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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm INTx and I have an ESFP friend. I love her to death. I'm socially inadequate. I suck at small talks and all that crap and she practically saves my life when she does it all for me. But the thing is, she's sometimes gets a little too friendly with others. Like, when we go out drinking and she just gives her numbers to guys and afterwards, she asks me WHY she gave her number. When they text her, she entertains them and when they invite her out for a coffee or for a drink, she just says yes. Our other friends think that she's being a flirt lol (being in a Catholic university, this is kind of a big deal so don't judge) but I don't think she is? From what I see, she's just being friendly and she doesn't want to come off as rude to other people but she doesn't realize that what she's doing doesn't look good to other people?

I've told her once that the others don't like what she's doing but she's just like, "There's nothing wrong with what I'm doing"

ESFPs please enlighten me.
 

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Yeah, there's no such thing as too friendly. Why does it matter if "others don't like what she's doing"?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Yeah, there's no such thing as too friendly. Why does it matter if "others don't like what she's doing"?
It's hard to explain it without sounding like a complete asshole. But this is pretty much what she thinks.
 

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@kyu

oh, I'm not ESFP but ENFP and I'm friendly and sometimes people think I'm kind of flirting too. I dont know why she should stop being friendly, I love people like this and they are hard to find!

As a Fi aux, she probably dont care what other people think and it's OK. Everybody is different, why should be all be quiet people? why cant we be extremely friendly?

Maybe as an introvert you dont see this the way I do, but I'll try to explain it! OK, (I hope you like reading) imagine you have a lot of books painted black, and you love reading and have a lot of time, you would probably open a lot them and try to read as much as you can of each book you open so you can decide which one you prefer. Extroverts do this with people, we love people and they are all painted black until we get to know them, so we start "opening" them and asking them questions about their lifes, making them feel important and being friendly so we can spend a nice time with them and finally decide which ones we prefer, and those ones will be our real friends.

Does she says something..like weird? why do people think she's flirting? maybe because she seems too interested in what the other person is saying? If you could explain that to me Ill try to help you!
 

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This is a common misperception for Esfp's. I completely understand her. And I completely agree that there's nothing wrong with what she's doing. Lord knows this world needs some more genuine friendliness. People always assume there needs to be some kind of ulterior motive but thats not always the case.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 · (Edited)
@kyu

oh, I'm not ESFP but ENFP and I'm friendly and sometimes people think I'm kind of flirting too. I dont know why she should stop being friendly, I love people like this and they are hard to find!

As a Fi aux, she probably dont care what other people think and it's OK. Everybody is different, why should be all be quiet people? why cant we be extremely friendly?

Maybe as an introvert you dont see this the way I do, but I'll try to explain it! OK, (I hope you like reading) imagine you have a lot of books painted black, and you love reading and have a lot of time, you would probably open a lot them and try to read as much as you can of each book you open so you can decide which one you prefer. Extroverts do this with people, we love people and they are all painted black until we get to know them, so we start "opening" them and asking them questions about their lifes, making them feel important and being friendly so we can spend a nice time with them and finally decide which ones we prefer, and those ones will be our real friends.

Does she says something..like weird? why do people think she's flirting? maybe because she seems too interested in what the other person is saying? If you could explain that to me Ill try to help you!
Thank you so much for this! I don't usually see her thing as flirting because I know she's just friendly like that. Tbh, we wouldn't even be friends if it wasn't for her consistent bugging me in class (since we're seatmates in all our subjects lmao) But yeah, sometimes it gets over the line like when she meets a guy, she gets all touchy. She holds their hands (interlocked fingers just like what really close friends and/or couples do), and she wraps her arms around theirs and then, rests her head on their shoulders. Those things tick my friends off. As for me, I don't really mind. She can do whatever she wants but it gets the other guys thinking that she's into them or smth but she's really not. She's just being friendly lmao. But it bugs our ISFP friend A LOT. Also, she does this too guys who are like 10 years older than her.
@TheProphetLaLa ^
But yeah, I think the society needs more honest and geniune friendliness. I'm going to sound like a shitty person, but there was a time when my ESFP friend and I got into a big fight and I swore with everything I had that she has always been out to get me but then she told me she would rather not talk to me if it will make me learn my lesson and make me a better person. She was doing it for my own good.
 

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Thank you so much for this! I don't usually see her thing as flirting because I know she's just friendly like that. Tbh, we wouldn't even be friends if it wasn't for her consistent bugging me in class (since we're seatmates in all our subjects lmao) But yeah, sometimes it gets over the line like when she meets a guy, she gets all touchy. She holds their hands (interlocked fingers just like what really close friends and/or couples do), and she wraps her arms around theirs and then, rests her head on their shoulders. Those things tick my friends off. As for me, I don't really mind. She can do whatever she wants but it gets the other guys thinking that she's into them or smth but she's really not. She's just being friendly lmao. But it bugs our ISFP friend A LOT. Also, she does this too guys who are like 10 years older than her.
@TheProphetLaLa ^
But yeah, I think the society needs more honest and geniune friendliness. I'm going to sound like a shitty person, but there was a time when my ESFP friend and I got into a big fight and I swore with everything I had that she has always been out to get me but then she told me she would rather not talk to me if it will make me learn my lesson and make me a better person. She was doing it for my own good.
Your friend genuinely sounds like a nice person. And I relate. I am a touchy feely person, I cannot help but make physical contact. And all of my introvert friends always ask me why am I so friendly with people, and get a shock every time I get real comfortable with someone I just met/stranger or a friend they introduced me to. I would say FlightlessBird wrote a real example of how we view people. But I like to think of people as onions. Just layers and layers of masks I just want to peel to find out what's in there.
 

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My lady (ESFP) and I sound a lot like your friend and you :) There is a difference though, let me see if I can explain it briefly:
if your friend is "A", and the person she gave her number to and goes out for coffee with is "B"... then I read what you said about it "not looking good to other people" and it sounds like you're talking about a third group, group "C", who are maybe other people you are in school with, or maybe even C is just your understanding of what her actions look like to anyone other than your friend.

I don't really even disagree with you, but for GF and I, the friction is more likely to come from person B and what things "look like" to him. It's especially interesting for us because she works in food service, so hospitality and being friendly is a big part of her being awesome at her job. But the fact remains... it's all good to say "who cares what anyone else thinks" and that there's "nothing wrong" with acting any type of way with guys she meets. She HAS said those things, and she isn't even wrong :) the struggle, I think, comes when your friend/my girl get frustrated and confused that person B ends up thinking these seemingly random, crazy things about how the ESFP is actually feeling.

Personally, if I met a girl while out drinking, she gave me her number, AND agreed to a followup date... I would be shocked and maybe somewhat hurt/confused to find out she had no feelings for me at all. It isn't that it's wrong to give out numbers or meet up with guys... but if most people will think those things indicate feelings of attraction and romantic interest, then it might make sense to choose how to act based on the message it's likely to send.

The turning point in my case was when I was feeling frustrated one day because she'd wound up asking an ex for a ride home from a bar (so as not to drive drunk, which I think is a great decision), and ended up AT their house, going inside to drink even more with this ex, and then was surprised and confused that the ex asked her to stay the night, saying that "Daniel doesn't even have to know, it's not a big deal." I was gone on a military trip at the time, btw.

My turning point was that I had been focusing on how betrayed and disrespected I felt, and I kept dwelling on how (apparently) easy it should have been to know this person was interested in being more than friends still... that they wanted more from her than she was going to give. And none of those things I was thinking are necessarily incorrect, but I was missing the opportunity to be supportive and appreciate that (God help her lol) she genuinely did NOT mean to send any messages or excite any feelings by calling the ex up for a favor or getting still more drunk with them alone in their house. It baffles me how that situation could seem innocent in the first place, but it truly did, and consequently she'd lost and somewhat hurt a person she still cares about and was hoping to be friends with one day after they had healed enough.

I still feel it was more or less clear from the beginning that doing those things was a poor decision. But that's because I assumed the negative, whereas she assumed the positive, and extended the benefit of the doubt. It's just a difference between us, and it's a really beautiful quality for her to be the way she is. And the happy consequence of changing my own approach to be more supportive and appreciative is that she also has decided to cater to my feelings, and ask ahead of time whether doing/saying certain things seems risky or wishy-washy to ME before she decides what to do.

At the end of the day I think it matters a lot more what your friend is REALLY like... and if other people (in the B or the C groups) interpret your friend's personality and decisions in a negative light, then maybe it can be a special place for YOU to take in her life... of recognizing things that maybe she would overlook, BUT also validating what you know of her values and genuine desire to be nice to people. You ladies are different enough that if you can see past the differences, I think there is a lot you can both offer each other.
 

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We live in a society where friendliness is confused for flirtation. What does that say?
That shit is cray? I think if you really looked into it there are distinctions to our friendliness and flirting. It just works in our favor that most people take it as flirting. I also think most of the time we haven't decided whether we're flirting or being friendly either. It's no harm done to us at the end of the day because we're confusing like that.
 

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Your friend genuinely sounds like a nice person. And I relate. I am a touchy feely person, I cannot help but make physical contact. And all of my introvert friends always ask me why am I so friendly with people, and get a shock every time I get real comfortable with someone I just met/stranger or a friend they introduced me to. I would say FlightlessBird wrote a real example of how we view people. But I like to think of people as onions. Just layers and layers of masks I just want to peel to find out what's in there.
Agreed- she's not trying to lead anyone on, she's just being nice. I'll hug or poke or even throw my arm/leg on top of people I've just met if I feel comfortable with them. I've learned that people often categorize this as flirting, but in my mind, I'm not doing anything wrong, so I usually just do it anyway. Which does sometimes get me in trouble when people mistake it for something more. On the bright side, usually the people I take an immediate liking to are INTs who wouldn't think I was interested in them if I stuck a heart on a baseball bat and hit them with it, so it's mostly people around us who think I'm flirting.

It's sad that society always thinks people are flirting when they're just being friendly. Apparently so many people are cold and uncaring that everyone's just gotten used to that as the norm. :rolleyes:
 
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