[SoulSauce]

I'm an INFP chic... I've had an on-and-off relationship with an ESFJ male. We met in college and we had an immediate, exhilarating connection. I have never felt such a connection / chemistry with a man in my life as this ESFJ male, and he has often told me the same thing. Unfortunately I feel like ESFJ males are very rare.

The problem is, this ESFJ male I've been with is very charming and handsome, so many many women swoon for him -- hence, lots of women (including myself) have gone "ga ga" for him, which is somewhat overwhelming for him plus it gives him many 'options'.

I am happy to know that I have been one of the few women that he has stuck with and courted around (for 5 years, actually). However, he wanted to keep our relationship casual and never wanted to step it up and get serious.

This ESFJ male has had only 1 serious girlfriend his whole life and he is 27 years old! (I am 26). He was the one who initiated to end the relationship of his last girlfriend.

I recently told him that it's over, and we can no longer see each other again (besides online communication) because it is too emotionally mind f-ing for me, plus his inability to reciprocate what I give (and want) is no longer bearable for me to handle. He wrote me with this explanation about his inability to open-up to people:

"in an lamely stereotypical way I have to admit that I have major intimacy and commitment issues. This is not just true of our friendship but of all my relationships (friend, family, and otherwise). I have always felt uncomfortable allowing myself to openup to people because to do so puts one in a position of vulnerability and I hate feeling that way."

He wrote me a very heart-felt email explaining that I have always been and will always be a special part of his life.

My guess is, he doesn't like feeling 'vulnerable' because ESFJ's like control... Amiright? I just find it crazy that an ESFJ male would not want a relationship and has had only 1 relationship his whole life... Hullo? Your dominant function is FEELING! Wtf? (He is also a bigger feeler than I am.... like, totally sensitive guy and stuff)...

Are all ESFJ males this way? I am moving on with my life, but would like to know what is up with this guy and whether his view on being anti-committed is common amongst ESFJ men. He is also an only child and an attorney, if that means anything.

ALSO: I broke it off with him in a very classy, non-fighting way. He is also the only man I've been with and the man I lost my virginity to
Do you think an ESFJ male will miss someone like me and come back in the future?

 

[Seeking Sanity]

I'm an INFP chic... I've had an on-and-off relationship with an ESFJ male. We met in college and we had an immediate, exhilarating connection. I have never felt such a connection / chemistry with a man in my life as this ESFJ male, and he has often told me the same thing. Unfortunately I feel like ESFJ males are very rare.

The problem is, this ESFJ male I've been with is very charming and handsome, so many many women swoon for him -- hence, lots of women (including myself) have gone "ga ga" for him, which is somewhat overwhelming for him plus it gives him many 'options'.

I am happy to know that I have been one of the few women that he has stuck with and courted around (for 5 years, actually). However, he wanted to keep our relationship casual and never wanted to step it up and get serious.

This ESFJ male has had only 1 serious girlfriend his whole life and he is 27 years old! (I am 26). He was the one who initiated to end the relationship of his last girlfriend.

I recently told him that it's over, and we can no longer see each other again (besides online communication) because it is too emotionally mind f-ing for me, plus his inability to reciprocate what I give (and want) is no longer bearable for me to handle. He wrote me with this explanation about his inability to open-up to people:

"in an lamely stereotypical way I have to admit that I have major intimacy and commitment issues. This is not just true of our friendship but of all my relationships (friend, family, and otherwise). I have always felt uncomfortable allowing myself to openup to people because to do so puts one in a position of vulnerability and I hate feeling that way."

He wrote me a very heart-felt email explaining that I have always been and will always be a special part of his life.

My guess is, he doesn't like feeling 'vulnerable' because ESFJ's like control... Amiright? I just find it crazy that an ESFJ male would not want a relationship and has had only 1 relationship his whole life... Hullo? Your dominant function is FEELING! Wtf? (He is also a bigger feeler than I am.... like, totally sensitive guy and stuff)...

Are all ESFJ males this way? I am moving on with my life, but would like to know what is up with this guy and whether his view on being anti-committed is common amongst ESFJ men. He is also an only child and an attorney, if that means anything.

ALSO: I broke it off with him in a very classy, non-fighting way. He is also the only man I've been with and the man I lost my virginity to
Do you think an ESFJ male will miss someone like me and come back in the future?

My husband is an ESFJ and I will speak on what I know from him. We have known each other as friends, best friends actually, since the age of 19 we are 32 now. I lived out of the area for a few years and we didn't keep in touch with each other the best during that time but one of our friends would tell me what was up and ask me for advise on stuff for him. He has told me that he never once forgot about me even with all the time and distance between us and was always asking our one friend how I was. In the end it took him 12 years to speak up. Anyways I saw him go through many changes in his life.

He had a few serious relationships but not that many in part because he is very loyal to who he is with. The other part of the issue is he got burned real bad by his first girlfriend and it made him gun-shy. He has a hard time expressing how he feels since its not a very "guy thing" to do and circumstances in his life just reinforced this. He had a hard time for awhile getting close to others and the main reason was trust this includes opening himself up. He tends to be mindful of what others think as well and seeks approval. Before we even started to date exclusively he had to ask his best friend if it was ok with him that we were together since his friend and I dated when we were 18. It's an interesting mix being around him because he is so very passionate and loving but he is also reserved at times and is in more a watch and wait mode.

Personally I think if you did mean a great deal to this guy he will remember you. I also think that its not so much a control/commitment issue but one of trust. To open up completely to someone you are trusting them to not hurt you and if you are guarding your emotions carefully opening up can leave you vulnerable to emotional pain which it sounds like he is trying to avoid at all costs.
Hope this helps you any.

 

[ESFJdude]

I hope I can answer your question. As an ESFJ male, I don't get in many relationships, nor do am I desperate for them. I am extremely loyal and committed in making them happy, and making the relationship work once i do get into a relationship. And I have been in a few serious relationships in my lifetime.

Committment should not be an issue for an ESFJ if they feel like they have found that one. Though if they feel like they are being smothered and lose control of their time, etc; then that's when they may have second thoughts. I dated an ENFP, though I'm sure that is different than an INFP; so I can't comment on this situation.

We we're very romantic, I mean extremely affectionate with our loved ones. We often try to cover that up by being macho or going overboard by playing lots of sports to cover that up, but we will go very far in a relationship to make one happy. :crazy:

"Do you think an ESFJ male will miss someone like me and come back in the future?"

In terms of remembering, ESFJ's live in the now and future, not really in the past. The past is the past and you have to move forward. If you broke it off, not sure why you would want him to come back to you though?

Seeking Sanity makes a good point though. If you were a friend of an ESFJ, and never burned bridges with them, then they will of course think about you. However if you however burn bridges with them like broke up with them, then of course; they are forced to move on. However, any relationship can work if there is a will on both sides. That should not be limited to personality type

 

[pinkrasputin]

I'm an INFP chic... I've had an on-and-off relationship with an ESFJ male. We met in college and we had an immediate, exhilarating connection. I have never felt such a connection / chemistry with a man in my life as this ESFJ male, and he has often told me the same thing. Unfortunately I feel like ESFJ males are very rare.

The problem is, this ESFJ male I've been with is very charming and handsome, so many many women swoon for him -- hence, lots of women (including myself) have gone "ga ga" for him, which is somewhat overwhelming for him plus it gives him many 'options'.

I am happy to know that I have been one of the few women that he has stuck with and courted around (for 5 years, actually). However, he wanted to keep our relationship casual and never wanted to step it up and get serious.

This ESFJ male has had only 1 serious girlfriend his whole life and he is 27 years old! (I am 26). He was the one who initiated to end the relationship of his last girlfriend.

I recently told him that it's over, and we can no longer see each other again (besides online communication) because it is too emotionally mind f-ing for me, plus his inability to reciprocate what I give (and want) is no longer bearable for me to handle. He wrote me with this explanation about his inability to open-up to people:

"in an lamely stereotypical way I have to admit that I have major intimacy and commitment issues. This is not just true of our friendship but of all my relationships (friend, family, and otherwise). I have always felt uncomfortable allowing myself to openup to people because to do so puts one in a position of vulnerability and I hate feeling that way."

He wrote me a very heart-felt email explaining that I have always been and will always be a special part of his life.

My guess is, he doesn't like feeling 'vulnerable' because ESFJ's like control... Amiright? I just find it crazy that an ESFJ male would not want a relationship and has had only 1 relationship his whole life... Hullo? Your dominant function is FEELING! Wtf? (He is also a bigger feeler than I am.... like, totally sensitive guy and stuff)...

Are all ESFJ males this way? I am moving on with my life, but would like to know what is up with this guy and whether his view on being anti-committed is common amongst ESFJ men. He is also an only child and an attorney, if that means anything.

ALSO: I broke it off with him in a very classy, non-fighting way. He is also the only man I've been with and the man I lost my virginity to
Do you think an ESFJ male will miss someone like me and come back in the future?

WOW. My most recent ex was an ESFJ lawyer. He was divorced 3 times before he met me. He also moved out of his girlfriend of 3 years right before he met me. It doesn't take much to know he initiated all of the break ups for very small reasons.

This man put my heart through a meat grinder and ran off due to me becoming pregnant.

I will not say this has to do with type. My mother is an ESFJ and an incredibly loyal woman. But I will say that just because your guy is ESFJ , it doesn't necessarily mean he's prone to commitment. Because obviously I have witnessed a different story.

Trust me. I don't think it will change later. But it's very possible he will do whatever it takes to win you back and then break up with you on his terms.

I think you and me need to PM. Hit me up anytime.

 

[laurenrae08]

I can relate to you 100% I am with an EST/FJ. I'd say he is half feeler half thinker. I can't tell! We've been together for two years. I don't know what to tell you, because we have our own issues as well, but what it looks like to me is that he just needs to know he can trust you. That seems to be the issue with our relationship as well. Loyalty/commitment has never been a problem for him. I'd say this guy has to get over something from the past, it seems to still affect him. Otherwise I don't know what else to tell ya, sorry.

 

[snc1878]

I am an INFP and dated an ESFJ...we connected immediately as well and have been off and on. I have a hard time keeping patience. I'm not sure if he will ever be that into me. But, I gave him space and he surprised me once again by popping up after some time to see about trying to be friends again...though since we've basically been lovers and have cared for him, not sure yet if/how that will work. I think some communication differences and misunderstandings. But, certainly, he didn't seem to want to give me that much time and ended up going out a couple times with some other girl not long after I last stayed over which sucked...but he had a bad time with her and now he is agreeing that we have fun, but I don't feel very valued. I always thought he might be skittish with intimacy. I am too. But he had a long-distance relationship, which is a sign of that. I just wanted a best friend and lover. And funny enough the two times we kind of had dating spells lasted the same amount of time with the same sort-of fall out. One or two nice dates together, then a group setting where his friends treat me better than he does, then a 4th stab where I'm a little uncomfortable at that point, then he fades.

 

[RandomName]

I hope I can answer your question. As an ESFJ male, I don't get in many relationships, nor do am I desperate for them. I am extremely loyal and committed in making them happy, and making the relationship work once i do get into a relationship. And I have been in a few serious relationships in my lifetime.

Committment should not be an issue for an ESFJ if they feel like they have found that one. Though if they feel like they are being smothered and lose control of their time, etc; then that's when they may have second thoughts. I dated an ENFP, though I'm sure that is different than an INFP; so I can't comment on this situation.

We we're very romantic, I mean extremely affectionate with our loved ones. We often try to cover that up by being macho or going overboard by playing lots of sports to cover that up, but we will go very far in a relationship to make one happy. :crazy:

"Do you think an ESFJ male will miss someone like me and come back in the future?"

In terms of remembering, ESFJ's live in the now and future, not really in the past. The past is the past and you have to move forward. If you broke it off, not sure why you would want him to come back to you though?

Seeking Sanity makes a good point though. If you were a friend of an ESFJ, and never burned bridges with them, then they will of course think about you. However if you however burn bridges with them like broke up with them, then of course; they are forced to move on. However, any relationship can work if there is a will on both sides. That should not be limited to personality type

^^ Everything above is correct

 

[RandomName]

I'm an INFP chic... I've had an on-and-off relationship with an ESFJ male. We met in college and we had an immediate, exhilarating connection. I have never felt such a connection / chemistry with a man in my life as this ESFJ male, and he has often told me the same thing. Unfortunately I feel like ESFJ males are very rare.

The problem is, this ESFJ male I've been with is very charming and handsome, so many many women swoon for him -- hence, lots of women (including myself) have gone "ga ga" for him, which is somewhat overwhelming for him plus it gives him many 'options'.

I am happy to know that I have been one of the few women that he has stuck with and courted around (for 5 years, actually). However, he wanted to keep our relationship casual and never wanted to step it up and get serious.

This ESFJ male has had only 1 serious girlfriend his whole life and he is 27 years old! (I am 26). He was the one who initiated to end the relationship of his last girlfriend.

I recently told him that it's over, and we can no longer see each other again (besides online communication) because it is too emotionally mind f-ing for me, plus his inability to reciprocate what I give (and want) is no longer bearable for me to handle. He wrote me with this explanation about his inability to open-up to people:

"in an lamely stereotypical way I have to admit that I have major intimacy and commitment issues. This is not just true of our friendship but of all my relationships (friend, family, and otherwise). I have always felt uncomfortable allowing myself to openup to people because to do so puts one in a position of vulnerability and I hate feeling that way."

He wrote me a very heart-felt email explaining that I have always been and will always be a special part of his life.

My guess is, he doesn't like feeling 'vulnerable' because ESFJ's like control... Amiright? I just find it crazy that an ESFJ male would not want a relationship and has had only 1 relationship his whole life... Hullo? Your dominant function is FEELING! Wtf? (He is also a bigger feeler than I am.... like, totally sensitive guy and stuff)...

Are all ESFJ males this way? I am moving on with my life, but would like to know what is up with this guy and whether his view on being anti-committed is common amongst ESFJ men. He is also an only child and an attorney, if that means anything.

ALSO: I broke it off with him in a very classy, non-fighting way. He is also the only man I've been with and the man I lost my virginity to
Do you think an ESFJ male will miss someone like me and come back in the future?

I have been this way before in the past..

No it is not that we like control, but throwing yourself out there completely open and being rejected hurts, giving everything you have only to have it shoved back in your face is one of the worst feelings I hope you never have to experience. He obviously has had this experience as I have but seems to be taking awhile to come through it.

He is still recovering and focusing on his failed relationship and has not/ will not move on until they either mentally accept responsibility for the failed relationship or blame the other. If he is still deciding then he is still trying to close the relationship.


Do you think an ESFJ male will miss someone like me and come back in the future?... He will more then likely punish himself, and if you ended it he will not contact you because he will respect your space. Unless he sends you an apology.

 

[pinkrasputin]

My ESFJ ex came back after 14 months. It started with text messages to me about his illnesses. I ignored them because I wasn't sure what he wanted. However, I do miss him. I just wish he would have been more direct about his intentions.

Two nights ago he started sending me flirty texts and I participated. It was a dream for me. But then he asked me to come over that night. He joked about "Friends With Benefits" and that killed it for me.

I just wrote him back explaining to him that although I would love to be with him again in that capacity, I'm sure I'd want more than that afterwards.

He got embarrassed. He said the "FWB" comment was only a joke but now he felt like a fool. He said I was a "smart woman" and he didn't mean to insult me.

I don't know the reality. I just told him I hadn't been able to move on with anyone since him and I hope I did get to see him soon. But I wouldn't go over that night.

He hasn't contacted me since. So I am guessing maybe he was really embarrassed, or I was just a booty call, or both.

 

[RandomName]

embarrassment, it seems he was trying to reconnect then he want sure of you intentions then went to hiding what he really wanted to protect himself from being vulnerable. Unless he is the type that is manipulative then stay clear.


sorry for the spelling ive been drinking tonight..

 

[MelodyGirl]

To be honest, not committing or opening up and sharing feelings and being intimate at heart doesn't sound like an ESFJ, but then again, I'm an ESFJ female. I know that would never be me.
But I agree - I doubt it's a control issue.
And personally, I never ever forget anyone I ever loved. It would eat away at me for months.

 

[Ash]

I agree with this. I am an ESFJ female as well, it seems like I can love and get attached to someone easily (provided they are decent people). Once I REALLY love you --- I DO NOT forget you either.

As feelers, some of us ESFJ's can be easily scarred and once we are hurt...we are hurt. As Sensors, we learn and thrive from past experiences. Combining these two: when are hurt -- we remember how it made us feel, and we live the new experience with the idea of what happened in the "past or previous" experience (I hope this is not confusing). Hence, some of us can close up, become private, or trust less easily (as in the case of the original male esfj mentioned).

I've had some hurt occur in familial, romantic, and friend -- relationships. While I am outgoing, open, etc -- I am private. I've actually encountered a romantic relationship with a really nice guy whom I perceive to be ESFJ. I am scared out of my mind. He is alot like me, and I fear that he is playing games, is a smooth talker, and feeler to the point where he can easliy fool and move on. It frightens me that I am so comfortable/trusting of him. Maybe ESFJ males are a no no for me. What am I saying? My apologies, I'm simply thinking/ brainstorming out loud.

I hope that contritbutes or answers at least part of your question.

 

[Steven24224]

To be honest, not committing or opening up and sharing feelings and being intimate at heart doesn't sound like an ESFJ, but then again, I'm an ESFJ female. I know that would never be me.
But I agree - I doubt it's a control issue.
And personally, I never ever forget anyone I ever loved. It would eat away at me for months.

ESFJ females are vastly diffrent then males...SO DIFFRENT!!!!!

ive personally realized esfj males really in general arnt relationship orriented people but once there in one there like mega involved and really stay committed

i personally think ESFJ males are the best of all 16 to be honest there so commited to there relationship

they sure do need alot of reasurence tho


i have a serious issue with introverts and perceivers
IP's i cant even have them as friend gosh they disgust me!

 

[MelodyGirl]

ESFJ females are vastly diffrent then males...SO DIFFRENT!!!!!

ive personally realized esfj males really in general arnt relationship orriented people but once there in one there like mega involved and really stay committed

i personally think ESFJ males are the best of all 16 to be honest there so commited to there relationship

they sure do need alot of reasurence tho


i have a serious issue with introverts and perceivers
IP's i cant even have them as friend gosh they disgust me!

Huh. Yes, we are different then. I married an INTP. I really enjoy the IPs.

 

[Thalassa]

I was in a relationship with an ESFJ male for five years and have known him for ten.

He has that sort of charm that appeals to women, like you are saying about your ESFJ. He is also a total control freak.

But my ESFJ was very nurturing, physically affectionate, would clean the house, let me sleep in, brought me glasses of water and lollypops, babied me when I was crying, bought me stuffed animals, and occasionally referred to me as his "little girl."

I don't see any reason why an ESFJ male would be much different than an ESFJ female in this regard - they like to take care of people in very concrete, hands-on ways and want to be needed. And despite the fact that I wouldn't call him overall the "nicest" person in the world, he had very strict morals about sexuality.

One of the things that kept us together is that he was so consistent in his feelings for me, and I think this is probably common in SFJs once you've "earned" their love and trust. He was pretty predictable, and I like that.

Mine had a serious anger problem though, issues carried over from childhood, and just would not stay in therapy so I couldn't deal with it. It was like living with a saint and a monster in the same person's body. I couldn't take the mind-f*#kery of it any more, I decided it wasn't healthy.

Before he was with me he had a four year relationship with another woman, and apparently had a serious gf in high school, so I don't know that he had problems with commitment. I know he did date around with different women in between those relationships, though.

However, I think mine kept himself from being vulnerable by being angry, so yeah, maybe the fear of vulnerability is common.

 

[lovinUsuju]

Im an ENFP...and my used to be close friend is an ESFJ....we also had an instant connection, but because of our age...it refrained me mostly from pursuing him...and dating him

Anyway...what happened what he actually was the one that talked to me first..sort of made something...

He would always want to talk me..txting me randomly and when i saw him..always flirting

Anyway..as my NF part started kicking in I thought we were getting pretty serious! But as a common habit of mine, I started getting jealous when one of my friends came from another country and we all started hanging out. She is an ISFJ so they are really similar! And as I got more and more jealous and we talked less and less..I decided to get things straightened out because it was bugging me a lot....we ended up decided not to talk anymore and have a sort of older bro/lil sis relationship..which u cant really go back to after having a close friendship like that...

anyways...the first month was fine, we were acting the friends still and I was happy...but the next 3 months were horrible for me...i just became depressed and was really awkward in front of him,would get super jealous if I saw him with other girls..and ugh! I was a mess....

plus he didn't help at all...just added to the awkwardness..

but one thing that made me totally just get over him was the fact that a month later he started talking to one of my friends!
therefore, i think ESFJs are fun in relationships and as being friends..but the guys have a tendency to lead their friends that are girls on...either because they want to be more than friends...but an SJ/NF relationship to me sounds like disaster...

but thats my opinion from my personal experience....

 

[SJ1974]

I'm an ESFJ male who has had an on/off relationship with an INTP and for us it was the opposite. I am totally into her and I always get the impression she's not into me. It's as if I'm always "running" after her. She has a child, not a baby but boy and he connects with me a lot too but with her she's either too busy to remember to call me back, go and hang out together (she'd rather do that with her friends unless it's a group thing, then we go). It seems to be over between us again, much to my chagrin. I'll never forget her and I can't really say anything but other than I felt like the emotional connection between us wasn't even. I wanted to marry her. Since she's asked for a break while I'm at the other end of the country, I feel like a total loser for having lost her. For me, even with some of our differences, she was the one I would have wanted to grow old with. Call me romantic, whatever. I'm drawn to this INTP woman in many ways.

So if it was me and I'd had the type of relationship SoulSauce described, there's no way I could forget about her.

 

[MelodyGirl]

I'm an ESFJ male who has had an on/off relationship with an INTP and for us it was the opposite. I am totally into her and I always get the impression she's not into me. It's as if I'm always "running" after her. She has a child, not a baby but boy and he connects with me a lot too but with her she's either too busy to remember to call me back, go and hang out together (she'd rather do that with her friends unless it's a group thing, then we go). It seems to be over between us again, much to my chagrin. I'll never forget her and I can't really say anything but other than I felt like the emotional connection between us wasn't even. I wanted to marry her. Since she's asked for a break while I'm at the other end of the country, I feel like a total loser for having lost her. For me, even with some of our differences, she was the one I would have wanted to grow old with. Call me romantic, whatever. I'm drawn to this INTP woman in many ways.

So if it was me and I'd had the type of relationship SoulSauce described, there's no way I could forget about her.

That's rough because I think most INTP's don't know how/don't see a need to express feelings back. It's hard for us ESFJ's who need to see these things. :-(

 

[SJ1974]

That's rough because I think most INTP's don't know how/don't see a need to express feelings back. It's hard for us ESFJ's who need to see these things. :-(

Unless the feelings are negative or there's conflict, then they certainly find a way to express themselves. I want to add that I'm not generalizing. My opinion is based on my experiences, not theory.

 

[pinkrasputin]

So do ESFJ men ever take ex's back? It's been 16 months since he broke up with me (the baby scare guy). I think his guilt is what killed it. Now he is flirting with me again.

Advice? Do sometimes ESFJs store their ex's in the back of their mind? For like 16 months??

Dammit. I haven't had a real relationship since him. He broke me. :sad: I think if he was ever once scared about me dating other people, he can put that to rest now. Right?

Ugh. Look how shameful I am. My last two blogs are about him http://personalitycafe.com/blogs/pinkrasputin/apologizing-adults-only-please-4972/