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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have an INTP friend who I really get along with. We're not extraordinarily close, but whenever we hang out, we always have good conversations. Unfortunately, he's starting to remind me more and more of my ex (a super repressed INTx- I expect INTP, but he was so repressed I typed him as an INTJ :tongue:). They both can't sit still, enjoy arguing, know a lot about political topics, and give a lot of time to their friends. They also have negative habits- randomly leaving in the middle of a conversation, for example.

I don't want to stop being friends with him, and we have to work together for at least two more months so it wouldn't really be an option anyway. But I also don't want to feel awkward because I'm mentally equating him with my ex, and I don't really think that's fair to him anyway. The similarities are too striking to forget about them.

So, here are my options. If you could tell me your response to them, that would be great.

  1. Explain to him which of his actions make me uncomfortable- not that he has to change them, but why I feel awkward
  2. Ignore it
  3. Avoid him at all costs
  4. All of the above
 

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2 or 3. But you said 3 was impossible so... 2. No one wants to hear from their friend "you remind me of my ex, and that makes me uncomfortable." Like... am I supposed to do something about that? Or... why are you telling me this? I'd probably feel very uncomfortable around someone after that haha.
 

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For the love of god don't do #1
Why?
It is exactly what I would prefer.
I prefer to know the truth even if it is not pleasant.
It has happened few times, but I hate when somebody who I think is a friend begin to avoid me without giving me a reason.
I'm ready to accept any reason, but I want to know what it is.
And I don't get easily offended.
 

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Try #1.

Although he MIGHT assume that means you like him.. INTPs tend to wonder a lot. Just text it to him. Do NOT say it to his face, because he may not know what to do. Text: "By the way, I had to tell you something that's bothering me" and when he asks "what?" with utmost suspicion, tell him. I can't see how you're going to say it without being awkward and a fail, but good luck.

But there's a 90% chance he'll distance himself from you and keep you around ONLY when needed for work. If someone told me not to do this and not to do that, I wouldn't bother with them. What am I supposed to do? Act like an ENFJ instead? Too much work, simpler to keep distance.
 

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Why?
It is exactly what I would prefer.
I prefer to know the truth even if it is not pleasant.
It has happened few times, but I hate when somebody who I think is a friend begin to avoid me without giving me a reason.
I'm ready to accept any reason, but I want to know what it is.
And I don't get easily offended.
Because for whatever reason the base logic here doesn't seem to be based in anything the other guy would understand. The way he does things makes OP feel awkward because it reminds him of his ex? Not exactly something most people want to hear, and by introducing that factor into it he probably won't change anything for the better. Even more so if it's over something kinda trivial.
 

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Whatever INTP traits your ex and your friend have in common, your friend isn't your ex. Don't let yourself carry your baggage with your ex over to your friend. He doesn't deserve that. If he is truly your friend you shouldn't burden him with that and deal with it on your own time. The issue isn't with his actions, it's your interpretation of them.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
So what does this have to do with evil clutches and the escape therefrom? Thread did not deliver.
My bad. Forgot to mention the INTP in question is actually Darth Vader and I'm being held captive on the fourth Death Star



He indirectly reminds you of your ex? I'm not even sure where the problem is.
He acts a lot like him, and our relationship ended... very badly. So emotionally, it makes me uncomfortable, wary and probably not the best friend.

I think everyone's right though- I was going for communication is the best option with number one, but I wouldn't want to make him uncomfortable, since it is my problem. I think I'll go talk it out with some other friends a bit more and see what I can do about it.
@OneMind that was beautiful
 

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They also have negative habits- randomly leaving in the middle of a conversation, for example.
I would think of following reasons for leaving in the middle of conversation:
1) Remembering having very important task that cannot wait
2) The discussion crushing my inferior Fe (sensing malice or unfairness or assertion of superiority in it... or does it have depressive implications?)

In case of 2) I would disappear for a while without a word in order to sort out the negative feelings and be able to function normal again.
I would hate to talk about it, especially before the feeling is sorted out because in that state my ability to express myself clearly is impaired. Unless I know what exactly caused the feelings and whether those are justified I really hate to express them and I ma react bitterly if I am interrogated about that. I would seek solitude, because I hate to radiate negative feelings around me (and I cannot fake otherwise).

I will tell you real example of me (not exactly pure discussion):
I, my brother and father were leaving hotel apartment. We wanted to get stuff into car and then watch first round of Slalom (Alpine skiing) before finally leaving. I was cleaning dishes. Father was quite done with his stuff and without checking if others are quite ready went for car and said he will be waiting there.
So I paused the dishes and took the stuff so he did not have to wait long. But brother was not ready so it took some time and as we returned the Slalom already started.
Then they were: "Why didn't you wash the dishes?"
I was like: "I was washing it but I had to pause it because of you two..."
But they probably misunderstood and thought that I question who is supposed to do it.
So they: "But its your turn so wash the dishes"
In that context to me it was clearly an order to do it immediately instead of watching the slalom.
But that was like being screwed over just because I gave preference to benefit of others (to pause my task in order not to make others wait (but thanks to brother we waited anyway)) -> it made me quite angry
So without a word I finished my task angrily, ignoring cancellation of that order*
Then I left immediately and spent half an hour contemplating in nearby park realizing it was ignorance and not malice. Almost ceased to speak to them for the rest of the day.

*If someone presses order at me against my will, I am like - I will do that, but that is the last thing and then [email protected]#k him forever; than I wouldn't owe him anything and I wouldn't want to know him
Accepting change of that order would mean accepting that I am door-mat. If someone want to press something at me against my will he should be sure it's something worth it.

This one was rather simple, but sometime its series of smaller bad feelings about something that we rationals tent to compartmentalize so it doesn't affect our reasoning and ability to cooperate effectively. And sometime the compartment gets full without prior warning and we must empty it - and INTP rarely does this in front of people unless he really wants to shock them.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
@SilverFalcon it's mostly that we'll be texting and he'll suddenly just stop responding. Or that if we're standing somewhere talking he'll suddenly get distracted by something and walk away. I think it might be an ADD thing, not necessarily an INTP thing, though neither of them have been officially diagnosed (at least, that I'm aware of).

The other negative things, in general, include ignoring others' emotions and having a more "ends justify the means" perspective- no matter who you have to roll through to get there. Though again, not sure if that's an INTP thing or just a similarity between the two of them as individuals.
 

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My problem with this conversation is that you can't fix someone else without first focusing on any issues you have with yourself first.

Fixing someone means that you are looking down on them. Which means you are frustrated or you feel unsafe around him, and this something that you are belittling him for.... is taking him out of the realm of him being a person and viewing him as more of an object. My suggestion is to stop associating this co-worker with your ex. They are not your ex. Build some gratitude for the said individual and appreciate the work that they do, and treat them as a person with fallacies, weaknesses and needs just like the rest of us.
 
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@SilverFalcon it's mostly that we'll be texting and he'll suddenly just stop responding. Or that if we're standing somewhere talking he'll suddenly get distracted by something and walk away. I think it might be an ADD thing, not necessarily an INTP thing, though neither of them have been officially diagnosed (at least, that I'm aware of).

The other negative things, in general, include ignoring others' emotions and having a more "ends justify the means" perspective- no matter who you have to roll through to get there. Though again, not sure if that's an INTP thing or just a similarity between the two of them as individuals.
Actually I think that these behaviors can be irritating enough to tell him to try to control them without speaking about your ex.
Gently explain him that it isn't appropriate to walk away randomly during a conversation and that it would be nice to stop a text conversation with an explanation or a closure.
If he doesn't understand, you are legitimate to pull him for an arm every time he run away and to send him texts like "YOU SILLY!!! Where did you go? ANSWER to the question!!!"
Ignoring other's feelings... Meh... More difficult to change, but sometime it can help explain us that not offending the others can help us to achieve our goals, so you could resolve the problem of the feelings and the problem of the "ends justify the means" in just a move.
I'm kidding (but not completely)
 
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