Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 54 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
680 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
:dry:I'm starting to get the feeling that I'll never settle down, no matter how much I think I want to. Anyone else feeling the same way? I definitely get the urge to slow down and have a long committed relationship, but when I get in one that has potential, all I want to do is get out after a few months or I get really bored with the regularity of it. I start to feel like I'm not myself anymore and I miss it. Any ENTPs in a long-term relationship have advice? I realize that it could be because the guys weren't the right ones, but I haven't made it past a year long relationship yet. And that one was trying! And he lived in another state haha.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
243 Posts
Whenever I get close to someone I usually freak out and back the fuck away. I wish I didn't though :/ I've been getting better but my longest relationships are only a few months and any relationships are few and far between. So I too would benefit from such advice.

^I talk so weird online.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,544 Posts
How old are you?

And yeah, my longest relationship was almost a year... which was only because he was six years older than me, so it was invigorating, but then he started talking about marriage and all this crap, plus he moved four hours away... no.

But my average is two months before I get bored and leave.

Nothing wrong with being single though, I see it as a plus. Women who never get married live longer on average anyway. :3
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
680 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
How old are you?

And yeah, my longest relationship was almost a year... which was only because he was six years older than me, so it was invigorating, but then he started talking about marriage and all this crap, plus he moved four hours away... no.

But my average is two months before I get bored and leave.

Nothing wrong with being single though, I see it as a plus. Women who never get married live longer on average anyway. :3
ha, well, that may be true, but I get really tired of being lonely and then running away and getting lonely and then running away, etc.

Let's just say I'm late 20s.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
479 Posts
I've never had a problem with long relationships. I dated the same guy for most of high school, and I'd say my average is like eight months. :p

I don't know what advice to give though, haha. I guess, to me, two months of dating doesn't even qualify as a relationship, it's just dating. So how can there be a "routine" to it? I never thought of relationships as having "regularity" or "routine," it's another person... which shouldn't have anything to do with feeling like yourself.

Maybe you just need space. If you're really independent (like I am), a relationship becomes nice support as you go out doing your own thing, if that makes sense. Your boyfriend/girlfriend shouldn't interfere with feeling like yourself. I honestly don't know why it would.

... sorry, this is some inarticulate advice. I genuinely don't understand how you feel. Could you explain the "feeling like myself" thing?
 
  • Like
Reactions: xrevolutionx

·
Registered
Joined
·
82 Posts
in my experience, the ESTPs are worse than we are, have a couple ESTP friends who have tons of cash, but won't buy a house, won't date a girl more than a few months, and don't want to commit to any social activity that's scheduled to start more than 10 minutes in the future

but like them, and ESFPs as well, always like to have new people in my life
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,024 Posts
My longest was just over a year, I was 18.

It takes me a while to warm up to somebody enough to commit though. I wouldn't say I have commitment issues, I have no problems with it once I make the decision. Its just getting to the point of wanting to make that decision that's tough for me. Just give it time maybe.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,228 Posts
Maybe you have been teaming up with guys who simply can't hold your interest for any great length of time, so you need to keep looking until someone comes along who can, or maybe you need to accept that relationships change after a few months, and the buzz can go off. This doesn't mean you are incompatible. It's just that the excitement, and the rewards can be a lot more subtle. You can keep discovering new things about your partner for many years, I think.

I dunno. I tended to have quite long relationships, or none at all. Would know within an hour in the first date whether something was going somewhere and walk away if not, or stick around for several years.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
243 Posts
I know a couple who seem to be in my "type" of relationship. They don't see each other every day, and they're cool with it. The guy plays video games and magic for the most part, but the girl (who I am quite fond of) is either off doing stuff with her friends or at school or at work. Maybe I'm too tired to explain it right, but every time I see her and she brings it up I can't help but think "I wish all girls were cool like you."

And I'd be way better for her than her current bf :crazy:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,594 Posts
The typical ENTP type of commitment isn't what many others consider commitment to be.

Typically I see ENTP's in relationships that look like two individuals doing their own thing and occasionally getting together. I know that was what I envisioned and didn't achieve in either marriage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,618 Posts
Alfreda and SlowPoke has good points. But also I think it IS a maturity issue. When you feel that you WISH to find someone and have a real relationship I believe that you are getting there. But we like our independence, and also are afraid of letting people in (looking at myself). If you enter a true effort at a relationship, you WILL NEED TO CHANGE somewhat, to accomodate the partner. And that is where many people get scared. I guess you can say that some people actually choose to fail. Not only in relationships. They are comfortable with X and the change makes them uneasy in some way.

Not saying this is you, but I have met some women IRL with the "two-month-syndrome". They are not the healthiest people I have met if you get my drift. Often they can be Alpha-women (super good looks, no problems getting new bfs etc). But with underlying problems. It is easier for these women to just pick the next one than to commit, "change", and also overcome the normal hurdle of when the "psychotic" infactuation drops of and needs to convert into something more realistic. About two months into a relationship is the normal time for this, or so I have read (I am a "commiter" so I dont get into relationships I see as a lost cause: The women above get "no").

It MIGHT help to force you to overcome this drop of chemicals (bodys own psychedelica is driving the love at first) to see if soemthing evolves. Just a thought....

You dont have to lose your independence, but perhaps some part of it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,594 Posts
It MIGHT help to force you to overcome this drop of chemicals (bodys own psychedelica is driving the love at first) to see if soemthing evolves. Just a thought....

You dont have to lose your independence, but perhaps some part of it.

Ummmm. . . . . naahhhhhhh. . . . . . :laughing:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
550 Posts
I have the opposite problem. I plan almost nothing about my life more than a week in advance. I can commit to almost anything for two weeks. I forget that at some point my life will exist beyond two weeks from now. It's just so hard to see sometimes.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
680 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 ·
... sorry, this is some inarticulate advice. I genuinely don't understand how you feel. Could you explain the "feeling like myself" thing?
Feeling like I lose myself - I miss out on my girl time, guy time (with male friends), my alone time, my sense of humor, my spontaneousness ... I don't know, I just feel like I fade. I also often date guys who don't try to see other sides to me (or appreciate them) or maybe I just assume they don't so I withhold parts of myself. I'm sure it has to do with *who* I'm dating.

Maybe you have been teaming up with guys who simply can't hold your interest for any great length of time, so you need to keep looking until someone comes along who can, or maybe you need to accept that relationships change after a few months, and the buzz can go off. This doesn't mean you are incompatible. It's just that the excitement, and the rewards can be a lot more subtle. You can keep discovering new things about your partner for many years, I think.

I dunno. I tended to have quite long relationships, or none at all. Would know within an hour in the first date whether something was going somewhere and walk away if not, or stick around for several years.
Alfeda, I think that you are the wisest person I know : ) I guess that when I wrote this thread initially, I was thinking about what my mom was probably thinking ... she's tried talking me into getting back together with my ex-boyfriend. I think that because she liked him so much and because she doesn't understand what interests me, she thinks that I am too picky or critical.

What I'm more worried about is that I've never been able to either get into or stay in a relationship where I felt real love. I suppose I'm more concerned with not finding/keeping the men that I've felt feelings of love for rather than being concerned with finding/maintaining long-term relationships with men in general. I've fallen in love with two men and felt a real connection with another one. Unfortunately, the first love was not accepted by my family or his family and fizzled out from exhaustion. The second didn't return the feelings right away because he had just gotten out of a long-term relationship and then it never worked out (timing is awful) and the most recent connection I've had (took two years to come by) is married and I'm obviously not getting in the middle of that.

So...I'm concerned that 1) I can't find single, available, emotionally available men that I actually like and have the *love* potential are very, very few and far between, and 2) That I still don't know if I'll grow tired of these ones too - what if I finally get the guy I've been pining after for years and then I get bored and want to move on? That's the commitment fear I have and maybe it makes more sense now.

The typical ENTP type of commitment isn't what many others consider commitment to be.

Typically I see ENTP's in relationships that look like two individuals doing their own thing and occasionally getting together. I know that was what I envisioned and didn't achieve in either marriage.
I agree! I need more space in the relationship than my last boyfriend was able to give me, but I want more than what my previous boyfriend gave me. I just simply want a real and egalitarian relationship. One that keeps me interested and excited, at least enough to stick around, and one that has mutual appreciation.

It MIGHT help to force you to overcome this drop of chemicals (bodys own psychedelica is driving the love at first) to see if soemthing evolves. Just a thought....

You dont have to lose your independence, but perhaps some part of it.
I've recently vowed to stop letting *chemicals* get in the way, and I think I'm usually good at this, but I've been giving people more of a chance with regard to dating over the past several years because I'm trying to give people more of a 10 minute chance (which has been my family and friends' criticism). I don't think this has been working quite well for me though:sad:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,618 Posts
Feeling like I lose myself - I miss out on my girl time, guy time (with male friends), my alone time, my sense of humor, my spontaneousness ... I don't know, I just feel like I fade. I also often date guys who don't try to see other sides to me (or appreciate them) or maybe I just assume they don't so I withhold parts of myself. I'm sure it has to do with *who* I'm dating.



Alfeda, I think that you are the wisest person I know : ) I guess that when I wrote this thread initially, I was thinking about what my mom was probably thinking ... she's tried talking me into getting back together with my ex-boyfriend. I think that because she liked him so much and because she doesn't understand what interests me, she thinks that I am too picky or critical.

What I'm more worried about is that I've never been able to either get into or stay in a relationship where I felt real love. I suppose I'm more concerned with not finding/keeping the men that I've felt feelings of love for rather than being concerned with finding/maintaining long-term relationships with men in general. I've fallen in love with two men and felt a real connection with another one. Unfortunately, the first love was not accepted by my family or his family and fizzled out from exhaustion. The second didn't return the feelings right away because he had just gotten out of a long-term relationship and then it never worked out (timing is awful) and the most recent connection I've had (took two years to come by) is married and I'm obviously not getting in the middle of that.

So...I'm concerned that 1) I can't find single, available, emotionally available men that I actually like and have the *love* potential are very, very few and far between, and 2) That I still don't know if I'll grow tired of these ones too - what if I finally get the guy I've been pining after for years and then I get bored and want to move on? That's the commitment fear I have and maybe it makes more sense now.



I agree! I need more space in the relationship than my last boyfriend was able to give me, but I want more than what my previous boyfriend gave me. I just simply want a real and egalitarian relationship. One that keeps me interested and excited, at least enough to stick around, and one that has mutual appreciation.



I've recently vowed to stop letting *chemicals* get in the way, and I think I'm usually good at this, but I've been giving people more of a chance with regard to dating over the past several years because I'm trying to give people more of a 10 minute chance (which has been my family and friends' criticism). I don't think this has been working quite well for me though:sad:
It IS difficult finding compatible mates.... especially for ENTPs perhaps. And I for one is a bit scared to let people in, but i try not to give in to that fear. It can hurt when you are misunderstood, and it can hurt when you are being misunderstood by someone who likes you and want more than you wish to give. But you will get there (find someone), I am sure. And what can we do but keep trying? To NOT TRY is a certain way of failure... (even though it might feel "safe").

You seem wise when not interfering with an ongoing marriage, so I have faith in you. Keep it up!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,618 Posts
Would "chemicals" be defined by the "sparks" feeling that you may feel when you first meet someone?
The initial "Falling in love" is actually a state which very much resembles a psychosis. One can understand why it is useful evolutionwise. And also why "reality" kicks in and you start seeing the flaws in the other person. Then you overcome this state too and THEN you have reached something that may last. It (the stages) is actually the same in all types of new relationships, in love or at work. Honeymoon period etc.

Many "relationships" end after the initial psychosis wears out. I know I sound like a bore, but I fall for it as well... I just know it for what it is....:)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
680 Posts
Discussion Starter · #19 ·
The initial "Falling in love" is actually a state which very much resembles a psychosis. One can understand why it is useful evolutionwise. And also why "reality" kicks in and you start seeing the flaws in the other person. Then you overcome this state too and THEN you have reached something that may last. It (the stages) is actually the same in all types of new relationships, in love or at work. Honeymoon period etc.

Many "relationships" end after the initial psychosis wears out. I know I sound like a bore, but I fall for it as well... I just know it for what it is....:)
so then tell me how you are supposed to tell if the relationship has realistic potential without having to fall for every person you may feel much attraction for (not just physically but emotionally too)?! I am tired of the trial and error method! I'm also tired of the method I used in the past where I don't give anyone a chance.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
691 Posts
The initial "Falling in love" is actually a state which very much resembles a psychosis. One can understand why it is useful evolutionwise. And also why "reality" kicks in and you start seeing the flaws in the other person. Then you overcome this state too and THEN you have reached something that may last. It (the stages) is actually the same in all types of new relationships, in love or at work. Honeymoon period etc.

Many "relationships" end after the initial psychosis wears out. I know I sound like a bore, but I fall for it as well... I just know it for what it is....:)
Psychosis? Where is the resemblance? Behavioral? Neurochemical? That's a bold statement.
 
1 - 20 of 54 Posts
Top