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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Thought I posted earlier but can't find it - so sorry if you read this elsewhere!

Ok, so I recently broke up with an ENTP after a four month relationship. He pursued me hard, and after my initial hesitation I gave in. We fell in love fast. He often talked about the future together and was very affectionate. Once in a while he'd get moody and say we weren't going to work, I can find better, etc - but would snap out of it after a bit of reassurance and kisses.

A few weeks ago we had an awesome fun weekend together. The next night he stood me up, which is not at all like him. Admittedly, i did go overboard. I texted, emailed, called over the next 12 hours. Eventually he picked up the phone and told me I was crazy. The next week was drama which I don't like. Mostly I tried to fix things and he just got angrier, and eventrually he broke up with me.

In the two weeks since things have been getting better. We text, sometimes friendly, sometimes flirty, once in a while he seems moody. He told me he was too afraid of being in love with a "crazy person" and was purposely going to wall his heart against me. But other times he prompts me to say emotional things, etc. We spent the night together last weekend and things were like they always were when we were together. When we lay in bed that night he held me very tight and said "I'm sorry", but there were no other talk of emotions or what this meant.

The next day I tried to see him again, but he said I needed to stop "pushing" him by making plans, and let him decide when we'd see each other next. He asked me not to corner him and let him come back to me "like a puppy". We texted back and forth like normal for the next few days. Sometimes I got the impression he was being moody, like suspicious or angry, but I dont' know why. And I realize it's hard to read emotion correctly over text.

It's now been two days and I haven't heard from him. I'm trying to give him space by sending one text in the morning and one before bed; just saying "hi" and that I hope he's well. How should I take this? is he taking time to figure out what he wants? Or is this him being done and walking away without another word. I want to give him space if he needs it, but also want to be supportive and let him know I'm here. Any advice is greatly appreciated!!!
 

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Sounds like both of you are a little high maintenance, especially if you're only a couple months into a relationship. "Crazy", in it's nice sense is guy code for "too much into the current stage of a relationship". You seem to be trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and he still comes off pretty bad with the whole push-pull thing, so I see red flags.

I'd wait him out with no contact for a couple of weeks, if you're really into him (it'll also let the crush part pass a little). Then discuss new terms of engagement. If he moves on, it's no big loss (unless he's that big a catch).

Also, as an esfj, you probably desire a certain amount of... control (ie consitency, continuity, etc..) over things. You won't get it from an entp. We tend to live by the phrase "rebel, then do what they say anyway." I'm sure this will drive you up a wall. If he's worth it, both of you will have some adapting to do, as even mature entps are like that.

If you're going to lead an entp around, you have to keep him either curious or entertained. That means you need to do a lot of thinking of "how will I be mysterious today?', or plots like that.
 

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It seems like they like to keep their options open. He probably felt cornered and like you were trying to control him.

This could be for 1 of 2 reasons.

a: You were being a tad controlling and tried to 'take the reigns' and tried to push the relationship further and faster than he was comfortable with. Or

b: You didn't do that and his brain thought you were. He's probably pretty commitment-phobic and his feelings aren't playing nice with his brain.


Really, all you can do is just give him space to figure it out on his own. Or just move on and find someone a little less touchy in the relationship arena.
 

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How old is this guy, I'm going to guess late teens to early 20's? It may just be a matter of him still maturing. It sounds to me like he's still trying to find himself. Guarantee that there are a lot of factors racing through his head that you're probably completely unaware of, many of which you'll probably never know. That's most likely what's causing the perceived moodiness. I will attempt to describe his likely state of mind in a way that you will hopefully understand -

Think of your daily routines and how you go about your business. Everything goes how it's suppose to be going then all of a sudden something triggers that little voice inside your head that says "What if?" What if this goes wrong, what if something happens, did I remember to turn the stove off, did I lock the door, what if someone tries to break in, what if...what if...what if...??? It just keeps going and drives you completely insane. Now imagine if that little voice never went away, and just kept going all day, every day...after day...after day weighing out every single possibility, every probability, every possible meaning of everything that did, is, or could happen. That little voice is just part of everyday life for us ENTPs. We take (and need) a lot of time and energy contemplating everything about absolutely everything.

He may seem random and unfocussed to you, but really he's probably focused on something that you don't know about and he's probably weighing out probabilities in his head that haven't even registered (and have no real reason to register) on your radar yet. As an ESFJ you're probably looking for some kind of sense of normalcy and security, and you probably expect some kind of effort on his part to maintain that sense of security. He's not going to share that need of security to the same extent that you do and your desire for him to pay attention to you and your desire for normalcy is probably perceived as a giant annoying distraction by him.

Hopefully that gives you at least some kind of answers.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
How old is this guy, I'm going to guess late teens to early 20's? It may just be a matter of him still maturing. It sounds to me like he's still trying to find himself.
He's in his late 30's. He's had two long term relationships with some seriously unstable women (yes, I know I've only heard his side of the story). He's the one that talks about the future more and in general is the more affectionate one.

He does seem to get annoyed at things quite easily. But if I had some communication from him about what he wants/expects right now I could do what he wants and therefore help. I'd like to keep things light and fun and let whatever happens, happen - but I can't do that when he's totally shut down. It just sucks that I finally met someone that has the same interests and wish lists and taste.....yet we can't seem to pull it together. I can't help but think if he cared as much as he used to claim, he wouldn't leave me hurting and wondering.
 

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He's in his late 30's. He's had two long term relationships with some seriously unstable women (yes, I know I've only heard his side of the story). He's the one that talks about the future more and in general is the more affectionate one.

He does seem to get annoyed at things quite easily. But if I had some communication from him about what he wants/expects right now I could do what he wants and therefore help. I'd like to keep things light and fun and let whatever happens, happen - but I can't do that when he's totally shut down. It just sucks that I finally met someone that has the same interests and wish lists and taste.....yet we can't seem to pull it together. I can't help but think if he cared as much as he used to claim, he wouldn't leave me hurting and wondering.
We don't generally open up very easily (we say stuff that sounds open, but you're not in his head until he's telling you his internal monologue). One option is to guess his emotional state and see his reaction to your guess. It's hard to hide the initial response. Intrusive, but it can work (ie it's worked on me).

At this point, it's impossible to tell where he is exactly because we do so much manipulation. He could want you to go, want you to call him, want more attention, want less, etc...

Of course, you can take him literally; if you wanted an erratic, unpredictable puppy to come back, how would you entice it? Pulling a leash wouldn't work. You'd need to offer some kind of treat.
 

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No, I'm going with the her being controlling part. Call it "intuition". Add a slice of committment phobe on his part, and you've got yourselves an answer. Lady, the average ENTP can wait WEEKS before giving in and being the first one to break silence by texting, etc. Twice a day is giving him space? Cha! Get real, no offense.

try two weeks. Take up a hobby. Start thinking about something. Give him some REAL space.
 

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Are you two exclusive? If not, why not date other people in those two weeks you are waiting for text? It will take your mind off of things. You probably won't even notice him not texting.
 

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Sound advice.


ENTPs have a dual need for affection and autonomy.

Kill 'em with affection and they will need autonomy. Give 'em autonomy and they will ask for affection.

You're absolutely right, you can't win.

You have to play it cool if you want to try, though. And if you decide it is too stressful for you that way, find someone else.
 

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Lady, the average ENTP can wait WEEKS before giving in and being the first one to break silence by texting, etc. Twice a day is giving him space?
I was thinking the exact same thing after reading the post.
Space for me can be days, even weeks. And I prefer being the one to initiate contact, so the person knows that I am ready to communicate again instead of being poked and prodded into it before I'm really ready.
 

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I was thinking the exact same thing after reading the post.
Space for me can be days, even weeks. And I prefer being the one to initiate contact, so the person knows that I am ready to communicate again instead of being poked and prodded into it before I'm really ready.
Yeah I went through this game a single person. I just determined myself NOT to be the one to reach out, and if they didn't either ,well then suckola. But whatever, I wasn't doing it. It was pretty inconvenient. But it taught me a lot of balance and patience, now to deal and suppress those feelings in your gut..the anxiety, obsessiveness, etc. I am now successfully using that experience against a dweeb that i feel is going to sandblasting people left and right... I hope i at least cut a tiny bit of his ego down.
 

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Don't push him or be clingy. Any girl that does that is out the proverbial 12 story window. Don't try to understand his emotions all the time. Space. Give him it.

He's not an unstable crazy person, he really likes you but has his problems with you. See above. He's afraid of commitment, especially if he has to deal with the above all the time. Classic T v F relationship issue, complicated by him being an ENTP and you being an ESFJ.

I really was into an ESFJ for a bit, but the relationship was too confining and demanding for me to try and keep it together.
 

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I actually just broke up with my ESFJ girlfriends about 3 weeks ago. We had been dating for about 4 months plus change. What your guy is going through sounds extremely similar to what I went through. So let me explain a little about ENTP's and relationships...

For an ENTP, the relationship must always be growing from the ENTP's perspective. In more blunt terms, this means that if the ENTP becomes bored with the relationship/their partner, then the ENTP will start to question the relationship. He will do this completely internally, without bringing it up to you directly. Why? Because this has to be a decision we make on our own, and we have to be sure of it ourselves.
All the while however we will either put up a front that everything is ok, or ignore our partner.
Putting up a front has 2 functions: First, it doesn't tip off our partner that we're having doubts. If we decide to stick with the relationship, we wouldn't want our partner to question our loyalty. Second, it gives us more data to test out if the relationship could work from our point of view.

Now for the ignoring part... and I'm going to speak from experience here...

At about the 3 month point, the novelty of the relationship had worn off.... and here's one of the biggest weaknesses for an ENTP: we live for novelty. We need to jump from 'project' to 'project' to feel happy and/or engaged with the world. We hate structure, we hate being emotionally overwhelmed (we can't take all that an ESFJ can dish out), and we get very frustrated with other people's emotionally based value judgements (something ESFJ's do often... ENTP's value a complete logical understanding of a situation... i.e. an ESFJ will have an opinion of what should be based on their value system, while an ENTP will focus on the why? and how? of the world; not what should be, but what is and how to improve it). I won't project my relationship and why I was bored onto your relationship. However, that's what it sounds like is happening with your guy.

This doesn't mean that he doesn't care about you. In fact, I'm sure he cares deeply. I still care about my ex. She's one of the most caring people I have ever met in my life. But she wasn't for me. I couldn't see myself being happy in the future with her. I know my ex would have wanted us to try to fix the relationship instead, but I was sure of the incompatibilities on my own accord. My internal emotional turmoil leading up to me actually breaking up with her though was extremely tough because I knew it would crush her. And I really do care about her. But from an ENTP's perspective, it's not fair to lead the other on like that. And it's not fair to us because we're not happy.
So him ignoring you... it sound's like he's trying to make his decision. To do this, he wants to distance himself from you so that he can be sure that his judgement isn't clouded.

Of course, I could be wrong. I hate to be so pessimistic. I always want relationships to work. I just identify with what you wrote extremely well.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Thank you everyone for your well thought out answers and advice. Unfortunately some more serious mental health issues have been revealed since this all started; and in the end I don't think much of it had to do with me at all. He's a wonderful man and I hope if he ever gets himself settled and well we can try again. But right now that's not a possibility.
 
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