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I am a 23-year-old ENTP girl working a very high-stress/high-pressure job while the guy I'm dating is a 32-year-old ESFJ musician currently on tour. A lot of emotional distance has developed over the course of our physical distance while he's on tour, and we've had a few really awful conversations over the phone that have ended with him questioning whether he wants to be with me officially (we have been friends for a long time but only dating for about three months, and aren't boyfriend/girlfriend yet) on the basis of the 'terrible' way I communicate.

He has said we need to work on our communication and I'm trying very hard, to the point of seeking out this forum haha, but we see things so differently sometimes that it really is a struggle for me to be able to anticipate what will or won't aggravate him. Sometimes it's not even the core message of what I'm saying, but the WAY that I'm saying/phrasing it that upsets him. Whenever I make a communication 'misstep' it becomes blown way out of proportion in his mind to the point of being somehow indicative of deep underlying flaws in how I'll handle even worse hypothetical situations in the future. I hate feeling as if I am always failing his 'tests' because he expects me to read his mind and immediately understand the correct way to approach a conflict or a concern from his perspective. There is a disconnect between what he says he wants from me (open communication, full honesty, immediate discussion when I'm upset about something) and the way he reacts when I try to behave that way (suddenly I'm being dramatic, or passive-aggressive, or over-analytical in the way I'm approaching it).

I would really like to improve the way we relate to each other in the future and fix the damage already done, so any advice on the best (and worst!) ways to communicate with an ESFJ, particularly an ESFJ man, would be very, very appreciated. It's been difficult to find much information on this pairing, leading me to think it must be fairly rare, and I'm starting to see why - ha.
 

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Run for the hills, girl. Sounds like an ESFJ 6, and a manipulative one at that. I say that cause while its more common to be a 6 for an ESFJ, its obvious once they start putting you through tests and what not. I hate to say it, but he's brought up the prospect of not being with you, that's what he wants. He might be suggesting it so you would go with it.
Fact is, he's not loyal to you yet or let you all in, hence the hot and cold messages. If he wanted to be with you, he would be. His communication is beating around the bush, but you need to accept that perhaps these problems are un fixable, at least in a long distance context.
And I might get some heat for this... but in my personal experience, ESFJs in LDRs or even just casually dating treat it VERY lightly- puts a whole new meaning to different area code. Guess now I'm beating around the bush, but he might already have found someone else to satisfy his curiosity.
My advice? long distance sucks in general, and we could try to formulate a plan all day to enhance communication or deduce if its even worth it. Either way, Long distance would probably only work out with someone more compatible with you-- Such as a patient INFJ or spunky ISFP. At least according to Socionics, ENTPS and ESFJs are energizers. We are the complete opposite as extroverts. Too much time together plus a language gap, and that spells trouble. I myself have learned not to force it. If you love him, let him go. Especially if he's already hinted at it.
 
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