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Discussion Starter #1
I (ISTJ female) dated an ESFP male. We are often listed as perfect match but there is a problem we can never get passed.

When we argue or have a disagreement, he will not want to talk about it and expect us to 'move on'. I am unable to move on without communicating the problem and resolving the issue, he will get even more annoyed and threaten to break up.

How do you deal with ESFP who wants to avoid conflict?
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Thanks for the replies.

@anaraqueen I feel this way too. I read 2 of the weaknesses of ESFP are taking criticisms personally and avoiding conflict and I feel they go hand in hand with how he reacts.

@angelfish Yes, I've tried to talk to him multiple times but it's always the same response , "we're both adults so let's just move on and get on with things" :ssad: No chance I'd get an apology for whatever he did to make me upset either.
 

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Yes, I've tried to talk to him multiple times but it's always the same response , "we're both adults so let's just move on and get on with things" :ssad: No chance I'd get an apology for whatever he did to make me upset either.
I'm sorry to hear that. I suppose it's time to talk to him about relationship goals and expectations. Can't really have a relationship if one person is never willing to talk about challenges and miscommunications.
 

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@wherearethegoodusernames - Without going into too much detail, what's the problem that the both of you can't get past? If it's just one problem, then the both of you could probably work through it.
 

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Thanks for the replies.

@anaraqueen I feel this way too. I read 2 of the weaknesses of ESFP are taking criticisms personally and avoiding conflict and I feel they go hand in hand with how he reacts.

@angelfish Yes, I've tried to talk to him multiple times but it's always the same response , "we're both adults so let's just move on and get on with things" :ssad: No chance I'd get an apology for whatever he did to make me upset either.

Lol ESFPs are prideful people. Making them apologise is pretty much a good way to lose them from your life forever.
I used to be quite close to an ESFP for 5 years. Whenever we had any fights, it's always me who apologized. I think the ESFP had apologized only once, but the rest of the time, it's me who apologized.

I finally got sick and tired of apologizing all the time, and this is how our friendship ended.
It's been 9 years of waiting now and an apology is yet to come from them. -.-
 

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Lol ESFPs are prideful people. Making them apologise is pretty much a good way to lose them from your life forever.
That's not really true at all. An ESFP will apologize for a "problem" if one feels like one genuinely did something wrong. If the ESFP believes there was no problem or doesn't believe it was the ESFP's fault, then the ESFP or pretty much anyone with any sort of sense of self and will, won't give a false apology.

So the OP's problem isn't really type related. It's a specific issue. However, if it's repeated specific issues, then that would be a long term relationship problem.
 

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Discussion Starter #9 (Edited)
@Scoobyscoob @Schizoid I agree, my ESFP will only apologise if he genuinely feels he is at fault which is rare. But surely when you are in a relationship, even if you feel you did nothing wrong but the other half is upset, you will try and understand why they are upset and comfort them. If I voice that I'm upset, he will take it all so personally and get butt hurt and sometimes I end up apologising to him.

The main issues are his failure to comfort me and lack of security - when we argue, he would threaten to break up, pull out of buying a house together and ask for the ring back. If I tell him I'm upset, he will say I cause him to react the way he does. Admittedly, I can be quite blunt and straightforward, he's quite sensitive and will often latch onto words I say, he overreacts and will bring it up time and time again after, even after I try to explain that is not what I meant :grief::crushed: Ultimately, I believe it's the communication and his refusal to solve problems.
 

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@Scoobyscoob @Schizoid I agree, my ESFP will only apologise if he genuinely feels he is at fault which is rare. But surely when you are in a relationship, even if you feel you did nothing wrong but the other half is upset, you will try and understand why they are upset and comfort them. If I voice that I'm upset, he will take it all so personally and get butt hurt and sometimes I end up apologising to him.

The main issues are his failure to comfort me and lack of security - when we argue, he would threaten to break up, pull out of buying a house together and ask for the ring back. If I tell him I'm upset, he will say I cause him to react the way he does. Admittedly, I can be quite blunt and straightforward, he's quite sensitive and will often latch onto words I say, he overreacts and will bring it up time and time again after, even after I try to explain that is not what I meant :grief::crushed: Ultimately, I believe it's the communication and his refusal to solve problems.
I wonder if this has more to do with attachment style than mbti type. He sounds like he has a dismissive avoidant attachment style, and you sound like you have an anxious preoccupied attachment style.

I think the best way to resolve those communication issues with him is to communicate with him the same way a secure attachment style type would. A person with secure attachment style would use 8 different steps when apologizing to someone: They would first express remorse, and then they would accept responsibility, and then they would attempt to repair the damage, and then they would offer an explanation that does not deflect responsibility, and then they would promise to behave better in the future, and then they would acknowledge the harm that was done, and then they would admit wrongdoing, and then they would ask for forgiveness.
So instead of asking for apology from him and asking him to meet your needs, how about using these 8 steps above whenever you guys are arguing? I heard that people with secure attachment style are the most compatible with people who have dismissive avoidant attachment style, so if you want to get along with him, you will have to adopt a secure attachment style approach with him and communicate with him the same way a secure attachment style type would.

This article might be able to help you out:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/sg/blog/the-freedom-change/201908/when-and-how-apologize-attachment-theory-perspective

People with dismissive avoidant style tends to hate hearing people talk about feelings.
So instead of voicing that you are upset and trying to resolve the issue, how about you changed your approach and tell him exactly what you need from him?
A person with secure attachment style would say something like, "I feel happy whenever you do XYZ for me, and I hope you can do XYZ for me. I like it whenever you comfort me, will you be able to help comfort me?"
And when the person with avoidant attachment style hear this coming from the secure attachment style person, they would also attempt to meet the secure attachment style person's needs.

So this is how people with secure attachment style would communicate with people with dismissive avoidant attachment style, and you should adopt this approach if you wished to have better communication with him.

As someone with anxious preoccupied attachment style, I used to make the same mistakes that you did, until I read up more about attachment theory, and then I started deliberately using secure attachment style approach in the way I communicate with people who have avoidant attachment style, and this is how I managed to stop running into these kind of communication issues with them.
 

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@Scoobyscoob @Schizoid I agree, my ESFP will only apologise if he genuinely feels he is at fault which is rare. But surely when you are in a relationship, even if you feel you did nothing wrong but the other half is upset, you will try and understand why they are upset and comfort them. If I voice that I'm upset, he will take it all so personally and get butt hurt and sometimes I end up apologising to him.

The main issues are his failure to comfort me and lack of security - when we argue, he would threaten to break up, pull out of buying a house together and ask for the ring back. If I tell him I'm upset, he will say I cause him to react the way he does. Admittedly, I can be quite blunt and straightforward, he's quite sensitive and will often latch onto words I say, he overreacts and will bring it up time and time again after, even after I try to explain that is not what I meant :grief::crushed: Ultimately, I believe it's the communication and his refusal to solve problems.
So do you think saying that he gets "butt hurt" or that "the main issues are his failure" is a good way to talk about your partner? Hearing that kind of language at work is one thing, hearing it from the person you're supposed to care about is going to be upsetting, if not downright angering if the language is bad enough.

Don't talk to him like he's a co-worker, talk to him like he's the person you're going to settle down with and start a life with. :p
 

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I wonder if this has more to do with attachment style than mbti type. He sounds like he has a dismissive avoidant attachment style, and you sound like you have an anxious preoccupied attachment style.

I think the best way to resolve those communication issues with him is to communicate with him the same way a secure attachment style type would. A person with secure attachment style would use 8 different steps when apologizing to someone: They would first express remorse, and then they would accept responsibility, and then they would attempt to repair the damage, and then they would offer an explanation that does not deflect responsibility, and then they would promise to behave better in the future, and then they would acknowledge the harm that was done, and then they would admit wrongdoing, and then they would ask for forgiveness.
So instead of asking for apology from him and asking him to meet your needs, how about using these 8 steps above whenever you guys are arguing? I heard that people with secure attachment style are the most compatible with people who have dismissive avoidant attachment style, so if you want to get along with him, you will have to adopt a secure attachment style approach with him and communicate with him the same way a secure attachment style type would.

This article might be able to help you out:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/sg/blog/the-freedom-change/201908/when-and-how-apologize-attachment-theory-perspective

People with dismissive avoidant style tends to hate hearing people talk about feelings.
So instead of voicing that you are upset and trying to resolve the issue, how about you changed your approach and tell him exactly what you need from him?
A person with secure attachment style would say something like, "I feel happy whenever you do XYZ for me, and I hope you can do XYZ for me. I like it whenever you comfort me, will you be able to help comfort me?"
And when the person with avoidant attachment style hear this coming from the secure attachment style person, they would also attempt to meet the secure attachment style person's needs.

So this is how people with secure attachment style would communicate with people with dismissive avoidant attachment style, and you should adopt this approach if you wished to have better communication with him.

As someone with anxious preoccupied attachment style, I used to make the same mistakes that you did, until I read up more about attachment theory, and then I started deliberately using secure attachment style approach in the way I communicate with people who have avoidant attachment style, and this is how I managed to stop running into these kind of communication issues with them.
Psst, I'm pretty sure it's the name calling that's the problem. :wink:
 

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The main issues are his failure to comfort me and lack of security - when we argue, he would threaten to break up, pull out of buying a house together and ask for the ring back. If I tell him I'm upset, he will say I cause him to react the way he does. Admittedly, I can be quite blunt and straightforward, he's quite sensitive and will often latch onto words I say, he overreacts and will bring it up time and time again after, even after I try to explain that is not what I meant :grief::crushed: Ultimately, I believe it's the communication and his refusal to solve problems.
Yikes, neither of you sound like you've got communication with each other, (one of the most important things) down packed, and you're getting married to each other already? :S I know that comes across harsh but...c'mon.

It's very immature and unstable of him to use the ring and commitment as a tool for control. There are a lot of red flags here. You might want to reflect on your own self and ask why you allow this and want to be with someone who treats you that way and makes you feel unheard in your feelings. Do you see a bright future developing from how it functions now?
 
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