[laly37]

Hi,
I am an ESTJ and I am involved in a emotional affair with another ESTJ.:sad:
When everything started I was happily single then I met him. It all started as friendship with a work colleague and nothing more.
Now we are involved in an emotional affair and I just met someone very nice.
I would like to end the affair (easier said than done). As a ESTJ I know this is wrong and that if it carries on I will end up getting hurt (some website talk about depression) and I hate the rollercoaster of emotions that comes with it. Every week is a big drama. My life was so simple before. Also I would like it to work out with my new boyfriend.
I feel like intoxicated by a drug and I am at the stage where I know things are getting out of control and I need to go to rehab. The problem is that I cannot just walk in a hospital and ask for help.
All the help I found online is directed towards the couple and telling them how to get rid of me, but nowhere I find how to get rid of him.

If anyone has had the same experience please get in touch if you can help.
Thanks

 

[KrystRay]

Stop talking to him altogether. I drop off the face of the planet when I want to do this to others. They'll get the hint. If you want to be nicer about it, tell him that you need some time to yourself.

 

[laly37]

Stop talking to him altogether. I drop off the face of the planet when I want to do this to others. They'll get the hint. If you want to be nicer about it, tell him that you need some time to yourself.

We tried this after a trip aborad for work that was far too close for confort a couple of weeks ago.
Unless I could take extended time off work, this is not very realistic because our workplace is quite small and I have to talk to him on a professional level on a regular basis. I really tried my best but he did not, so it all fell throught, within a week I was speaking to him again.

 

[KrystRay]

Tell him you're seeing someone else?

 

[SuperDuperMan]

Very interesting! meeting someone of the same personality type is so alluring, almost no work has to be done. No need to prepare, just jump right into it. I too have been attracted by women of my same personality type. I'd opt for best friends, great co-workers, even maybe for other "needs" but I wouldn't want to be paired up romantically with one.

For me if I were to be in a romantic bond with another, there'd have to be differences that allow me to share with another person and see things differently. I won't get that through an identical personality type, it'll just be the same o same o, but it's great for the above mentioned.

Another nice thing about identical personality relationships is that you can be extremely open and honest. In fact I'm willing to bet you already know how to go about resolving whatever issue you have - more than likely the other person will completely understand without much protest.

 

[On the road to Damascus]

Just to clarify - is the ESTJ co-worker married? So you are having an emotional affair with him but have not been physically intimate with him.

A few suggestions - be honest with him and explain that the emotional intimacy needs to end because you are now involved in another relationship. If he does not agree with this then you might have to consider getting another job so that you will have some peace of mind.

I got involved with a co-worker several years ago. We had a relatoinship for about 2 years but it crashed and burned. It was very difficult seeing each other every day at the office. I eventually left the firm and moved on to another employment opportunity.

 

[laly37]

Tell him you're seeing someone else?

Off course he knows about it.

 

[laly37]

Just to clarify - is the ESTJ co-worker married?

He is not married but he might as well be, he has been with his girlfriend for 8 years

So you are having an emotional affair with him but have not been physically intimate with him.

That is the definition of emotional affair. it is as bad as a full blown affair if you ask me

A few suggestions - be honest with him and explain that the emotional intimacy needs to end because you are now involved in another relationship. If he does not agree with this then you might have to consider getting another job so that you will have some peace of mind.

I have tried to end the relationship and still trying (that is why I am here) but like I said I failed. I have considrede the getting another job solution. Obviously that will take time.

I got involved with a co-worker several years ago. We had a relatoinship for about 2 years but it crashed and burned. It was very difficult seeing each other every day at the office. I eventually left the firm and moved on to another employment opportunity.

My ex was a co-worker and I know what it entitles.

 

[laly37]

I realized that there is not a simple answer to my problem and that it is not going to go away with a shake of a maagic wand.
What I need people is a master plan.
UPDATE: I am not with my ENTJ boyfriend anymore because apparently I am too busy and not enough like a doormat. I think I did not satisfy his big ego :frustrating:
Anyway I still want to end the emotional affair.

 

[laly37]

Very interesting! meeting someone of the same personality type is so alluring, almost no work has to be done. No need to prepare, just jump right into it. I too have been attracted by women of my same personality type. I'd opt for best friends, great co-workers, even maybe for other "needs" but I wouldn't want to be paired up romantically with one.

For me if I were to be in a romantic bond with another, there'd have to be differences that allow me to share with another person and see things differently. I won't get that through an identical personality type, it'll just be the same o same o, but it's great for the above mentioned.

Another nice thing about identical personality relationships is that you can be extremely open and honest. In fact I'm willing to bet you already know how to go about resolving whatever issue you have - more than likely the other person will completely understand without much protest.

Yes it feels very easy to talk and be with him.
I explained in a long email to him the reason why we need to stop everything, he understood perfectly what I meant and that was why we decided to stop talking for a week. But then it did not work.....:blushed:

 

[laly37]

A lot of websites propose the couple to reconnect in order to end the affairs. Do you guys think that if I try to fix his relationship things can end between us?

 

[alice35]

If I were in your situation what I would like best is to talk things through and get closure. Surpressing things would not work at all for me and I'd rather bring it in the open. So perhaps that we'd both learn from it as well. There are obviously some qualities you admire in each other which to me is not a bad thing at all. As for a conversation, it doesn't have to be a super charged one but rather casual in which you may like to address your struggles and that this situation throws you off balance and that you find it difficult. And perhaps ask for input of how to change this so the two of you can move along smoothly.

 

[laly37]

If I were in your situation what I would like best is to talk things through and get closure. Surpressing things would not work at all for me and I'd rather bring it in the open. So perhaps that we'd both learn from it as well. There are obviously some qualities you admire in each other which to me is not a bad thing at all. As for a conversation, it doesn't have to be a super charged one but rather casual in which you may like to address your struggles and that this situation throws you off balance and that you find it difficult. And perhaps ask for input of how to change this so the two of you can move along smoothly.

Sounds like a reasonable thing to do....I'll try that and let you know

 

[KrystRay]

UPDATE: I am not with my ENTJ boyfriend anymore because apparently I am too busy and not enough like a doormat. I think I did not satisfy his big ego :frustrating:

Please tell me that you mocked him while "stroking" his ego!!! I love doing that to the stupid P's I go out with. They don't even realize that I'm mocking them half the time!!!!

 

[KrystRay]

Laly, I am completely infatuated with a married ESTJ in a miserable marriage. He's crazy about me too and we randomly run into each other every few weeks or so (we live in the same city). We have never done anything but my God- when we get together you can feel the sparks flying between us! Anyway, that just made me think that yeah, he probably is getting his emotional fix from you. Like they say, you can't break up a happy relationship.

I highly doubt that anything will ever come of me and my married ESTJ (there's a great big pricecheck on that divorce), but I'll keep you updated just in case.

Why do I have to be seeing a flaky P????????????? Oh yeah, great sex. Right.

 

[laly37]

Please tell me that you mocked him while "stroking" his ego!!! I love doing that to the stupid P's I go out with. They don't even realize that I'm mocking them half the time!!!!

I do not stoke anyone's ego. I rarely dish out compliments unles i truly mean it.

 

[laly37]

Laly, I am completely infatuated with a married ESTJ in a miserable marriage. He's crazy about me too and we randomly run into each other every few weeks or so (we live in the same city). We have never done anything but my God- when we get together you can feel the sparks flying between us! Anyway, that just made me think that yeah, he probably is getting his emotional fix from you. Like they say, you can't break up a happy relationship.

I highly doubt that anything will ever come of me and my married ESTJ (there's a great big pricecheck on that divorce), but I'll keep you updated just in case.

Why do I have to be seeing a flaky P????????????? Oh yeah, great sex. Right.

Finaly someone that understand what I am talking about!

 

[laly37]

UPDATE : I have talked to a friend and she came up with a brillant masterplan: at the moment this ESTJ and I are always in contact (texting, emailing, talking). She told me to set myself small targets. Exemple: if I think of something or something happen I have to train myself to not share that info with him. It could be for a day or a week or never. Obviously when I will be able to share nothing or only casual stuff he will be back to becoming a "normal" friend and I will be cure. Obviously this is going to take time but I can see it working and I have hope now.
So first thing I must not tell him that I have seen my friend today (or that I am trying to get rid of him).:happy:

 

[KrystRay]

I have such a big mouth- that is nearly impossible for me!

 

[WickedQueen]

Laly, I kind of worry that he actually just "using" you as the rebound girl for his relationship problem. I don't know if he realize it, though. But think about what happen if he break up with his girlfriend and you guys start dating. I think things between you and him as a real couple won't be as beautiful as now. And when that reality hit you, you'll be sorry for wasting your time with him.

I think it can be a good motivation for you to move on.