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Discussion Starter #1
I know one particular ESFJ who has a REALLY strong wall up. It's so concrete - you exchange hellos and then you hit it. My other NF friends have noticed it as well, and we don't understand it at all. Occasionally he'll say something or do something and you can see through the wall a little bit - but it's so strong. He doesn't react to anything.

So, ESFJ's, does this kind of wall resonate with you? Or is this just a him thing?
 

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hmmm, nobody seems to be responding. (And I feel like I posted this thread months ago....time is currently being really really strange for me.)

We've decided that the wall is a wall of self-consciousness. He seems really spacey and introverted at first, but he's a pretty high extrovert on his MBTI results. He'll go up and start lots of conversations, though. We interpret this as meaning that he WANTS to be there talking to you, and he WANTS to have that communication, but once he starts the conversation he's so worried about what he's going to say that it comes across as him not really being there.
 

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Interesting! I think you are right, we ESFJs have that dimension of big care about what others thinks about us. And if we are insecure in our selfs, I guess it will become stronger. So he is probably just worried that he's gonna make a bad impression - and therefor gives a bad impression. Poor him! :mellow:

I don't do that, I think. Of course, I can be a bit shy at first, and some people that themselves are really shy can make me even shyer... Just like outgoing people makes me outgoing, for some reason. Maybe it can work to be really relaxed and "personal" with him, so that he can feel that he doesn't have to worry? And for him self, he should work on his self esteem. :wink:
 

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Lol .. Ahhhh, the wall?????

I am a deep and caring individual and only a select few get to see it due to my wall.

I think the knocks in life haven't helped.

Will it ever go away fully? I am not sure. However, i am not stressing over it.

I can talk to anyone and love a good debate but i still have moments where i can be intimidated around people.

You can only blag it to an extent .. Otherwise i am just human.
 
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Interesting! I think you are right, we ESFJs have that dimension of big care about what others thinks about us. And if we are insecure in our selfs, I guess it will become stronger. So he is probably just worried that he's gonna make a bad impression - and therefor gives a bad impression. Poor him! :mellow:

I don't do that, I think. Of course, I can be a bit shy at first, and some people that themselves are really shy can make me even shyer... Just like outgoing people makes me outgoing, for some reason. Maybe it can work to be really relaxed and "personal" with him, so that he can feel that he doesn't have to worry? And for him self, he should work on his self esteem. :wink:
Aaaah. See, when I try to do that kind of thing - he was talking about wasting time, and I was like "OH YES. I do that! I'm trying to be more intentional about how I use my time!" - he completely closed down and didn't say a word (this was facebook chat) for 15 minutes. When he started talking again it was about something completely different. This happens every time I say anything even remotely deep. He'll have a moment of silent freaking out and then immediately (when it's in person, or after a while on fb chat) continue on to a completely different topic. And I can't be personal without being deep...that's hard for me.

I was going to send him the link for the cognitive processes, but he wasn't interested - said he understood himself just fine.

I think he's using external feeling, which he's good at, and then internal intuition, which goes alllll wrong.

It's good to know that this is partly an ESFJ thing and partly a him thing. His wall is SO STRONG. It starts when you say "hello".
 

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Weird. I guess he is afraid of letting people in. He doesn't show people his feelings much, does he? I don't know what you should do. Try to win his trust, but I don't know how really. Good luck! :happy:
 

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we can relate in ways that I don't show emotions either except I don't put a wall up. I guess it's a trust issue? Or he feels that he isn't appreciated? Either one of the two, and I'm sure it was his experience that made him the way he is now.
 

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Aaaah. See, when I try to do that kind of thing - he was talking about wasting time, and I was like "OH YES. I do that! I'm trying to be more intentional about how I use my time!" - he completely closed down and didn't say a word (this was facebook chat) for 15 minutes. When he started talking again it was about something completely different. This happens every time I say anything even remotely deep. He'll have a moment of silent freaking out and then immediately (when it's in person, or after a while on fb chat) continue on to a completely different topic. And I can't be personal without being deep...that's hard for me.

I was going to send him the link for the cognitive processes, but he wasn't interested - said he understood himself just fine.

I think he's using external feeling, which he's good at, and then internal intuition, which goes alllll wrong.

It's good to know that this is partly an ESFJ thing and partly a him thing. His wall is SO STRONG. It starts when you say "hello".
I am seeing/dating/whatever it's called someone who also is very deep person .. I feel so stupid at times, he does his abstract talking and i really don't understand .. I do try but it hurts my head .. Maybe his moment of silent freaking out is the same as mine .. ie, just trying to understand without asking politely 'what the hell you talking about?' Lol .. Noone wants to look stupid do they!
 

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I believe I provoked an ESFJ into making a wall around herself. She used to be (this specific person, NOT all ESFJs) talkative and needy. She would take everything I said personally and we conflicted all the time. I quickly tired of her and every time she made a 'step out of line' towards me, such as asking if I she could borrow my math book, whine about her day etc I would have very cold, sharp replies. The next day she was completely silent around me, like my presence makes her retreat into herself. I suppose this is an ESFJ 'wall'.
 

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I believe I provoked an ESFJ into making a wall around herself. She used to be (this specific person, NOT all ESFJs) talkative and needy. She would take everything I said personally and we conflicted all the time. I quickly tired of her and every time she made a 'step out of line' towards me, such as asking if I she could borrow my math book, whine about her day etc I would have very cold, sharp replies. The next day she was completely silent around me, like my presence makes her retreat into herself. I suppose this is an ESFJ 'wall'.
Interesting, my father is an INTJ and i used to take things personally with him especially when he was being sharp and cold, however one day we had a really good heart to heart talk and we both got things off our chest and it was such a relief. Nowadays i don't take it personally, that is just the way he is and that is absolutely fine by me, because i love spending time with him and we don't talk about emotions anymore (it was a one time thing and i am glad we had that one time), there is an understanding now between us .. But yes, i also retreat in myself moreso when under stress.

Maybe she was just being polite about borrowing your book .. That's respectful and the whining about her day .. We like to moan sometimes to release the pent up tension (that is a good thing).

Good luck with that anyway :)
 
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