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Hi all!

I'll try to be as brief as possible because I could probably write pages describing the context but nobody would read all that.

8 years together, I'm INTJ, my husband is ESTJ. We had rough couple of years at the start of the relationship (I just slogged through the unhealthy ESTJ thread and boy, did he fit many of the things described there). We worked hard to make it work and eventually got to a good place, lots of love and respect, we can talk openly about anything, which IMO is the most vital part of the relationship.

Yet lately he's been restless. We finaly moved into our own apartment from rented place, we got married last year. We basically got through every "level" available to a couple (neither of us wants kids), so there is no "achievement" left, except staying together. He is achiever type in enneagram (3w4 I think?). Lately he's been saying that feels like we're more friends than a couple. I disagree.

He suggested opening up the relationship so that we could explore new people - I'm not against poly/open but I dislike the idea of doing that when our relationship is clearly in trouble. It wouldn't be about expanding our relationship, it would be a way to avoid fixing what's wrong with us. He eventually backed off from the idea but it keeps haunting me, all of it.

He told me he sees that I'm unahppy - I am unhappy. Because I thought that we were good. I don't KNOW what's wrong exactly in his view - he loves me, he still finds me very attractive. So what gives. Why is he bored?

I've been waiting for several months or him to fix his drinking problem (he did that), for him to figure out how to stop being so bored with everything in his life. He says that this is part of him, that he will never be satisfied.
This makes me very unhappy and essentially, he makes ME decide what will happen to the relationship, he says he wants me to be happy - with or without him - and I should decide.
I want to be with him but if he won't try to fix what's so obviously wrong with his attitude towards life, I will never feel "safe" with him, I will always feel that he can snap any day and be like "this good life is so boring, I will trash it all just so there's some drama = fun". He does this every year or so, always royally fking something up just to piss me off and consider leaving him.
He's 95% of the time the most reliable and stable person to be with. But those times he for some reason decides to create trouble on purpose drain me so much.

Should I try somehow to stay with him, enjoy the good parts (the majority of the relationship is very good), try to fix it maybe. Or walk away? I don't even know if it can be fixed. I suspect he'll agree we try again (and meaning it seriously), but eventually he'll try to break the relationship again because that's how he's wired. And I suspect one day it may be him who will walk away, so I might as well save me some trouble by ending it now while we still love each other than wait until resentment grows and break up in mids of fighting and anger.
 

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He got bored of you? Wow! I find ESTJs to be the most boring people on the planet :laughing:
But on the serious note, " I will never feel "safe" with him, I will always feel that he can snap any day and be like "this good life is so boring, I will trash it all just so there's some drama = fun"." you need to decide if you want to feel safe or stay with him, and no one can tell you which you should choose!
If you want to stay with him though, why don't you make his life a bit more fun and exciting?!
By far you probably know what he likes and enjoys doing, surprise him, take him to his favourite places, do the activities that he enjoys, explore your sex life, bring in something new, don't fall into every day work-sleep routine...The way i see it, if he is enjoying his time with you, and if he is having enough fun as it is, then he wouldn't be searching for it elsewhere. You said he has a need to drop everything at one point, so let him..take a break, a vacation, it doesn't need to be anything extremely luxurious, just couple of days off from everything can help. "Lately he's been saying that feels like we're more friends than a couple." - Prove him wrong, what do you think a couple should look like and what does he? You can just sit down and talk to him about it, i bet he will appreciate the fact that you actually want to change this!

The situation isn't as similar to this one, but I was having some truly hard time mentally, couple of months ago and was even considering quiting a relationship that i was in (the irony it's a poly thing xD, although i am still in it and truly discovered that it's the best thing for me :D), so my partner decided to make a 7 days "rehab period" so he called it, where every day/evening/night (without telling me where we are going) he would take me somewhere new, and we would experience all sorts of crazy and interesting things, and it really helped, also made me appreciate him even more for stepping up and doing something like that in the first place.

So my point here is that if you truly want to stay with him, do everything you can to save the relationship, because if you don't, you'll regret it later, and on the other hand, if you think you can do so much better off, perhaps that's a better solution. :)
 

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@Keila

Talk to a marriage counselor. Most people on this forum are young, unmarried, and do not have the experience or training to give you useful advice. We are not the people you need to be talking to.
 
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Seems like he's already wanting someone/something else other than you. It almost sounds like you're compromising a part of yourself in the relationship by inviting the idea of a 'open relationship' to keep him?

Anyways, regardless of type, I think the "normal" way to react/act when you're interested in /vested in /committed to someone is to have constant interest in them and always want to be with them and only them; finding new ways to grow with each other, etc. (Constantly progressing and being each others "better half", to me, is what the core of a relationship should be.)

You could try to overhaul the relationship but, it seems like it would only be one-sided or even half assed and that's not fair to either of you. Perhaps taking a break from each other will bring clarity to see what you both truly want/expect.

Best of luck.
 
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