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Initially, I improved my relationship with my ESTJ father by moving out of the house to go to college, for starters. :) In some cases absence does make the heart grow fonder. Distance and time away is what I needed to process our relationship better, and it was the first step in mending the unhealthy relationship of my adolescence into something better and healthier in my early 20's.

I think reading about the ESTJ helped as well, because I could begin to see things from his point of view. So learning about the MBTI in my senior year of high school helped really revolutionize my approach with handling things/conflict with my father. Lots of a-ha moments. Not to mention my father isn't just any ESTJ, but one who has struggled with Obsessive Compulsive disorder and major, crippling, disabling depression. Anyway, when I found out about MBTI, it really helped me with something that was very painful to me at the time. (**ponders**) Now that I think about it, I don't know if my relationship with my father would have improved as much as it did had it not been for me finding out about MBTI.

Sorry^ Tangent.

I don't know... this question is hard to answer without knowing your age, and more about your father. For instance, not all ESTJ's are alike. What are his interests? What does he like? What upsets or angers him? How do you feel about him? What causes you to want to bond better with him and what is it that seems to be inhibiting that? Maybe knowing more of that info could help in terms of advice.

Whatever the case, I think its good you are making this thread and are interested in improving your relationship with him. :)

Oh yeah, and I hope you mind me replying and being a daughter INFP and not a son INFP. :) Though, my dad did always attempt to treat me like the son he never had, so.. maybe it counts. :p
 

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Basically the same as what @Oh_no_she_DIDNT said :p My dad is an ESTJ, and he is very dominating/bossy as well, which made it really difficult for us to deal with each other; I wanted freedom and assurance, he gave orders and made a good amount of decisions for me in a "that's what's best for you son" fashion, which he did mean, he was just trying to provide me with what he thought was better.

Basically, when we weren't together in the same house anymore, everything cleared. When I'm with my family, issues rise up again, but I think my dad is slowly realizing that he can't really treat me like that anymore.

I think the best thing you can do now is try not to argue or bring up any differences, and be light-hearted about everything, even if your dad 'clams up' or gets ESTJ-upset and stuff :p Just play it cool, even if you're scared/angry/etc inside, and always solve problems rationally since he will expect that as well. Also, I think that the lack of emotions in your relationship (if that's the case, I'm speaking from my experience and I'm trying my best to generalize to help, so take my advice with a grain of salt!) is kind of 'normal' for him, and i don't know if opening up to him would be a good idea, since when i did to my dad he totally didn't realize he was entering the 'sacred sanctuary' and he basically ran around like he usually did and trampled everything (metaphorically) xD

So yeah, I hope that helps in any way!
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Alright, thank you very much for the advice. If it helps, I do have some answers to your questions:
I’m a junior in high school. (And my Dad is stressing a community college, so going away may not be possible.
My father likes computers (internal stuff) and, yes, football. I think I got him hooked on Call of Duty, just about when I stopped playing.
Bugs frustrate him to no end, so we really can’t do anything outside. He gets unrealistically frustrated when things don’t go over smoothly (which I can never manage to do)
I want to bond better with him because he is my father, and we should have a good relationship. I also am aware that he really can’t do too much to not act like he does. Though, every day I feel like I am not liking him even more. That is what is prohibiting the relationship I want to have, even though I want to like him.
I don’t think he doesn’t like me, but I am sure that he doesn’t know I am growing less fond of him. So, I doubt there is any real way of telling.
Thanks!
 

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Alright, thank you very much for the advice. If it helps, I do have some answers to your questions:
I’m a junior in high school. (And my Dad is stressing a community college, so going away may not be possible.
My father likes computers (internal stuff) and, yes, football. I think I got him hooked on Call of Duty, just about when I stopped playing.
Bugs frustrate him to no end, so we really can’t do anything outside. He gets unrealistically frustrated when things don’t go over smoothly (which I can never manage to do)
I want to bond better with him because he is my father, and we should have a good relationship. I also am aware that he really can’t do too much to not act like he does. Though, every day I feel like I am not liking him even more. That is what is prohibiting the relationship I want to have, even though I want to like him.
I don’t think he doesn’t like me, but I am sure that he doesn’t know I am growing less fond of him. So, I doubt there is any real way of telling.
Thanks!
Thanks for the additional info. :)

Well, I'm certainly no expert on the dynamics of family relationships, (and not that you are suggesting this) but, I'd say that taking into consideration that we don't 'choose' parents or siblings and other family relationships, I don't think the goal has to necessarily be to 'really like' each of our family members, but at the most basic level to have respect/understanding for one another (if possible) and then if that is accomplished, to find common ground to build a deeper relationship (which seems to be what you are hoping for). But, anyway, I suppose what I am trying to say is that I think its okay if you wake up and suddenly realize you are not super crazy about a family member... and I think its okay to accept that maybe some differences are okay to have, but yet you should still be able to take advantage of having the relationship to begin with even if its not the ideal? Making the most of it. Hopefully I'm articulating this okay.

Your father likes football and computers. :) Have you ever watched a game with him? (What kind of football and what team, I'm curious? - [I'm a fan :) ]) Is there anyway you might be able to go on some sort of outing related to computers like going to a computer convention (haha.. not sure about that)... Even if you aren't necessarily wild about those things, he might respond positively to you taking interest in what he's interested in. Is there anything important to you that you might be able to invite your father to share in with you?

Like I said, I know all ESTJ's are different, but my father is crazy obsessed with astronomy, and he LOVES to talk about it and share it... for instance, he'll take people out to see the space station passing by at the appointed time.. I've seen it zooming past quite a few evenings... and he's always recruiting neighbors to look through his telescope.. lol. I think its a cool hobby. He's also into photography and politics. Sometimes I just ask him about those topics to start a discussion, and I know he likes talking so, I think it keeps things open between us. We actually have some rather interesting conversations and in spite of my being an INFP and his being an ESTJ, in some ways we are very alike because we can both be somewhat impassioned in debate.. and maybe a little stubborn in our opinions lol. We have interesting and thought provoking conversations. The only thing is that he loves the conflict of debate and I don't mind it so long as it doesn't get too personal, or revolve around an issue that affects me personally because then I run the risk I'll get emotional.. and so that's how we differ. Anyway, for me, being able to share conversations or hobbies/interests has helped. And its something I enjoy.

You say that he gets frustrated when 'things don't go over smoothly' and you seem to feel that you don't meet his expectations (from what I pick up). I could have said something similar at your age. I never met my father's expectations and that was a source of constant frustration for me. I suppose there should be a compromise of doing what we can to accommodate others who we are close to while also accepting our own limitations. For instance, as a teenager, it would have behooved me to be more conscientious about keeping the house more orderly for him since that was and still is very important to him. It didn't bug me to be relaxed about my belongings and throw my coat on the sofa instead of putting it neatly in the closet, and so I assumed it wouldn't be a big deal for others either but with age I have come to realize that what we all need for 'peace' can differ. What I wanted for peace was for him to be more sensitive to my feelings. I felt disrespected in how he approached me and interacted with me, and yet I did not realize how my not taking more care about the house was impeding on his sense of peace. This is just one example, but what I mean is that it may help your relationship if you can take note of ways you might be able to promote more peace for your father if its not unreasonable for you. (But also understanding you are who you are and we can't always please everyone perfectly all the time... there's a balance)

Also, I think you are relatively young and you've got time to work on this relationship. Its good you are working on it now. :) I think you'll go through many changes in the coming years, and as you grow and expand in your own life's journey, you may find more opportunities better understand your father and improve your relationship.

I wish you guys the best. :)
 

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After 56 years my ESTJ dad still doesn't know who I am. We've never had conversations about anything beyond how much money I make or spend & if I'm keeping up with the maintenance of my house, yard & cars, stuff like that. Chore stuff. That's his world. We've never once had a personal conversation. What worked best for me is for that to matter less, gradually over time. Not easy, still working on it some days. But most days, to me he's just some guy in a retirement home far away.
 

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Sorry, I did see that question the first time. I told myself to write down the answer because I would have forgetten, and I didn't write it down. I just remembered to answer the question:

NFL Pittsburgh Steelers
LOL! Funny. I'm a rabid Ravens fan.

I'm sorry to say that I now have to take back what I said; I cannot encourage you to participate in any Steelers-related festivities... It goes strictly against my code :tongue:
 

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LOL! Funny. I'm a rabid Ravens fan.

I'm sorry to say that I now have to take back what I said; I cannot encourage you to participate in any Steelers-related festivities... It goes strictly against my code :tongue:
Is it true the Baltimore Ravens were named in honour of Edgar Allan Poe?
 

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Is it true the Baltimore Ravens were named in honour of Edgar Allan Poe?
Most definitely. :) Don't know what Poe would have thought about a brain-knocking sport using his poem as inspiration for its team's name, but I think its fitting. Poe is connected to Baltimore and the poem is very dark... and foreboding... like my team.. :tongue:

Sometimes... during games, I will shout extremely intimidating and fear-inducing things to the other team's fans, like "NEVERMORE!!!". :p

Also, the raven's mascots are named Edgar, Alan, and Poe.. there are three of them if I'm not mistaken..
 

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Most definitely. :) Don't know what Poe would have thought about a brain-knocking sport using his poem as inspiration for its team's name, but I think its fitting. Poe is connected to Baltimore and the poem is very dark... and foreboding... like my team.. :tongue:

Sometimes... during games, I will shout extremely intimidating and fear-inducing things to the other team's fans, like "NEVERMORE!!!". :p

Also, the raven's mascots are named Edgar, Alan, and Poe.. there are three of them if I'm not mistaken..
Any cheerleaders named Annabel Lee, Lenore, or Ulalume?

Also, the Ravens is a much more intimidating name than the Pelicans. :laughing:
 

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I was just thinking about this today! I also realized something today as well, even though ESTJ is "opposite" from INFP, the cognitive functions are reversed. INFP's are Fi Ne Si Te. ESTJ's are Te Si Ne Fi. So I've found reaching back into the tertiary and inferior functions helpful. Our extroverted intuition is kind of a common ground we meet on well being my secondary and his tertiary. It is not uncommon for a tertiary function to be more dominant that a secondary because it is directed(introverted/extraverted) the same way as your dominant function. It can be quite hard and sometimes my mother will help as a mediator (ISFJ). It can be hard for my parents and siblings to relate to my N tendency because I'm quite confidant that they are all sensors (ESTJ father ISFJ mother ESTJ brother ISFP brother and ESFP sister. And they are all older) so it can be quite isolating at times. But there is hope! And reading descriptions and stalking some ESTJ forums can give you some more insight!:)
 
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