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Then that is different. I'm saying that in my experience, it was the other way around.
There was no devotion for 3 years with my INTP.
It all came from me. I know what you mean too, but it wasn't there. Devoted isn't an adjective I would use for INTP's.
Based upon one relationship you had that didn't go well? That sounds like a small sample size and hard feelings more than good analysis, wouldn't you say?

I can assure you I know both INTP's (me; my father; my brother sometimes - he's usually ENTP) and ESFJ's (mother; sister & husband; ex-wife) well and I get where you're coming from.

I can also assure you that INTP's are (in their own minds) typically devoted, exclusive mates. The joke is that they're so grateful that anyone likes them that they're devoted. INTP's for example, aren't typically known as cheaters (ENTP's have more of that reputation, as to ESFP's).

The problem is that INTP's are withdrawn and not emotive (not the same as unemotional), and also that their mindset is that showered effection is almost disingenuous as it seems to be needlessly stating the obvious. That attention/affection also comes across to the INTP as being intrusive and controlling. In short INTP's come across as cold, distant and unaffectionate, even when the opposite (in their minds) is true.

I also understand why you have the impression you have, and what you described is a classic INTP-ESFJ troubled relationship. You are conscientious at trying to make a relationship work and looking out for the other person. You simply require recognition and thanks in return. The INTP is wired to be horrible at those things. I think INTP's are generally tough mates to have, especially if the INTP is not a relatively mature person.

The bottom line here is that INTP-ESFJ may generally be the most challenging type match out there - it's tough to find other ones as tough. They're such opposites, not just abstractly in terms of the MBTI letters, but substantively. They socialize, communicate, interpret, empathize, think, prioritize and live day to day differently. If they're both mature and aware (and accepting) of their differences then they can be a powerful duo as their respective strengths fill in the weak areas of their partner, truly the yin-yang concept in action. This combo is simply not for beginners, however.
 

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I suppose it depends on how much each party adapts for the other. My best friend is an ESFJ whereas I am an INTP. Naturally, since we are polar opposites, I found her very difficult to figure out. I don't ask her why she feels the need to have everyone like her any more. I don't complain (as much) when we bump into people she knows and she spends a while talking to them. Equally, she has tried to cut down her conversations with people I don't know, and she no longer invites them to join us. I'm not particularly adept at conversing with strangers, so it makes me very uncomfortable when people I don't know tag along. She has learnt not to take my sarcasm to heart and I try not to say things she might take too offensively. She doesn't drag me to social events or try to persuade me to attend them. It takes compromise and understanding, but I do think that if you're willing to put the work in, it's a very complimentary pair.
 

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My opinion (as an XNTP):
INTPs have a tendency to be too harsh and judgmental, so this can lead to conflict with other personalities, ESPECIALLY Feelers. But, INTPs who have grown up around ESFJs and are more familiar with their strengths and weaknesses are more likely to tolerate, even enjoy, their presence. Some of the most pleasant, charming, and affectionate people are ESFJs. My grandmother was an ESFJ, and she was probably the kindest person I knew. Of course, later I discovered that she was far less than the perfect person she seemed to be to me as a child, but still.
When you think about it, ESFJs can be pretty freakin' awesome. Some of them are even kind of quirky and funny, when you get them to chill out ;)
 

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I'm married to an ESFJ. I would have to agree that it is challenging at times, but definitely rewarding. Rewarding how? Mostly in part due to the reasons already stated, namely that we balance each other. How is it working? I believe it's because of our approach to our relationship in the beginning. We decided to maintain clear communication about misconceptions, needs, and offenses. An example would be when I say too much too strongly. She tells me straight-away that she took it offensively, I take it back/apologize and the potential predicament is over before it begins.

I think my mother and sisters must have helped me out when I was growing up/living at home. They explained that if I was thankful/appreciative for something, I should say thanks because some people need it. Not for me, for them. I think this type of communication is a tremendous help to an ESFJ-INTP relationship lol

Could be wrong tho ;)
 

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Auntie Duckie
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The joke is that they're so grateful that anyone likes them that they're devoted.
That's not far from reality though... I'm grateful for every single friend that I have. To be my friend, all you really need to do is like me back, lol.

-ZDD
 

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I am surprised to see that many INTPs have wives or friends that are ESFJs. My best girl friend is an ESFJ, we were friends since we were 8. There's certainly something "supernatural" going on between the two types.
She is nothing like me. And I am nothing like her. But we hang out. I think maybe when we're together we both adjust our selves to be a little closer to each other. She's making me act more silly than I would normally act and I make her act more serious than she would normally. And we kinda meet in the middle.

And although she is freakisly popular and she has something like 23857293745 friends, she has always considered me her best friend ever. And since I don't really make friends, she's still the only one that stuck around, so yes she is my best friend.
 

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Upbringing does have a lot to do with it. And the fact that not all ESFJs and INTPs are the same.

Although... Most of my friends are introverts... And thinkers... And I tend to get irritated with my ESFP friend... But hey, she's fun to be around and brings me out of my shell a little.
 

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interesting thread... Let's just say that I know this girl (via the internet of course) that I made take an MTBI test, for curiosity's sake. I knew she'd be an E, and turned out to be ESFJ. I thought great, we're total opposites. But we overlook our differences most of the time and have gotten along really well for a really long time now. I swear I could marry her one day. uirfglwuerhlwhverkgre
 

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Aww this thread is so sweet. I love it. One of my INTP friends totally shocked me one day when he said I was the most kind, giving, selfless person he'd ever met. His wife is one of my closest friends (she's INTJ!) and they don't really offer up a lot of compliments, so it meant a lot to me! :))) We all get along really well and have great conversations - for an ESFJ I really love deep conversations.
 

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Auntie Duckie
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Most of my friends are introverts... And thinkers... And I tend to get irritated with my ESFP friend... But hey, she's fun to be around and brings me out of my shell a little.
I imagine a group of young friends, mixed Thinker types and an ESFJ, riding their bikes together. Someone sees a ramp and tries to make a short jump that fails, resulting in a skinned knee.

INTP: "That ramp was too short for a good jump"

INTP: "Next time you could get better lift if you started faster"

INTP: "You need to put something on that cut or it could get infected"

ESFJ: <goes over & hugs the person, helping them up> "you'll do better next time"

lol

-ZDD
 

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I could see that being the case. INFP's also seem to have nothing in common with them, from my experience.
My girlfriend of 18 months is INFJ and couldn't be more different than my ESFJ ex-wife (unless she was INTP of course :D ).
 

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My opinion (as an XNTP):
INTPs have a tendency to be too harsh and judgmental, so this can lead to conflict with other personalities, ESPECIALLY Feelers. But, INTPs who have grown up around ESFJs and are more familiar with their strengths and weaknesses are more likely to tolerate, even enjoy, their presence. Some of the most pleasant, charming, and affectionate people are ESFJs. My grandmother was an ESFJ, and she was probably the kindest person I knew. Of course, later I discovered that she was far less than the perfect person she seemed to be to me as a child, but still.
When you think about it, ESFJs can be pretty freakin' awesome. Some of them are even kind of quirky and funny, when you get them to chill out ;)
That's precisely my background and my own experience. Still, I think there will always be the classic INTP-ESFJ rub where the ESFJ's constant helpful, care-taking behavior toward the INTP will feel intrusive and patronizing to the INTP at times. Mature INTP's will not lash out over this except in severe cases, and mature ESFJ's will learn to scale their behavior back, especially in certain areas that they learn are particular sore spots for their INTP.
 

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I am surprised to see that many INTPs have wives or friends that are ESFJs.
ESFJ's are the most common type statistically (as high as 40% of the population), and I think many ESFJ's find their INTP's quirks cute, and their INTP's disinterest in and/or inability to take care of ordinary, day-to-day household or personal life tasks as almost a calling for them, sort of like, "I love him and I do those things well." They're natural caretakers (they literally feel like they live to take care of those they love) and in the INTP they see someone in great need of a caretaker.

It's counter-intuitive, but I think both parties quickly see how the other fills voids in their lives and, with other attractive qualities (I would think the INTP would need for the ESFJ to be as intelligent and roughly as educated as the INTP, for example) I could see a quick mutual attraction.
 

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I imagine a group of young friends, mixed Thinker types and an ESFJ, riding their bikes together. Someone sees a ramp and tries to make a short jump that fails, resulting in a skinned knee.

INTP: "That ramp was too short for a good jump"

INTP: "Next time you could get better lift if you started faster"

INTP: "You need to put something on that cut or it could get infected"

ESFJ: <goes over & hugs the person, helping them up> "you'll do better next time"

lol

-ZDD
Yeah, pretty much. Our problem solving mode is always just below the surface, waiting to emerge, and in such moments where some empathy is much more appropriate, it makes us seem reptilian when in fact we think we're being helpful by offering constructive criticism and objective observation and analysis.
 
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