not the latter, or the former. It's somewhere in between or something totally different going on. He has been physically intimate with two girls that I know of - one he 'officially' dated and another who had a 'hidden' relationship with. The others he's just kept as friends (me falling into that category), I'm not totally sure about details of any others involved, I'm sure there are more. He has managed to break me in the same way as the girl he was physically intimate with though.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,264 Posts
Wow. Thank-you so much. So, you're aware you have this affect, and you try to warn them. Do you think there's anything specific you do that makes this happen? ie have you tried to stop this from happening? I'm really sorry that things have not worked out for you.

Thanks for your reply... he did try to warn me, by telling me he was 'immature' but at the time I didn't understand what he meant.
"I didn't really understand what you meant" was what my last wife said.

The extent of me ever trying to stop this from happening is just the process of me warning them from the get-go. After that I figure since I warned them that I was just going to be myself and let them make whatever decisions they were going to make (again we're talking about relationships here ... not 1 night stands). I don't feel I'm "immature", although I'm sure some people may view me as such. I'm just "different" and I make sure to make that known and then just continue to be myself. My second wife was an alcoholic druggy stripper party girl ... she kept up with me for a long while. She broke too though, when she realized that she couldn't turn the party switch on and off like I could.

If an ENTP warns you about something about themselves you can count on two things.
1) they care enough about you that they think you're worth warning about a possible problem
2) you can take them seriously ... as a matter of fact you better take the warning 1-2 steps more serious than they are portraying it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,146 Posts
It's an easy way for him to get attention. He'll probably grow out of it eventually. Or he is going to find an extremely insecure and desperate woman who will be his wife and live a miserable life. You made the right call.
That sounds like a sad life. Sounds like how my dad and mom met, actually.
Great, now I pity him.

As for the topic at hand, I never did understand why a couple of girls went all "you have problems, let me help you!"
Thank god I never let them try, I didn't want to learn about periods that early (learned it as a metaphor when some girl I used to flirt with punched me in the nose, it bled, and she said "perfect metaphor").

@Psyphon it's usually the whole "Girls being attracted to bad boys" stereotypes, they want to "take care of you" like some retarded bunny with a broken leg, but at the same time, turned on by you actually knowing how to "take care of yourself". It's a paradox, but then again a lot of things about girls are, sooooo...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,264 Posts
That sounds like a sad life. Sounds like how my dad and mom met, actually.
Great, now I pity him.

As for the topic at hand, I never did understand why a couple of girls went all "you have problems, let me help you!"
Thank god I never let them try, I didn't want to learn about periods that early (learned it as a metaphor when some girl I used to flirt with punched me in the nose, it bled, and she said "perfect metaphor").

@Psyphon it's usually the whole "Girls being attracted to bad boys" stereotypes, they want to "take care of you" like some retarded bunny with a broken leg, but at the same time, turned on by you actually knowing how to "take care of yourself". It's a paradox, but then again a lot of things about girls are, sooooo...
Over the years I've more than made my peace with those facts. It still doesn't make any sense though from a logical standpoint, even after all these years. You're right, there is a definite paradox at hand.
 
  • Like
Reactions: marzipan01

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,146 Posts
Over the years I've more than made my peace with those facts. It still doesn't make any sense though from a logical standpoint, even after all these years. You're right, there is a definite paradox at hand.
I blame...
...
I have no idea what to blame. Conditioning? Genetics? Some weird Nanny-bot 13000?!
And people wondered why I yell at girls who act like wanna-be hipsters, they make no sense pretending to be that one chick in Twilight.
Yes I saw the movie, it was horrendous, but it was for the sake of science! And understanding.

That and my girlfriend wanted to see it, or kill me. Maybe both.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
606 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
"I didn't really understand what you meant" was what my last wife said.

The extent of me ever trying to stop this from happening is just the process of me warning them from the get-go. After that I figure since I warned them that I was just going to be myself and let them make whatever decisions they were going to make (again we're talking about relationships here ... not 1 night stands). I don't feel I'm "immature", although I'm sure some people may view me as such. I'm just "different" and I make sure to make that known and then just continue to be myself. My second wife was an alcoholic druggy stripper party girl ... she kept up with me for a long while. She broke too though, when she realized that she couldn't turn the party switch on and off like I could.

If an ENTP warns you about something about themselves you can count on two things.
1) they care enough about you that they think you're worth warning about a possible problem
2) you can take them seriously ... as a matter of fact you better take the warning 1-2 steps more serious than they are portraying it.
Yes, actually I think you might be similar to him. I don't think he's inherently immature, or intends to be bad or to break woman; he's just doing his own thing and they get caught up in him. I do think he actually cares about me as a friend, and he did try to protect me by not continuing to encourage me; after I told him I cared about him, but I chased after him anyway...I like to set myself very high goals sometimes and that can get me into trouble.

I'm still not going anywhere near him though - just to be on the safe side.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,191 Posts
It's not the latter, or the former. It's somewhere in between or something totally different going on. He has been physically intimate with two girls that I know of - one he 'officially' dated and another who had a 'hidden' relationship with. The others he's just kept as friends (me falling into that category), I'm not totally sure about details of any others involved, I'm sure there are more. He has managed to break me in the same way as the girl he was physically intimate with though.
Ah, I see why it's so confusing. I'd imagine if I had scads of female admirerers I'd do much the same thing: Try to keep as many of them in orbit as I could. It's just the nature of attraction between the sexes, we enjoy the attention. Maybe he's attached to one, maybe not.

Think about it from a gaming perspective. I have five different people who are into me. None of them are a perfect match, so in some sense they're all interchangable. Normally, a woman would try to corner the guy into picking her, but in this case, each girl is aware there's someone else in the wings, and doesn't want to lose their possibility either, so the guy's not forced ot make a choice, and hence, he doesn't really make one.

He might be a bad guy, or he might not be, but that's just a bad situation as one of the orbiters. There's almost no upside to it, as there's no negotiating position.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,146 Posts
Yes, actually I think you might be similar to him. I don't think he's inherently immature, or intends to be bad or to break woman; he's just doing his own thing and they get caught up in him. I do think he actually cares about me as a friend, and he did try to protect me by not continuing to encourage me; after I told him I cared about him, but I chased after him anyway...I like to set myself very high goals sometimes and that can get me into trouble.

I'm still not going anywhere near him though - just to be on the safe side.
Can't blame you.

Things usually ambiplode in our vicinity, most of the time our fault, but at the least we put blast shields up when we do it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
535 Posts
he did try to warn me, by telling me he was 'immature' but at the time I didn't understand what he meant.
No, because I'm sure he was very unspecific and vague about his warning - it was meant to assuage his conscience, not actually warn you, because then that would be counterbeneficial to him. No matter what type he is, or how smart he is, dont ever forget that a guy that puts #1 first, is always obvious before to long. Avoid them like the plague.

If he attracts a girl, has those "two o'clock in the morning conversations", snogs or whatnot, then never returns a call, that's just caddish behavior. .
Thank you so much or saying this. I feel so validated :) Would cuddling and then playing cold fish the next week qualify as "caddish"?

Ah, I see why it's so confusing. I'd imagine if I had scads of female admirerers I'd do much the same thing: Try to keep as many of them in orbit as I could. It's just the nature of attraction between the sexes, we enjoy the attention. Maybe he's attached to one, maybe not.

Think about it from a gaming perspective. I have five different people who are into me. None of them are a perfect match, so in some sense they're all interchangable. Normally, a woman would try to corner the guy into picking her, but in this case, each girl is aware there's someone else in the wings, and doesn't want to lose their possibility either, so the guy's not forced ot make a choice, and hence, he doesn't really make one.

He might be a bad guy, or he might not be, but that's just a bad situation as one of the orbiters. There's almost no upside to it, as there's no negotiating position.
"the orbiters"...nice one. Awesome analogy. Note to self NEVER to be an "orbiter"...so totally not my style. I've been gradually privatizing online activity from this one person.....i just went and did more. Maybe be ackward next time i run into him, but I'll just laugh him off of it. Maybe i'll flirt with his friend.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,191 Posts
Thank you so much or saying this. I feel so validated :) Would cuddling and then playing cold fish the next week qualify as "caddish"?
Depends on the kind of cuddling. If we're just talking "we shared a couch and watched Army of Darkness", then no. If it was "we sat on the couch, me stroking his hair looking into his eyes while we watched Little House on the Prairie", then probably.

It's fine to be an orbiter if you've got your own thing going on, btw. It's just important to be honest to yourself about it. Otherwise, it's just wasting time (ah, I remember my twenties oh so unfondly for this reason..).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
535 Posts
Depends on the kind of cuddling. If we're just talking "we shared a couch and watched Army of Darkness", then no. If it was "we sat on the couch, me stroking his hair looking into his eyes while we watched Little House on the Prairie", then probably.

It's fine to be an orbiter if you've got your own thing going on, btw. It's just important to be honest to yourself about it. Otherwise, it's just wasting time (ah, I remember my twenties oh so unfondly for this reason..).
I can't handle orbiter

It was arm around shoulders cuddling, knee stroking, semi-hand holding cuddling..."you can't deny the burning chemisty" cuddling...head leans while sighing cuddling...waterfront "tell me your dreams" cudding

douchebaggery is afoot
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,191 Posts
I can't handle orbiter

It was arm around shoulders cuddling, knee stroking, semi-hand holding cuddling..."you can't deny the burning chemisty" cuddling...head leans while sighing cuddling
If you're doing that, how do you not end up making out? Perhaps something went wrong, and it's just awkward now. I've never been in a situation where I failed to close the deal (for whatever reason) and not wanted to avoid the girl afterwards (oh the stories I could tell...). The ball may just be in your court now.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
613 Posts
-- You cannot “break” someone that is not already broken.

We only have your side of the story, but I think I know what you’re referring to. Girls tend to like me and open up to me, but if they don’t get what they want (a relationship) they have to find flaws in me before they can detach from me emotionally. (You keep referring to “his problems” but nothing specific.) and sometimes they can be very nasty in creating flaws, situations, etc.

I think it’s a matter of perception – yours and his being diffferent. I also think you’re projecting -- attributing female behaviors to him that may exist only in your imagination. Hope this helps.
 
1 - 20 of 123 Posts
Top