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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am a christian, non-denominational. So I met this really amazing woman at a fundraiser, she is best friends with my friends wife . We both met with others for lunch after a fundraiser and she and I began talking and just really easily clicked together with our personalities and interests at hand. we both love the bible, and read it and talk excitingly about it because we on our own time enjoy reading and praying and praising God. What hurts me is that over the past 5 months I have become closer and closer to her and trusting her, feeling like she was opening up her life to me, even inviting me to come with her next time to california with her roomates , or she would say "We should" and I said yes to all that. I was excited, my sadness was actually beginning to turn into hope because I have been so alone all my life. I hide my loneliness as much as I can, but its unbearable! Even as a christian it is unbearable, I cannot relate to people easily, they hurt me often and I have a wall of pride and wounds that go deep that I have been trying to heal for a long time. I feel like nothing but having a hope and future in a wife will ever heal these wounds, how can a man go to sleep just thinking of how alone his life has been? I have no one to talk to after dinner time, no one to spend time with in my home and in my room when it is night time. I just felt that this woman I met was amazing because we would talk for hours and hours until a starbucks closed down ...we would go to the park and walk for hours around the park just talking non stop back and forth. It felt so peaceful and good. She told me she was sick and tired of men playing the "field" at church, dating multiple people, or jumping from one woman to the next. I am similarly disgusted with that too. I have never even had a girlfriend, because by the time I begin to open myself up Im abandoned . I started a new job in January after being laid off in december, its been rough all last year but this year is a bit better, I had hope , and I finally started working 40 hours a week which is a huge blessing because I can pay some bills and fix my broken car. By the time I had my first paycheck I asked her out to dinner, with no response, I thought she was busy maybe or tired she works full time. I asked her out a week later and she told me "Sorry but I have plans that day with my boyfriend". This is new, she didn't have a boyfriend before. She did mention many times "You should come to my bible study with me!" . I wanted to go to her bible study, I have felt abandoned even by many people at previous churches(those are long stories, I discovered a pastor was stealing money and I left a church and it hurt me a lot because I didnt know what to think for a while about going to church). She opened up all these ideas and hope for me. She did mention the bible study leader by name and kept saying "you are so analytical, and you should come and discuss the scripture with him and the bible study, hes very analytical too". She kept mentioning similarities, even though she was single and I dont feel comfortable being compared to other men, its similar to the rudeness of comparing women to other females physically or intellectually. I didnt think much of it , but I realized that maybe she didnt think I was interested in her because I never told her my feelings (because I am slow to open up but was starting to)...she is now dating that man who leads the bible study. It really hurts me that she would open up so much to me and even when I said yes and began opening up to her, and asked her out it feels like multiple doors were slammed on my heart, like a bunch of daggers. I feel abandoned, and like she is already forgetting who I am. I was so upset when she told me she had plans with her boyfriend that I mocked it and said "oh so now you know why christian men are sick of christian women" and "Ill take back the dvds you borrowed, and planned on having me come see with you". She had been inviting me to see movies with her just a week before. "We should watch_____ together." She is involved with missions organizations and really does take the bible seriously, I think she made a big mistake, maybe she doesn't realize it yet or is afraid to admit it now that she committed . I don't even know why she said yes to date that man, I don't think he has any integrity considering that her bible study group must have heard about me multiple times. I feel once again like a "church" of christians was just a gossip club that cultivated a cult following to 1 man, and then reinforced an idea that "oh you should just stop seeing him, because hes not part of our bible study". I just get this vibe that her bible study group has convinced her that I wasnt interested or that Im somehow not good enough to date her? Im not rich, i dont have much, no degree but I am faithful and I work hard and im gentle,also unfortunately im shy. When I told her "We aren't friends anymore" i felt extremely hurt, I hurt myself and I felt that what I said was so bad, and just so terrible because I shouldnt be hurtful to her even if she did something wrong, I really cared for her...so it took me a few days and lots of nightmares and coldsweats until I apologized to her. I sent her james 5:16 and told her I was wrong about everything I said to her, and it was wrong and Im sorry. I felt better for at least apologizing, because despite feeling like she hurt me so badly, I don't want to hurt her back. In the past she had this anger in her towards her ex boyfriend and mentioned how he bought her " mace" for her birthday, I am not that kind of man and I dont know why she tried to draw that up in a conversation to me. after she forgave me for the "we aren't friends anymore" I sent her flowers a day later. I wrote "as a symbol of my reconciliation to you, God bless you _____" i meant it genuinely, it was a topiary with stars of bethlehem and lillies,hydrangea and pink roses...I sent it to her work place and she received them. She told me "Thanks for the flowers" and I told her you're welcome , and she said "I appreciate that" and I just told her i found some peace in reading the bible and told her "Have a nice week _name___" . She said "Thanks you too". Its so painful to me, extremely painful. I really honestly feel shes worth trying to marry. People now days don't take marriage seriously, but both my grandparents have had 50 + years of marriage and both of those men really went above and beyond to marry their wives, one showed up at her house the day he met her near his work place so that he could meet the parents and meet her and that was a pretty brave thing. the other grandpa met my grandma while walking down the street to work and she was being courted by a rich man but my grandpa traveled in a model T car to find her in california before she could marry him and he asked her before the other man had the chance. I felt like sending her flowers was not just genuine about my apology but I am trying to show her that I really am willing to try , i don't want to be an ordinary man who doesnt even try. did I do the right thing? and will she even remember me and how I feel towards her? Women I am asking for your input, how would a woman feel in this situation?
 

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You need to be respectful of her wishes.

I feel as if she would want some space right now.

It's very likely that she wanted to pursue a friendship but you wanted more, so now is the time to reevaluate yourself.
 

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I wish I could help you with some advice, I really tried to follow the text, but I couldn't. Sorry, all this talk of the Bible blocks me completely. It's not that I don't believe in God, I do believe in a creator, but I can't take the Bible literally. It's just a book of general guidance, not a user manual. If you need a book to be a good, kind person, I have my doubts of what will happen when I try to tell you that your book is wrong. Bible study... I don't know about that.

I'm more spiritual, I believe in some forms of religion, I believe the trees have some sort of a soul, they are alive and have a life aura around them, animals have souls, everything is worth living and I try to respect all forms of life, not just humans.

Regarding your questions, maybe she does not want a more committed relation and you should look elsewhere for that. But before you do, maybe you should just talk to her, get things straight. Why live in doubt?

People now days don't take marriage seriously

OK, now I am upset, reading this just blew my mind. How long did you know this woman for? I gathered 5 months, please tell me that's not the case. That's not even remotely enough to make such a big life changing decision. I need a few years before I can commit. I just do. Not because I'm not sure of myself, but because I'm not sure of the other. They need to remain constant and recognizable to the person I met. I fell in love for a good reason and I don't want to find myself married to someone else. I am ready to marry someone, but they have to be worth it. I can't just do it and hope it will turn out fine. That's how divorces happen.

Sorry for being so "rough", but really, some of these ideas rub against me the wrong way. Apologies where due.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
You need to be respectful of her wishes.

I feel as if she would want some space right now.

It's very likely that she wanted to pursue a friendship but you wanted more, so now is the time to reevaluate yourself.
what were her wishes? she never gave any....she wasnt mean to me , i was the one who was hurt and upset
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
You need to be respectful of her wishes.

I feel as if she would want some space right now.

It's very likely that she wanted to pursue a friendship but you wanted more, so now is the time to reevaluate yourself.
I dont really know what there is to reevaluate m I know what i said was wrong when i was upset with her, but I already resolved that. I like her, i have nothing to re-evaluate
 

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Sounds like you were far more emotionally invested than she was...

At any rate, Bible Study "won" and you lost...for whatever reason, that is the case. Sorry that this hurt you so much, but she doesn't owe you anything and if she's made the "wrong decision"... well, it's her decision to make. It's none of your business. Time to leave her alone...go lick your wounds and move on.

Also... paragraphs are a lovely invention. You should give them a try sometime. :tongue:
 

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I think it would be healthy to continue your healing through prayer alone with God and receiving prayer from trusted friends.

Continuing to contact her, send her messages, reconciliation gifts (like flowers, etc.), could all be seen as inappropriate. Especially because she has a boyfriend.

It appears she has chosen not to pursue you romantically, and if I'm reading your post correctly, you feel that she led you on. That's unfortunate, and it hurts. However, she is not the person you should be talking with about this stuff.

I know that Christians want to have reconciliation with their brothers and sisters in Christ, but there are times when forgiveness just needs to be done in the heart without involving the other person.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Sounds like you were far more emotionally invested than she was...

At any rate, Bible Study "won" and you lost...for whatever reason, that is the case. Sorry that this hurt you so much, but she doesn't owe you anything and if she's made the "wrong decision"... well, it's her decision to make. It's none of your business. Time to leave her alone...go lick your wounds and move on.

Also... paragraphs are a lovely invention. You should give them a try sometime. :tongue:
you are a jerk
 
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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I think it would be healthy to continue your healing through prayer alone with God and receiving prayer from trusted friends.

Continuing to contact her, send her messages, reconciliation gifts (like flowers, etc.), could all be seen as inappropriate. Especially because she has a boyfriend.

It appears she has chosen not to pursue you romantically, and if I'm reading your post correctly, you feel that she led you on. That's unfortunate, and it hurts. However, she is not the person you should be talking with about this stuff.

I know that Christians want to have reconciliation with their brothers and sisters in Christ, but there are times when forgiveness just needs to be done in the heart without involving the other person.[/QUOTE Ephesians 4:32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. "


James 5:16 Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. "
Colossians 3:13
Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. "


Proverbs 28:13 Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy. "

I did nothing out of expectation, I was honest and removed all my pride just to do that. It hurts yes, and yes I am still hopeful but I haven't tried to contact her since then. I just have this reoccuring pain of abandonment by people. I feel like Im never enough, Im never attractive enough, not enough money, not enough something..I just don't get it. I am not ambitious or mean, I do have my moments of being upset just like any other human but it doesn't cause me to have a foul mouth or act out my anger . I keep asking when will this ever end? Im tired of being used or abandoned especially by people who are so nice and caring at first?
 

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An s/o is not going to fix anything for you, in all probability they will make it worse. Don't waste your time with her, cut your losses now before you get involved any deeper. Also take it from a former christian just because someone goes to church and supposedly follows the word of god, doesn't make them a good person. My advise find some other venue to meet women on, because christian women are nothing but problems.
 

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@Dr.Horrible

I am not an INFJ but I am a Christian so I hope what I say can help.

For starters, I really don't think she would have mentioned you in such great detail at bible study - it's nothing against you, but bible studies aren't meant to put people at the center. They're meant to put Christ at the center. Sure, we can offer prayer requests and fellowship with other believers, but the main point is to discuss God and Jesus and His teachings. Keep that in mind - I don't think the bible study group swayed her opinion of you in the least. If they did, then maybe you should be glad you didn't go.

Now, I do feel like you're coming off a little too strongly - after all, you and this lady haven't known each other very long. You say that you were slow to open up, which does seem to be the case - but all the while you're externally moving slow, your heart and everything inside of you has already hopped on board. This is obviously going to lead to heartache because you feel tricked, maybe even deceived. You may appear slow to open up on the outside, but deep down, you've already fallen in love with this lady before you even gave her a chance to fall in love with you.

With that being said, in my experience with ESTJs, they seem to just talk and suggest things and say things just...because. They don't really seem to carry much meaning. To be honest, I think they like to hear themselves talk. That might not be the case with all ESTJs, but it has been in my experience with them.

They enjoy confrontation, but they don't do so well when it comes to genuine intensity. As an INFJ, this probably made you feel a little more lonely than usual. That doesn't mean something is wrong with you - it just means she wasn't the one for you.

My advice for you at this point - give it to God, and ask Him to work on YOU instead of working on finding you a mate. God will lead you in the right direction when He feels that you are ready. Yes, that's extremely frustrating - but as it goes, His timing is better than ours, whether we want to acknowledge/believe that or not.

Also - don't give up on that church just because of this woman. You will never find a perfect church, so don't bother looking - focus on your relationship with Jesus. That is truly all that matters.

Also #2 - enough with this "tired of being abandoned" and "not good enough" stuff. You were made by God, for God, and He will never abandon you. God does not abandon his children - we abandon Him. Once you believe that and live by it, you'll never feel abandoned or less than good enough again.
 

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On another note, you are right about church being a gossip mill and all the other stuff you said, you are not going to find anything good at a church, Sin all week then on Sunday go to church, Monday - Saturday do all the same stuff that you asked forgiveness for on Sunday.
 

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I did nothing out of expectation, I was honest and removed all my pride just to do that. It hurts yes, and yes I am still hopeful but I haven't tried to contact her since then. I just have this reoccuring pain of abandonment by people. I feel like Im never enough, Im never attractive enough, not enough money, not enough something..I just don't get it. I am not ambitious or mean, I do have my moments of being upset just like any other human but it doesn't cause me to have a foul mouth or act out my anger . I keep asking when will this ever end? Im tired of being used or abandoned especially by people who are so nice and caring at first?
I think this goes deeper than the situation you've described to us. I recognize that this may sound rude, but I'm concerned for you so I'm going to say it. I think there's a disconnect between the theory in your mind, and the way the world actually works regarding relations with other people. The void and need you're asking us to fill on this forum probably isn't possible. The pastors and elders of your church are available for this very thing, and I think you should go to them for counseling regarding your perceptions of what is owed to you in this life, and the reality of interactions with people. You've allowed yourself to become an "innocent" victim, but really your own pessimism is the enemy here.

I recognize I have very few details. I may be way off base in my assessment, and that's something you'll have to determine for yourself. But you've turned to an MBTI forum asking for specifically Christian advice on a topic that really has nothing to do with MBTI. You need some hard truth mixed with some gentle healing, brother, and a bunch of internet strangers can't give that to you. Place yourself under the guidance of the leaders of your church and get some intimate attention from those who by the very nature of their career choice desire to care for Christians who are hurting.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
@Dr.Horrible

I am not an INFJ but I am a Christian so I hope what I say can help.

For starters, I really don't think she would have mentioned you in such great detail at bible study - it's nothing against you, but bible studies aren't meant to put people at the center. They're meant to put Christ at the center. Sure, we can offer prayer requests and fellowship with other believers, but the main point is to discuss God and Jesus and His teachings. Keep that in mind - I don't think the bible study group swayed her opinion of you in the least. If they did, then maybe you should be glad you didn't go.

Now, I do feel like you're coming off a little too strongly - after all, you and this lady haven't known each other very long. You say that you were slow to open up, which does seem to be the case - but all the while you're externally moving slow, your heart and everything inside of you has already hopped on board. This is obviously going to lead to heartache because you feel tricked, maybe even deceived. You may appear slow to open up on the outside, but deep down, you've already fallen in love with this lady before you even gave her a chance to fall in love with you.

With that being said, in my experience with ESTJs, they seem to just talk and suggest things and say things just...because. They don't really seem to carry much meaning. To be honest, I think they like to hear themselves talk. That might not be the case with all ESTJs, but it has been in my experience with them.

They enjoy confrontation, but they don't do so well when it comes to genuine intensity. As an INFJ, this probably made you feel a little more lonely than usual. That doesn't mean something is wrong with you - it just means she wasn't the one for you.

My advice for you at this point - give it to God, and ask Him to work on YOU instead of working on finding you a mate. God will lead you in the right direction when He feels that you are ready. Yes, that's extremely frustrating - but as it goes, His timing is better than ours, whether we want to acknowledge/believe that or not.

Also - don't give up on that church just because of this woman. You will never find a perfect church, so don't bother looking - focus on your relationship with Jesus. That is truly all that matters.

Also #2 - enough with this "tired of being abandoned" and "not good enough" stuff. You were made by God, for God, and He will never abandon you. God does not abandon his children - we abandon Him. Once you believe that and live by it, you'll never feel abandoned or less than good enough again.
well there is no doubt she brought me up, after all she constantly talked about how disgusted she was with "christian men who don't want to date christian women, and how men often play the field even at church"....well now you know what really upset me feel abandoned? bible studies tend to be very socially focused and not about actually living like christians, many of the "bible studies" ive been to in the past were weird because it was all about men and women and not about Christ, thats why I tend to shy away from such things. Im tired of being hurt by people who pretend to be something they dont even have a clue about
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
I think this goes deeper than the situation you've described to us. I recognize that this may sound rude, but I'm concerned for you so I'm going to say it. I think there's a disconnect between the theory in your mind, and the way the world actually works regarding relations with other people. The void and need you're asking us to fill on this forum probably isn't possible. The pastors and elders of your church are available for this very thing, and I think you should go to them for counseling regarding your perceptions of what is owed to you in this life, and the reality of interactions with people. You've allowed yourself to become an "innocent" victim, but really your own pessimism is the enemy here.

I recognize I have very few details. I may be way off base in my assessment, and that's something you'll have to determine for yourself. But you've turned to an MBTI forum asking for specifically Christian advice on a topic that really has nothing to do with MBTI. You need some hard truth mixed with some gentle healing, brother, and a bunch of internet strangers can't give that to you. Place yourself under the guidance of the leaders of your church and get some intimate attention from those who by the very nature of their career choice desire to care for Christians who are hurting.
I dont have a church. the last church I went to, the pastor was caught stealing money...the "elders" were all divorcees/remarried, or single with huge problems in their own personal lives. last time I went to a church, I was asked to play the guitar because im talented and I dont want to because its once again a situation of being USED for vanity, and the entire circus of brand naming the church to sell merchandise and appeal visually and entertainment wise. What am I suppose to do?I am a hurt christian, I am sick and tired of being used, and abandoned. Thats the truth about it. I know God is real and I know He is here, but what about church? I cant even find a church that treats me like a person , all the cliques all the entertainment...its just tiring. I am exhausted with it
 
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well there is no doubt she brought me up, after all she constantly talked about how disgusted she was with "christian men who don't want to date christian women, and how men often play the field even at church"....well now you know what really upset me feel abandoned? bible studies tend to be very socially focused and not about actually living like christians, many of the "bible studies" ive been to in the past were weird because it was all about men and women and not about Christ, thats why I tend to shy away from such things. Im tired of being hurt by people who pretend to be something they dont even have a clue about
Why would you be interested in making someone your wife when they constantly criticize the men of your faith? Christians should build others up, not tear them down. That should have been a massive red flag right there.

At this point, it sounds like you made the choice to feel abandoned - I don't think she was worth the time or effort, but at the same time, it seems like you're pitying yourself too much.

You're complaining about and criticizing bible studies instead of leading and fixing them. You don't need to shy away from them - Christ doesn't call us to shy away from such things.

I'm not trying to be rude by saying any of that. I just think you need to rely less on humans for the satisfaction you're seeking and more on God.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Why would you be interested in making someone your wife when they constantly criticize the men of your faith? Christians should build others up, not tear them down. That should have been a massive red flag right there.

At this point, it sounds like you made the choice to feel abandoned - I don't think she was worth the time or effort, but at the same time, it seems like you're pitying yourself too much.

You're complaining about and criticizing bible studies instead of leading and fixing them. You don't need to shy away from them - Christ doesn't call us to shy away from such things.

I'm not trying to be rude by saying any of that. I just think you need to rely less on humans for the satisfaction you're seeking and more on God.
i come from a year of living in the inner city to living in the suburb. I have no desire to be part of a study group if its focus is all vanity
.as for her criticizing men? lets be realistic, there is something totally wrong with christians and dating,
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Hey now, be nice to our @warweasel. It took a lot of hard work to get a forum mascot!

Do you have any idea how hard it is to find warweasels in the wild? How many months we spent trying to domesticate it? How many good INFJ brethren lost fingers trying to feed it? Right now PETA is shaking it's collective fist.
charlie bit me
 
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