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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Sorry, this post might sound kind of immature...but it's just something that's been stuck in my mind that won't go away and I can't find a good answer for myself:

It's stuck out in my mind for a while now that most of the friends that I make and get along with best are ESFJ's.
There are 2 particular ESFJ friends that I've had as best friends (or well....I was their proclaimed best friend, but I can't find it in myself to wholeheartedly trust them, so it's hard for me to consider them my best friends).

This surprizes me alot :/ Why this type and not all the other types?
Am I just a really dumb level of INFJ that my friendships with the people I wanted (my favorite friends that I absolutely loved and trusted were an ENFJ and an ENFP) didn't stick because I couldn't keep up with them? Why am I just reduced to being the temporary sidekick of my ESFJ friends until they find something better?
Is it because I was raised by an ESFJ mother, whom I spent much of my life trying to emulate rather than my INFJ father? Why did they even get along in the first place? (they're divorced now but...)
 

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Am I just a really dumb level of INFJ that my friendships with the people I wanted (my favorite friends that I absolutely loved and trusted were an ENFJ and an ENFP) didn't stick because I couldn't keep up with them? Why am I just reduced to being the temporary sidekick of my ESFJ friends until they find something better?
Is it because I was raised by an ESFJ mother, whom I spent much of my life trying to emulate rather than my INFJ father? Why did they even get along in the first place? (they're divorced now but...)
Sorry I realized I barely answered your questions.

Am I just a really dumb level of INFJ that my friendships with the people I wanted (my favorite friends that I absolutely loved and trusted were an ENFJ and an ENFP) didn't stick because I couldn't keep up with them?
No. It's mostly the E part. I think they probably believed you liked the alone time. I bet if you reached out to them they would respond. But then again I'm not sure what you mean by 'didn't stick'.

Why am I just reduced to being the temporary sidekick of my ESFJ friends until they find something better?
See above post. From my experience that may not be the case

Is it because I was raised by an ESFJ mother, whom I spent much of my life trying to emulate rather than my INFJ father? Why did they even get along in the first place?
That may only justify why you got attached to ESFJ's or vice versa. Not sure but I will say that your parents might have fallen in love just due to the sheer difference of the two personalities. Perhaps the ESFJ needed the unconditional love and the INFJ was more than willing to give it? The INFJ needed to be brought down to earth and worry less and the ESFJ was more than happy to help? So many reason but that's my experience
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Sorry I realized I barely answered your questions.

Am I just a really dumb level of INFJ that my friendships with the people I wanted (my favorite friends that I absolutely loved and trusted were an ENFJ and an ENFP) didn't stick because I couldn't keep up with them?
No. It's mostly the E part. I think they probably believed you liked the alone time. I bet if you reached out to them they would respond. But then again I'm not sure what you mean by 'didn't stick'.

Why am I just reduced to being the temporary sidekick of my ESFJ friends until they find something better?
See above post. From my experience that may not be the case

Is it because I was raised by an ESFJ mother, whom I spent much of my life trying to emulate rather than my INFJ father? Why did they even get along in the first place?
That may only justify why you got attached to ESFJ's or vice versa. Not sure but I will say that your parents might have fallen in love just due to the sheer difference of the two personalities. Perhaps the ESFJ needed the unconditional love and the INFJ was more than willing to give it? The INFJ needed to be brought down to earth and worry less and the ESFJ was more than happy to help? So many reason but that's my experience
Wow!! I never thought there'd be someone with a similar situation as mine :happy:
I mean the ENFP and ENFJ's didn't stick because....well I suppose they just drifted apart from me or didn't have a need for my company anymore. We have everything in common and it's not that we have nothing to talk about, but I think they have more ambitious schemes to move forward to than stop and reflect on things with me.

My first real ESFJ best friend was in high school. I think she was looking for a best friend as like a hmm....foundation? she was socially ambitious but not that popular yet. We had our group of friends and she picked me out to join her and do everything with her. But.....when she got the popularity she was looking for she turned into a total asshole to everyone and I didn't cope with that too well and called her out on it and we had a major fight ><
The ESFJ friend I have now is already popular but grew apart from his old best friend so I guess he was looking for a new one when he found me...He's so much nicer and funnier and surprizingly similar to me but at the same time I tell myself to just be careful and never expect anything from him (which I should do for everyone else but....)

It's interesting that ESFJ's can be really different. I was going to write that INFJ's and ESFJ's often worry alot about the same things (like people and feelings) which may be why they get along. But at the same time I know alot of ESFJ's who couldn't give a shit about other people or their feelings xD
 

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I have two friends: ESFJ guy and INFJ girl. They both get along great, spending tons on time together. It is fun to watch them interact because the ESFJ is very vocal and passionate about everything while the INFJ is equally passionate but not so vocal. They are constantly bickering about something because the ESFJ knows just how to press the INFJ's buttons. There is always the feeling though that the INFJ knows way more than she lets on though.
 

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I can relate to this! Two of my very best friends are ESFJ. I love them! the first was a highschool friend and i had that little bit of distance there with her......like she felt totally connected with me and i still held back.........but with the friend i have now I have connected so amazingly with her. It is as though we are a mirror image of eachother but we have a slightly different take on the world which enhances our depth and friendship BIG tIME. She is insightful and deep and all that, but she can really pinpoint issues in the here and now that bypass me......i am more interested in the concept.....and we bounce amazingly off one another. I hope you can get deeper with your ESFJ friends......it is well worth it.

i dont have anyone in my family that is ESFJ. I seem to be very attracted to this type.......they bring out my fun parts! I accidently become friends with ESFJ.....great type! :laughing:
 

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Ehrm... I'm INFJ and getting married to an ESFJ next year.
We do seem to worry about the same things, but in a different way. And he does need unconditional love, and I give him that. He does pull me down to earth and stops me worrying about things.

He goes off a lot on his own and enjoys that. I enjoy being alone for that time.. it works really well. So far, anyway ;-)
 

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INFJ/ESFJ relationship is typed at that of supervision in socionics where INFJ is the supervisor and ESFJ is the supervisee. This type of relationship starts out well usually on initiative of the supervisee (ESFJ) who sees the supervisor as an admirable but somewhat mysterious person. But over long period of time this relationship is classed as repulsive, with greater elements of competition and discord present between partners. I'd say this holds more true for some relationships of supervision than others, in INFJ-ESFJ relations because INFJ are sensitive to harming their partner there is likely to be less conflict. So what happens in these relations is that the supervisor experiences a frequent need to insert their dominant function into life of supervisee who is completely blind to it. So INFJ may find himself or herself trying to insert Ni into life of ESFJ, but this is not how ESFJ deals with own problems. They have no need for Ni and instead rely on their tertiary Ne. So then the ESFJ feels like he or she being criticized by INFJ for nothing or that the INFJ is giving advice that they cannot understand of relate to.

In real life this plays out like this. My grandmother is ESFJ and she has been like second mother to me, so we've interacted intensively over long period of time. What I see is that she is completely unable to see patterns in people and often would get hurt by same people over and over again. My advice to her is "well this person has hurt you before" but she cannot keep track of it because she has no Ni. Her Si keeps track of physical comfort but for people problems she relies on Ne for the most part, and instead of seeing patterns of the past to avoid same issues (which is what Ni does) she detects opportunities and possibilities that present in the moment and jumps onto them. So even before I knew about socionics I started falling on my auxiliary function instead, so if she started judging people for acting in some bad ways then I'd fall on my Fe also and judge alongside. I resorted to doing this because my Ni advice made absolutely no impact on her. And in socionics it says that if supervisor wants to keep a good relationship going with the supervisee that this person will have to fall on their auxiliary and keep their dominant function out of supervisee's life. If you do this and don't really mind withholding your Ni "it always works out so, see the pattern!" advice then it can be a very good relationship. What ESFJ who ran into some problems really wants to hear about is how to seize and work with the present moment so to say.
 

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INFJ/ESFJ relationship is typed at that of supervision in socionics where INFJ is the supervisor and ESFJ is the supervisee. This type of relationship starts out well usually on initiative of the supervisee (ESFJ) who sees the supervisor as an admirable but somewhat mysterious person. But over long period of time this relationship is classed as repulsive, with greater elements of competition and discord present between partners. I'd say this holds more true for some relationships of supervision than others, in INFJ-ESFJ relations because INFJ are sensitive to harming their partner there is likely to be less conflict. So what happens in these relations is that the supervisor experiences a frequent need to insert their dominant function into life of supervisee who is completely blind to it. So INFJ may find himself or herself trying to insert Ni into life of ESFJ, but this is not how ESFJ deals with own problems. They have no need for Ni and instead rely on their tertiary Ne. So then the ESFJ feels like he or she being criticized by INFJ for nothing or that the INFJ is giving advice that they cannot understand of relate to.

In real life this plays out like this. My grandmother is ESFJ and she has been like second mother to me, so we've interacted intensively over long period of time. What I see is that she is completely unable to see patterns in people and often would get hurt by same people over and over again. My advice to her is "well this person has hurt you before" but she cannot keep track of it because she has no Ni. Her Si keeps track of physical comfort but for people problems she relies on Ne for the most part, and instead of seeing patterns of the past to avoid same issues (which is what Ni does) she detects opportunities and possibilities that present in the moment and jumps onto them. So even before I knew about socionics I started falling on my auxiliary function instead, so if she started judging people for acting in some bad ways then I'd fall on my Fe also and judge alongside. I resorted to doing this because my Ni advice made absolutely no impact on her. And in socionics it says that if supervisor wants to keep a good relationship going with the supervisee that this person will have to fall on their auxiliary and keep their dominant function out of supervisee's life. If you do this and don't really mind withholding your Ni "it always works out so, see the pattern!" advice then it can be a very good relationship. What ESFJ who ran into some problems really wants to hear about is how to seize and work with the present moment so to say.
Very insightful. This will be useful!
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
INFJ/ESFJ relationship is typed at that of supervision in socionics where INFJ is the supervisor and ESFJ is the supervisee. This type of relationship starts out well usually on initiative of the supervisee (ESFJ) who sees the supervisor as an admirable but somewhat mysterious person. But over long period of time this relationship is classed as repulsive, with greater elements of competition and discord present between partners. I'd say this holds more true for some relationships of supervision than others, in INFJ-ESFJ relations because INFJ are sensitive to harming their partner there is likely to be less conflict. So what happens in these relations is that the supervisor experiences a frequent need to insert their dominant function into life of supervisee who is completely blind to it. So INFJ may find himself or herself trying to insert Ni into life of ESFJ, but this is not how ESFJ deals with own problems. They have no need for Ni and instead rely on their tertiary Ne. So then the ESFJ feels like he or she being criticized by INFJ for nothing or that the INFJ is giving advice that they cannot understand of relate to.

In real life this plays out like this. My grandmother is ESFJ and she has been like second mother to me, so we've interacted intensively over long period of time. What I see is that she is completely unable to see patterns in people and often would get hurt by same people over and over again. My advice to her is "well this person has hurt you before" but she cannot keep track of it because she has no Ni. Her Si keeps track of physical comfort but for people problems she relies on Ne for the most part, and instead of seeing patterns of the past to avoid same issues (which is what Ni does) she detects opportunities and possibilities that present in the moment and jumps onto them. So even before I knew about socionics I started falling on my auxiliary function instead, so if she started judging people for acting in some bad ways then I'd fall on my Fe also and judge alongside. I resorted to doing this because my Ni advice made absolutely no impact on her. And in socionics it says that if supervisor wants to keep a good relationship going with the supervisee that this person will have to fall on their auxiliary and keep their dominant function out of supervisee's life. If you do this and don't really mind withholding your Ni "it always works out so, see the pattern!" advice then it can be a very good relationship. What ESFJ who ran into some problems really wants to hear about is how to seize and work with the present moment so to say.
This IS very useful and I didn't think about it this way, but it's true. I'm glad I posted this at this time because we're starting to get pretty close and I want to know about how to treat this friendship ahead of time :happy:
He likes to ask me for advice alot, and I usually direct him as to how he should respond/react. However, I'm sometimes guilty of telling him how a certain relationship will play out in the end (because of past patterns, like you were saying) and I'm glad to know that I should hold back :happy: I like giving advice but I like knowing what I should censor too :happy: because sometimes I'm not so sure....
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I can relate to this! Two of my very best friends are ESFJ. I love them! the first was a highschool friend and i had that little bit of distance there with her......like she felt totally connected with me and i still held back.........but with the friend i have now I have connected so amazingly with her. It is as though we are a mirror image of eachother but we have a slightly different take on the world which enhances our depth and friendship BIG tIME. She is insightful and deep and all that, but she can really pinpoint issues in the here and now that bypass me......i am more interested in the concept.....and we bounce amazingly off one another. I hope you can get deeper with your ESFJ friends......it is well worth it.

i dont have anyone in my family that is ESFJ. I seem to be very attracted to this type.......they bring out my fun parts! I accidently become friends with ESFJ.....great type! :laughing:
Yeahh!!! After that first bad ESFJ friend I was really hesitant to get close to this new ESFJ because I thought that they were just a bunch of shallow social climbing fools, and I didn't think they had the capacity to be deep at all. But this ESFJ is so enthusiastic about thinking about ALL kinds of things and it's a totally different experience :happy:

I'm so happy for ESFJ's too. Good thing there's so many of them in the world! :D
 

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There are 2 particular ESFJ friends that I've had as best friends (or well....I was their proclaimed best friend, but I can't find it in myself to wholeheartedly trust them, so it's hard for me to consider them my best friends).

...Why am I just reduced to being the temporary sidekick of my ESFJ friends until they find something better?
I have a guy friend that is an ESFJ and I feel exactly the same way about him as these two statements you made. He is one of the greatest friends I've ever had, and on so many levels I trust him... but on his side of the friendship I just cannot completely trust that he views me as that good of a friend all the time.

"Temporary sidekick" is perfect for how I feel, I just never put words to it like you did. I work with him on a video team and sometimes I feel like our partnership is invaluable to him while other times I feel like I could disappear from his life tomorrow and it wouldn't make any difference in his life.

I think that so much of the up and down of our realationship is great for me, it keeps me interested. We bicker A LOT, but it's just because we both feel passionately about certain things.

I've learned to not put him on a pedestal like I probably used to when I first got close to him. I never meant to but when I reflect back on how much it hurt me the first time I felt "replaceably" in his life I think that's what I had done. I think it was easy for me to do that because I found his enthusiasm and creativity so exciting. I think that because he's never afraid to express what he's feeling unlike me I saw that as a strength that I didn't posess and revered.
 

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Don't mean to crash the party... I had a pretty rocky relationship with my ESFJ mother (at least I always thought she was an ESFJ) all through my teen years.

My father (INTP) and I get along tremendously well... always have. He treats me with respect... and I love him for it. I got my strong Ti from him.

Mom's made demands that I drop what I'm doing and help her out, just because "That's what son's are supposed to do". It made me almost begin to resent my own Fe. I ended up feeling disrespected, which made me withdraw my help... Instead of trying to approach me in a way that is more adult, she would get emotional and begin to threaten me.

Our fights would go in that pattern. She'd demand something, get angry whenever I didn't obey emphatically, threaten me, I'd bite the bullet, then she'd apologize... I'd say when I was young... I went through about 50 of those cycles. She's dating an ENTP now... He used to agree with her side of disputes just out of form... but a few months into dating her... it shifted... now it's always him telling her to calm down.

And... if I ever confide in her w/ something sensitive I want to keep secret, she tells everyone (Literally everyone) in under 2 business days.
 
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