I was just talking to someone about this yesterday... I have such wild mood swings. I'm at work right now so short responce but i have more to say <3

I like your poem btw... it makes me shiver because thats exactly how it is for me, cept for the beauty part =P


*edit*

I often wonder if this is just a thing about our type? Or if this only happens to those of us who go through some kind of trauma. There are days where I feel so happy to be alive and having fun, but then there are days where I'm so depressed that I want to be alone... because I don't want people to see me so depressed, and I can't stand faking anymore smiles.

I understand that feeling. I'm so used to expressing excitment or happieness. I do get introverted when I'm sad or have been hurt or injured. I don't want anyone to see me.Especially when I was young. OHH I was the queen at pretending like everything was ok.
Now that I am older .....I still carry tht habit but I try look for outlets. Usually a friend.
I have to say NO One person knows me 100%. I am unable of disclosing myself fully to one person.
I have had childhood trauma, so that maybe why I'm unbalanced and go thur emotional highs and lows and never let anyone in all the way.(WOW, 1st time I say that another person!)
I really have never been able to pin point it.
I usually go thur my downs alone though. I don't want people to see them or I want them to figure it out with out me telling them.(I think)
Anyway..Sorry for ranting.....I think it's a bit of both. Nature and Nurture.

talon235 said:

I was just talking to someone about this yesterday... I have such wild mood swings. I'm at work right now so short responce but i have more to say <3

I like your poem btw... it makes me shiver because thats exactly how it is for me, cept for the beauty part =P


*edit*

I often wonder if this is just a thing about our type? Or if this only happens to those of us who go through some kind of trauma. There are days where I feel so happy to be alive and having fun, but then there are days where I'm so depressed that I want to be alone... because I don't want people to see me so depressed, and I can't stand faking anymore smiles.

Click to expand...

I wan't you to rant all you want... seriously I wish the ESFP forum was more active so that maybe we could all understand ourselves better. I'm glad you came along because for awhile I was just ranting to an empty forum. Having others like me here helps me understand that I'm not crazy and it makes me feel better. It still feels pretty empty in here and I think its because its hard for us to talk about the negative.. even I start to feel like I'm talking too much and want to shy away from a thread.

sumaya3357 said:

I understand that feeling. I'm so used to expressing excitment or happieness. I do get introverted when I'm sad or have been hurt or injured. I don't want anyone to see me.Especially when I was young. OHH I was the queen at pretending like everything was ok.
Now that I am older .....I still carry tht habit but I try look for outlets. Usually a friend.
I have to say NO One person knows me 100%. I am unable of disclosing myself fully to one person.
I have had childhood trauma, so that maybe why I'm unbalanced and go thur emotional highs and lows and never let anyone in all the way.(WOW, 1st time I say that another person!)
I really have never been able to pin point it.
I usually go thur my downs alone though. I don't want people to see them or I want them to figure it out with out me telling them.(I think)
Anyway..Sorry for ranting.....I think it's a bit of both. Nature and Nurture.

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Aww Talon you are such a sweetie...Thank you for listening to rant. You are my favorite person on here.
I will try to stay active. I get a little busy with work,school and family. I have to TRY to prioritize.

It does really help to know that there are other people like us. Typing has helped me understand myself quite a bit. When I first took the test I felt like it was wrong. I have taken it about 6 times and my type is always the same.
I have finally accepted that I'm a ESFP.I thought I was smarter and more unique than an Esfp.I enjoy school, having deep conversations about anything and everything.
I do love people,though. I have a range of friends from hood girls I grew up with to MBA's and business owners. I can relate to almost anyone.

I have come to embrace my talents. Not everyone can do what we do.

talon235 said:

I wan't you to rant all you want... seriously I wish the ESFP forum was more active so that maybe we could all understand ourselves better. I'm glad you came along because for awhile I was just ranting to an empty forum. Having others like me here helps me understand that I'm not crazy and it makes me feel better. It still feels pretty empty in here and I think its because its hard for us to talk about the negative.. even I start to feel like I'm talking too much and want to shy away from a thread.

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Its a stereotype to think that esfp's aren't smart or into deep conversation. Its like saying all INTJ's are cold hearted. Type theory suggest that everyone can use and develop all functions of the brain. So if you think you are smart, love school, and love deep conversations, then you are smart and do love those things. The descriptions alone are just generalized personalities that the majority can relate. Its just one aspect of what a person could be. Type doesn't dictate how smart someone is, so don't think that you aren't unique, or special, because you are. Fuck what others say about the type, how can they understand?

Btw have you gotten into the cognitive function aspect of personalty typing yet? Se Fi Te Ni. and what that means for our type? Also don't worry about being too active, I sometimes get real distracted and don't post anything here because of life too. We gotta do what we gotta do

No, I haven't. I've seen it typed out, but don't understand what it means. Could you please elaborate on the meaning for our type thank you

hmmm, I've actually been thinking about writing a guide for the ESFP's section about the functions and what they mean for our type. I think it would be helpful for our part of the forum. It would take me some time though. I've been wanting to do it for awhile, its just I keep putting it off. When I learned about the cognitive functions it helped me understand so much more about myself and others, but it was pretty tough to try to grasp at first. I think a guide written by an ESFP for ESFP's may help more of us reach a better understanding of all the types.

Sumaya3357
You said some insightful things about your personality type in a previous post. You mentioned how no one knows you 100% and how you are unable to disclose yourself to people. Well, I have this ESFP friend who has always asked me millions of questions most of which granted are not that personal but nevertheless, as soon as I start to ask her questions she is evasive and even starts distancing herself. I can clearly tell that she hides parts of herself but I innocently draw attention to something about herself because it is so obvious to me and she nearly flips out. Then she throws temper tantrum from my perspective and I said you don't have any problem asking me a ton of stuff but soon as I ask you something you act like I'm doing something wrong. All she says is I don't ask you a lot of questions anymore. Lol. So, in my mind, I'm like I guess you stopped today then when I started asking you! Any thoughts all you ESFPs.

LOL.. A guide written by an ESFP for ESFP's sounds awsome.

talon235 said:

hmmm, I've actually been thinking about writing a guide for the ESFP's section about the functions and what they mean for our type. I think it would be helpful for our part of the forum. It would take me some time though. I've been wanting to do it for awhile, its just I keep putting it off. When I learned about the cognitive functions it helped me understand so much more about myself and others, but it was pretty tough to try to grasp at first. I think a guide written by an ESFP for ESFP's may help more of us reach a better understanding of all the types.

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Hi
It's sounds to me like your friend may be afraid you might be critical of her responses. That is the only reason I can see why she would flip out.
She also prob doesn't realize she asks you a million questions. She had genuine interest in knowing who you are or learning from you.
Tell her you would like to know her too, as long as you are not critical of her she may open up.

ImThinking said:

Sumaya3357
You said some insightful things about your personality type in a previous post. You mentioned how no one knows you 100% and how you are unable to disclose yourself to people. Well, I have this ESFP friend who has always asked me millions of questions most of which granted are not that personal but nevertheless, as soon as I start to ask her questions she is evasive and even starts distancing herself. I can clearly tell that she hides parts of herself but I innocently draw attention to something about herself because it is so obvious to me and she nearly flips out. Then she throws temper tantrum from my perspective and I said you don't have any problem asking me a ton of stuff but soon as I ask you something you act like I'm doing something wrong. All she says is I don't ask you a lot of questions anymore. Lol. So, in my mind, I'm like I guess you stopped today then when I started asking you! Any thoughts all you ESFPs.

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Hi, thanks for that advice. :happy: So, is there a way that will come across less critical? I think the mere fact that I ask questions from my head, hope you know what I mean, will cause her to perceive it as me being critical. Also, I think if it is something that she is not secure about, even though I have no earthly idea what she is and isn't secure about nor do I think does she sometimes, she will perceive it as me being critical. Also :laughing:, how could she not know she was asking me a million questions? :crazy:

sumaya3357 said:

Hi
It's sounds to me like your friend may be afraid you might be critical of her responses. That is the only reason I can see why she would flip out.
She also prob doesn't realize she asks you a million questions. She had genuine interest in knowing who you are or learning from you.
Tell her you would like to know her too, as long as you are not critical of her she may open up.

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I'm really glad to see a thread like this here. I've been lurking over here every now and then in an effort to try to understand you guys better, but it's usually pretty slow over here.

I have to say that what you two have been describing about your darker side really jives with what I've observed in my ESFP husband. He loves to ask me questions, but he has a really hard time talking about himself, especially anything negative. Only time he's ever really expressed his negative thoughts in a meaningful way was when he was practically having a nervous breakdown.

What can I do to help him talk about these things? Do you guys find it helps you to talk about your negative emotions, or do you feel better when you keep it away from people?

Hi Soul Searcher
First I have to say I got super excited to see you are and INFJ. I have a relationship with one, but before I go on a rant lets talk about what you asked.

I still sometimes have a really hard time expressing my negative thoughts or feelings in a meaningful way. Especially when it comes to the oppsite sex. OMG, I really struggle with that.I usually express my fustration or sadness once I am already angry or upset, but I'm a woman.

When I was married I found it very difficult to express myself to my husband about things that I felt might make him view me in a different light too.Which is weird because I think he was an ESxP.

I have only recently in the last few years learned that talking about my problems and issues makes me feel better, But that took alot of practice. I don't do it with just anyone. I have to feel like the person I'm telling will be empathetic and genuine when they give me a response or advice.
Keeping in my feelings now makes me feel like I'm choking myself. I always feel so much better when I express myself in some way. Even if its to a stranger.:sad:

I think if you want to help him. You might want to reassure him you are not going to judge him. I think if he is aware of this he will open up to you. After all you are his wife, he loves you and I'm sure he wants to.

Now, I have an Issue with and INFJ I've been dating for a year now. Plain and simple He is driving me nuts. He has started making me feel emotionally drained. I have let him go but he won't let go of me.
I'm at the point where I can keep him in my life casually, but not as a serious relationship anymore.
We have alot of issues in between us.
We are in different places in our lives and don't think we can go any further.
He is super intelligent, but wants to continue a relationship that I think will never work.
We have gotten in to some pretty bad arguments. To the point where he became verbaly abusive.
I feel sometimes he uses my need for attention against me.
(As I'm writning this too you I'm thinking what am I doing allowing him back argghh)
Ohh, yeah because most of the time I can talk to him for hours. Most of the time its me doing the talking.
He encourages me to do more, be better and succeed.
He balances me by trying to organize me.
I admire is intelligence. ( He is really smart)
He really tries to take care of me when I'm at my worse.
I used to to LOVE him before we started fighting.
But I'm Not anymore and I don't know if I want him Im my life anymore:crying:
Maybe I just don't understand what he wants from me and or I can't meet his needs.
We'll if you can make any sense of my rant I would love to hear what you think

soul searcher said:

I'm really glad to see a thread like this here. I've been lurking over here every now and then in an effort to try to understand you guys better, but it's usually pretty slow over here.

I have to say that what you two have been describing about your darker side really jives with what I've observed in my ESFP husband. He loves to ask me questions, but he has a really hard time talking about himself, especially anything negative. Only time he's ever really expressed his negative thoughts in a meaningful way was when he was practically having a nervous breakdown.

What can I do to help him talk about these things? Do you guys find it helps you to talk about your negative emotions, or do you feel better when you keep it away from people?

Click to expand...

Thank you for your advice!

INFJ and ESFP are very, very different. Friendships are usually great, but romantic relationships can get very difficult. One thing we have in common is that we both care very much for people, and this helps.

Okay, this is really important, either you will have to resolve your issues with him and try to reignite your original feelings for him, or you will have to cut him off and not talk to him at all. INFJ's have an extremely difficult time just being friends with someone they've had a relationship with, especially if they are still in love, as it seems he must be. If it's really over, you will be doing him a kindness by giving him closure and the space to get over you. I've been in his shoes before, and it never helps me to have to see or talk to the person I'm trying to get over. I need complete closure.

Most INFJ need to feel understood on a deep level. They want to be able to talk about how they feel about you, what they think about themselves, the world, everything. And being introverts, they periodically need space to recharge. They want to feel valued for who they are. They don't want anyone to try to change them or make them feel bad for things that are really an inherent part of themselves such as their introvertedness, their intelligence, their sometimes lower energy level, their interests (which are usually more like passions). This is probably the most important thing, acceptance and even admiration. We usually just adore our love interests, and we want the same in return. Lots of eye contact is good. Lots of laughter, which is usually never a problem with ESFPs anyway, we all love to laugh.

What are some of the things that anger your INFJ ex? What usually happens just before he loses his temper? If he's been abusive, it could be that he's come from a difficult background and is not very emotionally healthy.

Now, I have an Issue with and INFJ I've been dating for a year now. Plain and simple He is driving me nuts. He has started making me feel emotionally drained. I have let him go but he won't let go of me.
I'm at the point where I can keep him in my life casually, but not as a serious relationship anymore.
We have alot of issues in between us.
We are in different places in our lives and don't think we can go any further.
He is super intelligent, but wants to continue a relationship that I think will never work.
We have gotten in to some pretty bad arguments. To the point where he became verbaly abusive.
I feel sometimes he uses my need for attention against me.
(As I'm writning this too you I'm thinking what am I doing allowing him back argghh)
Ohh, yeah because most of the time I can talk to him for hours. Most of the time its me doing the talking.
He encourages me to do more, be better and succeed.
He balances me by trying to organize me.
I admire is intelligence. ( He is really smart)
He really tries to take care of me when I'm at my worse.
I used to to LOVE him before we started fighting.
But I'm Not anymore and I don't know if I want him Im my life anymore
Maybe I just don't understand what he wants from me and or I can't meet his needs.
We'll if you can make any sense of my rant I would love to hear what you think

Click to expand...

Yeah talking about it helps. I use to keep pretty much everything to myself. Its just something about needing to appear like things aren't as bad as they are. I learned to open up to some of my close friends, but just like suyama, I can't seem to disclose 100% of myself to anyone. Sometimes even my deepest and closest friends still notice me shutting them out. It's not that I don't want to talk about it though, its just a lot of the time I feel as though I'm just burdening them, or I don't think they will understand.

Right now I have a friend I've known since I was 12 asking me why I don't talk to her anymore about whats going on in my life. Well in this case its because she likes to be very judgmental about the things I tell her, but all I want is for her to listen to me without telling me how I should feel or what I should do. Often times I already know how I feel about something, and what I know what I'm going to do, I just want to let her know because.... she wants me to and I know she cares... but it makes me uneasy when she starts to suggest things for me to do or it even makes me mad when she tries to joke around when I'm trying to be serious. I know she just wants to cheer me up, but the way I see it, if she is just going to try to cheer me up, then I might as well not have told her in the first place. I could just act as though nothings bothering me in the first place because thats what I do all the time anyways.

soul searcher said:

I'm really glad to see a thread like this here. I've been lurking over here every now and then in an effort to try to understand you guys better, but it's usually pretty slow over here.

I have to say that what you two have been describing about your darker side really jives with what I've observed in my ESFP husband. He loves to ask me questions, but he has a really hard time talking about himself, especially anything negative. Only time he's ever really expressed his negative thoughts in a meaningful way was when he was practically having a nervous breakdown.

What can I do to help him talk about these things? Do you guys find it helps you to talk about your negative emotions, or do you feel better when you keep it away from people?

Click to expand...

So is there anything someone can do to make you feel safe opening up?

talon235 said:

Yeah talking about it helps. I use to keep pretty much everything to myself. Its just something about needing to appear like things aren't as bad as they are. I learned to open up to some of my close friends, but just like suyama, I can't seem to disclose 100% of myself to anyone. Sometimes even my deepest and closest friends still notice me shutting them out. It's not that I don't want to talk about it though, its just a lot of the time I feel as though I'm just burdening them, or I don't think they will understand.

Right now I have a friend I've known since I was 12 asking me why I don't talk to her anymore about whats going on in my life. Well in this case its because she likes to be very judgmental about the things I tell her, but all I want is for her to listen to me without telling me how I should feel or what I should do. Often times I already know how I feel about something, and what I know what I'm going to do, I just want to let her know because.... she wants me to and I know she cares... but it makes me uneasy when she starts to suggest things for me to do or it even makes me mad when she tries to joke around when I'm trying to be serious. I know she just wants to cheer me up, but the way I see it, if she is just going to try to cheer me up, then I might as well not have told her in the first place. I could just act as though nothings bothering me in the first place because thats what I do all the time anyways.

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I mean, I guess it depends... what exactly do you want your husband to even open up about. It's pretty hard to open up to someone I don't think would understand. More than anything I just want someone to understand me but I can't figure out how to make her understand . I've been closing up to this particular friend for about a month now. She asks all the time though, about why I don't talk to her about whats on my mind. I usually give an excuse answer or just change the subject when she asks me that, but honestly every time she asks me that, I'm also asking why I can't express myself to her. She just now asked me again while we were talking "Why don't you tell me things anymore... like you use too?". So I told her what I said above about how I felt. That worked pretty well to get her to see my side of things sort of.. she apologized a lot and said that she was very sad that she made me feel that way. I mean it makes me feel a little better, but I didn't really want to make her sad either.

I guess I don't really have any answers for you. lol. I'm trying to think about what it could be that you want your husband to talk about, but that requires more intuition than I can summon.. Sometimes its okay to leave me alone for a little while so I can think about how I feel too before coming and asking to talk about the issue.

soul searcher said:

So is there anything someone can do to make you feel safe opening up?

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Why do I always get to these threads after people have already started replying a lot? Boooo! :crying:

Anyways, Sumaya... I liked the poem, and I can definitely relate. The part where you began talking about how you thought you were smarter and more unique than ESFP's, I can definitely relate to that as well - that's why I was always so hesitant (and still am) about possibly being an ESFP, because I just don't seem as 'dumb' and 'crazy' as those profiles make them out to be.

But yeah. I can definitely relate. I have a 'dark' side to me as well. I love people, and I love being around people.... but I do get in these 'down' moods that I just want to be left alone - not because I need to sit around and think or anything, but because I have learned how I am over the years... and I don't want people to see me when I'm down, begin questioning me, and then me eventually blowing up and making a fool of myself. I don't want to have a negative mark put on me.... so I avoid people when I'm feeling really down, stressed, angry, etc. Also, depression and bipolar run in my family, so I think those may add to my problems sometimes?

When I was younger I actually liked to talk about my feelings and stuff.... but then the same thing kept happening over and over again... my grandmother (who was my mother figure) would be very judgmental of me and the things I told her. Seriously. I couldn't tell her anything without her questioning me, throwing a temper tantrum, criticizing me, or whatever.... so I just stopped.



Soul Searcher..... I definitely prefer opening up and talking things out, even my negative emotions. But I have gotten sooo many negative remarks and have been criticized soo much over the years when I open up 'negatively' so I've pretty much just given up on it. There are a few people who I know won't criticize me, but at the same time I hate going to the same people all the time.... I don't want them to think I'm always messed up and depressed or something, ya know? :crazy: Soooo yeah, PerC is good for venting a bit...

I totally get it about not wanting to be criticized for your negativity. I'm not a happy go lucky person, and I have been criticized a lot for what I think and say. It can really make you think twice about talking. That's why my marriage has been so difficult. Hubby is ESFP, and he seems to expect everyone to be sunshine all the time like him (even though he's got his dark side). So when I express negativity to get it off my chest, he just poo poos it or tries to offer some inane solution. Arrggh!! I just wish he would realize that unloading is not all bad, and that it could benefit him too. We've had such a difficult time, though, that I'm not sure if we would ever trust me that much. Even before our difficulties, he didn't trust me. So probably not.