[Dilldough]

Okay, I'm in a situation right now that makes me quite sad/depressed whenever I think too hard about it. My dad is an ENTJ (pretty sure of it; made him take the test) and I'm guessing my mom is an ISFP. I'm an ESFP and my best guess for my brother is an ISTJ.

So... you might be wondering, what's the problem? Well, the beginning of high school (I'm a junior now), possibly even a little earlier, me and my brother got in one of those normal sibling fights where we would ignore each other for a few days. However, this situation turned to the worse. I don’t recall exactly what happened but a few days of not talking became a few weeks, months, years, and here I am now. We live in the same house hold, and we don’t even say a single word. At first, I didn’t really care because I enjoyed the freedom of him not talking or telling me to do things. But as time passed by, I start to think about how we’re brothers and we don’t even talk. When I think about it hard enough, it gets to me and it makes me feel very sad, to the point that I can start crying. As I’m typing this right now, I’m starting to get teary, which tells me I have to fix this problem.
I’ve attempted to fix this by talking to him, suggesting how we should start talking again, or asking questions to get an opinion. However, it just reverts back to silence after that. I’ve asked him to play a computer game with me (League of Legends) when I saw him on, and after a few rejections, he finally insisted so (I did terrible and he didn’t play with me ever after that). A few girls that are good friends of mine talked to him about me and they told me he said I was annoying. I didn’t get too offended because it’s just a general and common word to describe me . He’s going off to college soon and I feel sad everytime I think about these years that have passed, how much we could have helped each other and how much fun we could have had (oh great, the feelings are hitting me again x.x). I need advice on how I can approach things and to fix things. I feel like there’s not enough I can say to get him to start talking again. And please don’t get me wrong, he’s not a ass or anything. He’s very friendly and loyal, it’s just a bit weird in my family.

 

[Stephen]

My suggestion is that you write him a message, either a letter or an email, explaining how you feel and what your concerns are. He's silent about this, but I'm sure he has a lot going on inside about it. He may find the face to face confrontation over it too stressful to handle, particularly since you're almost certainly naturally a more engaging person than he is. A friend of mine is an ESFP and the dynamic is pretty similar.

 

[Dilldough]

My suggestion is that you write him a message, either a letter or an email, explaining how you feel and what your concerns are. He's silent about this, but I'm sure he has a lot going on inside about it. He may find the face to face confrontation over it too stressful to handle, particularly since you're almost certainly naturally a more engaging person than he is. A friend of mine is an ESFP and the dynamic is pretty similar.

One of my friend suggested that, but that feels so awkward... How is he going to react if I sent him an electronic message. Is he going to avoid making eye contact... etc etc. There's like endless possibilities and worries that go through my head, LOL.

 

[Stephen]

One of my friend suggested that, but that feels so awkward... How is he going to react if I sent him an electronic message. Is he going to avoid making eye contact... etc etc. There's like endless possibilities and worries that go through my head, LOL.

He will have time to read and process it before interacting with you. That's almost certainly going to be more comfortable to him than dealing with something that's potentially emotional in a face-to-face event.

 

[Dilldough]

He will have time to read and process it before interacting with you. That's almost certainly going to be more comfortable to him than dealing with something that's potentially emotional in a face-to-face event.

I see.. but since I've already tried to talk to him, would it be better if I gradually talked to him more and more each day? I think that as long as the awkwardness is fixed the relationship will be back to normal. It will take quite some time to repair that few years of silence though.

 

[Stephen]

I see.. but since I've already tried to talk to him, would it be better if I gradually talked to him more and more each day? I think that as long as the awkwardness is fixed the relationship will be back to normal. It will take quite some time to repair that few years of silence though.

I still think doing it in writing is better. It doesn't put him on the spot.

 

[Andrew Wilson]

I agree with @Stephen writing a letter is the best way and talking to him face to face will be stressful. He needs time to think, analyse, process and come to a decision
My sister is an ESFP, she spent months away from the family and the only reason why she repaired things with me were just a few messages through facebook now and again I was able to figure out that she was also having troubles.. but that is a whole different story

 

[Dilldough]

Well, I find that very awkward for me LOL. Should I wait 'til he's off in college and text him there? That way when he comes back on the weekends or something we can talk as soon as he gets home?

 

[sriracha]

I see.. but since I've already tried to talk to him, would it be better if I gradually talked to him more and more each day? I think that as long as the awkwardness is fixed the relationship will be back to normal. It will take quite some time to repair that few years of silence though.

I think that would work as well too, but only if he allows himself to be more and more open to you each day. The note just makes it "official" so he can work on it.

Well, I find that very awkward for me LOL. Should I wait 'til he's off in college and text him there? That way when he comes back on the weekends or something we can talk as soon as he gets home?

Nope, haha I think that would also be awkward.

 

[Dilldough]

Are there any suggestions how I can approach it then? Like what to say in the message and what not? I don't want to come off too deep or cheesy.

 

[sBel90]

I can only speak for myself but if he's truly an ISTJ it doesn't really matter WHAT you say. I know that I tend to have pretty intense emotions and feelings. Often the ONLY way for me to express them is in writing and even then I can't be around the person when they read them because I think they are so intense. While your brother may find a letter unexpected, if he is given enough time to process it, he will actually really think about it and if he cares (I doubt he doesn't) will find a way to do something about it. Most ISTJs are actually suuuuper gooey on the inside and so we must erect strong crunchy layers on the outside so that in case anything attempts to penetrate it, we won't ooze out all over the place. :crazy:

If I could give you one piece of advice on what to write - be COMPLETELY honest. If you hold back some part of how you feel, it will never be addressed and then if you end up having to bring it up later because you didn't do it initially, it will just be more weird. Do this enough and your brother will just stop trying. At least that's how I would react. YMMV. Also be prepared for possible yo-yo-ing. We *can* be very emotional or expose ourselves to an emotionally charged conversation but will need a lot of recovery time. To the other person it can seem like a lot of hot-and-cold. It's just the way we are, not a reflection of how we feel about you.

Actually I recently confronted *in writing* my ESFJ sister because for a looong time now it's felt like we were strangers living in the same house. It would have been extremely awkward to have this conversation in person due to the nature of our relationship but we were both pretty relieved to discuss it nonetheless. I realized that she would never say anything about it because she hates conflict/confrontation but it turns out she felt the same way I did and that we both wanted the dynamics to change. (To give you an idea of how sappy I was - or it felt super sappy to me *blegh*- I actually asked her if she wanted to be "friends" with me! :frustrating: Talk about feeling like a 2nd grader :mellow

Things haven't done an about-face, we still don't talk THAT much, but we do feel more comfortable around each other. And while it's not normal to NEVER interact with your siblings, I think that it's okay if you don't have much in common or are just in different places in life and therefore don't have much to share. Eventually as you guys get older you'll learn new respect and appreciation for each other. Not all families are super close - that does not mean they don't love each other deeply.

HTH

EDIT: Actually I forgot to mention that another good reason to write your brother is to give him the opportunity to "own" that he is part of the problem. A good relationship needs to have two active members, not just one. If it's only you doing the work, it's not impossible to improve, it'll just be really hard and ultimately you'll resent him once you're exhausted. Also, the fact that you are naturally a better communicator than him actually can be discouraging him from approaching you. I avoided talking to my sister about how I felt because I figured since she naturally had so many more friends and got along more easily with people, she must not really miss/need/care about me

 

[niss]

Are there any suggestions how I can approach it then? Like what to say in the message and what not? I don't want to come off too deep or cheesy.

Random: I'm a little confused: Are you typing as an ESTP or an ESFP? The thread title and your signature seem to disagree - and your coming off as an "F" in this thread.

Regardless of your MBTI preference, I wouldn't suggest writing the letter/email/text/whatever, at this time. You seem a little confused about what is appropriate behavior between siblings in a relationship, which suggests to me that you may be struggling with understanding boundaries. This is accentuated in my mind by what you've revealed about your family.

Really, this problem is much bigger than the scope of what a message board can manage. I would suggest counseling for yourself and postpone writing the letter until you and your counselor feel that you are ready for that step.

This is nothing against you - it's a lot of work to be healthy in the environment that you've described.

HTH

 

[Dilldough]

@sBel90
Thanks for the advice and information and also providing a situation from your life. I think I might give the whole message thing a try. I'm planning on waiting til we head to our rooms (they're directly across from eachother) and texting him, "Why don't we talk anymore?" or something along those lines to get to him emotionally. Hopefully that doesn't make things weirder LOL.

@niss
The first two times I've taken the test, I came out as an ESTP. However, I took it a third time and came out as an ESFP. After creating a thread in the ESTP section, elvis2010 (an ESTP) told me that I use my feelings in consideration. So I'm not quite solid on which one I am, but I think that it's possible to be an ESxP (apparently others disagree D.

I see where you're coming from but I wouldn't necessarily say confused on the behavior between siblings in a relationship. I think my brother should be my best friend and I should be able to tell him everything, well at least mostly everything and be there for one another. As active and outgoing as I am, I think that I will be able to easily bond him back into a strong relationship once I settle on a way to initiate an approach to fix the silence between us.