[hippiel0ve]

Firstly, I want to say that I think ESTJ are awesome. My Fiancee is an ESTJ.

BUt there are some issues. My boyfriend does everything, that I ask and need. But He lacks emotion. He treats our relationship as some challenge, that we cannot lose in, or a task. He treats our relationship like some workload, and doesn't cater to me emotionally, despite trying. We are long distance, so I don't know if this may be a factor? But I've dealt with guys long distance before, and I have felt emotional connection. How do I confront this issue to him, I want to marry him, but I am getting tired of his perfectionistic, logical approaches to everything. We never really have real conversations. Its always about what someone else, said, and what He learned in relationship books.(He even made a powerpoint on how we could deal with our future problems). My fiancee works a lot, and I think that could be the reason. I just wish he could be spontaneous and cater to me emotionally rather than treating me like a duty. Are all ESTJ's like this? Needless to say I feel like I am in love with a robot.

 

[Diamonic]

Hi there, I'm an estj and all that you're saying is so much like me as well. I'm very much emotional and an affectionate estj though, but only with the one I love and that could be more so because I'm female. I think men estj's are more likely to be less emotional because of 'the man' stereotype. I too am very practical and tend to over analyze everything and I'm also reading on relationships because my bf is so opposite from me being he's an enfp.
With that said, I understand why your guy is reading relationship books. We want as close to perfection as possible and even in our relationships. We know that being so opposite can cause problems in the long run thats why we try to troubleshoot and deal with the possibility of certain problems ahead of time so we can try to avoid it. I suggest you to read these books as well, because the more you understand your differences then the more you know how to deal with them and accept them. I loved the book 'how to love your lover 16 different ways' and would suggest it.
YOu said you have a long distant relationship, have you two ever lived close to one another?

 

[JustJac]

My boyfriend does everything, that I ask and need. But He lacks emotion.

No one's perfect, but it sounds like he's treating you well.

I want to marry him, but I am getting tired of his perfectionistic, logical approaches to everything.

You're getting "tired" of how he naturally acts? If he never changes, will you still be satisfied with him as a husband?

I just wish he could be spontaneous and cater to me emotionally rather than treating me like a duty.

It might get better when you guys aren't long distance. If the spontaneous thing is really bothering you, then find someone else who is spontaneous and caters to you emotionally. (Just keep in mind they might not be nearly as responsible.)

 

[Coburn]

Not everyone loves in the same way.

The fact that he regularly keeps in touch despite the distance and takes time to read books on how to improve your relationship (and avoid the regular pitfalls) suggests he probably really does care about this relationship. It sounds like you have a dedicated man who truly cares about you. I would count your blessings and consider the small things (like spontaneity) small bumps in the road.

 

[Kikotay]

I feel exactly the same way with you! I agree with JustJac that without the long distance, things would get better. And JuliaRhys is right when she said not everyone loves the same way.

From my experience, an ESTJ boyfriend is such a softie when you catch him at certain moods. You can always communicate to him that you feel like you're missing out on certain aspects of the relationship that you want. Once told, he will try his best to be sweet and affectionate to you. Your fiancee sounds like he is really invested in the relationship too. All the best!

 

[WickedQueen]

Firstly, I want to say that I think ESTJ are awesome. My Fiancee is an ESTJ.

BUt there are some issues. My boyfriend does everything, that I ask and need. But He lacks emotion. He treats our relationship as some challenge, that we cannot lose in, or a task. He treats our relationship like some workload, and doesn't cater to me emotionally, despite trying. We are long distance, so I don't know if this may be a factor? But I've dealt with guys long distance before, and I have felt emotional connection. How do I confront this issue to him, I want to marry him, but I am getting tired of his perfectionistic, logical approaches to everything. We never really have real conversations. Its always about what someone else, said, and what He learned in relationship books. (He even made a powerpoint on how we could deal with our future problems). My fiancee works a lot, and I think that could be the reason. I just wish he could be spontaneous and cater to me emotionally rather than treating me like a duty. Are all ESTJ's like this? Needless to say I feel like I am in love with a robot.

True love accept, not expect.

You have expectations on him.
Ask yourself, do you really love him for who he is, or do you love the ideal image of who he should become?

You have two options: remove your expectations and accept him as he is now, or try to change him to be the one you want and prepare to get disappointed.

(Just keep in mind they might not be nearly as responsible)

Or even committed.

 

[Diagille]

I feel exactly the same way with you! I agree with JustJac that without the long distance, things would get better. And JuliaRhys is right when she said not everyone loves the same way.

From my experience, an ESTJ boyfriend is such a softie when you catch him at certain moods. You can always communicate to him that you feel like you're missing out on certain aspects of the relationship that you want. Once told, he will try his best to be sweet and affectionate to you. Your fiancee sounds like he is really invested in the relationship too. All the best!

Coming from a guy ESTJ, I agree.

We might have a hard time being creative or figuring out exactly what you want, but give us hints or suggestions and over time combinations of those might form a composite spontaneity.

 

[Diamonic]

As an estj, I feel I try really hard to please in my relationship but when I don't get it in return I can get resentful. Is this a normal estj thing?

 

[dreamon]

hi! as an infp in a long term relationship with an estj i can say that what u describe him do is the way he shows love. he will never show it the way u do coz hes a totally different person. if u expect him to love like infps do then u need to date an infp but dont try to change him, thats the way he is. if u cant accept the way he loves u and its not enough for u i dont think ull ever be happy.

u need to understand the way estjs love. u said that he does everyting that u ask and need, thats a perfect example. its the greatest way of showin love - they take care of everything. if u say u have a problem or need to get sth done they help, they do it, they fix it, they solve it, they make it work, make it good, take it off your shoulders. he will have a perfectionistic and logical approach to evertying coz thats typical for estjs. u cant expect him to take part in the infp drama. and he will work a lot also to show how he cares again, by providing for his loved ones. if u say he treats u like a duty means he loves u coz they take their duties very seriously and they dont do things they dont care about, only things that are important and meaningful.

i know my bf wont ever be emotional like i am and maye he doesnt show his love by a bunch of romantic movie scenes in real life but i do know he loves me coz i see it in his gestures and the way he acts everyday. he didnt even tell me he loved me for the longest time and when i finally heard it i knew it was VERY BIG and it cost him a lost to say it but he did. and i dont even need to hear it often coz he shows it by taking care of me, instead of writing poems about my awesomeness ;P